


Godfathers

by ShesAKillerQueen98



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Adoption, Angel Wings, Angels, Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attempted Murder, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub Being an Asshole (Good Omens), Betrayal, Burns, Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Confusion, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Demonic Power, Demons, Depression, Distrust, Domestic Fluff, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fainting, Fear, Fluff, Friendship, Gabriel Being an Asshole (Good Omens), Hallucinations, Heaven & Hell, Holy Water, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Kidnapping, M/M, Manipulation, Miracles, Mutilation, Mysterious Past, Non-Consensual Touching, Original Character(s), Orphaned, Paranoia, Parental Love, Physical Abuse, Poisoning, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Psychological Trauma, Questions, Religion, Soft Aziraphale (Good Omens), Soft Crowley (Good Omens), Stabbing, Teaching, Temporary Character Death, Temptation, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Violence, Whump, Worried Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 72
Words: 164,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShesAKillerQueen98/pseuds/ShesAKillerQueen98
Summary: She stopped pacing and turned to face the now very gobsmacked men. The tears continued to pour from her eyes. “What am I supposed to do?” She asked weakly. “I want answers but I have this horrible feeling that if I go looking for them, I won’t like where I end up.”Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged glances.“Well you might not have to look too far for those answers.” Crowley muttered.————————Kaera knows she's different but she can't figure out why. Things in her life happen that seem too odd for logic to decipher. And when dark creatures from the shadows start to follow her, the only people she can turn to are an Angel named Aziraphale, and a Demon named Crowley. The more time she spends with them, the more she learns about what she is, where she came from, and what she can do.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 99
Kudos: 64
Collections: My faves - Good Omens Whump, My favorite AU fics





	1. Existence (Part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This chapter mentions being followed, stalked, and grabbed. If you have suffered a similar traumatic event, please proceed with caution.

Kaera was always aware she was different, but not aware enough to recognize that she wasn’t human. Even if she did, she wouldn’t know what she was supposed to do about it. If she told anyone her age, they would have all laughed or called her crazy. If she had told anyone older, they likely would have called an exorcist (there were some strange people in London. A man with a scruffy grey beard and an odd patch on his jacket had once screamed at her that she was a witch for seemingly no reason). 

Kaera had mostly gone through her life with the knowledge that she was strange but was content with not knowing why and to try and lead as normal a life as possible. After all lots of people had grown up in an orphanage, lots of people knew nothing about their parents, lots of people had been fired from every job they’d ever had for reasons they quite literally couldn’t control. Lots of people had been late paying rent yet when confronting their landlord, he remarked that they had already paid. Lots of people accidentally made thing disappears... perhaps Kaera was stranger than she realized.  


She began to get concerned when she noticed strange... well they couldn’t really be called people. Whatever they were, they had been following her for weeks. One of them had even grabbed her arm and left a scratch one night. When she turned around to fight back, they were gone, but the smell of sulfur and a swarm of flies were left in their wake.  


After nearly two months of harassment, Kaera decided she’d had enough. She considered going to the police but decided against it. Lots of women in their late teens had no doubt reported being followed so there was no way her report would be taken seriously. Besides, what would the police do to beings that weren’t human? The second they were in the car, they’d likely disappear. So the police were out. She didn’t dare go against them herself. What’s an 18-year-old possibly-not-human-but-definitely-not-normal-woman going to do against a group of...whatever they were? So taking them on herself was out. The only other option was to find another way to get rid of them. The only problems with that option was 1) she didn’t know what these creatures were and 2) even if she did, she knew nothing about them, least of all what got rid of them.  


This is what sent her looking for any book about supernatural entities that she could get her hands on. It almost became routine. She would leave either her shift at her job, just being fired from said job, or an interview for a new job, and go right for the nearest book shop and ask for any book on the supernatural. She had grown used to the strange looks the shopkeeper would inevitability give her. She would then spend hours scouring over lists and descriptions of various creatures only to walk away empty handed, before dark of course. So far, the only guesses she had was that they were poltergeists, changelings, witches, ghouls, maybe even demons. But speculation could only get her so far. She hadn’t actually seen any of their faces and they were all shaped somewhat human, with the exception of the heads, which were too lumpy to be human. But, as she had considered and dismissed all other options, the only thing to do was to keep researching and hope some of these things would start to make sense.  


One Monday afternoon, as she had been leaving a job she had just been fired from, she began to ponder why they’d decided to target her and how they always seemed to know where she was going. She had considered that she was like them, but she had no swarms of flies, no frog on her head, no sharp claws, she looked perfectly ordinary. Could they somehow sense she wasn’t normal?  


That thought was too distressing for her to think about so she quickly snapped herself out of her thoughts only to realized that she’d wandered onto the doorstep of yet another bookshop. It looked old, like it had been there since the 1700s, yet didn’t seem to be falling apart and seemed just as tip top as the day it was opened (whenever that was). Over the doorway, the sign read 'A. Z Fell and Co. Antique and Unusual Books'. Kaera has heard of this shoppe before. Three weeks ago she’d read in the newspaper that it had burned down. She remembered it was just before that intense rainstorm, which was just before the sky turned red, which was just before that massive, global power failure, yet within two hours, everything was back to normal. All of her coworkers (at the time) had all claimed that noting unusual had happened. Kaera had decided not to question it at the time, but now she wasn’t too sure. Still, any bookshop that had been burned down and rebuilt within three weeks had to be worth a look.  


She walked in, the door hitting a small copper bell on the way, and looked around. There weren’t very many people but there were plenty of books. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling, stacked on ever table, everywhere. It was like one of those libraries that you only heard about in fairy tales. Kaera wasn’t one to read for fun but after seeing that bookshop, she thought she might reconsider. 

While she was busy gawking, she hadn’t noticed an older man, about fifty or so, had approached her and said, “Good afternoon. Anything I can help you find?” He’d appeared so suddenly, Kaera almost jumped as he said it. 

He didn’t look threatening but he did look odd. He was about a head taller than she was (but she was only 5’4 so that wasn’t saying much) and his clothes were all either khaki or white, with the exception of his crisp dress shirt, which was light blue, and his bow tie, which was blue and violet plaid. Strangest of all was his hair. Put frankly, it was white. If it was any lighter, his head would be glowing.  


“Say that again please?” She asked.  


“Is there anything I can help you find?” He repeated.  


“Yes." she said. “Yes there is. Do you have any books about the supernatural?”  


She had expected this man, who could only be the shop owner, to give her a strange look, but instead he looked perplexed, almost excited.  


“Certainly.” He said. “Just this way” he led her toward the back, up a staircase and to the right.  


“Now this shelf over here contains books of mythology, which might help you get started, and over here is where I keep books on more modern anomalies.”  


“How did you find all these?” Kaera asked, bewildered.  


The man shrugged. “I’ve been around for quite some time, and I’ve been all over. Picked up quite a bit in my time.” She found the answer a little vague but she wasn’t a lawyer so who was she to say anything about him?  


Oddly enough despite the fact that he snuck up on her and looked a little strange, Kaera found herself at peace around the man. There was just some kind of warmth coming from him that reminded her of a teddy bear or a golden retriever. But he was also clearly very intelligent, the way he was rambling about his favorite books told her as much. He was a very interesting fellow.  


“Thank you. “ she said. “This is just what I was looking for.” The man smiled at her and made his way back to the staircase.  


“If you need anything else, just call for Aziraphale. “ he said, placing a hand over his chest and giving her a curt nod. 

Kaera gave him a nod back before turning her attention to the bookshelf and pulling out a book on Greek, Roman, and Gaelic monsters. As she sat down in a nearby armchair, she could have sworn that a mug of cocoa appeared out of the air onto the small table next to her, but she just shook her head and told herself that it had been there the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is my first time posting here and I've been wanting to write this idea for a long time. Please forgive me if it's a little rough. I hope you guys like it because I've been having such a fun time with this story.  
> Thanks to my good friend TakeItEezy for being my awesome Beta Reader (also you should go check out their work because it's fantastic). More to come soon!


	2. Existence (Part 2)

Kaera hadn’t noticed how long she’d been sitting and reading until Aziraphale called that the shoppe would be closing in five minutes. At first she dreaded walking home in the dark, but when she looked out the window, it was still light out. She checked her watch. It was only 15:00. This Aziraphale was a stranger person than she realized. She set her books back on the shelf, picked up the empty white mug, and made her way back downstairs.  
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Aziraphale asked.  


“I found a lot of interesting things, but only a little of what I’m looking for.“ Kaera answered as she handed him the mug. “Though I feel I only scratched the surface. I’ll definitely come back tomorrow and keep looking.”  


“What’s all this ‘looking’ for?” He asked.  


“Just research. I don’t think I’ll be buying anything but I greatly appreciate the help.” Was she imagining things or did he seem relieved that she wasn’t going to buy anything?  


“Well, I’m glad to be of assistance.” Aziraphale said with a little grin as he placed the mug on his desk. Miraculously, it seemed clean the moment he set it down. “What is it you’re researching?”  


Kaera’s face fell a little and she could feel herself growing cold. “Supernatural creatures. The kind that look human but can disappear and have misshapen heads, like they have something sitting on them. Sharp claws, swarms of flies, one of them even had horns.”  


Aziraphale pondered her words but the first thing he said when she was done with her description was, “Are you alright, my dear?”  


“Yes,” Kaera lied. “Why wouldn’t I be?”  


Aziraphale looked unconvinced. “You’ve gone quite pale, and you look nervous. You look as if you’re going to faint.” He pulled up a chair. “Do sit down.” Kaera sat down and locked her fingers together as Aziraphale sat down across from her. “Tell me what’s going on.”  


Kaera wasn’t sure if she should disclose such odd information to a stranger, someone who didn’t even know her name, but he had been nothing but kind to her and something about him made her want to confide in him.  


“For the last two months, I’ve been followed by strange creatures. Every time I’m out after dark, they’ve been there to follow me. Once they even tried to grab me.” Her arm ached at the thought of the mark they left. “I’m starting to get scared and I’m hoping that a better understanding might help me find a way to get them to leave me be.”  


Aziraphale listened carefully and looked at her quizically when she was finished, not like she was odd. Quite the opposite actually, he looked at her like she was too normal, as if he were questioning why such creatures would want to go after someone like her.  


“That is quite the query.” He said. “I'll keep an eye out on my end and if there’s anything more I can do to help, simply come by again and let me know, Miss…?”  


“Kaera.”  


Aziraphale once again looked puzzled, but this time for a different reason.  


“Thank you.” Kaera said. “I’ll be back again tomorrow.”  


“Would you like me to see that you get home safely?” He asked.  


“No need. They only attack after dark and it’s only 3:15. Thank you though.” She answered back. Aziraphale gave a little wave as he watched her walk out the door.  


' _That was certainly an interesting encounter_ ', She thought to herself as she started back towards her flat. It was strange, that was the first time she’d met Aziraphale and yet he had this almost familiarity to him. Perhaps she’s seen his picture in the paper after the bookshop burned down. No that couldn’t be right. The only picture in the paper was of the burned shoppe, not of him. Whatever it was, Kaera was struck with the a feeling that she couldn’t ignore; a feeling that somehow he knew her or that she knew him. Why else would she be so quick to trust him? Maybe it was that he had a very open and friendly disposition or the way that-  


“Get out of the way!”  


Before Kaera had time to react, a large black car came barreling toward her. She jumped back, but not far enough. The car bumped her in the side sending her flying into the pavement. As she landed on her face, she heard the squeal of the tires as the car pulled to a stop. She stoop up on a very wobbly but miraculously unbroken pair of legs and turned back to look at whoever it was that just hit her.  


The car was long and square looking with a narrow front and a pair of silver angel wings on the hood, most likely a vintage car but in surprisingly good condition. If she had been into cars, and not seething with rage, she would have been impressed.  


A tall, skinny, red haired man wearing dark sunglasses and all black clothing stepped out of the car. Something about him seemed eerily familiar. She could have sworn she had seen him somewhere before, perhaps in a dream somewhere, but she had seen him. But she was too angry to think about where she'd seen him.  


“What in the world was that about?!” She screamed as she stropped up to the man, who was much taller than her.  


The man stuck his hands in his pockets and said, “That’s what comes from walking in the street.”  


“I was walking in the crosswalk!” She shot back. The man shrugged. “Are you serious? You could have killed me!”  


“You look fine to me.”  


“You obviously didn’t kill me but you could have-“  


“The important thing here is that I didn’t kill you so I don’t know what’s got you so mad.”  


Kaera huffed. “That’s not the point. You can’t go that fast in a heavily populated are. One day you might seriously hurt someone and-“ One look at the mans eyes stopped whatever she was going to say. Usually, she wouldn’t stop when she was so fired up and angry, and she usually wouldn’t be able to see behind such dark glasses anyway, but in the commotion, his had slipped down the bridge of his nose, revealing just enough of his yellow, slitted eyes. They looked like a snake's, not just in look but in atmosphere and temperament. There was something sneaky about those eyes that made her feel very uncomfortable. She began to feel cold and nervous again. Half her instincts told her get away from him, the other half told her to stay and keep berating him. All her instincts together told her that this man was not to be trusted. Again, the arm that had been scratched began to ache. She took a breath and decided that playing it cool and getting away as fast as possible was the safest plan.  


“Whatever,” she said with a huff. “Just don’t hit me again.”  


She began to walk in the direction of her flat again when he said, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”  


She stopped walking. The cold feeling turned even colder. Icy even. Whoever this man was, however familiar he may seem, she was certain she did not want to know him.  


“No.” She said, trying not to spit it out too quickly. “I don’t think you have.” Before he could say anything else, she turned on her heel and walked away, her heart pounding against her chest the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So things are moving a little fast paced here on the publishing end, but once the next chapter is out, things will start to slow down to maybe one chapter every week, or every other week depending on my workload once school starts back up. The kudos that the first chapter got are much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading. And thank you to my beta reader and friend TakeItEezy, they also write Good Omens stories and I gotta say they're fantastic. Thank you for reading!


	3. Suspicion

Crowley didn’t have time to think about what just happened. Even if he did have time to think, he wasn’t going to. If people didn’t want to get hit by cars, they shouldn’t walk in the street. Besides, Crowley had more pressing matters to deal with. Aziraphale would be ready to be picked up in three hours, possibly less. If Crowley wanted tonight to go right, he’d have to get his act together. As a demon, romance wasn’t exactly his strongest skill. But Aziraphale was always doing sweet things for him, so he deserved something nice in return. Not that Crowley cared or anything…  


It was currently 3:30, Aziraphale usually closed his shoppe around 6:00, unless he decided to close it earlier, but even if he did he sometimes hung around for an hour or so after. So Crowley had anywhere between 45 minutes to three hours. Crowley liked a challenge so this wasn’t a problem. 

As he sped off down the road, thoughts of the young woman he’d hit had all but faded from his mind and were quickly replaced with thoughts of Aziraphale. He’d never in a million years admit it to anyone out loud and he’d never admit it to himself, but he was too God damned sweet and Crowley honestly felt he didn't deserve someone like him. Even though Crowley told himself that everything he was doing tonight was just a change of pace from the usual, it was really something nice for Aziraphale, no matter how much Crowley denied it.  


He stopped by the grocery store and picked up ingredients for all kinds of good food, including crepes and sushi. On his way out, he bought a bouquet of lilies and roses. If he were being perfectly honest, all this felt awkward, but he still wanted this to go well. Not that he knew _why_ he wanted this to be perfect, it was just a small tugging in his chest that told him he wanted to see Aziraphale happy. He didn’t really understand that that’s what people call love. Stupid angel, making him feel things.  


As soon as he bought everything he needed, he started the drive back to the countryside. It wasn’t a very long drive, only perhaps 35 minutes but compared to the chaotic bustle of the city it seemed like a completely different world. Shortly after avoiding armageddon, or as Crowley called it, the “Notpocalypse”, Crowley and Aziraphale had bought a cottage together, first as something platonic, meant to keep them both safe from any forces of Heaven or Hell who were still angry with them or hadn’t bought their little switch. But shortly after moving in together, Crowley, who had kept his feelings securely buried for over 6000 years accidentally slipped up when Aziraphale cracked a joke and, after laughing hysterically, Crowley said, “This is why I love you so much.” He regretted it as soon as he said it and tried to pass it off as a joke but one look from Aziraphale told him that it wasn’t taken that way. For a moment, Crowley thought he’d hurt the angel, but Aziraphale just sighed with relief and said, “Well that makes what I’m about to say much easier: Crowley, I do believe I’ve fallen for you.” In that moment, Crowley was gone. Though he wouldn’t admit it, he was head over heels, falling just as hard as he did that first day after he'd heard the angel say, "I gave it away". It was’t any kind of grand confession or big event, just something simple, just for the two of them, but somehow the simplicity made it even more perfect. Every so often, Crowley would think about that moment and smile, only to immediately chide himself for being such a sap. Even though he was no longer officially fighting for Hell, he still had trouble admitting he had a softer side.  


It was nearing 4:00 when Crowley got back to their little house and as he carried his groceries inside a small grey cat mewed at him and rubbed against his legs. Crowley rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress a grin. Aziraphale was always leaving out small dishes of tuna for any stray cats that were in the area. Crowley warned him that if he did that too often, their front yard would be crawling with strays. But of course, Aziraphale left tuna for them anyway. Crowley walked inside and set everything on the counter, turned on the stove and oven, and set to work.  
Crowley had never cooked before, had never even looked at a recipe book before, couldn’t tell a whisk form a waffle iron, but he had plenty of confidence in himself, so he at least thought he was a good cook. While he started preparing the food, he did his best to ignore the voice in the back of his mind whispering, “ _…yeah that’s not right._ ” If he had heeded that voice, perhaps things would have gone smoothly, or as smooth as they could have. Unfortunately, demons are not very good at heeding anything.  


As he was mixing up batter for crepes, he failed to notice that the rice he was boiling for sushi had absorbed all the water and was beginning to stick to the pot. He stated pouring the batter into the pan when he noticed an odd sound and an even odder smell coming from the rice pot and when he went to stir it, he only found overcooked rice stuck to all sides of the pot.  


“BLESS IT ALL YOU STUPID FUCKING RICE!”  


While he was busying himself with trying to fix that, by adding water, by adding salt, even by adding cream, the batter in the pan began to burn. He didn’t notice until the smoke alarm started blaring.  


“Shit, shit, SHIT!”  


Crowley raced over to the window and began fanning out the smoke. There was no way this situation could get worse.  


“Crowley?”  


Of course. Why not? Towel still in hand, he turned around to face Aziraphale. Shit, he’d forgotten to pick him up. He must have taken the bus home.  


“Oh…hey, Angel.” He said, completely monotoned.  


“What’s all this about?” Aziraphale asked as he hung his jacket on the coatrack  


“Nothing.”  


Aziraphale stepped into the kitchen, fanning the smoke from his face.  


“Were you cooking?” He asked.  


“… maybe?” Crowley muttered.  


Aziraphale chuckled. “Darling, you don’t know how to cook.” He inspected the kitchen, eyeing the very poorly cut fish on the counter, the inedible rice, and the burnt crepe. “Though I’m very flattered by the attempt.” He said as he wrapped his arms around Crowley’s waist and kissed the tip of his nose. Crowley blushed almost as red as his hair.  


Aziraphale let go of Crowley and walked out to the dining room. Crowley followed him out just in time to see Aziraphale snap his fingers and a lovely dinner appear on the table. Since they were no longer affiliated with Heaven or Hell, they had to use miracles or demonic abilities sparingly to make sure no one got angry or suspicious. However, this was one of those rare occasions where a miracle was perfectly acceptable. Crowley smiled at his angel and scooped up the flowers.  


“Something to make the place look a little nice, it could use a splash of color.” He said.  


Aziraphale’s entire face lit up. “Darling they’re lovely.” He took the flowers from Crowley, kissed him on the cheek and put the flowers in an empty vase. "Good thing you didn't burn these." He said as he set them on the table. Bless it, why did he have to be so…so..angelic?  


Unfortunately, as is usually customary with nice dinners, as soon as they sat down, the phone began to ring. Crowley rolled his eyes.  


“It’s alright, dear. I’ll get it.” Aziraphale said, standing up and picking up the phone.  


“Hello? Oh, Anathema, how lovely for you to call.”  


' _Hooray, it’s book girl._ ' Crowley thought. He didn’t dislike Anathema, he just hadn’t yet forgiven her for hitting his car, even though Aziraphale claimed he hit her, and he just wanted a nice night with Aziraphale without being interrupted.  


“No, we just sat down to dinner…yes he would appreciate it if we kept this brief.” He said with a little chuckle, Crowley could only assume they were talking about him. “Yes I’m well aware…what?! She did? Please you must let me read it, I’ll…oh.” A saddened look passed over Aziraphale’s face. ' _That does it._ ' Crowley thought. No one interrupted dinner and upset Aziraphale and got away with it. He got up from his seat and took the phone from the angel.  


“Great job book girl, you’ve gone and-“  


“Crowley! Good, this concerns both of you so you should hear it too.” Anathema’s urgent voice sounded through the receiver.  


“What-“  


“So you remember Agnes Nutter’s book, right? Well she wrote another one.”  


“Okay, so what’s so important about this one?”  


“I burned it.”  


Yikes. No wonder Aziraphale was so upset. Burning any book, let alone a book of prophecy was like a personal insult to the angel.  


“Okay you burned it, congratulations. What’s this got to do with-“  


“One of the pages survived the fire. And one of the prophecies on it, well, I think it has something to do with you and Aziraphale.” Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged looks.  


“What makes you say that?” Crowley asked.  


“Well just listen to it.” Anathema said. Aziraphale grabbed a pen and notepad from the table under the landline.  
“ ' _Together shall come above and below. And when walls close in and the hounds bark out, two shall defend the one who walks the middle road from one who crawls beneath the earth and all will see white and red and gold._ ' ”  


“I could only assume above and below meant you two because, you know.” Anathema said.  


“Yes we are well aware.” Aziraphale said. “But what or who are we defending?”  


“And if we’re supposed to be white and red,” Crowley continued, “then who in the world is gold?”  


“I don’t know,” said Anathema. “I’m still figuring it out.”  


“Well, we’ll think it over as well and let you know what we come up with.” Aziraphale said. Crowley noticed an odd look had come over his face. What had happened and who did he need to kill?  


“Thanks, you two.” Anathema said.  


“Do have a lovely evening.” Aziraphale said back and hung up the phone.  


“Angel?” Crowley asked. Aziraphale sat back down at the table as if in a daze. “Everything alright?”  


Aziraphale blinked a few times, looked at Crowley and nodded.  


“Yes. Everything is just tickety-boo.” Crowley raised an eyebrow. Aziraphale used “tickety-boo” as a code for, “Everything is most definitely not alright, but I either can’t talk about it or don’t want to.” Crowley didn’t like it when Aziraphale kept everything bottled up inside and ignored his problems, but Crowley ignored his own problems almost every day and was the king of bottling so he couldn’t exactly judge him. Besides, if Aziraphale didn’t want to talk, Crowley wasn’t going to force him.  


“So, how was your day?” Crowley asked, trying and failing to avert attention from the awkwardness that had been created.  


“Oh it was rather lovely. A new customer came into the shoppe today.”  


"Oh?” Crowley asked as he poured them both a glass of wine usually Aziraphale wasn't so excited about new customers, usually he loathed them. What made this one so special?  


“Yes, a charming young lady by the name of Kaera.” Crowley thought for a moment that he’d heard that name before, but shook that thought out if his mind as he continued to listen to Aziraphale. “She had a very interesting problem. She was looking for books about supernatural creatures, she informed me that she’s been followed by strange shadowy figures for nearly two months now.” Crowley wondered if these “shadowy figures” were any of his old coworkers. They probably were, but that wasn’t his problem. “I told her I’d help in any way I could.” Crowley grinned a tiny bit. That was his angel. Helping complete strangers with their weird problems. “Other than that, my day was rather uneventful. What about you?”  


“I almost hit someone with my car.” He said nonchalantly. He actually did hit someone but Aziraphale didn’t need to know that. Besides, it wasn’t like she was seriously hurt.  


“Crowley!” Aziraphale scolded.  


“Yes?” Crowley answered back, just as nonchalant as before. Aziraphale did not look amused, which amused Crowley even more. “Don’t worry.” He continued after a brief silence. “She’s okay, there wasn’t any real damage.”  


Aziraphale gave him that look that he gave him when he was annoyed. “Who was it? We should see if she’s okay.” Aziraphale asked as he sipped his wine.  


“I dunno.” Crowley said with a shrug. “Some blonde girl with a black and white flannel.” Aziraphale nearly choked on his wine. “Good grief, Angel! Be more careful. What was that about?”  


Aziraphale dabbed his lips with his napkin, shaking a little.  


“Blonde hair and a black and white flannel, you say?” Crowley nodded. “Was she also wearing a white shirt, black skirt, and black boots?”  


“Erm…I think so?” In truth, Crowley didn’t remember, but seeing the angel so worked up made him a little nervous. Also, he was struck with a very strong feeling that he had seen her, a long time ago...  


“That very well may have been the same young woman who came into my shoppe. And you say you hit her with your car?”  


Crowley nodded. Usually, he didn’t feel bad about hitting or almost hitting people with his car, but whenever Aziraphale called him out, he always felt a little guilty, even thought he tried to hide it. But Aziraphale wasn’t calling him out, per se. It was more just out of curiosity. Aziraphale stood up and began pacing.  


“Did she seem familiar to you at all?” He asked.  


“Now that you mention it, yeah she did.” Crowley answered back. “And something else odd, she was able to see my eyes.”  


Aziraphale looked back, puzzled. “Well, were your sunglasses off?”  


“No not like that.” Crowley huffed, taking off his sunglasses and revealing his gold, serpent eyes. “My demon eyes. Most humans either don’t see them or ignore them, even when my sunglasses are off. But they slid down when she was yelling at me and she saw my eyes. She tried to play it off like she didn’t see them or wasn’t disturbed, but it was pretty obvious.”  


Aziraphale sat at the table, pondering what he’d just heard. “On the topic of eyes, hers were rather strange as well. They were human in shape but not in color They looked like they were yellow, with a layer of red on top.” Aziraphale looked at Crowley with concern over his face. “Darling, do you think she could be-“  


“Let’s not talk about it anymore tonight. I want to try this food, I’ve never been on the receiving end of a miracle before.” That was a blatant lie, but he just wanted to change the topic. The realization had suddenly hit him while the angel was describing her eyes. Crowley had seen her somewhere before and that realization brought back an onslaught of memories that Crowley had very much wanted to keep under wraps.  


Aziraphale sighed. “I suppose you’re right.”  


It wasn’t like Crowley to be so cautious or practical, but something about how Aziraphale was talking about this girl made him nervous. If this girl was who both of them thought she was, the forces of Hell would without a doubt not be too far behind. Even if Hell didn't care or left them alone, he couldn't face her. Not after... All Crowley could do was hope their assumptions were wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Now that I've gotten things off to a solid start, I'll try to stick to an update schedule of once per week (because trying to do a chapter every day is just not practical and it'll be near impossible once school starts back up) I really appreciate all the hits this has gotten so far and a special thanks to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta reader. I hope you guys liked it! More to come next week.


	4. Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with some depressing themes, so please proceed with caution if you are prone to depression or depressive thoughts.

In the heart of London, in a very cheap apartment, the young woman in question was standing in front of her mirror examining her side once again, taking note of the extra large bruise on her lower back and waist. It was a rather annoying and painful bruise but she was just happy that she hadn’t broken anything important. She couldn’t afford a hospital visit, she had just lost another job and needed to save wherever she could. It was honestly quite shocking that she’d walked away from being hit by a car with nothing but an irregularly large bruise. Just something else to add to the list of strange things that happened to her.  


She opened up her very cheap, used laptop and checked the status of the applications she’d submitted earlier. She kept a folder of resumés and cover letters just in case she lost her job again. Nothing so far. She sighed and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. She was about to crawl into bed when a strange warmth spread over her side. It was like she was lying in the sun, but only on that part of her body. She rushed to the mirror and pulled up her shirt just as the rest of the bruise faded from her skin. She pressed down on the spot. No pain, not even a sting. How strange. This was her first major injury in a while but she couldn’t remember any injury healing this quickly. She looked at her arm again. The claw marks were still there. So if one injury healed quickly, almost by magic, why not the other?  


She was too tired to focus on such strange happenings. Well "tired" wasn’t exactly the right word. She’d always known that night was the time for sleeping but she never felt physically tired. She’d just lie down, feeling perfectly energized and close her eyes for 6-8 hours, sometimes 3-5 if she had a lot to do that night. No matter how long she “slept”, she’d always wake up the next morning feeling exactly as energized as she felt the previous night. This wasn’t to say that she was immune to feeling mentally tired, she felt that on almost a nightly basis. Though her body felt perfectly fine, her mind would sometimes reach its full capacity and she’d either have to “sleep” or sit in a chair and stare at nothing for a few hours. It’s like when one takes a particularly strenuous exam and feels mentally exhausted but their body could run a mile (that is to say if the body was its own autonomous being).  


Kaera was too mentally tired and physically indifferent to focus on anything else so she crawled into bed and closed her eyes. She hadn’t been "asleep” for five minutes when she felt eyes on her. She sat up and looked at the window she’d forgotten to close. There was nothing and no one out the window looking at her but she felt exposed, as if the whole city could see how strange, pathetic, and alone she was. Kaera shook her head rapidly, as if hoping to shake those thoughts from her mind. She didn’t feel like those thoughts were hers, but whose else could they be? She thought them, they appeared in her mind, they must have been hers. She huffed, not wanting to have this argument with herself. She stood up, closed and locked the window, and pulled the curtains shut, blocking out the streetlights, the noise, and the sensation that she was being watched.  


She lay back down in bed. It was obvious. You didn’t need to look at her, she thought, for more than a minute to see how lonely she was. It was a way of life for her. Her parents had either died or abandoned her before she was old enough to remember them and ever since then she’d looked out for herself but it always got so lonely.  


She didn’t try to be weird, she didn’t want to be strange, but she was. She may have hated herself for it, but it still was what she was. It would never change and she’d always be alone.  


There in the darkness, alone, Kaera began silently weeping.

* * * * *  


Kaera walked into Aziraphale’s shoppe the next day feeling quite worn out and groggy. She’d spent the whole night sobbing into her pillow and didn’t want to get out of bed that morning. But she had research to do and after that encounter with the man in the black car the day before, she only had more questions, both about herself, him, and the other creatures following her. She needed to know more about those creatures, what they were, what he possibly was and what it was about him (aside from his eyes) that made her so suspicious. Besides, maybe seeing Aziraphale again would cheer her up.  


The merry little jingle of the copper bell sounded throughout the shoppe, though now there were even less people than there were the day before. Kaera wondered why more people didn’t want to spend more time in the shoppe, it was positively delightful.  


“Mr. Aziraphale?” She called. Some rustling sounded from the back of the shoppe.  


“Coming!” Aziraphale’s chipper voice sounded. A few scurrying footsteps sounded and soon Aziraphale appeared in front of her. “Oh, Kaera.” He said, almost like he was surprised to see her. “How lovely to see you again.”  


“You too.” She answered, already feeling a small bit better. She stepped further into the shoppe, so as to not linger in the doorway. “I’m hoping to get some more information today and I think I’m on the right track."  


“That’s good news.” Aziraphale said, then his smile faded. “Are you alright?” He asked. Kaera wondered if that was his catchphrase or if she really was that bad at hiding what she was feeling. “You look positively wretched.”  


“Thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself.” She said sarcastically. Aziraphale gave her an unamused look.  


“I’m serious.” He snapped. “Did you get any sleep last night?”  


“No.” Kaera said nonchalantly. “But that’s normal.”  


“Normal?” Aziraphale gaped. “That’s horrid!”  


“Not for me.” Kaera remarked. “I’ve never felt physically tired in my life.” Aziraphale looked at her with a sort of fascination and concern. He also looked a little nervous.  


“Never you say?” He asked.  


“Well, never physically. Mentally, I tire out easily. That’s why I look so ‘positively wretched’. I…” She hesitated. She didn’t really like talking about her crazy thoughts or negative emotions. She’d done it before but she’d grown tired of the looks of pity, and she could tell that Aziraphale, despite all his kindness, would give her one of those stupid pitiful looks the moment she opened up about it. Besides, she’d met him yesterday! She couldn’t tell a complete stranger about all the dark things in her mind and she DEFINITELY didn’t want to disclose that she might possibly not be human. Talking about being followed was one thing, he could help and wanted to help her with that but this was different. Besides, yesterday was a rare occurrence. It wasn’t like her to open up about things so easily.  


“Don’t tell him.” A voice whispered in her ear. She looked at Aziraphale to see if he heard, but he was still looking at her expectantly.  


“I… don’t want to talk about it.” She said, looking at the floor.  


“Oh.” Aziraphale answered back, as if her answer had puzzled him. “Well, the books of the supernatural and mythology are in the same place. I’ll let you know when we’re closing.”  


“Thank you.” She muttered. As she walked toward the staircase, she could feel his eyes on her, not in the unnerving way like whatever was watching her last night, but his eyes were on her nonetheless. If she had looked back, she was sure she’d see that unwelcome look of pity.  


She picked up a book and settled back into the armchair.  
' _Maybe I_ should _tell Aziraphale_ ' She thought. ' _He seems smart and understanding, maybe he might know what it is about me that attracts strange creatures and why weird things happen around me._ '  


“He wouldn’t believe you.” The voice whispered back. It was low and cold, like the growl of a wolf and as raspy as someone who’s smoked for years.  


“Who are you?” She said aloud, but not too loud that anyone would hear her. Nothing answered back.  


Kaera tried to focus on her reading, but her intense anxiety and lonesome thoughts were still with her from the night before and it made it impossible to focus. Not to mention, now she had a voice in her head to worry about. Try as she might to ignore her anxiety and horrible thoughts, they kept demanding her attention and before she knew it, it was 4:30 and Aziraphale was calling that the store was about to close. Kaera shook her head and looked down at the book, still on the first page. 

Great, she’d wasted an entire day and was still no closer to understanding her predicament.  


She sighed and returned the book to the shelf and walked back down the stairs. Aziraphale gave her a concerned look as she walked up to him to thank him again for all his help.  


“Think nothing of it,” He answered back. “Though I am still concerned about your sleep habits. You haven’t tried any medications or sleep aides, or anything of that sort?” Kaera shook her head.  


“I haven’t had the need to.” She said nonchalantly. Aziraphale went from looking concerned to looking downright terrified. “Are you alright?” She asked.  


“Jolly good.” He answered back. “Absolutely tickety-boo.” Kaera had never heard such an odd phrase in her life but chose not to question it.  


“Well, I’ll be on my way, then.” She said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Aziraphale answered with a nod and she walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So Godfathers has gotten 30 hits so far! I'm so happy you guys are reading my story. I hope you are liking it.  
> I know this chapter is a little more depressing than the chapters before it, but I've been having a lot of depressive episodes lately, and I figured this was the best way to help me work through it. Thank you ever so much for reading and a special thank you to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta reader.


	5. Danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight Blood and gore warning. Please take care of yourselves

“Kaera…Kaera…Come join us…You belong here…with us..”  


The voice was whispering to her but it was the loudest sound she’d ever heard in her life. The sight in front of her was horrific. Her eyes were slightly blurred but the parts she could see made her want to scream. Dead-eyed creatures shambling around in a hallway that seemed endless. Each figure seemed to be suffering from a different disease or ailment. One of them had such thin skin that they looked like a skeleton with eyes. Someone else screamed in agony, only to be silenced by a sword to the throat. Two creatures kicked the fallen body out of the way and the line continued moving. After a few moments, the still bleeding body rose again and continued down the corridor and disappeared back into the crowd.  


The air was thick and heavy and smelled of every possible toxin. Kaera felt as if she were choking.  


“This is where you belong…”The voice whispered. Kaera wanted to scream but no sound came from her throat. Her tongue was gone. She began to sob, blood pouring from her eyes as a dirty being with blacked out eyes aimed a sword at her throat.

* * * * *

Kaera shot up in bed, sweat pouring down her face. Despite the heat of the room, she couldn’t stop shivering. Kaera wasn’t sure if she had tried to scream or if the sound died in her throat. She got out of bed and began pacing. Usually when she had a lot on her mind, she’d go out on a walk but it was too dark to go out by herself, so pacing had to do.  


That nightmare was too vivid to be just a creation of her mind and the voice whispering to her sounded very similar to the voice that whispered to her earlier that afternoon. She didn’t know anything about that voice other than she didn’t trust it, didn’t like it, and didn’t want to go wherever that place in her dream was. But something else in her was wondering if that voice knew something about her. It was tempting, but she also knew if she followed where that voice was leading her, she’d end up in that miserable place in her dream and she most certainly didn’t want to end up there. It left her in a very delicate position. She wanted answers and the voice seemed to know her and it seemed to have answers about her. But if she wanted answers, she’d have to go with the voice, which was something she most certainly didn’t want to do.  


She sighed and settled back into bed, staring at the ceiling. She was confused and _very_ nervous.

* * * * *

Two days had passed and Kaera told nobody of the dream she had that night or the similar dream the following night. The voice only whispered every so often and she was able to ignore what it whispered to her but was still disturbed by the cold and raspy voice. When she was looking through the bookshelves, it whispered to her that she wasn’t where she belonged. It startled her so much that she dropped the book.  


“Kaera?” Aziraphale called. Kaera didn’t answer, the only noise coming from her were nervous ragged breaths. “Kaera, is everything alright?”  


“Y-yes. I’m fine.” She stammered as Aziraphale came up the stairs She scrambled to pick up the book she dropped and placed it back on the shelf with a quivering hand.  


Aziraphale put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to flinch. “I don’t believe that for a second.” She looked at the floor. “Perhaps you should take a few moments to breathe a little. You’ve been overworking yourself and I believe all this research on those creatures following you might be making you a little jumpy.” If anyone else had said it, it would have sounded condescending, but Aziraphale’s voice was nothing but concern. “I’ve just made a pot of tea.”  


“Okay,” Kaera relented.  


Aziraphale led her back downstairs to a little table in the corner. He disappeared to the back of the shoppe and returned a few minutes later with a tea pot and a few mugs.  


“Tell me what’s on your mind, my dear.” Aziraphale inquired as he poured her a cup of tea. Kaera looked at her hands.  


“May I answer your question with a request of my own?” She asked quietly.  


Aziraphale looked shocked for a moment and then said, “You may,”  


"Do you mind telling me why you’re so invested in my health and mental state? Not that I’m not touched by your concern, it’s rare that people show they care, but you just met me four days ago. I’m practically a stranger and yet you still choose to show me kindness after kindness. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I’m just a little confused.”  


Aziraphale looked hurt for a moment and then his expression changed to a thoughtful one. After a few minutes, he answered, “I’ve been around for a long time and in that time I’ve gotten very good at reading people. I can tell when something bothers them and, no offense, you’re not exactly skilled at hiding what you feel. Every time I see you, you go pale or get a look of utter fear on yourself at least twice in every conversation we have.” Kaera sipped her tea, not wanting to answer that very true accusation. Even though she was bad at hiding it, she still hid it nonetheless. “And I’ve seen suffering of every kind. In many situations, I haven’t been able to do anything about it. However, recent events have shown me that I have more agency than I’m aware of and I mean to do more to honor what I believe is right. So if I see someone in pain or anguish, I do what I can to help.”  


Kaera held her mug in her hands, letting the warmth seep into her palms. “That’s very noble of you,” she remarked.  


Aziraphale gave her a tiny smile. “If I’ve made you uncomfortable in any way, I deeply apologize and I’ll stop.”  


“No no,” She assured. “You aren’t bothering me at all. I’m just confused, that’s all. Not very many people have shown me such immense kindness, least of all someone who’s known me for less than a week.”  


A slightly pained look passed over Aziraphale's face as he looked at her. "Well, as I said before, I try to show kindness to everyone I come across, those who deserve it at least.” Aziraphale sipped his tea. “I’ve answered your request, so please answer my question.”  


Kaera traced the rim of her teacup with her finger.  


“You want to know what’s on my mind?” Aziraphale nodded. “That’s just it. I don’t know how to put it into words. And there are some things I don’t even think someone as smart as you could understand.”  


“Try me,” Aziraphale quipped back.  


“Well for starters, I-“ She was cut off by her cellphone buzzing in her pocket (just like her laptop, it was cheap and used but she needed one so she could find and hopefully keep a job). “One moment please.” She said, standing up from the table and moving to an empty corner of the shoppe. “This is Kaera,” She answered.  


“Kaera? This is Lucille Bennet from Pawprints Dog Walkers. We’ve been looking over your application and are seriously considering you for hire.”  


“Really?” Kaera almost squealed. “That’s wonderful news! What do I need to do?”  


“Well, we’d need to meet with you in person to see if you’re a good fit for our business. When are you free this week?”  


“I’m free any time. The sooner the better though, will tomorrow work?”  


There was a rustling of papers from the other side of the receiver. “I have an opening tomorrow at 1:45.”  


“That’s perfect.” Kaera answered.  


“Alright, I look forward to seeing you.” Then she hung up.  


“I’m sorry to dash off so quickly, but I was just informed that a job I applied for is considering me.”  


“Oh that’s wonderful.” Aziraphale answered back.  


“Yeah but I’m meeting with the woman in charge tomorrow and I want to make sure I’m prepared. I’m sorry I have-“  


Aziraphale waved his hand. “You needn’t apologize, dear girl. We can continue this conversation when you next come into the shoppe.”  


Kaera was not looking forward to that conversation but was too excited about a possible job that she didn’t care. She quickly thanked Aziraphale and headed back home to print out her resumé and practice for her interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! So this story has about 40 hits! My goodness. Thank you all so so much for reading my work. Also a quick note, I've made some edits to chapters 2 and 3 that will play into a major plot development later in the story. Many thanks to my good friend and Beta reader TakeItEezy. Thank you all for reading.


	6. New Job

Twenty-four hours later, Kaera was sitting in a small office in her nicest clothing, at least nice by a very simple standard. She did her best to hide how desperately she needed this job from the lovely red haired woman sitting across from her. Every so often the voice would whisper to her and she’d have to force herself not to answer it. Despite the almost debilitating anxiety, she felt the interview was going rather well.  


“Your credentials look promising, and you’ve listed several references, including a former teacher...” Lucille eyed the list of references and for a moment Kaera thought she’d done something wrong but Lucille made an interested face, nodded and moved on. That could be either very good or very, very bad.  


“My one curiosity is why you have so many former jobs listed.” So far, Kaera had lost six jobs in about a year and since she wanted to get job honestly, she had to list her entire employment history. Nothing more embarrassing than being hired only to be fired when your employer found out you’d lied on your resumé. “May I ask why that is?”  


“Well, my first job was as a waitress. A customer claimed that I threw his food at him.”  


“Did you?” Lucille looked shocked.  


“No. My back was turned and when I heard him shouting, I looked back and saw that he was covered in mashed potatoes.” Lucille stifled a laugh. “I was fired from my second job because a copy machine exploded ink on a crowd of customers while I was on shift. “  


“That doesn’t sound like it was your fault.” Lucille said.  


Kaera shrugged. “It wasn’t, but my old boss certainly thought it was. My third job-“  


“You don’t have to go over every reason why you were fired. I don’t need an explanation, I was simply curious.” Lucille said, giving her a tiny smile.  


The truth of the matter was that every time Kaera was fired, not even an hour before, a customer or coworker had done something to push Kaera’s temper or anxiety over the edge. The man at the restaurant who ended up covered in potatoes had called her a “stupid whore” when she hadn’t brought horseradish sauce with the beef and potatoes and told her that she needed to be more considerate of customers and shape up or else she’d be hanging out on street corners. The customers at the print shoppe that got covered in ink had all screamed at her at the same time that they needed their copies done right this instant and Kaera was close to having an anxiety attack when the copy machine unleashed a fine spray of thick black ink over the crowd. Naturally, since she was the only one behind the counter, she was the one who got the blame and the pink slip. 

She always swore up and down that it wasn’t her fault but her bosses never believed her. Well, they sometimes believed she want the one to physically cause the accident, but that would mean some other unseen entity had caused it and most normal humans didn’t want to face or accept that possibility.  


“Well we have plenty of openings and this is a very good job for a young woman trying to get back on her feet. I’m sure we can find a place for you.”  


“Really?” Kaera squealed, throwing all professionalism out the window. 

Lucille held out her hand and Kaera shook it gratefully. She knew the real reason she was hired was because it was that it was a small business that had just started out and they desperately needed people. And if the people they hired needed any job they could get, they wouldn’t object to minimal payment. However, minimal payment was better than no payment at all. Besides, it was walking dogs! How could a dog complain to her manager?  


“When can you start?” Lucille asked.  


“I can start today if you need me to. I have plenty of free time.”  


Lucille smiled. “I like that attitude.” She said. 

She ruffled some paperwork, checking through the schedules when the phone rang. “Pardon me, I have to take this.” Kaera nodded as she picked up the phone. “Paw Prints Dog walkers, Lucille speaking. Yes , Ms. Andrews...oh dear...well it just so happens that I have one of my newer employees sitting here who would be happy to walk them" Kaera felt a small burst of pride in her chest when she heard Lucille refer to her as an employee. "...oh that’s very generous, I’ll be sure to let her know. Yes thank you. Have a good day.” She hung up. “That was one of our regulars. Apparently, she’s been asked to work later tonight so she can’t make it home in time to walk her dogs and needs us to do it for her. She said she’ll pay extra-“  


"The Company doesn’t pay us?” Kaera asked. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, I’m just a little confused.”  


“That’s alright,” Lucille answered. “We pay you starting minimum wage for how many hours you work. On top of that, the customers pay an up front fee for our services and they also provide a fee for the walkers themselves. So the business gets our money for maintenance and payment for the workers form the customers and the workers also get payment from the customers as well. As I said before, we’re still very new and want to make sure we have enough money to keep us afloat so I’m thinking introducing a subscription option, where the customers have us walk their dogs every day and that will go directly to the company...” Lucille spoke very fast and it was all Kaera could do to keep up with what she was saying. All she could gather was that she’d be paid...an amount? “...and we calculate your wages from there.”  


“Okay great.” Kaera said. There wasn't a whole lot to say.  


“So,” Lucille continued, writing something down on an index card, “this is her address, she as two dogs, a husky named Lady and a shepherd named Tinda, they’re both a little rambunctious but very sweet. She keeps a spare key under her welcome mat and this is the code to turn off the security alert. You’ll need to be at her house by around 8:00, because that’s when she usually walks her dogs. So until then, we can get you acquainted with everyone in the office and get you situated.”  


Lucille introduced Kaera to Willam, assistant manager, who was a nice young man, with a bit of a tendency to stutter, but was still very confident, who showed her around. 

The office wasn’t very big but it was still rather nice. By far her favorite room in the office was the employee break room. There wasn’t much, just a coffee machine and a few comfy chairs but she really liked the atmosphere of the room. 

There also weren’t very many people but the people that were there were very friendly. 

Susan, was about 24 and had taken the job to pay the bills while looking for something in her field (she had studied biology in university). She was rather quiet but as soon as Kaera mentioned she like art, she immediately lit up and showed her some of the artwork she’d made, though hers were digital art while Kaera used an old fashion sketchbook and pencil. 

Alice was 35 and also worked at a little pub in the evenings. Kaera could immediately tell how exhausted she was just by looking at her but she could also tell how extroverted and open she was. 

Lastly there was Tom, who was 27 and came from a very well off family but wanted to make his own money and be independent. As soon as William told her that Tom was wealthy, she thought he’d be stuck up but he was actually really nice. 

Everyone in the office did everything they could to make her feel welcome. By the time 7:30 rolled around and she left to walk the dogs, she was feeling pretty good about everything. She sat at the bus stop, a huge grin on her face. She had a job, and a job working with dogs! What could be better? She took a breath and took in the fresh summer air.  


“This good fortune won’t last...You and I both know it won’t last...come join us...you belong with us...” The voice whispered to her. Kaera jolted and took a few ragged breaths. In one moment, all that confidence was gone. She clenched her fists and angirly muttered to herself, “Get out of my head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So my beta enlightened me on how to properly do tags so I should be able to get more people reading now. I’m still learning. Any way, next chapter is going to be a little intense so keep that on your radar. TakeItEezy and I always joke about how much shit we put our characters through, but oh it’ll only get worse *rubs hands together*  
> I hope you liked the chapter and many thanks to TakeItEezy for all your help and for being such a cool person. Go check out their work, you’ll love it. Thanks for reading!


	7. Attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Assault. Please take care of your mental health and well being.

The bus dropped her off about a block and a half from the woman’s house. The key was right where it was supposed to be and the security code worked, the dogs were very sweet and well behaved. There was no reason to be nervous yet after what the voice said to her, she couldn’t help but feel more than a little jumpy. To add to the stress, it had gotten dark. She hoped that perhaps since she had dogs with her, the creatures might leave her alone.  


She and the dogs started off down the street. The first ten minutes went by without too much event. But around fifteen minutes, she began to feel eyes on her. She told herself it was nothing but she heard the sound of distant footsteps behind her as well. Lady began barking and Tinda began to whine very loudly. Kaera shortened their leads and began to walk and a much quicker pace. The footsteps behind her began to quicken as well. She began to run but a strong hand grabbed onto her shoulder. Tinda and Lady were both barking furiously and pulled their leads out of Kaera’s hands.  


The hand on her shoulder dug into her and held fast. Kaera’s instincts took over and she jabbed her elbow back at the creature. The hand let go and she took off running down the street. She didn’t even care where she was going or that she’d lost the dogs, the only thing that mattered was getting as far away as possible from whoever that was. She dared a glance back and saw nobody following her. That didn’t make sense. She could have sworn she heard footsteps behind her. 

As she stopped to catch her breath, she started to search for the dogs only for a large dirty hand to burst from a dark alleyway and grab her wrist. She tried to twist out of the hold but the hand stayed tightly grasped and with one swift movement, pulled her back into the dark.

* * * * *  


Crowley walked into the bookshop just as Aziraphale was beginning to close and lock up.  


“Crowley!” Aziraphale said, “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”  


“Yeah, well, I just happened to be driving by and thought you might like a ride home.”  


Aziraphale chuckled, “You always give me a ride home, you old silly.” He strode over to Crowley and kissed his cheek. “What’s say we go out for dinner tonight?” Aziraphale asked. “There’s a lovely little-“ He was cut off by a wild barking and howling from down the street.  


Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other and Aziraphale raced out the door. Coming up the street were a white and brown dog and a black and tan dog, both barking like they’d seen something horrible. Aziraphale stood in front of the dogs and stopped in front of him, barking like mad and turning in circles. Aziraphale was out of practice when it came to speaking the language of canines, but it didn’t take a genius to tell that they were trying to raise an alert.  


“What’s going on, Angel?” Crowley asked, leaning out the door.  


“I think there might be trouble.” Aziraphale answered back.  


“We’re not gonna follow them, are we?” Crowley asked.  


Aziraphale thought for a moment. He had no idea what had these dogs so spooked, where the person walking them had gone, or what they wanted, but he could feel it in his bones that there was some kind of trouble. He knew that if he didn’t do something, someone might get hurt. He didn’t want that to happen. He grabbed onto the leads and looked at Crowley.  


“We most certainly are.”  


Crowley rolled his eyes. “Alright, Angel. Let’s see what the dogs want.”  


Aziraphale smiled and looked at the beasts. “Okay, let’s go.” The still barking dogs led them off down the street.

* * * * *  


Kaera was slammed up against the brick wall, sending a rattle through her spine. The figure in front of her was tall and dirty. In the darkness she could see filthy blonde hair and strange markings or growths on either temple, in the shape of frog feet. His eyes were completely black and there was a crooked grin on his face.  


“Let me go, please!” She cried.  


“Kaera,” the figure hummed. That voice, it was so familiar. “I know where you really belong…” It was the voice whispering to her in her mind! The voice from her dreams!  


“How did you get in my head?” She whimpered as tears came to her eyes.  


“I know more about you than you know about yourself.” He said, ignoring her question. “I can give you the answers to all your questions. I know what you are and I know a place where you can go. No one will think you’re strange, you won’t have to worry about losing jobs or paying rent. You won’t have to conform to the rules they have up here. You’ll thrive, you’ll belong.” Kaera began to shiver at the sound of the man’s cold voice, which sounded much more threatening when he was directly in front of her, rather when it was just in her mind. “Do you want to go there? Do you want to see this place?”  


“No I don’t!” Kaera wailed. “Let go of me!”  


“Tsk tsk tsk,” The figure clicked at her. “That’s no way to talk to a family friend,” He set a dirty finger under her chin, the nail digging into her skin and drawing blood.  


“I don’t care who you are!”  


“I knew one of your parents. I can tell you-“  


“I said I don’t care! I don’t want to go with you! I don’t want to know where you think I’m supposed to be! Just please let me go!”  


The man moved his hand to her arm and grabbed hold. “I’m sure you’ll change your mind when-“  


“What’s going on over there?” A familiar voice called out. Kaera looked at the opening of the alleyway. Standing in the streetlight, with Tinda and Lady in tow, were two men. One of them was Aziraphale. To her shock, the other man standing next to him was the same man who’d hit her with his car, the one with the golden snake eyes. She recognized the sunglasses and the red hair.  


“Frog boy!” Snake-man called. “Good to see you back up here. How’s the weather treating you?”  


“Crowley,” the attacker growled.  


“Hope it’s not too hot for you. The M25 certainly was.”  


The attacker let out another low growl. Kaera blinked and the man was gone, leaving behind only a puff of smoke and a horrid stench.  


“Kaera?” Aziraphale called. Kaera began to breathe heavily as more tears came to her eyes. She slid down the wall until she was sitting on the ground. Tinda began sniffing around and growling as Lady licked her face.  


“Kaera? Kaera dear, what happened?” Aziraphale asked, kneeling down in front of her. Try as she might, she couldn’t manage to form a sentence or complete thought. All she could do was sit against the wall as more tears came to her eyes. A gentle hand laid itself on her shoulder.  


“No!” Kaera shrieked, shaking out of the grasp and throwing her hands in front of her. Aziraphale pulled his hand back and a very anxious look passed over his face.  


“Kaera,” he urged, “Kaera look at me,”  


Slowly, Kaera looked up from the ground and met Aziraphale’s worried eyes. Her mind was still reeling but things began to slowly come back into focus. The dogs, the bricks, the smell of the summer air, the cut on her chin, the bruises on her wrist and arm, all of them began to find their way back into her mind to make sense as the adrenaline began to drop. She looked back at Aziraphale.  


“Oh God,” she cried, falling forward into him, sobbing hysterically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you're enjoying my story. I'm having a wonderful time writing it. I also hope nobody was too disturbed by this chapter. If you were, please talk to somebody and take care of yourself.  
> Many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta and giving me so many great ideas to make this story absolutely awesome. School has been absolutely kicking my ass and I've been struggling but writing this has been helpful. I hope you like reading it as much as I like writing it. Have a lovely day!


	8. Rescue

There was nothing else to do, no other option. The only thing that made sense to her in that moment was too sob. It might not have been the right choice or the most mature choice, but in that terrified moment, it was the only choice that she felt able to do. Her mind couldn’t at all comprehend the sheer terror that she’d just gone through. Every time a thought passed through her mind, it was his face, his rough voice or the promises he made. 

The most terrifying part of that encounter was that for a quick moment, Kaera was tempted to listen to what he was saying. He knew her, he knew her parents, he knew what she was. That was something she’d been dying to know for months now. He had the answers, or at least he said he did, but every fiber of her being told her that going with him was the wrong thing to do. She didn’t want to go with him, but at the same time she did. She wanted answers, but every time she thought of his blacked out eyes, she wanted to scream. The whole thing just left her feeling more confused than she usually did and even more terrified, shivering in Aziraphale’s arms. As she sobbed, he gently rubbed his hand up and down her back and hummed a soft, comforting tune.  


What made the whole thing even worse was that the other man, her attacker called him Crowley, was standing there watching the whole time. As if this whole encounter couldn’t get any more humiliating. She still didn’t trust him, and if the attacker knew him, that made her suspicious. But what was he doing with Aziraphale? That could either mean one of two things: either Crowley could be trusted or Aziraphale couldn’t be. Both of those possibilities bothered her. Crowley was every trademark of someone dangerous, why should she trust him? And Aziraphale was so kind and considerate. Hell here he was comforting her and letting her cry all over him. If he turned out to be someone dangerous…she couldn’t bear that thought. She’d always kept herself closed off to everyone else as a way of defense. To keep this exact thing from happening and now she’d set herself up. Aziraphale set a hand on her shoulder.  


“We should get somewhere safe. He might come back.”  


Kaera wanted to protest but she was too tired and frightened to think of something to say so she just nodded and stood up, her legs shaking like she’d spent a month at sea. Her knees threatened to buckle at any moment, thankfully Aziraphale had one hand across her shoulder and the other gently gripping her arm. Crowley was awkwardly following behind, holding the dogs’ leads. Without uttering another word, the three of them slowly walked down the street towards the bookshop.

* * * * *

As soon as they were inside, Aziraphale sat Kaera down at the table and went to the back, leaving her alone with Crowley and the dogs.  


“Um,” Crowley said, “How’s the weather?”  


She almost wanted to laugh. Something terrifying had happened to her and by someone who apparently knew him and here he was talking about the weather? At least he was trying? She didn’t know how to respond other than staring at him blankly.  


The dogs began sniffing around and a small part of Kaera’s mind told her that Aziraphale wouldn’t appreciate having animals in his shoppe. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the card and made her best attempts to tell Crowley to take them to the address written on the card, that the key was under the welcome mat, and what the security code was, but all she could manage was, “Dogs…there,” and point frantically at the card. Crowley raised an eyebrow at her.  


“Okay…?” He said as he led the dogs out the door. 

It was only after he was gone that Kaera realized that sending the dogs back with a complete stranger would probably end with her getting fired but she was too terrified to care. It was also only after he left that she realized she was alone. 

‘ _This is alright,_ ’ she thought. ‘ _I’m alright. Just breathe in and out, in and-_ ' a flash of movement from outside the window caught her eye. ‘ _It’s him!_ ’ She thought. He’d come back for her and was going to take her back. Well she wasn’t going to let him. 

She leapt up from her chair and tried to run for the door but her shivering legs made any kind of movement impossible. Instead of making it to the door, she tripped and was sent toppling into a pile of books. ‘ _Get up! Get up! Get up!_ ’ Her head screamed at her. But before she could even think of moving, a shadow passed over her. She covered her head and screamed, “Get away from me!”  


“Kaera!” A voice gasped. “Kaera it’s me!”  


When she opened her eyes, Aziraphale was standing over her with a blanket draped over one arm.  


“A-Aziraphale?” She muttered weakly.  


“What on earth?”  


“I thought he came back.” She murmured. “I thought I saw him at the window.” More tears came to her eyes as Aziraphale knelt down next to her.  


“He won’t come here,” he said gently, draping the blanket over her shoulders. “I’d know if he were anywhere near here.”  


“How can you be sure of that?” Kaera asked through more tears.  


“I have my ways,” Aziraphale said as he helped her to her feet. That didn’t make her feel better at all. If anything it only made her more nervous. On top of that it only posed more questions.  


Aziraphale helped her back to the table as Crowley walked through the door. “The dogs are back,” was all he said.  


“Thanks,” Kaera muttered as Aziraphale placed a mug of chamomile tea in front of her.  


“Do you think you can tell us what happened?” Aziraphale asked. Kaera was silent for a moment. “Don’t feel like you have too.” Aziraphale added quickly.  


“No,” she answered back. “For once I feel like I have to talk. If I don’t I’ll go mad.”  


Her voice shook as she described her encounter. He hadn’t done anything to physically harm her but she still felt afraid and exposed when talking about it. By the time she was done, more tears were coming to her eyes and she began to weep again. Aziraphale moved next to her and put an arm around her, rubbing her back. At first she flinched away but after a moment, she welcomed any kind of embrace from him. It made her feel protected and after a few minutes of his hand on her shoulder, a funny kind of warmth began to spread through her and she began to feel a little more calm. She took a sip of her tea and continued.  


“He didn’t do anything. He just said some very strange things.”  


“What sort of things did he say?” Aziraphale asked, shooting a glance at Crowley.  


“He said things like he knew me. He knew what I was and where I came from. Where I belong.”  


Crowley shrugged. “Hastur doesn’t really do subtlety very well.”  


“But what does he mean?” Kaera huffed as she stood up from the table. “Why does he say he knows me? I’ve never seen him in my life! Who is he and why does he say he knows what I am? If that’s the case then what on earth am I?”  


“Kaera-“ Aziraphale began.  


“No I’d love to know. If so many people know what I am, then why don’t I know?” Kaera ran her fingers through her hair and began angrily pacing the floor. “I’ve tried to tell myself my whole life that I’m content with not knowing and just writing off the strange things that happen to me as coincidences, normal occurrences. But it’s gotten so hard to understand everything on top of that. I never knew my parents, that’s normal for some people, but all the sudden, someone comes out of the blue and tells me that they knew one of my parents? What am I supposed to do with that information?!” She stopped pacing and turned to face the now very gobsmacked men. The tears continued to pour from her eyes. “What am I supposed to do?” She asked weakly. “I want answers but I have this horrible feeling that if I go looking for them, I won’t like where I end up.”  


Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged glances.  


“Well you might not have to look too far for those answers.” Crowley muttered.  


“What he means to say is that we have our own suspicions based on what you told me.” Aziraphale continued.  


“Really?” Kaera snapped. “Well please enlighten me on your findings, I would love to know.”  


Aziraphale gave her a look, he was not amused by her sass, but he still said nothing. Besides, she was too annoyed and terrified to really care.  


“Before we tell you,” Aziraphale began, “you should know that Crowley is a demon and I am an angel.” 

A heavy silence filled the room as Kaera looked between the two of them, a wide-eyed look on her pale face. Then she began laughing hysterically, as if her lungs were going to burst.  


Between bouts of laughter, she said, “Alright it’s official. I’ve gone insane. There’s no doubt about it. Only a brain severely damaged and insane could come up with something like this. And don’t tell me that place I’ve been seeing in my dreams is actually Hell! An angel and a demon really! I’ve lost it! I’ve truly lost it!” More bursts of laughter escaped from her as Crowley and Aziraphale looked from her, to each other, back to her again. 

Every so often, Aziraphale would say her name only to be drowned out by Kaera’s hysterical laughter. Finally, Crowley strode over to her, grabbed her shoulders, and gave her a quick slap across the face. The pain quickly brought Kaera back to reality and she stopped laughing.  


“Focus.” Crowley snapped. Kaera did _not_ appreciate being slapped but she stayed quiet.  


“Maybe I should hold off on telling our suspicions, at least until you feel ready for it.” Aziraphale said, wringing his hands.  


“No,” Kaera said, trying in vain to soften her tone a little, “I want to know. If everyone is so invested and so sure about what I am, then I believe I have a right to know.”  


Aziraphale looked nervous. “Well, just remember it’s mere speculation and that we’re completely sure that it’s even true.”  


Kaera let out a few breaths. “Please,” she murmured. “I need to know.”  


“Alright,” Aziraphale said. He took a breath. “It’s out belief, and apparently Hastur’s as well, that you are not human. We believe that you might be half angel and half demon.”  


No though passed through Kaera’s mind. Nothing at all made sense to her. All she could do was look frantically back and forth between Aziraphale and Crowley, her jaw dropped. The only thing that made even the smallest journey through Kaera’s mind was a hesitant tone, signaling to her that she’d blown a fuse. She was gone. Error 404, Kaera not found. Kaput.  


Her legs began to shake and her knees buckled. Before anyone could do anything else, her eyes rolled back and she fell to the floor.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Sorry this chapter is so late. Depression has been kind of kicking my ass recently. I hope you enjoyed that nice long chapter as a reward for your patience. I want to give a huge shoutout and thank you to my beta TakeItEezy. If you haven't checked out their work, go do it because they're awesome. I hope you guys all have a lovely day.


	9. Escape

Crowley and Aziraphale watched as Kaera collapsed, knocking over a stack of books on her way down.  


“Oh dear,” Aziraphale said.  


“She’s fainted.”  


“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Aziraphale huffed. “I knew we should have waited a little longer. I knew she wouldn’t take it well.”  


“Not like she gave us much of a choice,” Crowley muttered, looking at the collapsed girl. Azirapahale gave him a look, the kind of look you give someone when you want to tell them off but you’re too worn out to say anything. He knelt down and looked over her, checking for any kind of immediate injury and sighing with relief when he didn't find any. Crowley crossed his arms. “Well what should we do now?”  


“I think we need to do what we talked about,” Aziraphale replied as he scooped up Kaera.  


Crowley suppressed a groan. He knew this was coming, but he was still holding out hope that it wouldn’t come to that. “You know how much trouble that’s going to bring us?” He asked as he followed Aziraphale to the back. His office was just as messy as it was the last time he was here. For an angel, Aziraphale was not very organized.  


“Do you know how much trouble she’ll be in if we just leave her?” He set her down on a little spare bed.  


“Why do you have this here?” Crowley asked.  


“I get all kinds of people in my shoppe,” Azirphale answered back. “You never know when someone walks in who has no place left to go. Besides, you’re changing the subject. If the forces of Hell are after her, you can bet the forces of Heaven won’t be too far behind.” He pulled the blanket over her and turned back to face Crowley.“What should we do? Just let her get cornered and pinned against a wall again? Kidnapped? Killed?”  


Crowley shrugged. “Look it’s not our problem. We just dealt with something that almost got us killed, we don’t need something else.” He was hoping Aziraphale wouldn’t sense his fear or his guilt. There was a reason he felt uneasy about letting that girl in their house, but there was no way he was going to say it.  


Aziraphale looked him sharply in the eyes. “You said we don’t have a side anymore. Well neither does she.”  


Crowley sighed. The angel made a valid point. They only had each other now, she only had herself. He knew what it was like to be alone but he also knew what it was like to be in danger. The forces of Hell may have thought that he had evaded death by Holy Water and they may have been leaving him alone for now, but he wouldn’t be able to handle it if they barged back into his life again. What if they dragged him back to Hell? What if they tried to hurt Aziraphale? He clenched his fists. They wouldn’t do _anything_ to his angel. He wouldn’t let them. Yet amidst all his anger and fear, a memory came back to him, a promise he had made years and years ago. Demon as he was, he still tried to keep his promises and this was a very important one. A mess of emotions swept over him, and the puppy dog eyes Aziraphale was giving him did not make his case any easier.  


“Fine,” he gave in. There was no arguing with Aziraphale. Despite the fact that he was an angel, he could really hold his own in an argument. And if he used the eyes against Crowley, well, there was just no hope for him. “We’ll at least ask what she thinks.”  


“Naturally.” Aziraphale answered back. “She’s been through enough today. We wouldn’t want to force anything on her.”

* * * * *

“Sooner or later…you’ll give in…you’ll come with us…you’ll be where you belong…”  


Kaera woke up with a start, the voice still echoing in her ears. She rubbed her eyes and looked around. Much to her shock, she wasn’t in her flat. She didn’t really know where she was. The small brown room felt somewhat familiar, but she didn’t recognize it as anywhere she’d been before. There was a small desk against the wall covered in books and papers and in the middle of the desk was a small white mug. That’s right, she was in Aziraphale’s bookshop. Memories of the previous night came back to her and she began shivering again. A fluffy wool blanked was laid across her and she pulled it around her shoulders. 

She checked her watch. 5:30 in the morning? Goodness she was asleep for a while. She tumbled out of the little spare bed and ran to the main section of the shoppe where Crowley and Aziraphale were sitting at the table and having what seemed to be a very intense discussion. There was silence for a few moments then Aziraphale smiled a warm but still distressed smile.  


“Good, you’re awake.” He said. “How did you sleep?”  


“I wouldn’t really call it sleeping,” she muttered. “More like having too much thrown at you and then passing out.”  


Aziraphale’s smile became even more distressed but he still smiled. “We actually have an idea that we wanted to share with you,” he said. “From what you told me, being followed is now a regular occurrence and it may only get more dangerous. Not to mention you’re starting to recognize what you are, and so are the beings around you-"  


“That’s something else I want to know,” she interrupted. “What told you that I might be…well you know?”  


The two looked at each other for a moment, wondering how to answer that question. Finally, Aziraphale spoke up. “Well, honestly, we both began to suspect after we both met you. For starters, well, how do you feel whenever you enter my bookshop?”  


“It’s one of the most pleasant places I’ve ever encountered.” She answered. “It’s cozy and inviting and I feel safe whenever I’m in it.”  


“That’s what tipped me off.” Aziraphale said. “I’m very particular about my books. I prefer if people don’t buy them, so I make it so whenever a human enters this shoppe, they are overwhelmed with feelings of unpleasantness that will cause them to want to leave.” This man was supposed to be an angel? “The fact that you feel not only pleasant but safe when you enter my shoppe tells me that you are something more than human.”  


She looked at Crowley. “And you?” She asked.  


Crowley shoved his hands in his pockets. “When I hit you with my car, you weren’t hurt. Not to mention you could actually see my eyes.” He pulled his sunglasses down to reveal his golden snake eyes.  


“Please put those away,” She said, retching back slightly.  


Aziraphale elbowed Crowley who put his sunglasses back in their place.  


“Either way,” Aziraphale continued, “you are just beginning to recognize your abilities and there may be those who try to use you, perhaps even those who may wish to kill you.” A chill ran over Kaera’s skin. “But Crowley and I, we can help you learn to control your abilities, we can keep you safe. We have a lovely little house out in the country side, the forces of hell and heaven would never think to look for you there. We are more than willing to have you stay with us.”  


A slew of emotions passed through Kaera’s mind. Far too much had happened in the past 24 hours that she couldn’t comprehend. She couldn’t trust herself to make any kind of decision, especially one that big.  


“So what do you say?”  


She sunk into a chair. “I don’t know.” She said with a heavy sigh. “Too much has happened to me and I can’t think. I just…I’m overwhelmed. I need to…I need…goodness I don’t know what I need. I’m just so confused.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “I want a day to think. Please.” She couldn’t come up with anything more to say. She felt as if she’d pass out again at any moment. She was exhausted, completely worn out and nothing else could happen today or else she’d likely faint and not wake up for weeks. “Don’t try to contact me for at least a day. I don’t think I could handle it.”  


For a moment, Aziraphale looked hurt and she felt bad. But, to her surprise, he smiled and set a gentle hand on her shoulder.  


“Certainly. Take all the time you need, my dear.”  


Now she felt really bad. She had essentially said she didn’t want to see either of them, that she wanted them to stay away from her and he was still acting kind and understanding to her.  


“If you don’t mind my asking, why are you willing to let a stranger into your home?” Crowley looked at the ground. Aziraphale folded his hands.  


“I’m a very good judge of character. Remember how I told you that recent events have made me more aware of my own ability to act?” She nodded. “Well, when I recognize a kindred spirit, I want to do all I can to help. And I believe that you truly are a kindred spirit in need.” Damn it, that made her feel just horrible. Now she was thoroughly _done_ with today.  


She stood up from her chair. “I’m going right home and I’m going right to bed.” She said, completely monotoned.  


“Why don’t we give you a ride home?” Aziraphale asked. Crowley’s head snapped right back up.  


“Excuse me?” He said.  


“It’s still quite dark outside and wouldn’t want to risk anything else happening to her.”  


“That doesn’t mean we have to take the car.” Crowley protested. “We could just walk her home.”  


“I would prefer to get back home as soon as I can.” She chirped. Crowley huffed.  


“Fine,” he said. The three of them walked outside and over to the curb, where Crowley’s black car was parked. This was when Kaera remembered that not even a week ago she had been hit with this car and that memory made her just a bit nervous. But she did prefer driving to walking and perhaps Crowley would driver slower with passengers.  


Crowley got into the front seat as Aziraphale held open the backseat door for her. Once she was in, he went to the passenger side and got in. Crowley turned the key and the engine roared to life. Without giving his passengers a chance to buckle in and prepare themselves, he slammed the gas and sped off down the street. Kaera was regretting her decision the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! Good news, this story has surpassed 50 reads! It warms my heart to know that people are reading my work. I hope you all are enjoying.  
> Special thanks to Treebeards_Daughter for their kind words of encouragement when I wasn't doing so well last week, and tremendous thanks to TakeItEezy for being my wonderful, beautiful, and stupendous beta reader and bestie. Have a lovely day all!


	10. Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is so very angsty. If you suffer from depression or anxiety, discretion is advised.

By the time they dropped her off at her building, the sun was starting to peek over the horizon. She got out of the car and walked to the door, Aziraphale calling out after her to be safe. There was a small amount of pain in his voice. She wondered if she’d offended him at all or if he was just worried for her. As transparent as Aziraphale seemed, in actuality he was a very complex person. And Crowley was even more enigmatic. He certainly tried to act tough or unwelcoming but he cared for Aziraphale. He may not admit it to himself but Kaera could see it all over him, from the little glances he would give Aziraphale to the way he would grin a tiny bit whenever he looked his way. Kaera wasn’t even that good at reading people (which was part of the reason why she wasn’t so quick to trust most people) but she could tell that both Crowley and Aziraphale cared deeply for one another. She still didn't trust him in the slightest, but she wasn't afraid of him. She knew he cared. 

For a moment she felt a pang of jealousy, wishing for someone who’d care about her at least half as much as they cared for each other, then she remembered that she didn’t need anyone. She was perfectly content with being alone. Sure. Right.  


She made her way up the stairs and unlocked her flat. The room felt large, looming, and empty leaving Kaera feeling rather exposed. She wasn’t used to her flat feeling like that, usually she felt stifled due to how small it was, but after her encounter, she felt both vulnerable to another attack. Every shadow made by the fading streetlights and the rising sun was another person waiting to tempt her with cryptic promises of answers, waiting to make her question her own life, her own existence, her own sanity. But underneath the fear, she also felt really lonely. Despite her best efforts to keep to herself and try to be her own source of protection, she hated the isolation that came with it.  


She pushed it all into the back of her mind. She had too much to deal with. The first thing she did was sit down at her computer and send an email to Lucille.  


“ _Dear Lucille,  
I raise my deepest apologies, I know it’s only my second day of work, however last night I was physically assaulted while walking the dogs and I need a day too mentally recover. If you still need me to come into today, I’ll do the best I can, but I would greatly appreciate a day to recuperate. _

_Many Thanks,_

_Kaera._ ”

Not even an hour later, Lucille sent a reply.

“ _Dear Kaera,_

_Oh my goodness! Physically assaulted? Are you alright? If a hospital visit was required, then we’ll have our insurance cover everything, after all you were attacked while on the clock. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Yes by all means take a few days to get yourself together. If you need anything else, let me know. I’ll see you on Monday._

_Sincerely,_

_Lucille._ ”

Kaera smiled. It was rare that an employer genuinely cared for the health and wellbeing of their employees. Kaera considered herself rather lucky to be working under her.  


Now that that was out of the way, she had a lot of thinking to do. She threw off her coat and collapsed on the bed. Not even twenty-four hours before, she’d known nothing about herself, nothing about what she was or who her parents were. Now she knew a little too much. She had her suspicions that she possible wasn’t human but it was unnerving to hear it come from someone else. 

Not to mention, half angel and half demon? How was that even possible? Even if that were the case, after all Aziraphale only said it was just speculation, where were her parents? Angels and demons couldn’t die, could they? So if they could die, that just raised so many more questions. 

From what she knew about demons and angels, they were both immortal unless directly destroyed somehow. So if they were destroyed, how did it happen? And who killed them? Did they want to kill her too or was she just an after thought? And if they had just meant to kill her parents, why leave her alive? Not that she wanted to die, she was quite fond of living, no matter how painful and confusing it could be sometimes, but if her parents had done something to warrant them getting killed, why leave her alive too? Unless the people who’d killed them didn’t know she existed. But that didn’t make any sense. After all it was near impossible to hide a baby, especially from people who had eyes on everyone. On the other side of this question, if they couldn’t be destroyed, then where were they? Why weren’t they with her? Why didn’t they want her?  


She clenched her fists and curled up into a little ball on her bed. 

That thought was not only too frustrating, it was also too painful. But it also made more sense than anything else she could think up. 

Of course they wouldn’t want her, who was she kidding? Nobody wanted her. Just looking at her showed anyone all they needed to know; she was only 18 and her life was already a mess. She’d lost six jobs, barely graduated secondary school with no plans for attending university, the only possible career choice that help any appeal for her was working as an artist, but that was hardly a lucrative job, not like she was any good at it. Aside from that, she had no plans for the future, and her past was just a big question mark. She grew up in a bloody orphanage for Lord’s sake, no idea who her parents were and she only had one thing from them-  


She sat up. That’s right. She had something from them. 

She looked over to her dresser, nervous prickles coming over her body as a memory drifted into her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! I hope you all are having a lovely week and I hope you enjoyed this chapter, however short it may be. The next few chapters will be a little more interesting, so stay tuned. The reads and Kudos are very much appreciated. Special thanks to TakeItEezy for being my beta, bestie, and general badass and awesome person. Stay lovely!


	11. Memory and Decision

Her eighteenth birthday had been a non event. There was no party, no staying out late with friends, nothing. The only thing different about this day than any other day that year was the fact that she was getting kicked out. Eighteen was the age that the orphanage told you to pack up and get lost. It was nearing noon and Kaera stood in front of the administrator’s officer holding her one suitcase and shaking like a leaf.  


Anna, the administrator’s secretary was looking through her paperwork and checking her time at the orphanage as well as her grades and her employment history. She’d already lost her job as a waitress due to some very strange circumstances but she was sure she’d find another job quickly. Anna also told her that the administrator would have some things to give her. She figured the first thing was allowance. Sometimes, when they had enough money, they would give a few hundred pounds to whoever it was that was moving out so they would have some means to get by. It was the second item that had her so curious and even a little nervous.  


Anna finished filing her paperwork and told her to go on in.  


The administrator’s office was easily the nicest part of the orphanage, after all it was the first part that any orphan who was taken in would see so it would have to give the right impression. There was a large glossy desk an ornate rug, and an oil painting of Queen Elizabeth the second. In front of the desk was a very uncomfortable looking chair and the administrator sat in a cushy chair on the other side, waiting for her to sit down. She walked across the floor and sat in the chair. It was just as uncomfortable as it looked.  


“Well, Kaera,” the administrator began. He was an interesting man. He looked like a Bond villain, he even walked with a cane, but he was the most relaxed and easy going person she’d met. He also had a rather fatherly air to him, which only made sense as he was running a home for children. “It’s been quite an interesting eighteen years, hasn’t it?”  


“Yes, sir,” Kaera answered back quietly.  


“Kaera, you don't have to be so nervous. You’re a smart girl, you’ll do just fine out there.” He said it as if she were about to take a difficult test. Traversing the adult world was a different thing entirely. “I called you in here to give you a few things and also to offer you a piece of advice.” Kaera adjusted her posture and readied herself. “You’re the kind of person who thinks the world is out to get her. While it is good to be cautious, don’t pass up on the kindness of others, because then you’re just by yourself forever.” Kaera was beginning to sweat. She thought the world was out to get her because she could do things that nobody else could. Of course someone would try to get her if they found out about that.  


She cleared her throat. “Thank you. Thank you, sir.” She said. The administrator smiled and pulled two things out of his desk, an envelope and a box wrapped in brown paper. He handed the envelope to her.  


“I’m sure you know what this is.” He said.  


“Yes,” she muttered. “Thank you sir.”  


Then he picked up the box. “This is a little more interesting. It came to our doorstep about a month after you did, with a note to keep it for you until you were old enough to understand. It’s from your parents.”  


Kaera’s eyes widened. She didn’t know what happened to her parents but she thought they died or didn’t care about her. But to hear that they not only cared but that they left her something? She didn’t know what to think. The administrator handed her the box.  


“We’ll miss you here, and I wish you the best of luck with your future.”  


“Thank you sir.” She said with a tiny smile. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” She shook his hand and walked out the door.

* * * * *

That had been months ago and the box had remained unopened, stuffed in a drawer. Thinking about it had left a bitter taste in her mouth. She had gotten on fine for eighteen years without them and didn’t need anything from them. But maybe they would provide some much needed answers. After all, the administrator had said they were told to keep it for her until she was old enough to understand. She hardly understood anything right now, but maybe it would provide something.  
Still trembling, she got up from her bed and walked to the dresser. The box was covered in a thin layer of dust and the paper crinkled as she picked it up and pulled off the paper, reveling a plain white box. Inside was a note and something wrapped in tissue. She picked up the note and read.

_Kaera, our beautiful daughter._

_We wish we could see you, to watch you come to understand yourself and understand the world you live in, but we can’t. It’s unlikely we’ll live past the end of this month. There are people who don’t approve of us, they most certainly won’t approve of you. But know that wherever you end up in life, you are loved. Even though we didn’t think it was possible for us to love, we love each other and we love you. Be safe and be strong, dear girl. Find those who know you and cling very tight to them. Follow what you feel is right and you will fly. The life we led together may have been dangerous, but we wouldn’t give it up for the world. This life gave us you, and though we only saw you for three days, we love you and treasure you beyond all reason.  
Love,  
Your blessed and cursed parents._

Kaera didn’t know when she started crying but there were teardrops on the faded paper by the time she finished reading. It told her nothing about what she was or what she could do but it told her one important thing: She was loved.  
One thing about the note did strike her as odd. “Find those who know you and cling very tight to them.” What did they mean by that? Almost everyone seemed to know her. No. Almost everyone knew what she was, but they didn't know _her_. Only two people knew her. Only two people cared.  


She sighed and turned her attention to the object wrapped in tissue and when she unwrapped it, a strange feeling took over her. In the tissue was a pendant on a golden chain; a pair of wings coming together to form a heart. One wing was black and the other was white, like the wings of a demon and an angel. She held the pendant to her chest and felt almost a warmth coming from it. It was comforting and safe, making her feel like she wasn’t alone.  


As she clipped the pendant around her neck, she came to a decision. On Monday, she would have to find Aziraphale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very sappy. I mean, I've put Kaera through enough in the past couple chapters, she deserves to feel loved. And I've been feeling pretty depressed as well so I wanted at least one of us to have something nice to happen. Schoolwork has been piling up as exams get closer and I've been going mad with anxiety. But I still find time to write. I certainly hope your week has been lovely. Something nice that happened, this week Godfathers surpassed 60 reads! Woohoo *does a happy dance*. I'm glad that people are reading my story, I do enjoy writing it  
> Many thanks and warm hugs to my beta TakeItEezy, please go and give them support and love, they are a fantastic writer and a wonderful friend. Have a lovely day everyone!


	12. Changes

As soon as Lucile let her go on lunch break on Monday, Kaera raced to the nearest bus stop and rode until she arrived in soho, then ran down the street to the bookshop. She went to open the door and hesitated. Was this the right decision for her? 

Yes Crowley and Aziraphale did seem somewhat familiar to her but would staying with them be the best choice? Fear and doubt began to creep through her mind again but was quickly banished by the warmth coming from the pendant around her neck. It gave her just a small boost of confidence and assurance that this was the right decision.  


“Aziraphale!” She called as she burst through the door. Once again, no one was in the shoppe, not a single customer. “Aziraphale, where are you?”  


“I’m afraid we’re closed.” A voice called from the back. 

It was noon. What kind of shoppe owner closed at noon?  


“I’m not here for books, I need to talk to you.” Kaera called, trying to overlook the strange closing time.  


Aziraphale stepped out from behind a shelf. “Oh, Kaera,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting you today.” He walked a little closer to her and looked her over. “There’s something different about you,” he observed. 

Kaera pointed to her pendant.  


“Maybe it’s this.” She said. That was the only bit of information she was willing to give. As much as she liked Aziraphale, she didn’t know if she was willing to talk about her parents with anyone just yet.  


“Well, yes, but you seem much calmer and happier, especially compared to the last few times I’ve seen you.”  


Kaera gave a little smile. “I suppose I am, a little. I am still nervous and very confused, but Im trying to be a little more open minded. Which brings me to why I’m here.” She took a breath. “I thought about your idea and I really appreciate it. And I agree. I think staying with you would be a good idea, at least for a little while. I still don’t know why these strange creatures…” she paused, thinking about what they had told her the other night, “I don’t know why there are demons after me, and I think being under the protection of someone familiar with them would be smart idea. Not to mention I can get a better understanding of what I am and what I can do.” 

The warmth from her pendant began to spread through her chest again, briefly calming the small batch of nerves that came from thinking about her encounter on Thursday.  


Aziraphale was quiet for a moment and then smiled. “I’m glad you’ve come to a decision. Crowley and I would be more than happy to have you.” A tiny batch of nerves bloomed in her chest again. She had no doubt that Aziraphale would be happy to have her stay, but she wasn't sure Crowley would be too thrilled. He looked like he was suppressing groans when Aziraphale had brought it up on Thursday.  


“Are you sure it’s not too much trouble?” Kaera asked, suddenly feeling self conscious and not wanting to be a burden.  


Aziraphale waved a hand. “No trouble at all, my dear. We are more than happy to help in any way that we can.” There was a giddiness in his voice. She could tell he was genuinely quite happy to be helping her. He held out his hand and she shook it warmly. Then, much to her own surprise, she hugged him. She hadn’t willingly hugged someone since she was little, yet embracing him just felt right, like hugging a friend you hadn’t seen in years. After a moment, he wrapped his arms around her as well.  


She pulled away after a few moments, content and warmed. "I need to get back to work. Should I come by here after?”  


“I say Crowley and I can come pick you up, we’ve been to your building so it shouldn’t be too much trouble coming to you. Just be packed before 6:00.”  


“Okay, she said as she headed for the door. “I’ll see you tonight.” Aziraphale smiled and waved at her and she walked out the door and down the street, still feeling a little anxious but also optimistic and even a little happy. 

She waited for the voice to whisper to her and ruin it, but it never did.

* * * * *  
Kaera got off work at 5:00 and immediately got on the first bus back to Soho and got off at the corner, practically running all the way back to her flat. As soon as she unlocked the door, she ran to the closet and pulled out her suitcase. She didn’t have much in the way of clothes or personal belongings so the one suitcase was all she needed. She pulled her blankets and sheets from the bed and stuffed them in the suitcase, as well as her clothes, toothbrush, hairbrush, laptop, few books, and sketchbook and pencils. In no time she was finished packing. Her flat was very small and had come with the bed and dresser so she had nothing too big to move. She sat down on her bed and waited for her watch to read 6:00.  


“You’re making a mistake…” The voice whispered. A chill ran over Kaera. It had been silent all day, why bother her now? The ball of nerves in her chest came back again and she began to question her choice. After all this was a really big change she was making, it would be much easier to just stay where she was and continue as normal. Well, as normal as she could possibly be. But would she be happy? Sure she’d been living a relatively normal lived and that’d made her feel at least content but she’d live the rest of her life as someone who knew nothing about herself and she would pretend as if nothing was wrong but it would eat her up inside. “This is the wrong choice for you…” Yes this change was terrifying but it was also what she felt was best for her. At least for right now.  


She did one final sweep of the room to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything and then pulled an envelope out of her purse as she made her way to the landlord’s office.  


“Mr. Robinson, I have my rent for the next month.” She called. Her landlord, a middle aged gentlemen who looked more like a librarian than a landlord, came out to greet Kaera.  


“Oh, hey there, kiddo,” he called her “kiddo” even though she was basically an adult. “Wasn’t expecting you to pay again so soon.”  


“Again? What are you talking about?”  


“This morning I found an envelope on my desk with your rent for the next four months.”  


Four months?! She barely had enough to make rent for the next two. Who had paid her rent? Well that wasn’t really the right question. Somehow she knew that she was the one responsible for paying but she hadn’t physically handed over any money. Had she somehow made it appear or had something else happened? The sooner she learned about what she was capable of and how to control it, the better.  


Still puzzled, she tucked the envelope of extra money into her pocket and walked out to the curb where the black Bentley was just driving around the corner. 

Aziraphale was sitting on the passenger side looking absolutely giddy but Crowley had a strange look on his faec and his hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. 

Kaera climbed into the backseat and thanked them both for their generosity. Aziraphale gave the typical response, “Oh think nothing of it my dear, we're happy to have you stay with us,” but Crowley stayed absolutely silent. Kaera wondered if she’d offended him somehow but that was ridiculous. They’d only interacted twice before and she’d barely said anything to him. She couldn’t have done something that offended him, at least nothing she’d been aware of.  


The drive out to London was very awkward to say the least. Crowley made no attempts to start any kind of conversation. Every so often, Azirapahale would ask her a question, about her work, where she grew up, the usual, but her anxiety was driving her mad so the best she could do was give a simple answer and then the car would go back to being silent.  


After a little while, they were out of the city and a beautiful, endless countryside stretched out before them, bathed in the golden glow of the late afternoon.  


“Wow…” Kaera breathed.  


“Lovely, isn’t it?” Aziraphale asked, a little smile coming over his face.  


“It’s so beautiful.” She answered back. The whole country glowed like a hearty fire in the dead of winter and everything looked so golden and alive. “You live out here?” She asked, astonished. “You get to see this every day? You’re so lucky.”  


Aziraphale chuckled. “Most people would think it was rather boring compared to the liveliness of London.”  


Kaera shrugged. “I suppose the city is alright and has a good energy to it, but it’s so beautiful and calm out here.”  
“You haven’t even stepped outside yet,” Aziraphale said with a chuckle. “You haven’t seen even half of the village, or our house,”  
“I bet it’s lovely,” Kaera said, gazing out the window as the countryside sped by. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Crowley surreptitiously looking at her through the rear view mirror, and though she could only see his eyes, she could tell that a small smile had come over his lips.  


“It can’t last…” The voice hissed at her. She jolted a tiny bit. Why did it always have to show up and spoil everything, especially when she was feeling so optimistic? When she shifted back around, she noticed Crowley was still looking at her in the rear view mirror. The smile was gone and something else had filled his eyes. Was it concern? She couldn't tell. 

Whatever it was, it was gone in a flash and he went back to looking at the road.  


Eventually, the car pulled up to a small quaint cottage with a thatched roof. She took a breath. The air was clear and smelled of fresh flowers and sweet river water.  


“What do you think?” Aziraphale asked as he pulled Kaera’s suitcase out of the trunk and handed it to her.  


“It’s absolutely charming,” she said, looking around. She stepped into a small front yard where all kinds of plants were growing, including a number of fruit trees.  


“Oi, watch the plants!” Crowley snapped. ‘ _Oh goody, he speaks,_ ’ Kaera thought as she walked out of the garden and followed Aziraphale to the door. Aziraphale shot Crowley a look as he unlocked the door and led Kaera inside.  


The cottage was small but not so much that it was cramped or stuffy and it smelled vaguely of lavender. It was quite cozy. It was perfect...too perfect. What were they hiding? 

A chill crept up her neck. “Something isn’t right here…” The voice whispered.  


“It’s not much,” Aziraphale said, “but it’s enough for Crowley and myself. I do hope you enjoy it here.”  


She turned to face him as Crowley walked through the door. She wasn’t exactly sure what to thing, she wasn’t even really sure what to feel. The countryside, the garden, the house, all of them together made for an absolutely lovely sight and experience, but something in the back of her mind hummed that this might be a trap. 

Yet everything around her made her want to trust them. She was still rather unsure of Crowley, but Aziraphale trusted him so…she wasn’t sure what to think so she simply smiled and said, “Thank you. I’m sure I will.”  


“Let me show you where you’ll be staying.” Aziraphale said, leading her up the stairs. Crowley of course, said nothing.  


She noticed as she followed Aziraphale that there were no pictures of them on the walls. There were no pictures of anyone on the walls. There were plenty of paintings but no people. Didn’t they have any friends? Any family? Kaera began to feel nervous again. One of her teachers had warned her about people who had no personal ties but she never thought there was any truth to them. Now she wasn’t so sure.  


Aziraphale led her down the hallway, past the washroom, their bedroom, and a study, to the last door at the end of the hall. Inside was a cozy little bedroom with cream colored walls and a bed with a tartan bedspread.  


“I’m afraid our accommodations are a little dull but-”  


“That’s alright, I don’t need much,” She answered back.  


Crowley appeared behind Aziraphale and whispered something to him while Kaera set her suitcase on the bed.  


“You needn’t be afraid, my dear girl.” Aziraphale said. She spun around and looked at them, absolutely terrified. That was perhaps _the_ most suspicious thing he could have said.  


“I’m sorry, _what_?” She answered back. Crowley face palmed.  


“You weren’t supposed to say it out loud, Angel.” He groaned.  


“Oh, well…oops.” She somehow got the feeling that Aziraphale wasn’t sorry in the slightest.  


“How did you know I was afraid? You weren’t even looking at me.”  


Aziraphale looked at his now rather grumpy companion “Crowley told me you were feeling rather nervous about this whole situation. You’re worried that this might be a trap or that we might do something to hurt you.” She glanced at Crowley. She already had one entity in her head reading her thoughts, she didn’t need another one.  


“Demonic powers. I’m pretty good at reading emotions coming off people, mainly negative emotions.” He cocked his head towards Aziraphale. “He usually recognizes positive emotions.” ‘ _That explains how he was able to tell how I was so calm earlier._ ’ Kaera thought.  


Aziraphale stepped into the room and took her hand. She shivered a little but didn’t pull away. 

“This may all seem rather frightening but trust me when I say that we truly want to help we have absolutely no intention of hurting you.” For a moment, she doubted, but the warmth spread through her chest again. It wasn’t changing what she was thinking or manipulating her in any way, but it was easing her worry and anxiety, helping her mind think a little clearer. She took it as a subtle sign that he was telling the truth. She really was going to be alright. At least she thought as much until his smile faded. “But there may be those who wish to do you harm. You’ll need to be ready when the need arises.” Kaera gulped, all the calm in her vanishing.  


“You’re just makin’ her feel more nervous, Angel.” Crowley muttered. Aziraphale went pink.  


“Oh, yes, terrible sorry.” He said. All three of them were silent for a moment and then Aziraphale said, “Why don’t we give you some time alone to unpack and process everything? I’ll let you know when supper’s ready.”  


She nodded and the two walked back downstairs. She huffed and sat down on the bed, the mattress sinking underneath her. This was certainly going to be an interesting encounter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope your week has been absolutely sublime. Things have been rather strange on my end. Schools have been closing due to COVID-19. I'm currently on Spring break but when classes resume, they will be online for me. I'm a little concerned as to how things are going to continue but I'm trying to stay optimistic. I hope you all stay healthy and safe. Tremendous thank you to my beta and best friend TakeItEezy, they also write Good Omens stories and they're phenomenal, go check them out and show them love. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	13. Test

After an hour or so of unpacking and lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, Aziraphale called that supper was ready. For a moment, Kaera wondered if she had the energy to interact with anyone. If she were being honest, a good part of her wanted to just stay in her room and not come out for days. But the scent of fresh veggies and rosemary wafting throughout the house was just too enticing to pass up. Kaera didn’t typically get hungry, it just occurred to her that this was likely due to the fact that she wasn’t human, but whatever Aziraphale had made, it smelled wonderful. Besides, he went to all the trouble to make it, it was only polite to try it.

She flopped out of bed and made her way down the stairs, a mix of emotions swirling through her mind. She was glad to be somewhere safe, or at least somewhere that appeared safe, but she still couldn’t help feeling nervous. She felt as if something dreadful was about to happen and she’d be caught in the middle. She took a few breaths to steady herself and continued back down the stairs. Aziraphale was setting the table and Crowley was picking out a bottle of wine from a rack on the wall.

“Lovely of you to join us, dear girl.” Aziraphale said warmly. She gave him a shy smile and sat down at the table.  


In front of her was a tray of roast beef and a dish of steamed vegetables topped with rosemary. Her jaw nearly dropped. This would have taken her all afternoon to prepare and Aziraphale had whipped it up an only an hour. Then again the only kitchen she’d used was a communal one in her building that was…not ideal. Still she was impressed.

Crowley set the bottle of wine on the table and went to the kitchen to grab the glasses.

“You gonna be drinking tonight?” He asked, looking her. 

“No.” She said flatly. She knew better than to drink alcohol when she didn’t know where it came from.

Crowley shrugged. “Fine by me. More for us that way.” She could have been hearing things but she sure she heard Crowley calling her a wuss under his breath. He came back out with two glasses, set one in front of Aziraphale and one for himself. Kaera was rather thirsty, so she poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table. 

She thought they would begin serving themselves but instead, Aziraphale quickly made the sign of the cross and folded his hands, muttering quietly to himself. ‘ _Oh right,_ ’ Kaera thought. ‘ _Angel_ ’. When he finished, he smiled at the two of them and began to cut the roast beef, serving Kaera a large slice.

“I do hope you like it.” He said as she served herself some vegetables. She took a bite as Crowley uncorked the wine. It was _amazing_.

“Holy cow!” She said, feeling a little sheepish as she did. It probably wasn’t a very welcome phrase in the presence of an angel. To her surprise, Aziraphale chuckled at her choice of words. She let out a breath, glad she hadn’t offended him. “You made this?” 

Aziraphale smiled, a glimmer of pride in his eyes. “Indeed I did.”

“You should have seen his first attempt at cooking.” Crowley teased. 

“I thought we agreed never to bring that up.” Aziraphale muttered. In spite of herself, Kaera let out a small giggle.

“I didn’t know angels and demons needed to eat.” She said.

“We don’t,” Aziraphale answered. “I just enjoy it. Crowley chooses to sometimes, but typically he stays away from food.” She had noticed that Crowley hadn’t taken any food for himself, but was almost halfway through his glass of wine.

“So, if you don’t mind my asking, what are an angel and a demon doing on earth? Shouldn’t you be in Heaven or Hell?” Aziraphale looked distressed and Crowley looked angry. Shameful heat broke over her back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend-“

“You didn’t offend us, Kaera,” Aziraphale said, giving her a little smile. “It’s just a very long story.”

* * * * *

He was right. It _was_ a very long story. By the time he was done it was nearing 10:00 and Kaera’s head was spinning. She was just starting to wrap her head around the fact that angels and demons were real only to be informed that witches and the antichrist were running around earth as well? She also hoped never to run into Gabriel or Beelzebub, both characters sounded particularly unpleasant. Part of her regretted not having anything to drink, it might have made things easier. 

One part of his story stuck with her.

“So, hellfire destroys angels and holy water destroys demons?” She asked quietly. Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a glance. She didn’t mean to upset them in any way but she was burning with curiosity…that was a poor choice of words.

“Well, yes.” Aziraphale said. “It’s not a very pretty sight.”

“Is that what happened to my parents?” She asked, her voice even quieter. An odd look came over Crowley’s face, halfway between regret and rage.

“Well, I’m not exactly sure what happened to your parents. Aside from myself, only one other angel has been subjected to hellfire, only they weren’t so lucky. It was about forty years ago, to a rather good friend of mine.” A saddened look came over Aziraphale’s face. “Haniel was their name.” A strange feeling resonated in Kaera’s chest. She wasn’t sure what it was but it was strong. 

“Let’s not talk about them.” Crowley cut in. For a moment, Kaera wondered if Haniel might have been her angelic parent, but Aziraphale mentioned that this was forty years ago and she was only eighteen, so that possibility was quickly dismissed. What really had her so curious was why Crowley wanted to avoid this topic, but she wasn’t brave enough to press the issue further, so she let it go and patted Aziraphale’s hand.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She said. Aziraphale gave her a sad smile, she recognized it as what she called the “I’m fine” smile, the look you give someone when you’re clearly not okay but you don’t want anyone to know. Again, she didn’t want to press him on it, so she moved on.

“So, what do you think might happen to me if…y’know?” She asked.

Aziraphale went pale. “Absolutely not.” He said firmly. “Simply out of the question.”

“It could be useful to know. I could be immune.”

“Or you could not be and it could destroy you.”

“I wouldn’t be taking a bath in it, I’d only dip one finger, like at church-“ she stopped herself. “Church.” She remembered. “Holy water doesn’t destroy me, but it isn’t completely harmless to me either. The orphanage I grew up in was very religious and required that we attend church every week. For as long as I can remember, whenever I would go to cross myself with holy water, my fingers would feel like they were burning. There were always scar marks on them for hours every time I crossed myself. They were gone by the next day, but it always happened.”

Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged another glance. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Aziraphale asked.

“Because I didn’t want the nuns to think that I was possessed by a demon.” Crowley smirked, which she did _not_ appreciate. “Come to think of it, every time I even set foot in a church, I would feel sick or get a really bad headache. I never understood it…until now that is.”

“That _does_ make sense.” Crowley said, pouring himself another glass of wine. “The one time I was ever in a church, it felt like my feet were being singed. And I was wearing rubber soled shoes.”

Aziraphale ignored him. “So there’s you have it. You’re not immune to holy water or hellfire-”

“Hold on.” She said. “I’ve never been exposed to hellfire. I don’t know if I’m immune or not.”

“Well if you’re not immune to holy water-” 

“I won’t know until I’ve tried it. You said it yourself, there may be people who wish to do me harm, we have to take every possibility into account. So will hellfire destroy me, burn me, or do nothing? We won’t be sure until we test it out.”

Aziraphale started to say something, then stopped himself, then started to say something again, then stopped himself. After a few seconds of thinking, he looked at Crowley, who had been rather quiet during this whole exchange. “Crowley, please say something. Tell her she’s being ridiculous.”

“I honestly think she’s got a point.” He said. “If she wants to know, I say let her find out.” Crowley’s posture told her a different story. He was tense, just as nervous as Aziraphale but he wouldn’t let on about it.

“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?” He asked. She shook her head. “Alright.” He relented. “But only a very small amount, and only one finger in the flame.”

“Where do we get it then?” She asked. Crowley stood up.

“Come over here,” he said. She obliged. “Aziraphale, you stay _far_ away. You had a close enough call back in Istanbul, we don’t need a repeat of that.” Aziraphale nodded and stepped away so he was close to the door but still watched intently, waiting to assist if anything went wrong. Crowley snapped his fingers and a small, roaring tongue of flame appeared in his palm.

To her surprise, the first thing Kaera said was, “It looks like regular fire.” She expected it to be billowing and black or blazing bright red, not yellow and orange like regular fire.

“And holy water looks like regular water, what’s your point?” Crowley chided. She rolled her eyes and said nothing. As she lifted her hand closer to the fire, Crowley got a strange look on his face, but still said nothing. The heat seared across her hand and for a moment, she hesitated, regretting her decision. But she wanted to know about herself and this was the first step to finding out. If she hesitated now, what good would it do? She took a breath and thrust her hand into the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you all have been healthy and safe recently. I'm not gonna lie, the stress in my household is kinda running rampant and my own personal anxiety disorder is not doing me any favors. I'm also a little downtrodden because my school has officially closed for the rest of the semester. I'm trying to keep positive but it's getting a little difficult. That's why I'm glad I have you all. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me and if people like what I write, well then that's even better. Some good news, Godfather's has reached 80 hits! Woohoo! Thank you all for reading and the comments and kudos just brings me so much joy. A huge thank you and basket of hugs of my beta and best friend TakeItEezy. Go check out their work, they are phenomenal. Thank you all and have a lovely day!


	14. Burning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screw it! We're under quarantine, the world is going crazy, I'm uploading an additional chapter this week. Honestly, writing is keeping me sane and I hope you guys are staying safe and healthy as well. And I hope this chapter makes quarantine easier for you as well.  
> Bit of a warning, this chapter may be a tad disturbing, so please please please take care of your mental health.

For a moment, she felt nothing. She was aware of the warmth, but she felt nothing too painful. She would almost describe it as pleasant. It was only for a moment. 

Within three seconds, a sharp, searing pain spread over her hand. It was the most intense pain she had ever experienced in her life. She had never stuck her hand into actual fire before but she imagined it felt very similar.  


She immediately pulled her hand out of the flame, letting out a cry of pain. A black line snaked its way from the center of the burn to the rest of her hand and her entire arm lost feeling. Somehow, she could tell that the black mark on her was something not normal, not human. It looked like the stem of a rose, thorny and slim. Whatever it was, it was in her skin, slowly working its way through her body.  


“Kaera!” Aziraphale gasped starting to walk back into the dining room towards them.  


“No!” Crowley snapped. “Don’t touch her!”  


“What do you mean don’t touch her? She’s in pain, you just expect me to do nothing-”  


“If you touch her the hellfire could hurt you as well. Stay. Back.”  


Kaera held her hand steady, trying to keep it still and prevent herself from going into shock, but she could feel her heart rate rapidly picking up and her entire body felt cold, with the exception of her left hand. The mark began to move, like a pulsing vein, she could feel the motion just under her skin and it was both unnerving and extremely painful and she felt like she was going to be sick. Crowley took a hold of her arm and she pulled it back, hissing in pain.  


“Keep it still or you’ll make it worse.” He instructed, his voice sharp. Kaera didn’t like it, but she did as she was told. Crowley once again took hold of her arm and set his hand over hers. At first, nothing happened. Then slowly, a stream of fire began to flow from her skin into his hand, forming a small bubble of flame just below his palm. The burn was still there as was the black mark, but at least the mark was still and seemingly harmless, like a birthmark or tattoo and the numbness in her arm was gone replaced by horrible, horrible pain. Bit by bit, the fire was pulled from her hand and into Crowley’s. When all of it was gone, the demon closed his fist around the fire and it disappeared in a puff of smoke. Both sighed with relief and Crowley collapsed into a chair.  


“Thank goodness.” Aziraphale said, running back over to them, examining Kaera's hand.  


“How did you do that?” Kaera asked, before realizing that was a bit of dumb question.  


Crowley looked at her, dark circles showing from under the black lenses of his sunglasses. “Demons are master over hellfire. I commanded it out from your hand.” He said, breathing heavily.  


“Are you alright, darling?” Aziraphale asked, setting a hand on Crowley’s shoulder.  


“Fine,” Crowley said, setting his hand on top of Aziraphale’s. “Just tired. Sometimes hellfire can be a little disobedient. Rather feisty.”  


“Reminds me of someone I know." Aziraphale quipped back, kissing the top of his head. Crowley made a stoic face but Kaera could see he was blushing. 

Aziraphale turned back to Kaera once he made sure the demon was alright.  


He looked at her hand a little closer and a shocked expression came over his face. “Why did you put your whole hand in? I told you to do just one finger.”  


“Sorry,” Kaera muttered. “I got caught up in the moment.”  


Aziraphale clicked his tongue. “Giving into passion.” He said. “That’s most certainly the demon in you.” Kaera came to the conclusion that Aziraphale could be a bit of bastard sometimes.  


He looked at her hand and muttered something to himself.  


“What was that?” She asked nervously.  


“I have an idea.” He said. He picked up her glass of water and looked at Crowley. “I do believe it’s your turn to stand clear.” He said, concern in his voice.  


Crowley looked at Aziraphale warily as he moved further away. “Angel, what are you doing?”  


Aziraphale didn’t answer. Instead, he looked down at the glass of water, and muttered a blessing. The water didn’t physically change, but the air around it seemed to. It seemed clearer and somehow, holy. She wasn’t sure how she recognized it, but it was clear as day to her. Her glass of simple tap water was now holy water, blessed by the angel of the eastern gate himself. 

Both Crowley and Kaera flinched. “This may be a risky idea,” Aziraphale said gently. “But I’ll need you to trust me.”  


“Alright,” Kaera said cautiously.  


Aziraphale dipped two fingers into the water and then set them on the burn, careful only to touch the injured skin and stay away from the unburned parts of her hand. A pleasant cool feeling passed over her skin as the burn began to slowly disappear. Aziraphale kept his fingers on the burn until finally, after a few seconds, it was gone completely. As soon as the burn was fully gone, Aziraphale pulled his fingers from Kaera’s hand and wiped them on a napkin. Then he grabbed the glass, went into the kitchen and dumped the water out the window. “There we are now.” He said, putting the empty glass in the sink and walking back out into the dining room. “How does that feel?”  


“Better.” Kaera said, moving her hand. No pain. “Much better. But I don’t understand. I thought holy water burned me as well. Why did it heal me?”  


“Also, what was the point of using holy water when you could have easily just healed her by snapping your fingers?” Crowley said, sitting back down in his chair.  


“It was a test, really.” Aziraphale said, a little sheepishly. “I wanted to see if my suspicions were correct.”  


“And?” Kaera asked, a little uneasy.  


“They were.”  


Kaera and Crowley looked at each other, their confused expressions mirroring, before looking back at Aziraphale. 

“Care to elaborate, Angel?” Crowley asked.  


“Well, one of the purposes of holy water, in addition to being used to protect oneself from demons and other unholy beings who may wish to do you harm and to bless people and places, is to heal angels who have been injured. It is only used for the most grievous of injuries, usually if an angel has been burned by hellfire. We already knew that it burned you, so you weren’t fully immune to it, but we also knew the hellfire burned you, and left the mark of an injured angel.”  


“You mean that black line?”  


Aziraphale nodded.  


“Usually when an angel is injured by hellfire and they are unable to have holy water administered in time, or if the fire isn’t removed, the hellfire leaves a permanent mark in their skin. If they are completely submerged in the fire, or if an entire appendage is exposed, then they are completely destroyed or they lose their limb. But if the fire merely grazes them, the mark is left and it slowly kills them. Eats them from the inside out.” He shuddered.  


“Aziraphale?” Kaera asked. Aziraphale said nothing but he unbuttoned the first two buttons on his dress shirt and pulled down the collar. Kaera gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth. On Aziraphale's neck was a large faded scar, in the same shape as the mark left in her skin, though instead of it looking like a thorn branch, it was more delicate with an elegant swirl. 

“I got quite a nasty burn several centuries ago.”  


“What happened? If you don’t mind my asking” Kaera said.  


“Well, I was sent to Istanbul to deliver a blessing to a young woman who had opened an orphanage, but when I got there, I found I wasn’t alone. A set of demons had also come to Istanbul to burn the orphanage to the ground."  


“That’s horrible!” Kaera said. Her heart ached thinking of all those children who couldn’t be saved.  


“It’s what demons do.” Crowley said. There was a touch of bitterness in his voice.  


Aziraphale went on. “I went in to save as many children as I could, luckily it was just normal fire rather than hellfire, but the demons who had started it took offense. Told me I had no business sticking my nose where it didn’t belong. We fought, but I was vastly outmatched. There was a sharp burn in my neck and I fainted. When I woke up, Crowley was there. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have been completely destroyed. I wasn’t able to have holy water administered in time to remove the inactive mark, but he removed the hellfire.” He blushed as he buttoned up his shirt again. “It wasn’t the first, nor the last time he saved my life.”  


Kaera thought of the numb feeling in her arm and the horrible black line over her hand before Crowley took the fire out. How much further would it have injured her if he hadn’t been there? She shivered. 

"Kaera?" Crowley asked, looking at her. He didn't say anything more, but she recognized that look. He was wondering if she was alright. She looked back at him.  


“Thank you.” She said. “For removing the fire. You may have just saved my life.”  


“Honest mistake, really.” He said sarcastically, giving her a lopsided smile. “Won’t happen again.” Kaera cracked a tiny smile. “So you said that that little test confirmed your suspicions, but you still haven’t told us how.” Crowley said.  


“Oh, I thought I was quite clear.” Aziraphale said sheepishly. “The fact that you are hurt by holy water, but it still healed you in some capacity tells us that you are part angel. Furthermore you also aren’t immune to hellfire, however you were able to put your whole hand into the flame without losing it or coming down with a fever. That tells us that you are part demon. This only confirms what we thought before. Kaera, you are most certainly, half angel, and half demon. If anything, this test only doubled our confirmation.”  


A peculiar numbness broke out all over Kaera. This was the confirmation she needed to tell her what she was. She thought she’d be happy when she understood herself better, but if anything, this only raised more questions. But her mind was too worn out from the move, the voice whispering to her, and being exposed to both hellfire AND holy water in one day. She needed to process all this.  


“After all that, I think I’ll call it a night.” She said.  


“Sounds like a smart idea.” Aziraphale said. He snapped his fingers and the table was cleared, with the exception of the two wine glasses. “Have a lovely evening my dear.” Aziraphale said. Crowley simply nodded at her. She wished them goodnight as well and made her way back up the stairs.  


The only thing she could think of was how painful and how terrifying that was. When her arm went numb and she saw the thorny mark on her skin, a wave of mind numbing panic had broken over her that was practically paralyzing. But she hadn’t realized how close she had been to death until Aziraphale had told her about the mark and showed her his scar. He was an angel and he had a permanent mark on him where he almost died. Not just died, but almost was completely and utterly obliviated. That very notion terrified her.  


She reached her room and flopped down onto the bed. If the demons following her got word of this, would they use it against her? No that didn’t make sense. They didn’t seem to want to harm her, they just wanted to…bring her somewhere? She wasn’t sure and she wasn’t too keen to find out.  


Even with everything else on her mind, three very uncomfortable questions still loomed, refusing to be ignored. 

The first was what would have happened if Crowley hadn’t been there? 

The second was if she wasn’t full demon or full angel, then why did hellfire and holy water still pose such a dangerous risk to her? 

And the third was if she had managed to die, where would she have gone? 

The last question stayed in her mind all throughout the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So my school has started virtual learning and I'm fairly stressed because I have no idea how this is all going to work out and how I'm going to get my work done. Well, I'm at least grateful to be healthy and safe with my family. I hope you all are having a wonderful week so far. Tell me about how your life is going, I'm curious. Many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my stupendous Beta and my friend (and for also keeping me sane during this insane time). Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	15. Awkward...So Very Awkward

Kaera spent the entire night staring at the ceiling and turing that question over in her mind. By the time the sun began to rise, she had almost driven herself up the wall. She was curious about the question but any answer she received would most likely disturb her so the best plan would be to remain silent about the whole thing. Besides, she had so many more questions that needed to be figured out.

Noises came from downstairs and she could smell eggs, sausage, and bacon. If there was one thing she would absolutely kill for, it was bacon. She got out of bed and changed (she really needed to stop sleeping in her day clothes) and went downstairs.

Crowley and Aziraphale were both in the kitchen, Aziraphale was standing over a frying pan stirring some sizzling eggs and Crowley was making coffee, if by “making coffee” you meant getting frustrated with the machine and slapping it.

“Dear, you needn’t be so harsh with it, it’s trying its best.” Aziraphale said.

“Well its best is stupid.” Crowley growled. “Who’s idea was it to get this blasted machine to begin with?”

“Yours, darling,” Aziraphale said, not even looking up from the pan. Crowley rolled his eyes. “You just have to press this button here, I believe. We do this every morning, I would think you had it by now.” Aziraphale reached over and pressed a button on the top of the machine and hot coffee began to bubble and pour into the pot below.

“How in the world did you do that?” Crowley asked, eyeing the machine like it had said something rude to him. Aziraphale chuckled and kissed him on the nose.

“It’s quite simple,” he answered.

“That’s a laugh, comin’ from you,” Crowley teased, “you can’t even tune the radio without getting confused.” Aziraphale turned red.

“I think you’re envious that there’s a machine I understand that you don’t.” He gave Crowley a snide little grin. Crowley, much to Aziraphale’s shock, grabbed the angel, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“I’ll show you envious, Angel.” Crowley said flirtatiously.

Aziraphale set his hands on Crowley’s shoulders. “How do you plan on doing that, my dear?” The angel flirted back.

Kaera cleared her throat and the two looked directly at her.

“Good morning,” she said awkwardly.

Crowley let go of Aziraphale and immediately scooted away from him, turning as red as his hair. 

“Oh, good morning, dear girl.” Aziraphale chirped. “How did you sleep?”

“Quite well, thanks,” she lied as she looked at Crowley, who was glaring at her still quite red. “Did I interrupt something?”

“Yessss.” Crowley hissed.

“Dear,” Aziraphale scolded. “No, Kaera. You didn’t interrupt anything. Breakfast is almost ready.”

“Need any help?” She asked. She wanted to make herself useful since they were kind enough to house her. It was the least she could do.

“Thank you kindly for the offer, but we seem to have things under control.” Aziraphale answered back. The coffee machine beeped loudly behind Crowley, causing him to flinch. 

“Sssstupid bloody thing,” he muttered. What was it with him and hissing?

Still muttering, Crowley opened the cupboard and started pulling out mugs while Aziraphale put the kettle on for some cocoa. That didn’t surprise Kaera, Aziraphale seemed to be more of a cocoa person than a coffee person. Crowley pulled out two mugs and then glanced back at Kaera.

“Coffee?” He asked.

“Yes, thank you.” She murmured back. Crowley pulled a gray mug from the cupboard and handed it to her. He poured some coffee for himself and then handed the pot to her. She nodded wordlessly to him and poured some for herself. The whole encounter seemed horribly forced. It was obvious he didn’t really know what to make of her and she _certainly_ didn’t know what to make of him which left a very strange and tense silence between them. She knew exactly what to make of Aziraphale. He was open, friendly, and kind, albeit a bit of a bastard. She didn’t usually feel so comfortable around people, especially new people, and she felt perfectly so around him. Crowley on the other hand, she wasn’t so sure of. Every so often he’d glance at her or give her a strange look, sometimes a sad or guilty expression would come over his face. But she also got the impression that was annoyed or angry with her. She just didn’t get it.

“Food’s ready!” Aziraphale said as he pulled three plates out of a nearby cabinet. Kaera’s mouth began to water at the sight of the fluffy scrambled eggs and juicy bacon and sausage. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a real breakfast, she’d normally just have a granola bar on her way out the door, if she even ate breakfast at all.

The three of them sat down at the table in the dining room and began eating, well at least Kaera and Aziraphale did. Crowley seemed to be satisfied with a simple mug of coffee. 

All throughout the meal, some of Kaera’s questions had begun to repeat themselves loudly in her mind, and it was beginning to get on her nerves.

“Kaera?” Azriaphale asked.

“Hmm?” She answered back.

“Is there something on your mind? You look troubled.”

“No I’m…yes actually. I do have something on my mind. Several things actually.”

“Well,” Aziraphale glanced at Crowley who merely shrugged and took another sip of coffee. “We’ll do our best to give you answers. That’s part of the reason you’re here.”

“Right.” Kaera said, going a little pink at the thought of the first question she had. But even though she knew what she was she still had questions about herself. The more answers she had, the better of an understanding she would have as well. Besides, it was best to just get it out of the way. “Okay, first question. How do demons and angels reproduce?” Crowley spat out his coffee and Aziraphale went red as a tomato. Kaera regretted asking the question as soon as it left her mouth.

“What the heaven did you just say?” Crowley asked.

“Sorry,” Kaera muttered, “but I can only assume that a being that’s half angel and half demon is really unorthodox, so I’m just wondering how I got here. I can only assume it wasn’t in the traditional way.” Aziraphale went even redder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ask something that inappropriate.”

“It’s alright,” Aziraphale said, still red in the face. “That was..quite an unexpected question. Well…I’m not sure if you know but traditional angels and demons aren’t born. The original angels were created by God herself.” Kaera didn’t bother asking or pointing out that God was a woman. Different can of worms for a different day, “and the original demons are the ones who rebelled and were cast out of heaven.” Crowley shifted uncomfortable in his seat. “Sometimes, souls who are extra pious or extra devious are promoted to becoming angels or demons, but they’d need a very extreme level of devotion to either cause in order for that to happen, and it’s only happened about four or five times. As for how you got here…” he thought for a moment and looked at Crowley with an expression that said, “Help me, I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

Crowley was continuing to fidget, bouncing his leg anxiously. “Demons technically aren’t supposed to love,” he said, a touch of bitterness in his voice, “so a demon that does have the ability to love is an extreme rarity. A demon that loves an angel, their sworn enemy and exact opposite is even more rare.” Crowley looked at Aziraphale and then looked at his hands, his fidgeting becoming worse. “That kind of ability to love in a being that isn’t supposed to love doesn’t go without a result for long. Every so often, when I’m around Aziraphale, I feel something really strong, like someone has lit a fire in my chest. I’m not sure if it’s coming from me or if it’s coming from…” he glanced upwards, “Her, but it’s there and it’s strong. There isn’t anything physical involved but…” he paused and looked at Aziraphale, “…love like that is incredibly powerful. Sooner or later, it makes itself known. The angel and demon involved, if they’re like me and Aziraphale, can choose to have it manifest in just an emotional way,” he began to mutter into his hand, “or in a physical way.”

This time it was Kaera’s turn to spit out her coffee. “Did not need to know that.” She said.

“You brought this up, this is on you.” Crowley snapped.

“Sorry,” Kaera muttered, “go on.”

Crowley huffed, looking for his train of thought. “For others, at least I assume, I’ve never exactly seen this done, they allow their love to take on a life and a consciousness of its own. That’s how you got here.” He gave her a looked and then looked at his coffee. Something about what he said rang a bell in her mind. It was a faint and far away bell, but it rang out loud and clear. Even though it sounded utterly ridiculous, it made sense to her. It was the kind of thought or idea that shouldn’t make sense in the slightest, but somehow, the thought just clicked in her mind. Her pendant began to emulate warmth in her chest again and she began to feel as if she were on the right track. Her mind wandered back to the words in her parents’ letter, “Find those who know you and cling very tight to them.” She wondered if she has found two people who really and truly knew her.

Aziraphale looked at Crowley. “How did you figure that?”

Crowley sipped his coffee. He was trying to be casual but it was clear that something was bothering him. “It’s 7:30.” He said, changing the subject. “Didn’t you say you wanted to open the bookshop at 8:00 today?” Aziraphale looked at the clock and gasped.

“Goodness, you’re right.” He began to gather the dishes and set them in the sink while Crowley pulled on his jacket and picked up his keys. The realization hit Kaera that she needed to be at work by 8:00 as well and if she didn’t get a move on, she’d be late. She took one final bite of eggs and dropped her dishes in the sink as well. 

“Wait for me!” She called as she ran up the stairs, grabbed her messenger bag and ran back down. Crowley looked at her. “You need a lift to work, don’t you?” He asked. She nodded, a bit out of breath. “I was afraid you’d say that. Come on.”

The three of them walked out to the car, completely silent. Aziraphale, in an attempt to lighten the distress, set a gentle hand on Crowley’s shoulder. Crowley looked at him and said, “Don’t want to talk about it, Angel. Not yet.” What happened that had bothered him so much? Kaera still had questions in her mind as she crawled into the back seat but after both the reaction and the answer she received, she figured it would be best if she just kept her mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That awkward moment when you walk in on your friends having a flirt in the kitchen. Hello all! I hope this quarantine hasn't been too harsh for you and you are all staying safe and healthy. I've been using this time to try and catch up on some knitting, I've been kind of ignoring my crafting projects. How has your life been going? An enormous thank you and a basket of hugs for my Beta, TakeItEezy. Their stories are amazing so please go check them out and give them some appreciation. Have a lovely day all!


	16. A Stroll and a Chat

Kaera turned over that first conversation and her other questions over in mind all throughout work that day and every day that followed for the rest of that week. She was still terribly confused and needed answers. Every time she was around Crowley or Aziraphale, she wanted to ask them, but something always stopped her. Before she could even open her mouth, an image of how bothered Crowley looked after he answered her first question came into her head and stopped her from asking. She didn’t want to make it worse. She didn’t want to upset Aziraphale or make Crowley angry and it seemed those questions would do both. She had tried doing some research on what she was but there were no other records of half angel, half demon creatures in existence, the only thing that came close to what she was was a creature called a Nephilim, but that didn’t seem quite right. Every route she took, every book she read, every website she scoured just lead her to a dead end. To make matters worse, every so often, the voice would whisper to her, “They won’t be able to give you the answers you need…but we can…you’re wasting your time up here…” It was making everything so much worse. She just wanted to scream!

By Saturday, she was about ready to slam her head against the wall. That was when she decided to take a walk by herself. Since she wasn’t used to opening up to people, she did want someone to confide in but that was hard to come by when you mistrust almost everyone you come across, she’d come up with techniques to help her handle everything on her mind. One of her favorites, and the most effective, was to go out walking and just let her mind wander. So on Saturday morning, she got out of bed (after a night of no sleep), got dressed and crept downstairs and out the door.

The sun had barely risen, the small town was covered in gray shadows with a sliver of yellow morning light. It was rather chilly, but she didn’t mind. She began walking but a second set of footsteps reached her ears and she whirled around. Much to her surprised, Aziraphale was standing by her. 

“Good grief!” She nearly yelled. “Don’t sneak up on me like that, I almost punched you in the face!” Aziraphale looked bashful.

“Apologies.” He said.

“It’s alright.” Kaera sighed back as she managed to get her heart rate back under control. “I hope I wasn’t too loud, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. I was already awake. I hope I didn’t frighten you too badly, I was just wondering what you were doing out here.”

Kaera looked out towards the rest of the town. “I usually go out walking if I have a lot on my mind,” she muttered.

Aziraphale nodded. “Would you care for some company?”

“Say no…” the voice whispered. In any other circumstance, she would have done just that, but there was just so much that she didn’t understand. She wanted to think that she could handle it on her own and she didn’t want to risk hurting Aziraphale. But something in the back of her mind told her that he’d be able to help, that it would do them both much more good than harm to talk about it. So she found herself saying yes. Aziraphale smiled and the two of them started off in the direction of the town.

For the first five minutes or so, there was nothing but silence until Aziraphale spoke up. “So you have quite a bit bothering you?”

She sighed. No getting around it. “I’ve just been thinking a lot about my life, what I am.” 

“And what conclusions have you come to?” Aziraphale asked, looking at her.

“So far, nothing.” Kaera said, kicking a rock into a nearby ditch. “I don’t really know what to make of myself. I now have confirmation about what I am and I thought that answer would be enough to drive away the uncertainty, but if anything it’s only opened the floodgates for more questions and uncertainties. What can I do? What am I here for?”

Aziraphale was quiet for a moment. “I’m afraid I can’t tell help you find those those answers. Those are the things you must figure out for yourself.” He said. 

“But then there are the questions I don’t want to find the answers to.” She said solemnly. Aziraphale’s face became grim.

“Like what?” He asked. She looked him square in the face.

“Where will I go when I die?” The silence that followed was unbearable. “It’s the big thing that’s been on my mind all week. I age, so I must be moving closer to death and I’m terrified of it, more than just the usual amount. From what I gather, there are two places I can end up, Heaven or Hell, and I don’t think there’s a place in between. But I have this horrible feeling that wherever I end up, I’ll be alone and unhappy.” It was obvious why she’d be unhappy in Hell, it was Hell for Lord’s sake. Crowded, dark, and full of pain. She could vividly picture herself there in the misery, being subjected to torture and fear for the rest of eternity. But Heaven was supposed to be a place of pure joy, at least that’s what she thought until Aziraphale had described it to her. A picture of a place devoid of laughter or happiness formed in her head. A place pure white and sterile and cold. She couldn’t stand the thought of the horrible loneliness she knew she would face if she were sent to Heaven. 

They had reached the town. Nobody was out, leaving the narrow streets empty and devoid of noise. But it was still lovely and quaint, the quiet would have brought her some peace if there weren't a horrible terror in her heart They continued to walk until they came to a small park, full of lovely trees and a concrete path. But despite their lovely surroundings, the angel could see the distress on her face and stopped, sitting down down on a nearby bench. He patted the spot next to him beckoning for her to join him. Kaera sighed and sat down. “I can only assume that Hastur wanted to bring me back to Hell. But what does Hell want with me? What would they do to me if I was down there? I certainly don’t want to find out.”

“And why do you wish to avoid heaven?” He asked. There as a bitterness in his voice that Kaera had never heard from him before.

“I don’t want to be alone and I know I’d be alone if I were in heaven. I don’t belong. There’s a part of me that’s demonic and I get the feeling they would know and want to do something about it. I don’t know what they’d do, but I’m scared. I technically don’t belong in either. I’m too angelic for Hell and too demonic for Heaven. But if I’m going to die, I’m going to have to go somewhere, but wherever I go, I’ll be wrong, I’ll be miserable, and I’ll be alone. It’s inevitable and I’m terrified of it.” She put her head in her hands and began shivering. The fear was horrible and suffocating, she felt like there was ice in her veins and she felt so incredibly helpless to do anything to change her fate. A soft warm hand laid itself on her shoulder.

She looked up at Aziraphale. There was a look in his eyes that could only be described as angelic sympathy. She shivered, ashamed at her stupid vulnerability. "I just don't know what to do, or what to think. I'm scared." 

Aziraphale thought for a moment, a look of deep contemplation coming over his face. “I’ll make a deal with you,” he said. “When you die, no matter where you go, I’ll come visit you. If you go to Hell, I’ll disguise myself as a demon. Even if they lock you in the deepest pit and let nobody in to see you, I’ll find a way. If you go to Heaven, then I’ll come to see you, even if Gabriel tries to do something about it, I’ll make absolutely sure that you aren’t alone.” 

The images of Heaven and Hell passed through her mind a third time, but something was different. Hell was still dark and full of agony and anguish, but there was a small bit of warmth, walking by her side, making her smile. Heaven was still lonely and sterile, but there was laughter. In the smallest, most discreet corner of Heaven, there was real joy. Aziraphale was by her side in both visions, comforting her in her misery. And even in the agony of Hell and the isolation of Heaven, she was happy. It was a little childish to think all of her fear and anxieties surrounding both places could be fixed with a simple promise, but she didn't care. The thought of having a friend nearby in places that would normally be torturous for her brought her comfort and instead of questioning it or wondering what could go wrong, she just let herself feel comforted. A simple kind of peace fell over her.

She looked back at Aziraphale and smiled. “It sounds wonderful.”

“I take it we have a deal?” He said, a slight tease in his voice.

Kaera laughed. “Yes, it’s a deal.”

Aziraphale smiled and stood up. “Come on, we should be getting back. Crowley will most likely be wondering where we’ve gotten to.” She stood up as well and the two began to walk back in the direction of the edge of town. “Besides,” he continued. “You’re only eighteen? Seventeen?” 

“Eighteen,” she answered back.

“You’re still young. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you. Something I’ve always been rather jealous of is how humans manage to do so much in their lives. And you have a great advantage over both myself and Crowley.”

“What would that be?” She asked. 

Aziraphale looked wistful at the horizon. “A choice.” He paused for a moment, as if that were all he needed to say, but Kaera didn’t understand. What was so important about a simple choice that an angel would be jealous? “When I told you I’ve seen suffering of every kind, I meant it, and in many cases, I’ve been able to do very little to help. I’ve been told that it was my duty to stand by and do absolutely nothing while countless people suffered and died horribly. It was only when I disobeyed and chose for myself what I thought was right that I felt truly free. You choose for yourself what is right, without Heaven or Hell standing in your way. That in it of itself is a very powerful thing.”

“You think so?” Kaera asked.

“Absolutely.” Aziraphale answered. “In my mind, the truly righteous being is the one who has every opportunity to do the wrong thing, to take the easy path, and still chooses to do the right thing.”

Kaera’s mind traced back to many of the choices had had mulled over and gotten so anxious about over the years and wished she had realized what a true gift choice really was. “D’you mind if I ask you a rather personal question?” She asked. 

Aziraphale looked a little nervous, but he still kept his composure. “Not at all, dear.”

“Did you ever doubt God?” 

Aziraphale thought for a moment before answering, “No. I always knew she had a plan. Even if I didn’t know what it was, I knew she had one. Every so often, throughout all the doubt and chaos, I’d get a small glimmering bit of happiness in me and I learned to take that as a sign that I was doing something right. I doubted my fellow angels many times, but I never doubted God.” That brought her a little comfort. For someone who had their entire world turned upside down to still have their faith was admirable. “Crowley and I consider ourselves to have our own side, and I believe you may be on it.” She felt a strange surge of pride when he said it. Being an outsider was one thing. She knew the feeling of being estranged from everyone she knew. For years many of the other children in the orphanage had treated her like a freak. But she always found comfort in the other outcasts, the children who felt they had no group, no clan, no belonging. So they found a strange kind of belonging together. To be an outcast in the company of outcasts was perhaps one of the truest forms of comfort she could think of. 

As they left the village, the conversation lulled a little. Kaera was too emotionally worn out to talk about any more of her problems. They could wait for another day. But she was curious about Aziraphale, she still knew so little about him, even though she had the feeling of familiarity around him. “You’ve been around for how long?” She asked.

“Since the beginning,” he answered back. “6,000 years.”

“Only 6,000? I’d think it was longer.” Aziraphale shook his head. Goodness, she knew even less about the world than she thought she did. “Is it interesting to watch the world change? To watch everything go by?”

His eyes lit up. “It’s fascinating.” He said. “It’s a little bittersweet because I know I’m not truly a part of it but I love seeing all the improvements and inventions that humans come up with. I find it absolutely amazing.”

“Strangely enough, I know how you feel. I’ve only been around since the 70s but I’ve seen some interesting things-”

Aziraphale stopped walking. “Say that last bit again.” He said.

“I’ve seen some interesting things-”

“No, the bit before that.”

“I’ve only been around since the 70s…” her voice trailed.

“Kaera, what year were you born?”

“1977,” She answered automatically. It was the number on her birth certificate and ID. Then the realization hit her. If her math was correct, she should be in her forties. But she looked like a teenager, acted like a teenager, FELT like a teenager. What in the world was this supposed to mean?

“Aziraphale?” She asked. “I should be forty-two, but I’m only eighteen. How is that possible?”

Aziraphale thought for a moment. “I have a theory. Since you didn’t come into existence the way other angels and demons did, you had to age at some point, but you do so at an alarmingly slow rate.”

“Wouldn’t somebody have noticed? After all, a child staying in an orphanage for forty years and seemingly not aging would have made people a little suspicious.”

Aziraphale thought some more. “When humans encounter something supernatural that they aren’t supposed to understand, their minds tend to accept it without question, because questioning it would bring too many inconstancies and disturbances with it. Human minds are rather simple in that way. That’s most likely why it took you so long to acknowledge this contradiction as well, because you spent so long believing you were human.” Now that she thought about it, she believed she was seventeen for a really long time, almost six years in human time. “It is my belief,” Aziraphale continued, “that you will continue to age at an increasingly slow rate until you stop altogether.” 

“How can we be sure if that’s true?” She asked, her head spinning.

“We can’t be. We just need to keep observing.”

Kaera didn’t know what to think, a strange wall of emotion passed over her. She was relieved that she wouldn’t have to worry about Heaven or Hell, a little gobsmacked that it was likely that she wouldn’t die, and she honestly didn’t know what to think. It as only 8:30 in the morning and a little too much had been revealed to her. Everything boiled over and she began laughing hysterically. 

“Well, this wasn’t how I expected this morning to go.” She said.

“Are you alright, my dear?” Aziraphale asked. That really was his catchphrase, wasn’t it?

“Not really.” She said. The angel turned to face her, a sadness in his eyes. He knew this was too much for someone to take, especially someone so inexperienced when it came to the ethereal and the infernal. She wouldn’t have been able to stand it if she didn’t have him or Crowley. But she did have them. They said they would help her come into her own and understand what she was. Despite the turmoil in her heart and the questions still swimming in her mind she smiled. “But I will be.” For once, she meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading this long chapter. Apologies for uploading a day late. My anxiety was kinda going crazy yesterday and it made me think that this chapter was stupid and that I shouldn't upload it. But, I did and I'm pretty proud of it. Also we've bypassed 110 hits! What?! Thank you guys so much for reading, I never would have expected this story to be read and enjoyed. I hope your lives are going well and you are staying safe and staying inside during this confusing and scary time. Thanks ever so much to my wonderful Beta TakeItEezy. go check out their work, it's amazing! Thank you for reading, and have a lovely day!


	17. First Lesson

A few days went by. Gradually, Kaera began to grow used to things in the small cottage. She came to welcome Aziraphale’s eccentricity and occasional sass, she learned to understand Crowley’s aloofness and appreciate his quiet signs of appreciation for Aziraphale. She hoped one day that she’d be able to really feel at home around the two of them. She wasn’t there yet, but she would be. And they had their moments. Aziraphale had shown her some of his favorite books and Crowley began to show her how to take care of houseplants, albeit somewhat reluctantly. They were even teaching her how to cook. Well Aziraphale was teaching her, Crowley, from what Aziraphale told her, wasn't a very good cook.

One afternoon while they were making ratatouille, Aziraphale asked her to go grab some cucumbers, tomatoes, and bell peppers. She gave him a smile and went out the door and into the garden. 

During her week and a half with them, she had noticed that Crowley was very particular about his plants. There were potted houseplants all over the living room and a large garden in the front yard. Crowley had been teaching her how to tend to them but his methods were...unorthodox. While he was teaching her one day, she had noticed a faded leaf on one of the plants she had bought to practice and Crowley absolutely flew off the handle at the poor little fern. When she had asked what it had done to deserve such a putdown, Crowley had answered, “You need to put them in their place. You can’t let them get too cocky.” She didn’t see why he needed to be so harsh with them. All the plants were so beautiful and vibrant, the flowers all smelled lovely, the vegetables and fruit from the garden always tasted fresh and delicious, and the houseplants made the tiny house seem grand and luxurious, like a jungle palace. But it seemed like Crowley knew what he was doing and it wasn’t her place to judge.

She walked out into the garden, a small chill in the air told her autumn was on its way. She always enjoyed the transitional time between summer and autumn, so this left her in a rather good mood. This good mood was instantly spoiled as soon as she took a look at the garden. Something Crowley had forgotten to take into account was that no matter how much care one put into a plant, small animals or bugs will always find them absolutely delicious. All the vegetables had been torn from their branches and chewed to bits, the soil had been tossed every which was, and the roots absolutely demolished. The fruit trees were luckily left untouched but everything on the ground was done for. ‘ _Oh dear._ ’ Kaera thought. _‘Crowley is not going to like this.’_

“Crowley! Aziraphale!” She called. “We have a bit of a problem out here!” The two of them joined her out in the garden. A sour expression came over Crowley’s face as soon as he saw it.

“Well this is just peachy.” He huffed. Kaera wondered if that pun was intentional or not.

“This really is unfortunate.” Aziraphale said. “But perhaps this could prove to be a teaching moment.”

“Teaching moment?” Kaera asked. “How?”

“Well, you could miracle this away or you could heal the garden. Either way, you could fix this by using your angelic abilities.” A huge nervous knot formed in Kaera’s stomach. Accepting her identity was one thing, trying to use her abilities was another. The only time she’d ever used her abilities was completely by accident and there wasn’t any kind of link, aside from a few occasions when she was extremely angry or nervous. But the most common occurrence was when things would disappear around her, or something that was nowhere near her would appear directly next to her or an injury on her or on somewhere near her would mysteriously heal. They had all been somewhat minor occurrences, never something this large. She knew that it was her doing but she didn’t know how she’d caused it or how to call it or manually replicate it. And she had no idea how to control it. What if she tried to do something and nothing happened? 

“Aren’t you two trying to limit how many miracles you do? To keep someone from getting angry?” She tried, hoping that she’d be able to avoid the humiliation.

“You gotta learn how to do this at some point,” Crowley said, giving her a look halfway between a scowl and a smirk.

“Don’t be nervous, my dear girl, you’ll be just fine.” Aziraphale assured.

“If you say so,” Kaera said as she crouched down next to the ruined garden. Aziraphale knelt down next to her and put his hand on the ground.

“Using angelic abilities is essentially asking for the Almighty’s assistance and power to help you perform a task, or asking Her to show Her might through a miraculous act. In other words, She acts through you. That small, joyous feeling in your chest when you do a righteous deed, that’s your angelic side, shining through.” Kaera was thoroughly confused. Was he talking personally or generally? Besides, how was she even supposed to _do_ that?

“Maybe you should let her try it out before you make her dizzy,” Crowley said, his arms folded. Aziraphale flushed.

“Yes, perhaps you’re right.”

‘ _No_!’ Kaera thought. ‘ _No keep talking so I don’t have to make a fool of myself! I don’t care if you don’t make any damn sense, just keep talking!_ ’

Tentatively, she set her hand on the ground, without any clue as to what in the world she was doing. She thought she felt something in her chest, but it turned out to just be a batch of nerves. She tried her hardest to reach down into the deepest depths of her being, to reach for something inside, something that she had never grasped before but that she longed to take a hold of. But she found nothing and was left with a tired, annoyed feeling in her stomach. When she opened her eyes, the garden looked exactly the same. She hung her head, sweat dripping down her neck. 

“I can’t do it,” She groaned. Aziraphale patted her shoulder.

“It’s alright dear,” he said. “It’s difficult to do at first. When I tried to perform a miracle my first time, I made a right fool of myself. Give yourself some patience, you’ll get there.” She felt mildly comforted by this, but it did very little. Mostly she was just annoyed.

“You’re a failure…” the voice croaked. “You’re not living up to your potential…they won’t be able to help you… but we can…”

“No!” She snapped at the voice. Crowley and Aziraphale both looked at her, shocked and a little alarmed. “I mean…no I want to try again. But I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Aziraphale started to speak but Crowley put his hand out. “I got this one, Angel.” He said, crouching next to Kaera. “Angels and demons operate in different ways. When an angel performs a miracle, they do so out of duty. It’s their job to heal that person or bless that child. They don’t do so because they want to, but because they feel they have to. They must 'serve the most holy Almighty so that she may bless us with her goodness’. Self righteous buggers.” His tone took on a mocking falsetto as he said it. “There is of course, one exception to this.” He said, glancing at Aziraphale and giving him a playful smirk. “Demons on the other hand act on desire. Yeah it’s out job to lead humans to do bad things but if there’s something bad that we’re just itching to do, we do it. That’s how we fell in the first place.” His face fell a little. Even with the dark sunglasses hiding his eyes, she could tell he was upset or ashamed about it. “You can act on your desire to do bad or you duty to do good. Or your duty to do bad and your desire to do good. So think of it that way.” He shrugged. As strained as their relationship was, she did appreciate that he was trying. And she did want to heal the garden. She wanted to have control over her abilities. She wanted more than anything to feel that she had done something right.

Something stirred deep down in her chest. She didn’t know what it was but it was strong. If she could only get her hand around it, touch it, understand it…

A warmth came to her chest and spread all throughout her body. A breath came and left her lungs and in that small breath, life was breathed back into the garden. It was just as lovely and green as it was before. She had done it. She had actually done it.

“Well done, Kaera!” Aziraphale threw his arms around her.

Crowley took off his sunglasses as he inspected the garden, his eyebrows raised. “She actually did it.” He muttered to himself.

“You didn’t believe she could do it, darling?” Aziraphale chided.

“I did _not_ say that, Angel.”

Aziraphale smirked in a very un-angelic way. “You were certainly thinking it.” Crowley rolled his eyes.

Kaera looked at the newly healed garden in disbelief. She had really done it. One minute the garden was in shambles, the next it was perfectly beautiful and healthy again. And it was all her doing! For the first time in her life, she was proud of herself and felt that she had done something good. For once, she had done something right. Goodness, was she smiling? She was! She was smiling and she was laughing too. She was genuinely happy and proud of herself. She tightened her embrace around Aziraphale, hugging him back.

“You did marvelously, dear,” he said. She turned around and held her hand out to Crowley (she gathered that he wasn’t much of a hugger).

“Thanks for the suggestion. It really helped.” She said.

Crowley looked at her for a second, then took her hand and shook it. “No problem,” He said with a smirk.

“Well, gather some of those vegetables and let’s get back to that ratatouille.” Aziraphale said, grabbing two tomatoes. Kaera plucked a bell pepper and two cucumbers from their vines, looking around the newly healed garden. Maybe this would work out after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I figured, we're all stuck in quarantine, we're doing what we can to get by, and we all need a little extra positivity. So I thought I'd do some extra updates rather than just keeping it to one a week. I hope you all are okay with that. Every time someone gives me a kudos or comment I just get such a warm happy feeling in my heart. I'm so glad that people are liking my story and I hope I can bring you all a little bit of a good thing in this troubling and confusing time. Thank you for reading what I write. Many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my beta and helping me make my story as good as it can be. Go give them some love, they deserve it. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	18. Practice

Healing  
The next two months consisted of hard and very strange work. Crowley and Aziraphale did their best to help Kaera hone her abilities, or at the very least figure out how to use them without getting a headache.

One afternoon, about a week or so after the incident with the garden, when she was helping Aziraphale get started on dinner her hand slipped and the knife sliced her palm open.

“Oh goodness!” Aziraphale gasped.

“Where’s the first aid kit?” She groaned.

“Under the…wait just a moment.” Aziraphale pondered. “Perhaps you should try healing it yourself.”

Kaera held her bleeding palm, keeping pressure on the wound. “Didn’t we just do this song and dance last week?” She grunted.

“In a way, but healing yourself is far different than healing another person or a garden. Some would argue it’s on the more demonic side of miracles, since angels aren’t supposed to be selfish. It may be different but it does stem from the same place.”

“You sure this is a smart idea? What if I do something wrong?” She asked, the familiar batch of nerves coming to her chest. She was still relatively new at this and the idea of it still frightened her a small bit. Aziraphale put a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“That’s why I’m here, my dear girl. Just give it a go, you’ll be just fine.”

Kaera nodded and closed her eyes, focussing all her energy on her hand. She focussed as hard as she could, searching for that peculiar warmth and wholeness that she felt that day in the garden. It was there, she could feel it, it was just a matter of finding it.

“You can’t do it…stop trying and give in…” The voice whispered to her. She flinched, gasping slightly, squeezing her eyes even tighter and doing her best to keep her focus. It was no use, there was no way…the tightness returned and it felt like something was squeezing her heart in a very powerful fist. ‘ _Please work, please work, please work…_ '

Aziraphale’s hand was still on her shoulder and his gentle voice pulled her from her thoughts. “Don’t try to force it. Just relax. It’ll come naturally to you.” She took a breath and let it out, doing her best to banish the nerves that still sat in her stomach. In the darkness, she could sense a familiar kind of presence. Not a person, but still a familiar entity nonetheless. Whatever was left of her anxiety was banished as soon as she sensed the being. As soon as it came, her whole body was filled with that funny peace and warmth. She took another breath. A heat came over her hand, like the feeling of being close to a campfire, as well as another feeling. It wasn’t pain, but it was close. The warmth spread all over her palm and the wound began to close, she could feel her skin almost being knitted together. “Yes, that’s it.” She heard Aziraphale say. She opened her eyes just in time to see the gash disappear from her hand. Her palm was whole and healthy again. She let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

“It was easier that time,” she mused. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“Well they do say practice makes perfect.” Aziraphale said with a chuckle.

Kaera rolled her eyes and smiled at the angel before picking up the knife and resuming her task.

Summoning

Early September usually meant that harvest was just around the corner, so Crowley was becoming extra particular about his garden. It hadn’t rained in a few days, so he needed to water them by hand. The three of them were in the garden one crisp morning with Crowley spraying the vegetables with a plant mister, Aziraphale pulling up late cropping weeds from around the plot, and Kaera spreading fresh soil. The morning sun was beginning to creep over the trees, sending warmth over her back.

“Damn,” She heard Crowley mutter.

“Everything alright?” She asked.

“Just ran out of water, gotta refill the mister.”

“I’ll take care of it dear.” Aziraphale said. Kaera blinked and in an instant, there was a water bottle in Aziraphale’s hand. Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Don’t worry, it’s just regular water.”

“I thought we were limiting miracles.” Crowley said. Aziraphale went slightly pink.

“Sometimes I forget myself.” He murmured. Crowley slung an arm around the angel’s shoulder.

“’s alright angel.” He assured, laying a tiny kiss on his forehead. He took the water bottle and refilled the mister.

“How’d you do that?” Kaera asked, eyeing the water.

“Summoning?” Aziraphale asked. “Oh it’s a fairly simple miracle. Just concentrate on what it is you need and it should appear, so long as you picture it clearly.”

Kaera stood up, a rather silly idea coming to her mind. She closed her eyes and concentrated, picturing every small detail of the thing she needed. Another idea came to her mind and she began to think about where it would appear. A smirk came over her face that one would almost call devilish.

“What the…” Crowley said. When Kaera opened her eyes, he was reaching into his pocket, where something had just appeared. He pulled out the mysterious object and made a face. Kaera and Aziraphale both began laughing hysterically. “This is your idea of a joke?” Crowley said, rather unimpressed. In his hand was a small rubber duck wearing silver rimmed sunglasses and a leather jacket. For extra measure, she had also pictured it with flaming red hair.

“I don’t know dear,” Aziraphale said, “it is an uncanny likeness.”

"Does it have ears?" Kaera teased, giggling. "It must, how can it hear other ducks?"

Crowley huffed and went back to watering the garden. When he was done, he took the mister and headed back inside, not noticing Kaera closing her eyes again. When he went to put the mister back in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, he found a similar rubber duck waiting in its place. He groaned and closed the cabinet.

As he was getting ready for bed that night, and after the stupidity of the day, he was ready to sleep for at least a month, he noticed that his pillow was a rather odd shape, with strange looking lumps sticking out here and there. He picked up the pillow only for an avalanche of Crowley rubber ducks to fall out of the pillow case.

This was a very stupid idea of a prank, he could think of far better ones, but the sheer stupidity of it made him that much more irritated. Aziraphale was sitting on his side of the bed, chuckling to himself.

“Don’t tell me this was you,” Crowley snapped.

“I had nothing to do with it.” Aziraphale said, feigning innocence.

“Yeah, but you knew about it didn’t you.”

Aziraphale closed his book and set it down on his bedside table. “Perhaps.”

“It’s not even that good of a prank. It’s honestly really stupid.”

“Perhaps that’s what makes it so funny, the fact that it’s so confusing.” Aziraphale pondered. Crowley rolled his eyes. The angel chuckled again as he went to turn the light off, when he noticed something. Sitting on top of his book was another rubber duck, only this one was wearing a cream colored coat and a tartan bowtie. A funny expression came over Aziraphale’s face as he examined the duck. ‘ _See how it feels now, Angel_ ’ Crowley thought mischievously. But instead, Aziraphale just smiled. “That’s simply delightful, don’t you think, my dear?” Crowley rolled his eyes again. Aziraphale chuckled and snapped his fingers, banishing all the ducks except for one, which he picked up and placed on the small table, next to newest one. Bless it, he was cute and Crowley could feel his cheeks going red.

He settled into the bed next to Aziraphale, who kissed his cheek. “If she doesn’t knock it off by tomorrow, I’m going to eat her pillow.” He muttered to the angel.

Shifting Appearance

Kaera sat on the couch with her sketchbook on her lap. The drawing coming from her pencil was of two familiar figures sitting on a bench with their right hands entwined in what looked like a formal handshake. Though their outward appearances were correct, their postures seemed to be opposite. Instead of his usual slouch, Crowley was sitting bolt upright with his left hand sitting delicately in his lap and Aziraphale was sitting with his legs askew and his usual perfect posture was replaced with an out of character hunch. Where their hands intertwined, a shifting light was shooting out.

That part of their story had intrigued her as soon as she had learned about it. Fooling both Heaven and Hell just by disguising themselves as one another? It was so simple it was almost baffling but it was also rather incredible how they were able to pull it off. She briefly began to wonder if she should try something like that. After all, she was in hiding. Hell was looking for her and if they found her, she’d be screwed. So looking like someone else might not be that bad of an idea.

She closed her sketchbook and walked down into the living room, where Aziraphale was writing something in a battered looking notebook. Crowley was in the kitchen making tea. When Aziraphale heard her coming down the stairs, he looked up and smiled. “Hello, dear. “ He said. “Did you need something?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. I was wondering if you could teach me to alter my appearance.”  
Aziraphale closed his notebook and stood up. “What on earth for?” He asked, slight concern in his voice.

“I thought it might be useful. If Hell is trying to take me, then I’ll need a way to get away quickly and without being noticed if things go wrong.” She did her best to keep her voice steady and to not show how afraid she was of that possibility but a tiny quiver worked into her voice as she was finishing her thought. Aziraphale noticed, but said nothing, not wanting to embarrass the girl.

“Well, I’d be happy to teach you, but I’m not very skilled when it comes to changing my appearances.” He looked down at his outfit, which looked like it belonged in a nineteenth century recreation. “It’s on the mischievous end of miracles so it’s more of a demonic skill.”

“Crowley?” She called.

“Wot?” The demon called back.

“I was wondering if you’d help teach me something.” She said, hesitating slightly. She was always bad at asking for things she wanted or needed, it always made her feel so horrifically awkward and even a little selfish at times. The demon joined them in the den.

“What’s goin’ on?” He asked.

“I want to learn how to alter my appearance, in case things go wrong and I need a disguise. Aziraphale said you were the man to ask.” She did her best to keep the fear out of her voice, but her expression gave herself away. Crowley raised an eyebrow. “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.” Crowley muttered something to himself. “What was that?” She asked. It sounded like he said “So much like them,” but she wasn’t listening carefully enough to hear.

“It’s nothing. You’re right, disguising yourself would be a smart idea. Sit down.” She sat down on the sofa and Crowley sat down next to her. Aziraphale left the room, to give them space to work (and to finish making tea).

“So, who should I try and look like?” She asked, thinking about some of the people she had seen on the street.

“Slow down there,” Crowley said. “Changing your full appearance might be too much. You’re still new to this and if you try and force yourself to use too much power, you could wear yourself out. I think you should just alter something small like your hair or eye color to start out with.” He closed his eyes and took a breath. As Kaera watched, his short, combed hair, began to grow at a rapid pace until it reached his shoulders. When he opened his eyes, his hair had become a long, wavy mop. He inhaled sharply and his hair went back to the normal length. “As with other miracles and demonic acts, you just need to concentrate and picture what you want to change. It’ll be a little different and a little difficult since you’re altering rather than creating or summoning. This kind of act is a lot more detail oriented. And it’ll be easier to screw up and get more skewed since you’re doing a demonic act on yourself. Got all that?”

Kaera nodded and closed her eyes, focussing intently. She was able to find the peculiar presence in her much more quickly this time, but it wasn’t the warm, inviting presence from before. It was ambitious and cold and angry, taking in everything around it and pulling it closely. It was all Kaera could do to keep a hold on it without getting swept up and devoured. Slowly and tentatively, she got her hand around it, the heat and the fury overtaking her, and then she was left with silence. A picture formed in her mind, she memorized every detail, every tiny last piece of it, until she could remake it. A peculiar pulling feeling bloomed on her head and a kind of burning sensation welled up behind her eyes. Just as quickly as these feelings came, they were gone. She opened her eyes to see Crowley looking at her, a slight grin on his face.

“Did it work?” She asked.

Crowley pulled out his mobile and flipped to the camera. “See for yourself,” he said, handing the phone to her. Her face still looked the same, but her eyes had changed to a beautiful emerald green and her hair had shortened to reach just past her ears and had taken on a lovely copper color. She reached up, running her fingers through her newly shortened hair. The length surprised her, her head felt so light and breezy. She concentrated again, still looking at her reflection and as she watched, her eyes shifted from green to blue to purple to an almost tie-dyed color.

“Take it easy,” Crowley said with a bit of a chuckle. “Don’t push yourself too hard, you might hurt yourself.” She had begun to feel a little dizzy and her eyes were beginning to hurt. “Try and bring your old hair and eye color back.” He instructed. She closed her eyes, concentrating. She took a breath and shook her head rapidly, feeling the locks becoming longer and heavier and taking in the slight burn behind her eyes again. When she opened her eyes again, her dirty blonde hair was back and she could only assume her reddish yellow eyes had returned as well. Crowley grinned again. “Not bad. Not bad at all.” Despite his laidback demeanor, she could tell that underneath it all, he was sad.

“Everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He said. “Everything’s fine.”

He was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Happy belated Passover for any of my Jewish readers and Happy Good Friday to all my catholic/christian/other religions that celebrate Holy Week (I'm not a religious expert, I'm sorry). I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope your week has been just sublime so far. I'm doing my best to stay positive and think of ways I can help. I'm glad for my health and safety and the health and safety of my family, but I also want to do more to help out. But we're all doing what we can. I suppose I'll just keep writing and provide a distraction or a comfort in this frightening and confusing time. Some good news, we've reached 140 reads! Holy cow!!!! Thank you all so very kindly for reading my story. I love writing it and I'm glad people are reading it. Kudos and comments are so very much appreciated, you all make me so happy. Many many thanks and much love to my beta TakeItEezy. Go give them some appreciation. Stay safe and healthy. Have a lovely day and a Happy Easter.


	19. Mind Tricks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with possession and may be disturbing to some readers. Please take care of yourselves.

With enough help, Kaera began to master her new skills. She was in no way perfectly in control of them, but she was getting closer. The main thing hindering her improvements were at first her own insecurities, but with enough encouragement from Aziraphale and on some rare occasions Crowley, the lack of confidence became a bit more manageable. Soon she was able to be a bit more patient with herself and take things at her own pace. That still left one problem. The voice in her mind absolutely refused to cease. In fact, it began to get worse. Even if she was just sitting in her room sketching or helping Aziraphale with dinner, it would whisper to her about how “something was coming” and that "she wouldn’t be able to stop it". It was just some supernatural being trying to scare her, she knew it was. Yet there was still a tingling fear in the back of her mind telling her that this was more than she could handle. She didn’t want to worry Aziraphale and Crowley, promising herself that she would tell them if things got too out of control for her to handle, and did her best to make it so they wouldn’t be able to sense the demon’s presence. This was her problem and she could solve it on her own…once she figured out how to do it.

Late in October, after two and a half months of practice, Crowley decided to surprise Aziraphale with a night out, leaving Kaera with the house to herself. Around 7:30, she began to get peckish and began fixing herself some supper until a peculiar chill ran up her spine. She tried to write it off as a minor tremor or perhaps the start of a cold (could she even get sick?) but deep down she felt as if it were some kind of ill omen. She continued with her task and pulled a knife from the drawer to cut up some carrots. Without warning, her arm reared back, flinging the knife across the room and into the wall. She wasn’t the one who did that. Her arm twitched, sending another tremor through her body, which began to move on its own. A sickening feeling wormed all throughout her body, clutching at every cell and atom, every drop of blood and every breath, every thought, heartbeat, and wish. They were no longer hers. Just spies taking root in her body. They were all snatched from her control and taken hold by something else. Something strong. She was still looking through her own eyes but she had lost full control. All she could do was watch as she pulled all the drawers from their places, sending their contents crashing to the floor, smash the dishes against the wall, tear the curtains from the window, and tear nearly every page out of Aziraphale’s books. She put her fist through the windows, clawed at the pillows on the sofa, and tipped over the bookshelf. She was showing strength that she didn't know she had...it wasn't her strength. It was the thing in her mind's. Try as she might to move on her own or to get herself to stop, nothing worked. There was nothing she could do.

“Relax…” the voice whispered. “Enjoy the show…” Kaera watched in absolute horror as she continued to wreck the house, even overturning Crowley’s plants and scratching at their leaves. The most terrifying part was that she was giggling like a gleeful schoolgirl the entire time. Her hands clawed at the air, desperate and longing for chaos and violence. She could feel it in her soul, whatever was in control craved violence and it was absolutely insatiable. The sickening feeling turned into a tightness that pulled at her spine and arms. She felt like she was being squeezed by a very large pair of hands. She was suffocating as she continued to watch the chaos she created. ‘ _Make it stop, please!_ ’ She thought. The laughter continued, the violence raged on when suddenly it stopped. There was nothing but silence. Her movements stilled. She felt like herself again. She wiggled her fingers, she was back in control. It was over, for now at least.

She sat down on the sofa, which had all the stuffing ripped out of the cushions, and tried to get the rest of her body stable. Her legs were wobbling, her heart was pounding faster that it had been in her life, and she felt like she was going to throw up. She tried to think of something else, anything else, to try and focus her mind and get herself to calm down, like that book Aziraphale told her about. Wait. Aziraphale…Crowley…shit. It was already 8:30, they’d be back in an hour and they couldn’t come home to a house in shambles. She did her best to undo the damage but some bits of her rampage still showed, she didn’t have a good enough hold on her powers to fix everything. Even if she did, she doubted she would have enough stamina. There were a few cracks in the dishes that refused to miracle away and even after she fixed the books, she had to reshelve them by hand. The glass in her fist went away but the wound needed to be bandaged rather than healed. Crowley’s plants just flat out refused to right themselves no matter how hard she tried so she had to manually sweep up the dirt and get rid of the torn leaves.

“Now I see why Crowley yells at you lot.” She muttered bitterly. By the time she was finished, it was almost 9:00 and she was thoroughly exhausted. Aziraphale had warned her not to use too much of her abilities at once because she wasn’t used to exuding that much power and she would tire her body out too quickly. She collapsed on the sofa again, her eyelids drooping and her head heavy. Surely a quick nap would have her right again…

* * * *

“Kaera?” Kaera slowly opened her eyes and saw Aziraphale looking down at her. Crowley was standing by the door. The room was dark and she was still on the sofa. 

“Oh,” she said. “Evening, gentlemen,”

“It’s not evening,” Crowley said. “It’s nearly five in the morning. You haven’t moved since last night.” Oh dear. Perhaps using that much power had more drawbacks than she thought.

“We found you asleep on the couch and haven’t been able to wake you since we came home.”

“I told you, I sleep like a rock.” She joked. Aziraphale was unamused.

“That’s not funny.” He said. “Something is wrong. You look quite pale. Did something happen?” 

There was no getting around it, she had to tell them. It had gotten out of hand and she couldn’t handle this on her own anymore. Besides, they were smart, they’d be able to help. “As a matter of fact-“ the second she began to speak, another chill went up her spine not like the last one, but it still sent a very clear message: choose your next words very carefully. “I…I think I might be coming down with something. I feel rather sick.” She hadn’t wanted to say it. Aziraphale put his hand on her forehead.

“You are feeling quite warm.” He observed. “This isn’t normal. Perhaps we should-”

“I’m fine!” She insisted quickly, her voice louder than she usually spoke. Once again, it wasn’t her saying it. The angel looked at her, rather shocked at her outburst. Crowley straightened up as well, not expecting her to be so firm. Kaera flushed with embarrassment, the chill creeping up her spine again. “I-I mean…I think I just need some rest. I’ll be fine.”

Aziraphale looked at her quizzically. He wasn’t buying it, but still let it go. “Alright.” He said. “Perhaps you should take tomorrow off as well. You don’t want to push yourself too hard if you’re ill.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” This time it had been her saying it. She didn’t want to go to work and risk another rampage or hurting her coworkers. “I think I’ll head up to bed.” She said, walking up the stairs. Aziraphale and Crowley didn’t respond. 

Despite the fact that she didn’t usually need sleep, the whole ordeal had left her body and mind completely worn out. After sending Lucille an email that she was feeling under the weather and wouldn’t be able to make it to work, she collapsed on her bed and slept for another four hours. By the time she woke up, it was 9:00 in the morning and the house was empty again. She wasn’t feeling nauseous any longer but she was still a little groggy. Splashing some cold water on her face felt like a good way to get her to wake up a little. As she walked to the bathroom, she tried to ignore the heaviness in her head.

She turned on the tap and let the cold water splash onto her cheeks and forehead. Whatever was happening to her wasn’t normal. She knew she needed to tell Aziraphale and Crowley, but for some reason, her mind wouldn’t let her. But what was going on in her head? Why was she feeling sick if she was an immortal being? And what would happen if she had another fit when Aziraphale and Crowley were around? She shuddered and splashed some more water on her face, hoping to wash away the distressing thoughts, if only for a little. 

When she looked up in the mirror, something was off. Her reflection was there, smiling back at her, but her face wasn’t smiling. The Kaera in the mirror smiled at her like someone would smile at a meal or a victim. It wasn’t a gleeful or happy smile either. It was the kind of smile that came over someone’s face when someone else got in trouble or when someone else got hurt. It was the kind of smile that appeared when someone gave into the darker side of their mind and listened to the part of them that told them to do harm and to revel in it, enjoy it, love it. Kaera had never seen that kind of smile on her face before and it frighted her. Heat broke out over her as she and her reflection stared at each other for a long time. As she watched, the reflection began to move. The arm came up and moved towards the throat, drawing a finger across in a slashing motion. Then there was nothing. The reflection went back to normal, her arm was hanging at her side and her face went back to terrified. She blinked a few times and waved her hand in front of her face. Her reflection did the same. Still breathing quickly and hot from fear, she practically ran back to her room and laid back down on the bed, trying to ignore the horrible feeling that she wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well, things seem to be heating up for Kaera. Hello all! Thank you so very kindly for reading my story. As of now we have surpassed 145! Woot! How has your week been? Mine has been alright, my family and I watched Phantom of The Opera tonight (every Friday, Andrew Lloyd Webber is streaming one of his musicals so the theatre kid in me is very happy). We're still doing out best to stay positive, and I'm glad I have my writing to distract me from the more gloomy side of the news. And I have you all to help me through as well. Y'all are awesome. Many thanks, much love and hugs to TakeItEezy for being my beta and helping make this story awesome. Thank you for reading, stay safe and healthy, and have a lovely day.


	20. Reflections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some disturbing things in this chapter, blood, maggots, and possession. Please please take care of your mental health.

The strange occurrences didn’t stop. The smiling reflection was just the start of it. Later the same evening, she’d stepped into the shower but instead of water coming from the shower-head, she was covered in steaming hot blood. She quickly turned off the shower and threw open the curtain only to find that the blood had disappeared and she was covered in water. When she got into bed that night, she saw her mattress covered in hundreds of roaches. When Aziraphale heard her scream and came running, all the roaches had disappeared. Aziraphale asked her what had happened, but before she could say anything, the chill ran up her spine, forcing her to lie and say that there was a spider in her bed that she’d miracled away. He clearly didn’t believe her but didn’t say anything further. Technically she wasn’t lying. She felt that it was her doing that the roaches disappeared but also that it was her doing that they had appeared in the first place. It was her power, she could feel it radiating from her, but she hadn’t called it. There was an eerie similarity to the way they would behave before she had control over them, with one glaring difference. When her powers had expressed themselves before, they had always been minor inconveniences. There was never anything this extreme. 

She was frightened at first, but by the end of the week her fear had morphed into debilitating panic. She knew that if she even tried to tell Crowley or Aziraphale, if she even considered it for a fraction of a moment, that unsettling chill would creep up her spine and she’d lose control. Usually it would start with a chill and then, depending on how the creature in her head was feeling, she would either begin to destroy everything around her or see and feel things that weren’t there, like the blood and the roaches. It was awful but she knew she couldn’t do anything. At the end of the week, she was a complete mess, but she wasn’t at all prepared for what was to come. It started when her reflection spoke to her. The first instance of her reflection acting on its own had severely unnerved her but it hadn’t made her feel that icy, hopeless kind of fear. When she heard her own voice speaking to her, that’s when she began to feel genuinely and utterly terrified.

“ _Why haven’t you given in?_ ” Her reflection said as she was washing her face one night.

Kaera was startled for a moment. Her reflection had just…spoken to her? This was something she had never encountered before. So she did the only thing she could think to do. She answered back.

“Given in? Given in to what? Nobody’s made me any kind of deal or offer.”

Her reflection shook its head. “ _You always were a stupid one._ ” It snapped. She knew she wasn’t the smartest person in existence but it still hurt to hear it. “ _You’re suppressing your true abilities. But we could do great things if you would just give in._ ” 

Kaera eyed her reflection warily. “What do you mean?”

Her reflection rolled its eyes. “ _There are so many amazing things we could do with our powers if only we had the proper guidance. Those two fools  
downstairs are only holding us back. You know they are. And you know what you need to do. You know who to turn to, you’re just being stubborn._”

“So all the crazy shit that’s been happening this week? It wasn’t just to screw with me or scare me? It was just to give me a nudge in the ‘right’ direction?” If she wasn't scared out of her mind, she would have been angry.

“ _Finally, you get some sense knocked into you._ ” Her reflection sneered. “ _So why don’t you give in? What you’ve seen, it’s only a fraction of what you can do! What_ we _can do!_ ” That really got her attention.

“What do you mean?”

“ _This isn’t someone else’s doing. Yes someone else is giving you the push you need, but the power is all ours. It’s just beginning to come into being. We’re doing all these wonderful things. Or at least we would be if you weren’t such a coward._ "

“That’s because your definition of greatness is very different from mine.” Kaera growled, turning towards the door.

“ _That’s not true at all._ ” Kaera froze and looked back at the reflection. There was a sinister grin across her face that was a little too wide for her comfort. “ _You revel in what's cruel and the disturbing. You love it and want more of it._ ” 

“That’s not true!” Kaera yelled. “That’s a lie and you know it!”

The reflection narrowed its eyes. “ _Is that really what you think?_ ”

“Yes…of course it is..”

“ _You can try and convince yourself otherwise but it’s there, buried under years of social conditioning and taboo. But you love the pain and the horror. You were meant to bring it. You live and breathe it. It’s part of your very existence, your very being! It’s who you are!_ ”

Kaera’s entire body was shivering. Terror ripped through her as the realization dawned on her. She was half demon. There was a part of her that was meant to bring misery wherever she went. But that wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want to hurt anyone and if the forces of Hell wanted something different for her, well too bad. 

She wanted to say it out loud, to tell her reflection, to tell her reflection to leave her alone, but all she could choke out was, “No. I’m not like that.” She’d never actively hurt anyone. This thing…whatever it was, wouldn’t dictate what she would do with her powers. A little bit of fire pulsed through her icy veins and gave her a small amount of strength. “I’m sorry, but you’re wasting your time.” She turned away from the mirror when the familiar unsettling chill ran up her spine, spreading all throughout her body. It was much more intense than it had been before. Her entire consciousness was dissolving, she no longer had a voice, no longer had thoughts other than a screaming, yawning void of pain and fear. It hurt, good lord did it hurt. The sensation ripped through her body and settled into every part of her. Her knees began to buckle and she doubled over, her hands gripping her head. The pain reached its peak exploded all throughout her body, twitching and seizing, bending her body in horrible, painful angles. All she could do was watch, a spectator in her own head. Her reflection smiled at her. She could feel the glare on her back.

“ _Maybe you just need to experience it for yourself._ " This time the voice speaking from the mirror wasn’t hers. The twitching stopped, her body steadying itself and standing, facing the mirror again. Her reflection was still there smiling back at her, but this time, her eyes were completely black. The mouth fell open and a sea of maggots began to pour out, writhing and filthy. Nothing was happening in the real world, but she could still feel the squirming bugs in her mouth, crawling all down her throat into her stomach, burrowing deep and eating her from the inside out bringing a sickening twisting feeling back up. A horrible smell filled the room, horrible yet familiar. It had been in the alley the night she was attacked.

No no no no no! She wanted to scream but her entire body betrayed her. Through all the fear and the pain, she felt as if the demon in her mind was searching for something, rooting around in her private thoughts, her emotions, her memories, until it found what it was looking for. She was forced to think of Crowley and Aziraphale, sitting downstairs, completely oblivious. It was going to hurt them! A small bit of strength found its way into her chest and she managed to form a thought and scream it to the demon. ‘ _Don’t you dare hurt them!_ ’ There was a shift in her mind and body. Though she couldn’t see the demon, she was sure it was smiling.

" _I’m not going to do anything._ " It purred back. " _You are. You’re going to have such fun!_ " 

Kaera watched in horror as she traveled down the stairs towards the den, unable to stop herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe I'm so mean to Kaera, and it's only going to get worse. Hello all! I hope you've been well and staying healthy and sane during quarantine. I'm fairing rather well, though feeling a little stir crazy. I really want to go to some of my old writing spots, like the lake or the cafe down the street but of course I can't do that, but I manage. My family and I watched Phantom of The Opera on Friday and oooo Sierra Boggess, so beautiful and such an amazing voice!!!!!! And Ramin Karimloo! Good lord he's got pipes! Auuugh!!...Sorry didn't mean to fangirl there. I hope my story continues to serve as a distraction from these fearful times and I hope everyone who is reading is enjoying. And hey, look we're 20 chapters in! Bit of a milestone. Many thanks and a basket of hugs to TakeItEezy for being my stupendous beta reader, go check out their work its amazing. Thank you ever so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	21. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter depicts violence and possession. It might be a little disturbing so please take care of your mental health.

There was trouble brewing. Crowley could smell some kind of dark entity in their house. It had been that way for nearly three days.He could pick up on the scent, but couldn’t specify where it came from. Still, though he couldn’t put his finger on what exactly it was, it felt very familiar. Part of him suspected it had something to do with Kaera, she had been acting more anxious than usual, and the scent of trouble got much stronger whenever she was around. Either she was planning something, or something else was making a plan involving her.

At first he had wanted to tell Aziraphale, but he was rather protective of the girl, so would he listen? Besides, he was an angel. He was even better at detecting evil than Crowley was, so if he didn’t sense anything, maybe there was nothing and Crowley was just being paranoid. Still, it all left Crowley feeling more uneasy than usual.

He and Aziraphale were sitting in the den one evening watching a film together when Kaera came down the stairs. In that moment, Crowley was stuck with the undeniable feeling that something _really_ wasn’t right. He had grown used to things not feeling right, he was a demon after all, but this time he knew something really bad was about to happen.

“Kaera, dear,” Aziraphale said. “Lovely of you to join us.” She didn’t answer, the only sound coming from her were ragged, angry breaths. Aziraphale paused the film and stood up to face her. “Did you need somethi-” before he could finish speaking, Kaera rushed at him, knocking him to the ground.

“Angel!” Crowley shouted. Kaera had her arm across Aziraphale’s throat and her fist beating against his face. Crowley rushed at Kaera and tackled her, knocking her off Aziraphale and launching her across the room.

“What in the world-” Aziraphale, again, didn’t have time to finish. Kaera this time rushed at Crowley, a demonic laugh coming from her throat, and grabbed him by the leg, pulling him to the floor. His leg was pulled in a very painful angle as Kaera leapt behind him, crawling onto his back in digging her elbow into the back of his head. A pain exploded over the front of his face and he heard a crack and a gush of blood as he was slammed against the polished wood floor. For a girl of only eighteen, at least in appearance, Kaera was surprisingly strong. Too strong.

“Get off him!” He heard Aziraphale shout as Kaera was pulled from his back. He flipped himself over, blood dripping down his face and neck to see that Aziraphale had grabbed Kaera around the middle and was doing his best to keep a hold on her, but her wild thrashing was not making it easy. With a mighty jolt, she kicked Aziraphale in the stomach. He dropped to the floor but still didn’t let her go, dragging her down with him. “Kaera please, calm down! What in the world has gotten into you?!” He shouted, doing his best to keep a hold on her as he stood up again. The thrashing caused Aziraphale to lose his balance, spinning around so his back was facing Crowley. Kaera slammed her head backwards, hitting Aziraphale in the throat. He made a choking sound and let her go, grasping at his neck. Crowley rose from the floor and ran to Aziraphale’s side, putting a protective arm in front of him. Kaera stood in front of them, her fists balled and her face twisted into a bizarre smile, too wide for her face almost. It looked like it almost pained her to be smiling in such a way, yet she still smiled. 

“Dear, this isn’t you,” Aziraphale said softly. Crowley gave him a concerned look. Now was not the time to try and reach her. Whatever was going on, just talking to her was not going to cut it. “I know you’re still in there and-” a sound from the kitchen distracted him from what he was about to say. A knife had pulled itself from the drawer and flew out from the kitchen, into the den, and into Kaera’s waiting hand. She ran her fingers over the blade, the shiny metal reflecting in her eyes, her pupils dilated so widely, that they almost looked black. Wait a moment-

The smile didn’t leave her face as she rushed forward. Aziraphale pushed Crowley behind him and braced himself to grab hold of Kaera again. This time, she anticipated his move and grabbed hold of his arm, twisting until there was a sickening crack as she pushed herself off the floor and over Aziraphale’s shoulder. While she was still in the air, she kicked her right leg outward, hitting Crowley in the jaw and knocking him backward, completely disoriented. She was still gripping Aziraphale’s wrist as she jumped and the momentum and force of it knocked him to the ground. When she landed, she was standing between Azirphale and Crowley, both of them on the ground. Aziraphale groaned, shifting himself so he was on his knees, looking up at the girl. “Kaera,” he gasped through the pain, cradling his limp arm, “don’t do this.” There was fear in his eyes, and also worry, but not for himself. The knife tightened in her grip. With a flash, and a yelp of pain, the blade quickly became covered in golden blood, a deep gash over Aziraphale’s chest.

“No!” Crowley shouted. He was right. He knew bringing this girl into their house was a bad idea. He grabbed one of the books that had fallen from the shelf and hurled it at Kaera with all his might. It wouldn’t be enough to knock her out or even knock her off her feet, but it might distract her for long enough so Crowley would be able to grab her. At the very least it would pull her attention from Aziraphale. The book sailed through the air and just before it hit her head…she caught it. She snatched it from the air. That wasn’t possible. She was facing away from him, she couldn’t have possibly seen him throw it. Even if she had heard him, she would have to have turned around to  
catch it. Unless…

Before he could finish his train of thought, Kaera launched the book back at hum, hitting him square in the chest. The force of it knocked him backwards, sending him careening into the bookshelf and onto the floor. He had to crawl out of the way to avoid being crushed by the shelf as it fell, sending books in every direction.

‘ _That does it!_ ’ Crowley thought. He was going to get this whatever it was out of his house if he had to drag it out by hand. He stood up, drawing Kaera’s attention. The smile still hadn’t left her face. Crowley clenched his fists.

“Out.” He snapped.

“Not just yet, Crowley.” A familiar voice croaked. It wasn’t Kaera’s. A small movement caught his eye and he noticed a small, grimy maggot creeping across her neck. Crowley wanted to kick himself. Of course! That’s why it felt so familiar. 

“I said-” She hurled the knife at him, landing it directly into his left shoulder. He howled in pain, clutching his arm as the blood soaked his shirt and ran down his skin. When he looked up again, Kaera was standing in the middle of the room, looking around at the damage she’d caused. The smile had left her face.

A very tense silence had filled the room. Nobody knew what to say. The only sounds that could be heard were Aziraphale’s pained gasps and Kaera’s ragged, nervous breaths. A distressed look came over the girl’s face as she looked at her hands.

“Kaera, listen to me-” Aziraphale said weakly.

“I’m a monster.” Kaera muttered. “It was right. It was right! I’m a monster!”

“Kaera wait-!” Before he could finish, Kaera had run across the living room and out the front door into the night. “Kaera!” Aziraphale called after her. He tried to run to the door but didn’t make it very far. He held his chest and hissed in pain.

“You’re not going anywhere with that gash, Angel.” Crowley scolded.

“But…unf!” He winced in pain again.

“First, we take care of that wound.” Crowley said, putting his hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder. The angel pulled away, holding his arm and wincing again. “Angel!”

“It’s nothing dear, just my arm.” He was holding it gently and there was a peculiar lump just under his shoulder joint. 

“It looks like your shoulder's dislocated.” Crowley observed, sitting Aziraphale down. Aziraphale bit back another groan as Crowley set his hand over his chest, a warmth spreading over his palm. He technically wasn’t supposed to be able to heal anything, but he had been a healer before the fall, and old habits die hard. In no time, the gash was gone, as was the bloodstain (he knew how particular the angel could be about his clothes). As gently as he could, he set his hand over Aziraphale’s shoulder, relieved when he felt the joint reconnect and the arm snap into place. “How does that feel?”

“Better,” Aziraphale said, wiggling his fingers. “Much better.” He looked up and saw the blood pouring from Crowley’s nose and the hilt of the knife sticking out from his shoulder. “You’re hurt too!”

“It’s nothing, I’m alright.” It _did_ hurt, but he’d had worse.

“You’re not alright, your nose is broken, your leg is twisted, and you have a knife in your shoulder!”

“‘m fine.” Crowley insisted.

“Please don’t argue, dear, just let me tend to it.” 

Crowley sighed. Aziraphale could see right through him, he knew he was full of shit. Slowly, Aziraphale pulled the knife out and set his hand over the wound. He had to be careful just to heal Crowley and not accidentally bless him. Either way, it stung. It stung even worse when he set his hand on his knee and his leg twisted back into place, Crowley had to bite his tongue to keep from releasing a string of curses that would most likely cause Aziraphale to try and wash his mouth out. The angel moved to fix Crowley’s nose, but the demon would have none of it, healing wasn't supposed to hurt nearly this much. Snapping his fingers, his nose shifted back into proper position. In no time, they were both in perfect health again, albeit bewildered and very confused. 

“What the Heaven just happened?” Crowley snapped.

“I don’t know,” Aziraphale said, knitting his eyebrows. “But that wasn’t her! I know it wasn’t.”

“Angel-”

“I know you might not believe me or not trust her, but I know her and you know her well enough to be certain that that wasn’t her!”

“Calm down, Angel.” Crowley said firmly. “I agree. I may not fully trust her, but I know she isn’t capable of something like that. She’s definitely not alone in that head of hers, someone’s in there with her. And I think I know who it is.” It took all of his willpower not to shiver as he thought of what might be coming, and why they would want to possess Kaera.

The two looked over towards the open door, swinging on its hinges.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale whispered, looking up at the demon and putting a protective hand on his chest. “Why do I get the feeling something awful is about to happen?”

“Dunno,” Crowley answered back, not looking away from the door, but putting his hand on top of Aziraphale's. “But your feeling might not be too far off.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Crowley shrugged. “Something’s been brewing all week. This has Hell’s fingerprints all over it.”

The color drained from Aziraphale’s face and he leapt from the couch. “Well come on then, we can’t waste any time!”

“Come on where?” Crowley asked, following the now very frantic angel.

“We have to find her before she gets involved in something that’s too much for her to handle!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Thank you kindly for reading, we have reached 160 hits!!! So how have you all been? I hope you have been staying safe. Many kind thoughts for everyone who is on the front lines when it comes to fighting off this virus. Here's hoping that it ends soon. Tell me about how you've been doing, and if you're feeling down, let me know if there's anything I can do to help (I have many poems and short stories that might cheer you up). Many many thanks to my Beta and very good friend TakeItEezy, they are amazing. Leave a kudos if you liked and a comment if you really liked. Many thanks, stay safe and healthy. Have a lovely day!


	22. Bargain

Kaera’s lungs were burning and her legs ached but she kept running. She had to put as much distance between herself and the cottage. The thought of hurting Crowley or Aziraphale again sent a horrible pain through her heart, she couldn’t bear the thought of it, so the best choice for all of them was if if she just stayed away. Now the only problem was figuring out where to go from here. She couldn’t go back to her apartment, she didn’t have any money on her at the moment, and the landlord only took cash or cheque. On top of that, Crowley and Aziraphale knew where she lived. They’d probably come looking for her and then she’d run the risk of hurting them again. Or even worse, they’d be furious with her. She told herself that the tears coming to her eyes were just from the wind in her face. So her flat was out.

But she had nowhere else to go. Maybe she could call one of her coworkers? Except she didn’t have her mobile with her and she couldn’t call them on a payphone because she didn’t have any of their numbers memorized and, again, she didn’t have any money. Even if she did, what if she stayed with one of her coworkers and she had another fit and tried to hurt them too? She was a menace, a monster. She couldn’t be around people. No matter where she went, she’d cause some kind of harm. She’d-

Her foot caught on a raised tree root and she fell face first into the dirt. Stings spread all through her face and hands.

Unwanted. She’d always be unwanted. No matter where she went, no one would ever appreciate her, ever want her around. No one would ever love her.

She assessed the damage as she sat up, resting on her knees. Nothing was sprained or broken, just a few scratches on her hands, face, and wrists and the bottoms of her feet were really sore. Wait a minute. That’s because she was in just her socks. She’d run out the door so quickly that she’d forgotten her shoes. And her coat. So she was out here, alone, no shoes, no coat, in the middle of the night in October. And it was _cold_. The air bit at her skin and made her shiver horribly, watching as her breath emerged from her lips in visible, whispy clouds. She tucked her knees into her chest, utterly lost about what to do next.

“Y’alright?” A voice said. “That was quite a nasty fall.” Standing next to her was a person who, quite frankly, looked homeless. Their black hair was choppy and unkempt and dirt was streaked over their face. Their clothes were ripped and looked faded and worn. Kaera wasn't exactly sure if she liked the way they were looking at her. There was an interest in their expression. Not exactly compassion or sympathy, but there _was_ something there.

“‘Ere.” They spoke in a thick Yorkshire accent. Kaera looked up at them, puzzled. Some random homeless person stopping by to help her? This was odd. But she had just realized she had nowhere to go. Maybe getting some outside help would set her straight. She took hold of their outstretched hand and they helped her to her feet.

“Thanks,” Kaera muttered.

“What was it you were runnin’ from?” The person asked.

Kaera looked back at the cottage which was now just a tiny speck in the distance. “Don’t want to talk about it.” She muttered. 

“I understan’” The person said warmly. “We all ‘ave pasts that we’d rather forget.” Kaera cracked a tiny smile. “Come on ova’, ya must be freezin’.” They gestured behind them where a ramshackle tent and a small campfire were tucked away in a small corner of the woods. Kaera was about to accept when the panic of what had just happened flooded her again.

“No.” She quavered. “No you need to stay away from me. I’m not safe, not normal.” The stranger looked undeterred.

“Nonsense. Imma pretty tough character. There ain’t much that really gets to me. Besides, you look like you could use a friend.” They gestured to the fire and tent once more. “ ‘Ow ‘bout it, right?” The more they spoke, the more Kaera began to relax, oddly enough. There seemed to be a strange soothingness to their voice and she eventually found herself giving in. The person smiled and led her over to the fire, letting her warm her hands and feet. “Y’not wearin’ any shoes.” The stranger observed. Kaera rubbed her soles. 

“I rushed out too quickly before I put them on.” She said, looking into the dancing flames. 

“Hmm.” The stranger responded. “Y’look really upset, everything alright?” Kaera was silent. “C’mon, it’ll make you feel better to talk through it.”

She sighed. “I…I did something horrible.” She was too worn out to care anymore, and the ease that settled in her when she was around this stranger seemed to be loosening her tongue. “I hurt two people I really care about. I hurt them, and now I can’t go back.” A sinking feeling spread through her chest and into her stomach, making her feel sick. Never in her life would she forget the fear and confusion on Aziraphale’s face and the anger and betrayal on Crowley’s. All of it made her want to either scream into the void or curl into a ball and cry.

“Oh I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that,” The stranger offered.

“I tried to stab them!” Kaera almost shouted. “There’s no way they’d ever want to see me again after what I did.” She pulled her arms over her chest, her only armor against the cold.

“Well that does sound like quite a problem.” The stranger said, before going quiet for a moment. “Now you got nowhere to go?” They said after a little.

Kaera shrugged. “Not really.”

“That’s a shame” They thought a little more. “Tell you what. Why doncha' stay with me for a while? Just ’til you get back on ya feet.” Suspicion began to rise in Kaera. This person had only just met her and was already offering to let her stay with them? Something was definitely fishy here and she wasn’t sure she wanted to stick around to find out what.

“Oh, no,” Kaera said, rising to her feet. “I don’t want to intrude-”

“It’d be no trouble at all.” The stranger insisted, standing up as well. Their voice took on a different tone as they said it. It made her head feel heavy as soon as the sound reached her ears. 

“It doesn’t look like there’d be room for both of us,” she said, looking for an excuse to get away.

“Oh we wouldn’ be stayin’ ‘ere.” They said with a little chuckle. Once again their voice burrowed into Kaera’s ears, settling gently in her mind, almost like a lullaby. “I ‘ave some friends that we can stay with. You’ll like ‘em.” Another wave of fear passed over her. Even if the offer sounded suspicious, she was more terrified by the idea of hurting more people. Under no circumstances would she let that happen. Though the stranger insisted that they could withstand, Kaera didn’t quite believe them. Even if _they_ could, their friends might not be so lucky. What if she hurt one of them as well? That was the absolute last thing she wanted to do. 

“I’m sorry, but no.” She said, putting as much conviction into her voice as she could muster. “I don’t want to be a risk to anyone else. I’ve just hurt two people I care for, I won't do it again.” This time it wasn’t just an excuse to leave, it was genuine fear.

Was it just her imagination or was the stranger bristling and getting frustrated at her refusal? “Y’don’t hafta worry ‘bout that.” They said, their voice taking on a slight intensity. Funny. Instead of making her nervous, like it normally would, the intensity only made her more calm and soothed. “My friends and I can take you somewhere were you won’t hurt anyone. My friends are a lot like you, y’know?” Through the haze, that thought caught her attention. A lot like her? Was it possible she wasn’t alone? Were there others out there like her? 

“We can give you all the answers you’re lookin’ for. How does that sound?” Their voice was slow and soothing, easing into her mind and body, making her go all fuzzy. But there was also some sense in their words. There was still so much about her that was confusing her, would this stranger possibly know what she was? Would they be able to help her? 

They stepped a little closer, passion in their eyes. Normally, this would have frightened her, but with every word they spoke, she felt herself drift further and further into the calm, as if they’d spun warmth and soothing ease into their voice. It was almost hypnotizing hearing them speak. “Everything will be alright. You’ll be safe. You won’t be alone. You’ll be surrounded by friendzzzzz.” The lengthened z broke her out of her trance slightly. She glanced at them. “Nervous tick.” They explained, holding out their hand. “Come with me. You’ll be okay.” 

Kaera looked back towards the cottage and the pain spread through her heart again. There was no way they would ever want her back. She had hurt them. She had tried to kill them. The voice was right, she didn’t belong here. Maybe this stranger really would be able to help her. Maybe they really _did_ know other people like her. She began to drift back into the calm…  
A prickle broke out in her chest, spreading from her pendant. It seemed almost like a warning, like going with this stranger was the wrong thing to do. She began to wonder if she should refuse, when the soothing feeling passed over her again as she felt the stranger’s gaze on her intensify. It was warm and hazy, like she was wrapped tightly in a large blanket. She had just thrown away her only chance at a normal life with practically her only friends. She had nothing else to lose. 

“Okay.” She said, the sound of her own voice sounded strange to hear again, and she was getting a little dizzy. “I’ll take you up on that offer.” She took the stranger’s outstretched hand and shook it as a smile came over their face. 

“Perfect.”

They gripped Kaera’s hand hard, refusing to let go. Kaera didn’t even have time to scream before she was pulled downwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm having such fun writing this story. Thank you ever so much for any new people who may have recently found this story. Hello new friends! Every time I see how many hits this story has, I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest. And I hope that reading this provides a good escape from the craziness that's happening outside. Please stay safe and healthy and if you can, do what you can to help. I was thinking of putting my sewing and baking skills to good use and make care packages of masks and cookies for the doctors working in the hospital down the street from my house. We're all doing what we can, just keep going and stay positive.  
> Many many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my stupendous beta and very good friends. I hope you enjoyed reading! Have a lovely day.


	23. Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions/description of sexual assault, graphic violence, and physical and emotional abuse. Please take care of your mental health.

Kaera’s stomach practically lurched up into her throat as she dropped through the ground at 100 miles a second. Her hair whipped around her and her skin felt like it was being burned and sliced to ribbons. Pain spread all throughout her body and she wanted to scream but it felt like she had swallowed a tongue of fire.  


The whole time they fell, the stranger had an iron grip on her hand, spreading pain and aches all throughout her fingers and wrist. Their face remained unchanged. Slowly, their ratty and worn clothes were burned away to reveal a fine black suit with a red sash and an ornate silver clasp at the neckline. Their skin became flecked with sores and boils. In one swift motion, they opened their mouth and a raging swarm of flies emerged, surrounding their head in a buzzing cloud. Kaera’s eyes widened.  


The ground continued to whip and roar around them and Kaera wasn’t sure how long they were falling, the only thing that registered in her mind was the unspeakable fear and horrible pain caused by the sound of the world screaming around her.  


Finally, the ground melted away around them and Kaera landed on her face, sprawled on a dirty plaster floor.  


“Get up.” The stranger droned.  


Kaera shakily rose to her feet and looked around. A crowd of strange creatures surrounded her, some had animalistic features, like claws and fangs or bloody red eyes, some were covered in boils or scales or bleeding cuts. Standing next to the stranger was a man with black eyes and dirty hair hidden under a large grotesque frog. A cigarette was caught between two rows of filthy teeth. He grinned as he looked at her. It was her attacker from two months prior. Hastur, Duke of Hell.  


“Lord Beelzebub.” He greeted, his low gravely voice held no formality or warmth for his boss, but he _did_ sound surprised. “You’re back early. We weren’t expecting you for another half hour.”  


Beelzebub dusted their blazer, brushing the dirt from their shoulders.  


“Turnz out she waz ztupider than we thought.” They informed, absolutely monotonous. “Fell for it hook, line, and zzzinker.”  


“Excuse me?” Kaera shouted.  


Hastur snapped his fingers, and she dropped to her knees, absolute fear and panic ripping through her body. It was debilitating and she couldn’t breathe, but a scream that sounded like her voice echoed all throughout the crowded room. Just as quickly as it began, Hastur snapped his fingers again, and the fear vanished, leaving her panting and shivering on the floor.  


“Sounds about right.” Hastur croaked.  


Kaera looked at Beelzebub. “You lied to me!” She yelled. “You said I’d be safe here. You said-”  


Beelzebub flashed her a look that sent a much quieter wave of fear through her. This time she didn’t need Hastur to call it. 

“I didn’t say one thing that you didn’t want to hear or that you didn’t think. You’ve had doubtz for monthzz now, I just followed your intuition. If anyone izz to blame for you being here, it izzz you.”  


Kaera stood up again, her legs shaking even worse as she angrily ran her fingers through her hair, “I’m such a fool,” she muttered to herself. “I can’t believe I fell for this.” She looked back towards Hastur and Beelzebub. “I’m not staying here. I’m going-“ She was cut off by a firm kick to the stomach, sending her backwards into a crowd of demons.  


“You will do azz you’re told. Now go and make yourzelf uzeful.” They walked over to her, closing their fist around the top of her dress. “Or there will be consequencezzz. And it will _not_ be pretty.” Their icy tone was even more unsettling than the threat. Kaera could tell that when Beelzebub made a threat, they meant it.  


A demon with their eyes gouged out grabbed hold of her arm and began to drag her down the hall. Hastur walked beside her, grinning a horrible grin.  


“Welcome to Hell.”

* * * * *

It was much hotter than Kaera expected. She figured Hell would be more than a little toasty, but expecting something and experiencing it were two different things.  


Her “job” was doing menial tasks for any demon she came across, which wouldn’t be so bad if “menial” meant the same thing in Hell as it did on earth. One instant, she was stoking the boiler with live dogs, another she was repairing a dirty glass window with her bare hands, her fingers getting absolutely demolished in seconds. The sights were bad enough but the sounds and the smells…good lord the _smells_. All of it was dizzyingly horrible and hearing and watching and smelling everything made her want to vomit and then maybe have a good sob.  


The worst tasks were when she had to inflict punishment on someone else. One afternoon she was forced to flog someone with a whip made out of living snakes, terrible hissing coming from their throats and their fangs dripping with venom. She didn’t mind snakes, so long as they stayed a fair distance away from her, but having their scaly, writhing bodies in her hand was just a much of punishment for her as it was for the poor soul. On top of that, this person had done nothing to her. He must have done something bad to end up in Hell, but what did it matter? Every time the whip came down on his back and he howled in pain as a new mark was added, she felt as if he were just another innocent person and she was the monster causing his torment.  


“Hasn’t he had enough?” She asked, her voice shaking.  


“He’s been sentenced to six thousand lashes a day,” the presiding demon remarked. This had originally been his job but he had roped Kaera into doing it for him. Roped her in. That was an understatement. He’d grabbed her wrist and told her that if she didn’t do it, he’d make her watch as he devoured her heart. “You’ve only given him thirty.”  


“I don’t care.” She protested. “I won’t do anymore, I won’t make him go through more pain than he has to.” The man let out a sigh of relief.  


The demon stood from their chair and stomped over to Kaera, grabbing hold of her wrist again and looking her dead in the eyes. “You don’t want me to get Beelzebub, do you?” He said. “They have a lot of paperwork to deal with and they won’t be happy to be interrupted.” Kaera gulped.  


Whatever caring and friendly demeanor Beelzebub had when Kaera had first encountered them disappeared quickly. Kaera also learned almost immediately that a punishment from Beelzebub was no laughing matter. Her first day in Hell, she’d passed Beelzebub in the hallway and they had held their foot out, causing her to trip. As she was gathering herself, she had mumbled, “Cheeky fuck,” under her breath. Beelzebub heard and turned back around, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her to a public arena, a crowd of demons following being to see what the commotion was about. They had then preceded to summon a fire poker and heat until it was red hot. When it was heated to the point where sparks were coming off it, they stomped back over to Kaera and grabbed her hair, forcing her mouth to open and…well, since then she had learned not to say anything whenever Beelzebub tripped her in the hall after that.  


Kaera shuddered, not wanting to think about what would happen to her if she were sent to Beelzebub again. Her throat still ached at the thought of the hot metal touching her flesh, cutting her and burning her from the inside. Beelzebub had healed her before she could discorporate but they had made it so the pain would stay for days. It still hurt to swallow and as Kaera gulped in fear at the demon’s threat to report her, the pain rose again, making her cough.  


“No,” she answered meekly.  


“That’s what I thought.” The demon answered. “Besides, you’re only doing this man more harm than good by sparing him his lashes.”  


“What kind of sense does that make?” She asked. Her question was met with a harsh slap.  


“Every soul in Hell has to undergo a punishment, you stupid bitch. His is rather mild in comparison to some of the others we have down here.” He grinned, showing off his rotten teeth and spiked tongue. “And showing kindness in any way, shape, or form is against the rules. So if you spare him his lashes, Hell is just going to give him a worse punishment, one that’ll last for the rest of eternity.” He grabbed her face, squeezing her cheeks painfully. “So ask yourself, luv. Is one afternoon of relief _really_ worth a whole eternity of worse suffering?” Kaera looked at the whip in her hand and then back to the man and raised her arm.  


“Please…no…” The man whimpered.  


“I’m sorry,” Kaera cried, wincing as she brought down her arm. "I'm so, so sorry."  


Six thousand. Six thousand times she brought down the whip. Six thousand times the man cried out as the snake’s fangs dug into his back, leaving behind a steaming gash of smoldering infected flesh. His cries only grew louder and more agonized. They sent so much pain and sorrow through her and by the end of it, she was weeping just as hard as he was. When the tears began to pour from her eyes, the demon had slapped her again and told her to knock it off or she'd regret it but she couldn’t help it. She hated every second, every time the man cried out, she wanted with everything in her to make it stop, to bring him some kind of comfort. But that would just make it worse for him, so she kept going. Words couldn't even begin to describe the soul crushing regret and guilt that settled in her heart. 

By the end of it, her shoulder ached and the mans back was in shreds, not a bit of healthy skin left on him. He was hauled away to join the rest of the suffering souls before she could properly apologize. She fell to her hands and knees, panting and shaking with sweat dripping down her face as she heard footsteps behind her. 

"Duke Hastur's office needs to be mopped. Get to it."  


“Please, just let me rest. I need to catch my breath first.” She pleaded. The demon elbowed her in the stomach.  


“I think you misheard me.” He then kicked her in the shin. “Mop. The. Office.” Kaera took the mop and walked silently down the hall, wishing she could just disappear.  


She’d been promised safety and answers but all she was getting was enough mental scarring to last her twelve lifetimes. Of course, she only had herself to blame. If she had just been able to see what an obvious trap Beelzebub had set, she wouldn’t be in this mess. Of course her foolishness had gotten her into trouble again. It was what was to be expected of her. ‘ _Might as well get used to it,_ ’ she thought, ‘ _if I’m going to be stuck here for eternity._ ’ There was no way out of Hell, at least that’s what she had been told. But that didn’t make sense. If there was no way out of Hell, then how did Crowley end up on earth in the first place? How did Hastur and that other demon get to earth to try and kill Crowley? How did Beelzebub leave to come and tempt her? Of course, she couldn’t just ask where the way out was, she’d get the shit kicked out of her for even insinuating that she was thinking of escaping, so she was stuck. She wanted to scream at the stupidity of it all. Her entire life she had been told not to talk to strangers and not to deal with demons. She’d done both and just look at where she’d ended up.  


She yelped as a piece of glass imbedded itself in her foot. Walking barefoot in Hell was the worst of bad ideas. But someone had stolen her socks when she had taken a brief lie down her first day and nobody else was going to give her any footwear so what choice did she have?

As she paused to remove the glass, one of the passing demons stopped to spit on her. She wanted so badly to retaliate against all the demons who had hurt her and make them sorry, but she was technically under their jurisdiction and harming an overseer would land her a punishment far worse than being whipped by snakes.  


Kaera was a bit of an anomaly in Hell. Since she was part demon, she was entitled to a small bit of respect and was excused from any kind of formal punishment. But since she was also part angel, she was also entitled to any kind of harassment or mistreatment any passing demon could think up. Being spat on was one of the milder ones.  


She shuddered, thinking of all the cold hands that had touched her, pinned her against the wall and ran their fingers down her arms, her face, her neck. The touches were always rough, and hungry, almost desperate, and their eyes…she had made the mistake of looking one of them in the eyes as he touched her. The look of desperation and lust, the want for power over something weaker would give her nightmares for the rest of time. Her body wouldn’t stop shivering but she had to pretend that she wasn’t bothered. If she gave them a reaction, that meant that they knew they were getting to her, that they had power over her. Not reacting meant that they had no power, they were wasting their time with her. Sometimes it worked...sometimes it didn’t.  


She snapped out of her thoughts, pushing them to the back of her mind as she wiped the spit from her face and a few stray tears from her eyes. She needed to keep moving and focus on surviving. Besides, she had a job to do. Mopping any of the floors in Hell was pointless but she had to do something while she was down there. Nobody really knew what Beelzebub’s plan for Kaera was, least of all Kaera herself, so she was stuck doing either pointless, painful, or emotionally taxing tasks to occupy her time.  


As she reached Hastur’s office, he was on his way out.  


“I want the floor spotless by the time I get back.” He barked.  


“Where are _you_ going?” She asked. Once again, she was rewarded with a smack in the face.  


“None of your concern.” Hastur snapped. "That attitude better be gone by the time I get back as well or the two of us will be visiting Beelzebub's when I return." Kaera tried to keep a brave face but couldn't stop the shudder from coming over her. He grinned, satisfied with himself as he continued on his way. Kaera rubbed her cheek, trying to soothe the pain away and steady her rapid heartbeat as she walked into the office.  


It. Was. Disgusting.  


There was mud all over the floor and the walls, and papers covered in mold and mildew were piled high on the desk, which was crawling with maggots. The ceiling was covered in stains from burst pipes and dirty water and what looked like blood mixed with tar dripped down. All of Hell was disgusting but Hastur’s office took the mold covered cake.  


She made her way around the office, tallying up what she had to do (and trying not to be sick) when one of the papers on the desk caught her eye. It was Hastur’s assignment for the day, trying to tempt a young man in college towards lust (apparently this young man would one day become a priest if he wasn’t corrupted at a vulnerable age) with strict instructions not to phone it in this time. He had to go directly to the surface. The surface? As in leaving Hell? Going back to earth? He was going up, so if she followed him, she’d find the exit!  


She dropped the mop and ran after Hastur, luckily he hadn’t gotten far. She had to make sure she stayed back far enough that he wouldn’t see her but close enough that she wouldn’t lose him in the sea of wandering demons and souls. He wandered down the main corridor but somewhere along the way, he took a left into a much less populated area and she ducked out of the crowd after him.  


The hallway was full of twists and false exists and it was all Kaera could do not to get lost. At one point, Hastur sensed someone was following him and he whirled around. Kaera had barely enough time to duck into one of the branching halls before he could see her. Her heart was pounding furiously and she had to cover her mouth to keep her frantic breathing from giving her away. Eventually, he turned back around and continued on his way. Finally, he turned into another left facing hallway and stopped. Kaera pressed herself against the wall around the corner so he wouldn’t see her.  
There was silence for a few minutes, with the exceptions from a few “Hmm,”s from Hastur before the sound of a button being pressed and a faint _ding_. 

Kaera peeked out just in time to see Hastur walking into one of at least thirteen elevators. The door closed behind him and the elevator began to ascend, leaving Kaera by herself in the hall.  


That was it! That was how she’d get out of Hell! She was going to escape! She was going home!  


Home…she had no home on the surface. Her life with Aziraphale and Crowley was ruined and she had no one else to turn to. She was nervous and regretful for a moment, but only a moment. Anything, literally _anything_ , on earth was better than Hell.  


She was about to step over to one of the elevators when her pendant began emitting a strange warmth that sent anxiety all through her. This was the first time it had done anything since arriving in Hell and she felt it was some kind of warning.  


Before she could ponder what it meant, someone behind her had grabbed hold of her hair, yanking her to her feet. Behind her were two demons, the first was a horrid being with green eyes and lacerations with black…something pouring from them.  


“Well, well, well, wellwellwellwellwellwellwell.” The demon hissed at her. “What’s all this now?” He gripped her hair even tighter, pulling it slightly and shaking a groan out of her throat.  


The other, a creature with bloodshot eyes and claws and fangs like a rabid wolf, grabbed hold of her wrist, the claws sinking into her skin. “Shirking responsibility, sneaking around Hell, spying on Duke Hastur…someone’s been a very naughty girl.”  


“Wait!” Kaera protested. “This isn’t what it looks like!”  


“Looks to me like an escape attempt.” The first demon sneered.  


“But we should ask Lord Beelzebub what they think, just in case we’re wrong.” The second demon purred, running a claw down Kaera’s face. Her skin went cold.  


"No. No please no! I promise I won't do it again! Do anything you want with me, just don't tell Beelzebub, please!"  


The first demon looked at her as she pleaded with them and smiled, licking his lips. “Ooh, splendid idea!” The first demon answered. The two dragged Kaera down the hall, away from the elevators and her only chance at escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 30th anniversary Good Omens!!! Thank you to Sir Terry Pratchett (you are so very missed) and Neil Gaimen for giving us this wonderful story to write dark fanfic about. Also if you guys haven't seen the Good Omens Lockdown video, you totally should, it's just delightful.  
> Thank you all for reading this chapter, Kaera seems to have found herself in a spot of trouble, hasn't she? The comments and kudos are so much appreciated and I'm so glad people are enjoying this story. So many thanks and good thoughts for TakeItEezy for being my beta and my best friend. Their work is amazing, for check it out. Please continue to stay safe and healthy everyone! Thank you ever so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	24. The Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Physical Abuse

The two demons led Kaera to Beelzebub’s office, her legs shaking as they dragged her along the filthy hall, mocking her the entire way. 

“Oh goodness, they won’t be happy when they hear how poorly you’ve been performing.” One of the demons said. Kaera struggled, groaning as the wolf eyed demon tightened its grip on her arm.

“What's all this now? Are you not happy in Hell?” the other demon teased.

Kaera twisted her arm every which way trying to pry it from their claws. “Understatement of the bloody century.” She snapped. As terrified as she was of Beelzebub and, to a lesser extent Hastur and a handful of the other demons, most of the other demons didn't frighten her too badly, especially these two clowns. They tried far too hard to be intimidating. She could see it all over them, they wanted to be, but they were also trying to force it. It didn’t come naturally to them like it did with many of the other demons, which of course made it harder for Kaera to be afraid of them. 

With demons like Hastur or Beelzebub, they didn't have to pretend. Unlike most of the other demons in Hell, they didn't show how much they loved causing pain and misery, they showed with their every action that they _were_ pain and misery. They knew that they were cruel and horrible and they loved every second of it. Anyone who crossed them, disobeyed them, or disappointed them would know very quickly how badly they'd messed up. And they would certainly know not to make that mistake ever again. Those were the kinds of demons that Kaera was absolutely terrified of, though she could still keep up the pretense that she was brave around them...well, all except Beelzebub.

The demon that had a hold of her hair gave it a mighty yank, causing her to yelp.

“You should be having the time of your life.” The demon scolded.

“Yes, hurting people who have done nothing to me and being harassed and abused. I’m over the fucking moon.” She growled.

The wolf-eyed demon ran a claw down her face again. “But it’s such fun. And it’s part of who you are, it’s in your blood.” For emphasis, they lifted their other hand, which was still gripping her wrist. The claws had dug into her skin and scarlet blood trickled down her arm. That made four marks now, the ones from four months ago still had yet to fade.

“I'm not like you. I don’t want to inflict pain, especially like the punishments I’ve been forced to give. You're all sick!” She protested. 

“Aww,” the green eyed demon said patronizingly. “You don’t like hurting people?” He yanked her hair again. “That’s too bloody bad.” 

They were nearing the office, it couldn’t have been more than fifteen feet away. Shit shit shit. She needed to get away now! Maybe she still had time to run to the elevators.

She tried to yank her arm free again and tried running away, using all her strength to try and pull away from them. The wolf eyed demon grinned wickedly.

“We can’t have that.” With one hand still gripping her wrist, her grabbed hold of her around her middle and picked her up off the floor, her legs dangling uselessly. “You need to be taught a lesson about respecting your superiors, and I’m sure that’s a lesson Lord Beelzebub would be happy to give you.” Kaera writhed in the demon’s grip but a well-placed flex caused him to squeeze almost all the air out of her, causing a choked gasp to escape from her throat.

“Here we are!” The green eyed demon announced gleefully. The wolf eyed demon practically threw her inside. It was a miracle she didn’t fall over, she didn’t need any further embarrassment.

Beelzebub sat at their desk, their icy blue eyes looking at the three curiously. From behind their papers, Kaera could see the sneer across their lips. They were not happy, and Kaera was now at their mercy. A chill ran through her body and she could feel herself going stiff.

“Look who we caught eyeing the elevators and playing hooky from work,” the wolf-eyed demon chided. “Oh and you would not believe the disrespect she gave us on the way here, struggling to get away, talking back, just being a general nuisance.”

Beelzebub looked up from their mountain of paperwork, a look of utter irritation on their face. “Really now?” They said, rising from their chair. Kaera tensed. They looked inquisitively at her, looking her up and down. Seemingly at random, they raised their hand in warning. Kaera flinched and they glared at her warily as they lowered their hand. Their look of irritation quickly morphed into a very intimidating glare, which they turned on the two demons.

“That’ll be all. Wait outside.” 

The green-eyed demon’s face twisted into a pout. “Aw, but we wanted to watch-”

“I said wait outside!” They shouted as they flicked their hand. The two demons were blown off their feet as if by an invisible wind and tossed out into the hallway, the door slamming closed behind them, leaving Kaera alone with the Demon Prince.

Beelzebub began pacing the floor, walking in a circle around Kaera. The only sound in the room coming from their footsteps, their heavy shoes sending loud thuds all over the office. They watched her the whole time, looking her up and down. Even when they were behind her, she could feel their eyes burning into her back. Their gaze was scrutinizing, watching every tiny movement she made, from the swelling of her throat with every breath to the flutter of her eyelids with every blink. Every tiny movement was one of Beelzebub’s spies, ready to betray her at any moment.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Her heart began to pound against her ribcage, the heavy tightness impossible to ignore and for all her diligence, a quiver broke through her body.

Thud. Thud. Thud. 

The beats from the footsteps fell in time with her own rapidly beating heart as they continued to inspect her. It all made her feel like a specimen under a microscope and she suddenly wished she had something more to cover herself than a simple t-shirt dress.

“Kaera, Kaera, Kaera…” Beelzebub finally said after two full minutes of silence. “Such a troublemaker, and not in the good way. One might almost think that you’re not happy in Hell.”

Beelzebub brought their foot up, hooking it onto Kaera’s ankle and sending her crashing to the floor. They continued to casually pace as if nothing had happened.

“You haven’t been taking to your dutiezzz very well.” They droned, rubbing their chin. “You told me when we met that you didn’t want to hurt anyone. I wazz hoping you’d be compelled to change that once you were brought to Hell.”

Kaera stood up, brushing the dirt form the front of her dress. She didn’t even have time to breathe before Beelzebub’s hand was gripping her face, a grin across their face. “You don’t want to do that, do you? Hurt people I mean. Answer me honestly, now.” Kaera didn’t respond at first. This was a trap. She knew it was a trap, either way she answered, it wouldn’t turn out well for her. Beelzebub tightened their grip, squeezing her face painfully. “I said answer me!” Her reflex took over and she began rapidly shaking her head before she could register it. Beelzebub’s fist landed harshly on her stomach, causing her to keel over, her knees buckling. “You do not have a choice.” They said darkly. “Thizz iz what you were alwayz meant to do.”

Kaera stood up, gently massaging where she’d been punched and shivering horribly.

“I could overlook the blatant disrespect to your fellow demonz, I could even pozzibly forgive shirking rezponzibility, and you should count yourzelf very lucky if I did. I am not the forgiving type. But planning an escape? Really? I thought you were smarter than that.” They slapped her. Hard. “And where will you go even if you do manage to escape?” They muttered with a grin. Kaera bit her lip. “Back to Aziraphale and Crowley?” They scoffed. In truth, Kaera _had_ been thinking about seeing them, perhaps trying to apologize. She knew that they wouldn’t accept her back, but trying to explain herself was a good place to start. “You think they want you? You think they _love_ you?” They muttered the word like it was a curse. “They don’t want anything to do with you. You are a diseazzze to them, a freak. I’m sure they were relieved when you left.” 

She whimpered slightly, looking at the floor. She didn’t want to believe it. She shouldn’t believe it. But she was a freak of nature, a mistake. This very thought had been repeating itself in her mind for years. Of course Crowley and Aziraphale wouldn't want anything to do with them. She was a disgusting mix of two beings who were never supposed to procreate and now the two of them were left to suffer her existence. They may have claimed that they did care for her, but perhaps they had been lying. Why would they want her around? Her fists clenched themselves in frustration and self-loathing. 

Beelzebub took note of the gesture, mistaking it for one of aggression or rebellion. Another slap came, this one even sharper and more painful than the first.

“You don’t believe me?” They roared. “Well I’ll show you how much value you truly have.” They clapped their hands together and when they pulled them apart, a small, thick cloud appeared. It was chalky and dark gray like it had been made from the vapor of a cigarette. At first there was nothing but smoke but slowly the cloud congealed and solidified, revealing a long, thin face, a head of curly red hair, and golden eyes full of anxiety.

“Crowley?” Kaera gasped. He didn’t look like how he did when she left him, his hair was slightly longer and he was wearing a red button up shirt, not his usual choice of fashion. This was the past, a memory.

“This is the demon Crowley. Am I through to Hell?” His voice sounded distant and thick, like she was listening to him through a telephone.

Another voice sounded from someone she couldn’t see.

“You’ve got Hastur on the line. What d’you want, Crowley?”

Crowley made a face like he’d swallowed something foul, but he also looked like he was hiding something. Disappointment? Guilt? Fear?

“Just a brief report. A little birdy told me something very interesting about the demon Azazel.” Her pendant grew warmer and a very strange sense of deja vu came over her. She was sure she’d never heard that name before, but it still felt natural to hear it, like she was hearing her own name. The familiarity of it came as naturally to her as breath or thought. “They’ve been a very naughty demon, very bad indeed.”

“What did they do?” A third voice that she’d never heard before sounded.

“They’ve…” Crowley swallowed and looked like he was going to be sick. “They’ve fallen in love.”

“What?!” Hastur roared. 

“That’s not even the worst of it. They’ve fallen in love with an angel. The principality Haniel.” 

A very tense silence followed and Crowley dropped his eyes, as if he could tell that Kaera was staring at him, looking at him with utter rage. That hypocrite! How could he? He’d been in love with Aziraphale since the beginning and he’d sold out another demon for doing the same thing? And here she thought he could be trusted. She was so foolish to think that he was different from other demons.

“That stuck up goody-two-shoes?” Hastur scoffed. 

Kaera’s pendant glowed indignantly. This name she recognized as the name of the angel Aziraphale told her had been destroyed via hellfire. But it wasn’t just that. The eerie sense of deja vu fell over her again as she heard the name, the warmth from her pendant sending comfort but also familiarity to her, as if she was receiving a hug from a friend or parent…wait…parent. 

Something clicked in Kaera’s mind and everything else fell into place. It was the reason that the strange but very strong feeling broke out in her chest the first time they had heard Haniel’s name all those months ago and it was the reason that same feeling came over her now. That feeling was familiarity, closeness, comfort. The kind of feeling someone gets when they are around someone who loves them. The way a parent loves their child.

They were her parents. Haniel and Azazel were her parents. It was ludicrous to think about, but even though it made absolutely no sense, that small bell rang in the back of her head, distant and faint, but still there. She wasn’t sure how she was so certain, but it was one of those things that you’re not meant to understand. She didn’t know how or why she knew, but she still knew. They were her parents…and Crowley had reported them.

Hastur in the memory spoke up, addressing someone else and breaking Kaera out of her thoughts. “Go fetch the demon Azazel. We have quite a bit to discuss with them.” 

“How did you even find this out, Crowley?” The other voice said, suspicion lacing their tone.

Crowley went pale, shrugging and trying to appear collected. “Azazel told me themself.” He said. “They thought…they thought they could trust me.”

“That was a stupid move.” Hastur grunted.

Crowley made a face. “Yeah…stupid.” He cleared his throat. The last thing Kaera saw before the cloud of memory disappeared was Crowley looking over his shoulder.

Kaera felt cold. The kind of cold you feel when you’ve just stumbled upon something in a book that you shouldn’t be reading and you learn far more than you were meant to know, the kind of feeling you get when you know nothing is ever going to be the same for you again. It was sickening and numbing all at the same time. All the swirling thoughts in her head made it too hard to think, too hard to breathe, prickles breaking out over her skin. There was no loner any feeling in her chest. She was completely numb.

“You thought they loved you?” Beelzebub said. Their cold hand settled under her chin, lifting her face to look at them “You thought they cared? You thought they would protect you? Help you understand who you are?” She dropped her eyes to the floor again, the answer was obvious. She was such a fool. “You thought wrong!” Beelzebub growled, bringing her face closer to theirs. She could see the rage and disgust in their eyes. “You think Crowley carez for you? It’s becauzze of him that your parentz were deztroyed! He never cared! If he knew where you were when you were a baby he probably would have zold you out too! He’z the worst kind of demon, one who acts like he’z better than all of uz when deep down he’z just as much a despicable piece of shit az I am. And Aziraphale? That ztupid angel wouldn’t know really love if it bit him on the arse! Angel’z are so obsezzed with perfection that any flaw they find leadz to rejection! He may act like he’z different but he’z just az bad az any other angel in Heaven! He’z just az self-righteous az they are and he thinkz exactly az they do! He thinkz you’re trash! You were never loved and will never be loved! You belong to Hell now! You are our tool, our great weapon. It izz the only reason you were even spawned and you will be used to bring glory to our name!”

If she wasn’t scared stiff, she would have made them regret insulting her friends…insulting Aziraphale at least. Thinking of Crowley…the wound was still too fresh to leave anything aside from the feeling of horrid numbness. Either way, she would have made them sorry for every horrible thing they said about him. She would have shouted that she wanted no part in any plans Hell had for her. But that was what she would have done if she wasn’t afraid. If she actually had any ounce of courage or strength inside of her. But the sad truth of the matter was that that just wasn’t her. She was weak, and a coward. She couldn’t speak up against Beelzebub even if she tried. All she managed was a painfully meek tone saying, “No…please no…”

“You do not get a choice!” Beelzebub bellowed. Their eyes glowed an infuriated blue and more flies began to fill the room. Kaera’s knees threatened to buckle as a feeling of immense heat and weakness passed over her and she was suddenly very, very tired. A dull ache settled in her throat and a churning sensation broke in her stomach, threatening to make her vomit all over the office. A horribly dry cough forced its way up her throat and Beelzebub watched as she hacked, struggling for breath. “By the time we’re finished with you, whatever little humanity you had will be gone. You won’t have a consciousnezz, you won’t have any thoughtz or desirezzz aside from what we will give you, you will have no sympathy, no heart. You will be fully ourzz and you will enjoy every bit of it!”

The wind roared around her and the sound of a horrible buzzing filled her ears as the dense cloud of flies grew thicker and thicker. She felt her heart pounding faster than it ever should have as Beelzebub stared down at her, the most intense rage smacked across their face. She gulped and took a breath before murmuring, “Yes, Lord Beelzebub.”

They raised their hand and Kaera flinched and squeezed her eyes shut, expecting another slap but instead, they simply laid their cold hand across her cheek, almost like a gesture of affection, but Kaera knew better. There was no warmth in the touch, it was a gesture of power, of ownership. It was Beelzebub’s way of saying, “You are mine and I’m going to do with you as I please.” It frightened Kaera more than when they were yelling.

“Now there’z a good girl.” They crooned. “Go and make yourself uzzeful and bring the hellhounds back to their cages and I shall overlook your indignity.”

Kaera nodded and silently walked out of their office, her head lowered and her eyes trailing along the floor, hoping that Beelzebub wouldn’t be able to read her true intentions. She had made up her mind and nothing would change it.

Before the end of the day, she would be leaving Hell. She just needed the right opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo guess who's writing fan fiction instead of doing her homework? This gal. It's finals this week...help! I should count myself lucky though. Instead of a bunch of tests, since I'm mostly taking arts and English classes, I just have to do a bunch of essays and final projects, which I'll take over tests any day.  
> So how it life going for you all? Leave a comment, let's have a conversation. I hope you all continue to stay safe and healthy.  
> All the thanks in the world to TakeItEezy for being my beta, it's because of them that I was really able to improve this work. Go give them lots of love they really deserve it. Thank you ever so much for reading, have a lovely day.


	25. Diversion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: referenced sexual assault

Kaera walked out of Beelzebub’s office, her head spinning, her body weak, and her heart pounding.

“Looks like _you_ had a fun time,” The wolf eyed demon chided her, eyeing the pink marks on her cheeks. She rolled her eyes, ignoring them. 

Once again, a claw wrapped around her wrist in the same place as before, the pressure on the marks sent pain all up her arm. “Listen here, I don’t like being disrespected, so if you roll your eyes at me one more time, I’ll rip them right out of your head.” Kaera gulped. She knew the demon was bluffing, but still she didn’t want to push him any further. Best to play submissive and make him think he had the upper hand.

“Yes. Of Course. My Apologies.” She said, biting back the pained groan.

“My apologies…?”

Kaera had to force back an exasperated sigh. “My apologies, _sir_.”

“That’s better.” The demon grinned and let go of her hand and she turned to walk back down the hall, her mind still struggling to come up with a decent plan. After her latest stunt, she’d be watched carefully, so she needed to get out before someone was assigned to supervise her. That didn’t leave her a very wide window. It was today or never.

But she couldn’t just slip away without someone noticing. She needed a good diversion. Maybe she could flood one of the lower levels? No, no one cared enough about the lower levels to notice immediately. Maybe she could release the hellhounds into the main entrance? Only if she wanted to get torn to shreds in the process. Perhaps if she-

“Psst!” A whisper brought her out of her thoughts. She looked around at the sea of other demons and souls to see if anyone was watching her and saw no eyes on her. But she could feel them, that couldn’t have been right. 

“Psst!” She heard it again. A flash of movement caught her eye near a much less populated hallway. It was dark and crowded with old boxes and supplies. This was a bad idea, no way was she going near that, there was most certainly a demon just waiting to grab her and try to hurt or…she shuddered as she walked in the other direction. A sudden warmth bloomed in her chest, coming from her pendant. It sent a feeling of safety through her, making her feel like things would be okay. 

Kaera glanced back towards the hallway. 

“Really?” She muttered. Another wave of warmth washed over her, an unspoken answer to her question. “Okay. I’ll trust you, but I still think this is a really stupid idea.” 

Normally, she would have ignored it altogether but she was already in Hell doomed to be some kind of great weapon and they’d already put her through tons of physical and mental torment. What more could they do to her? 

Slowly, she walked over to the hallway and ducked into the shadows. Crouching next to a stack of boxes was a man, the same soul she was forced to whip earlier. She may not have seen much of his face, but she would remember the terrified flash in his eyes for a very long time. Now that she could see him properly, she could see that he was around fifty and under his soft brown eyes, she could see he was thoroughly exhausted.

“You!” She gasped. Guilt flooded through her heart. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t want to do it but they would have done something worse, and I didn’t want to get in trouble, but still that doesn’t excuse-”

“Shush! Calm down!” The man hissed, holding up a wrinkled hand. Kaera could feel herself going pale. If anyone else in Hell had heard her saying something like that, she’d likely be skinned. “It’s alright. I know it wasn’t your choice. And I don’t blame you for doing it.” 

Absentmindedly, a hand went to his shoulder, rubbing one of the spots where one of the snakes had bit down. Kaera wondered if he was used to the pain by now or if Hell made it so it would worsen with every whipping. Either option made her sick to her stomach. 

The man took note of her saddened expression and set a comforting hand on her shoulder and a warm smile crept out from beneath his curly gray beard. It reminded her of Aziraphale, which only made her chest ache from how much she missed him. 

“What’s your name, lass?”

“Kaera,” she answered, offering him her hand.

“George.” The man shook her hand as heartily as he could manage, though there was a slight cringe to his face as he moved his shoulder. “George Cunningham. Jr.” The kind greeting was like the first breath of warmth in the cold winter air.

“Is there something you-” her question was cut short by a violent cough ripping through her throat. Her hand instinctively went to her mouth as she hacked and gasped for breath. Her body shivered, a slight weakness settling in her bones, the sicknesses Beelzebub had inflicted on her in their office must have still been affecting her.

The sound of ripping cloth reached her ears and when she looked up, George was tearing off the sleeve of his torn shirt. When the coughs died down, he held it out to her. It was a poor excuse for a handkerchief, but the kind gesture still warmed her to the center of her heart. She brought her hand away from her mouth to reach for the sleeve and felt a trickle against her lips. George went pale. Her palm was covered in blood. She took the handkerchief from George and began silently wiping the blood away. A hand rested against her forehead and she jerked away, fearing a strike or unwanted sexual touch. George held up his hand. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said.

“’s alright,” she muttered. “Just wasn’t expecting it.” She nodded at him and he set his hand against her forehead again. 

“You’re burning up, lass.” He said sadly.

Kaera sighed. “A little gift from Beelzebub.” She growled. “My reward for being disobedient.”

A look of remorse washed through George’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to get you in trouble-”

“It was a long list of things that got me sent to their office, don’t worry yourself about it. I’m kind of bad at doing what I’m told.” She said as she wiped the rest of the blood from her lips, smiling faintly.

George chuckled, but there was almost a bitterness to it. “That makes two of us.”

Kaera looked at him, her eyes scanning every bit of him carefully. “What is it you called me over here for?”

“I’ll get right to it.” George said, his voice was sharp and determined. “You don’t belong in Hell. You and I both know it. For one thing, you’re still alive, and even though you may be part demon,” good grief, word spread fast in Hell, “you’re nothing like these other bastards. You’re kind and strong, and nobody like that deserves to be down here.” 

She hung her head. This poor fool. She wasn’t kind and she certainly wasn’t strong. She just did what she could to survive but that often included turning her back on others just to save her own skin. If anyone was kind and strong, it was him. What was he even doing in Hell? He didn’t seem like the type. 

“I won’t stand for someone being down here who doesn’t deserve it. So I want to help you escape. You know where the exit is, right?” She nodded. “Good. I have an idea to help you get out but you’ll need to do exactly as I say if you want to make it out safely, do you understand?” She eyed him suspiciously. That part of the deal was a little harder to swallow. What was he about to suggest that she might not want to do? Still, she had no escape plans of her own, so she nodded again, though much less enthusiastically this time. “Good. Here’s the plan, I’ll make a diversion while you slip out. I’ll be sure to do something that keeps their attention but I can’t guarantee you more than five minutes, so be quick and be quiet. And one last thing. I’ve heard tell that the elevators won’t take you all the way to the top unless you leave with permission, so you’ll have to go the rest of the way on foot. Whatever you do, just keep moving and don’t. Look. Back.” The urgency in his voice confused her. He sounded like he was making an escape plan for the both of him and her cooperation was needed for both of their safety’s, rather than hers alone. Why did he even care what happened to her? He was just a soul that she’d never met and yet he was risking everything just to help her? There had to be a catch.

“What are _you_ getting out of this?” She asked warily.

George sighed sadly. “I don’t blame you for not trusting me, lass. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t trust me either, not that I really trust myself now. This place doesn’t exactly have a reputation of trustworthy folk.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” She said, trying to sound at least a little fearsome, but it only came out as a pathetic groan. 

George shrugged. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life I’m not proud of. It’s the whole reason I’m down here. But it’s also given me a lot of time to think. If there’s one thing this place is good for, it’s making jackasses like me think about the bigger and more important things. Though it can get hard to think between lashes.” His attempt at using humor as a shield concerned Kaera, but it wasn’t like she’d never seen that before. Heck, she’d done the same many times. “I may not be alive anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to change, even if it is too late. Call this a way to finally let myself rest.” Kaera softened a bit, but was still confused. This was the first person in Hell she’d met that really wanted to do something good. “There is one favor I wish to ask of you once you get back to the surface.” And just like that, the reassurance Kaera felt was banished in seconds.

‘ _I knew it!_ ’ She thought. ‘ _He_ _does have an ulterior motive. I knew this was too good to be true._ ’

“What is it?” She said narrowing her eyes. What would it be, vengeance on an old enemy? Collecting debts from former business partners?

“I want you to find my son, Nathan,” Kaera had to stop herself from letting out a gasp. She had expected something much worse. Maybe she needed to soften herself a little more. “Please find him and tell him I’m sorry for everything I did, that I wish him every happiness and…” he paused, taking a breath, “tell him that I miss him and...and that I love him.” He sighed heavily. "Took me a while, but I finally said it." He wasn't talking to her.

It was all Kaera could do not to get misty eyed. This poor man. It was obvious how much pain he was in and how much regret he carried with him. Regret like that probably hurt worse than every lashing he'd ever gotten. A new determination rose in her, something she’d never felt before. She made a silent vow to herself that if there was something she could do to ease that pain, she would do it. 

“I will.” She said, nodding furiously. “I’ll find him, I promise.”

George put a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you.” He stood up. “Well, we should get going. Give the demons down here a good show.” A chilling thought passed through Kaera’s mind as she thought of how angry the demons would be at his disobedience. 

“Wait!” She called. George looked back at her and knelt back behind the stack of boxes. “Won’t you get in really big trouble for this? What if they give you an even worse punishment?”

A nervous look passed over George’s face but he still did his best to look brave. “I guess.” Despite his efforts, Kaera still saw a shudder pass over him.

“You don’t have to-“

“I’m done being a coward.” He said boldly. The sudden sharpness in his voice caused her to flinch, though she didn’t mean to. He looked back at her, his face gentle, an unspoken apology for frightening her again. She took his hand.

“I have friends on the surface. One of them is an angel. Maybe I can put in a good word and get you out of here-“

George held up his hand. “I’ve lived my life and I’ve made my choices and this is what I get for it. I can’t change that.”

“But-“

George still held up his hand. “This way, I can at least say I did something right.”

Kaera put a hand to her lips, hoping to hide their trembling. Warmth was spreading all through her, partially from her pendant but also from how touched she was at this stranger’s courage and kindness. In Hell of all places.

A few tears trickled from her eyes as a swell of voices came from the hall next to them. More and more people began to clamber down the hall, a meeting or something must have just been adjourned. Whatever the reason, it was a perfect opportunity to slip away. 

The two of them stood up. George smiled weakly. She wished he wouldn’t put himself in danger for her, but there was no changing his mind. 

Wordlessly, she pulled him into a warm embrace, hoping to show him how grateful she was to him and to offer what little comfort she could before they parted, him back to his punishment and her to…whatever was in front of her. “Thank you, George.” She whispered. 

He jolted for a moment, shocked by the gentleness of the hug, but eventually put his arms around her as well. Again the warmth and comfort reminded her of Aziraphale, making her chest ache even more. 

“Keep your chin up lassie.” He patted her on the shoulder and pulled away. “Let’s get this show on the road.” He said, a sad grin on his face. In the dim light, she could see that there was a fierceness in his eyes, a boldness, but it was covering up a layer of utter terror. He was doing what she had done for years, she recognized it well. He was trying to hide how scared he really was under a layer of false confidence. She couldn't tell if he was trying to fool her or himself.

George walked out from the small hallway first and Kaera followed shortly after, following him to the main hallway where most of the foot traffic was. They kept close to the wall, and the entire way, George kept ahold of her hand. She didn’t need it, she wasn’t going to lose him, but it still felt nice to have the reassurance. The irony of it almost made her laugh. Even in Hell, she still could find kindness.

Finally, after several minutes of walking through the crowd, they stopped by the hallway that led to the elevators. Kaera’s heartbeat began to accelerate. George glanced back at her, flashing her a wink before disappearing into the crowd. A nervous jolt went through her as she watched him fade into the sea of bobbing heads but just as quickly as he left, he reappeared, standing on a table.

“Oi! All you lot listen up!” He barked. The demons and souls all turned to face him. Kaera began to slowly make her way towards the hall, just creeping past the entrance, keeping her eyes on George. A few murmurs rippled through the crowd, wondering what a damned soul was doing demanding attention. But aside from those few whispers, there was no sound. The quiet only made Kaera more anxious. She couldn’t move now, someone would hear her footsteps.

As she watched George, his face went through a number of expressions, doubt, fear, worry, but eventually, settled on peace as he took a breath and folded his hands. 

“ _Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy-_ ” 

That was all Kaera heard before agonizing screams echoed around the hall. Demons all over were either gripping their heads or clutching their chests and crying out in pain. Despite the noise, George still recited the prayer, not taking his eyes off his folded hands. Some of the other souls began to recite it as well, which only doubled the cries of agony. 

One of the demons, a much lesser ranking one, let out a mighty shout and, despite the pain, grabbed hold of George, trying to force him to stop but he kept going, his voice getting louder to be heard over the shouts.

For lack of a better term, all hell broke loose. Demons began grabbing souls and beating them mercilessly. George locked eyes with Kaera and mouthed one word. “Go.” The last thing she saw before ducking into the hallway was a demon sinking their claws into George’s stomach.

The left hallway was completely empty and a stark contrast to the chaos of the main hall, but she could still hear the shouts and cries echoing around her. It surrounded her as she ran, reminding her what her selfishness had brought. 

Oh God. Oh God. _Oh God_. 

The cries only seemed to grow louder the further she ran.

A voice that sounded like Hastur pierced through the noise, vibrating off the walls and burrowing deep into her soul. “You’ll pay for this! You’ll all pay for this!”

Kaera winced and shivered, despite the heat, but still forced herself to keep running. She managed for forgo all the false exits and soon came to the wall of thirteen elevators. The noise still sounded around her, causing her hands to shake as she pressed down on a button that had the word “London” painted on it. In an instant, the third elevator opened and Kaera bolted inside. As the door closed, she heard a loud scream echo down the hall, louder than Hastur, louder than any of the cries of agony she had heard and it made her bones vibrate, piercing her to her core. It was the sound that can only be made by someone who is in so much immense pain and knows they will never get relief. It’s constant, prolonged, and makes you wish for death, for a release that will never come. 

The voice screaming was George’s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Sorry for not posting on Friday, I had finals and essays to take care of, but now I'm finally free for summer break! Except for the fact that I need to focus on writing a proposal for my senior project...and quarantine means I can't really go anywhere. Oh well, at least I have more time to write and craft now! I've been crocheting a shawl with the colors of the Irish flag (I don't live in Ireland but my family is from there) and it's coming along nicely. What have you all been up to? Leave a comment, hearing from you guys makes me so happy.  
> Many many thanks and all my love to TakeItEezy for being my beta and good friend. Thank you all for reading, stay safe and healthy. Have a lovely day!


	26. Crawling Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to TakeItEezy for writing the majority of this chapter. I'm not very good at writing disturbing things, so your help was so very appreciated.  
> Second, this chapter is very disturbing, so here is a trigger warning for anyone who might need it: mentions and depictions of physical and psychological abuse, vomiting, grievous bodily harm involving biting, burning, stabbing, and disemboweling, references of suicide, and depiction of sexual assault (for these last two in particular, I'm going to separate them by asterisks* so if you do not wish to read those parts, simply stop reading when you reach the first asterisk and skip ahead until you see the next one). Please take care of your mental health.

The doors closed and the elevator slowly began to rise. Kaera’s heart was beating quickly and her breathing was heavy and labored. The fever was making it hard to breathe and the fear wasn’t helping. The scream that George let out was so horrible it was almost inhuman. It would haunt for the rest of her existence and the pain and guilt she felt for causing his misery would never leave. Never.

No, she would mourn later. For the present, she needed to focus on calming down. She would need to have a clear head in order to face whatever was coming. Letting her back settle against the cold metal wall, she slowly slid down until she was sitting on the floor and finally let the tears escape, she couldn't hold it in anymore, she didn't have the strength. George told her to keep moving forward. Well, just because she’d move forward didn’t mean she couldn’t shed a few tears along the way.

That was the first time she was aware of that someone willingly put their neck on the line for her. Someone had willingly walked headfirst into pain and torment for her sake without hesitation.

She set her hand over her pendant, the warmth spreading through her fingertips. The guilt she felt was immeasurable, but wasting her time blaming herself was an insult to George and the sacrifice he made. He had told her that he didn’t want any kind of reward or good word, but that wouldn’t stop her from trying. 

Kaera took a breath, folded her hands together, and for the first time in her life, willingly prayed. It was just a quick prayer, but she put her entire heart and soul behind the plea she made. Asking that George and the other souls that helped make her escape possible be granted just a little bit of relief and that she be granted the strength to face what was in front of her.

A different kind of warmth spread through her but it wasn’t from her pendant. It filled her to the brim and sent peace through her and, for a moment, she felt like there was someone watching her. This time, it was different, there was no malice in the feeling. Someone was watching her to make sure she was safe. She could feel it in the air all around her. Somehow, deep inside her, she felt her prayer was heard.

She felt a small bit better but as soon as she dropped her hands, the elevator began to slow and eventually came to a stop. The warmth faded from her chest and she could no longer feel the presence watching over her. She felt alone. Completely and utterly isolated. With one exception. Something was behind her. She couldn’t tell what it was or how close it was, but she could sense that it was there and that it was something strong, something not to be trifled with.

The doors opened to reveal a long blank room. She couldn’t see the end of it, but for some reason, the sight of it made her shiver uncontrollably, and it had nothing to do with the fever.

' _It isn’t too bad_ ,' she tried to tell herself. ' _Just keep moving forward and don’t look back._ ' Soon. She’d be home soon.

Before she could even take a step, her body lurched like she had been shoved by some invisible hand and she fell forward. Tumbling down into what seemed like an endless abyss. No. No! This wasn’t right she needed to be moving forward not down. What was happening?

She fell further and further into a vast ocean, with disgusting polluted brown water. Memories from elementary swimming class resurfaced, being held underwater by one of her bullies, and panic began to take a hold on her.

Kaera tried to swim upwards, her arms flailing helplessly, but she began to be dragged down by an invisible weight. Despite not needing to breathe, she felt as if she was being choked, suffocating in the filth. Her lungs gave out and the breath she had been holding escaped, sending a cloud of bubbles back up to the surface and out of sight, bringing a choked gasp and a mouthful of water back in. She continued to sink, a tightness forming in her middle and squeezing hard. The water swallowed her and her chest weakened and tightened from lack of air. 

She began to see black spots and specks everywhere she looked. At first she thought it was from a lack of oxygen, but as she watched, the splotches began to move and grow, taking the shapes of what appeared to be human. Slowly, they began to become more detailed and Kaera recognized them as every person who she thought cared about her, watching, separated by a sheet of glass. Lucille and her coworkers looked on with smiles on their faces, the few friends she had made at the orphanage and the administrator were all watching gleefully and laughing, every person she shared a meaningful relationship with had gathered, laughing and having a good time as they watched her drown. At the very front of the crowd were Crowley and Aziraphale, each sipping a glass of wine and grinning as they stared. 

No! How could they? Why wouldn’t they help her?

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the pounding in her ears and the anguish settling in her chest. She was going to die! She was drowning and they were standing around celebrating! What was she supposed to do?

No. This wasn’t right. She was going to get out. This was her battle and she was going to win it. This was a trick. Hell was playing games with her. Well she wouldn’t let them win.

She opened her eyes again and continued to struggle. The squeezing in her stomach tightened, reaching and taking hold. But she continued to struggle until she felt something break in her. The hold was gone and she was free to move. She swam over to the wall, the eyes of her friends and peers widened with shock as she set her hand against glass. It burned her skin as it melted away, the faces and chitters disappearing into the muck.

The water swirled all around her, pulling her into the center of the vortex. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She opened her mouth again to try and suck in a breath, and the water passed her lips and traveled down her throat into her lungs. As soon as the water disappeared, she sunk to her knees and began vomiting, her stomach felt like it was on fire. She managed to choke out a strained, “Oh God!” as the vomiting morphed into coughing, blood mixing in with the sick. 

The heavy presence still loomed behind her, watching intently. She had to keep moving.

Her legs shook as she broke out into a run again, the sickness burning through her and making her incredibly weak, but she continued to run.

The air around her seemed heavy and hot, almost as if she was being swallowed by something. As she ran, the floor began to change. It was no longer smooth. It was jagged and felt as though she were stepping on sharp rocks. She paused and looked down and, to her horror, found that the floor was now an open grate with stacks of coal piled on top of it. A furnace. She was inside an enormous furnace. 

She looked up and saw a small opening in the ceiling but it was too high to reach, no matter how high she jumped.

With a _whoosh_ , the floor began to heat up and she started to panic, clawing and pounding at the walls as the room grew hotter and hotter. An arm appeared above the opening, swinging a small door closed.

“No!” Kaera screamed. “Please help me!” Sweat was dripping down her back and soaking into her clothes as smoke began swirling around the room and filling her lungs. Despite the burning in her eyes, she manage to keep her gaze on the opening. She caught a brief glimpse of a beige coat sleeve and the cuff of a blue dress shirt sticking out from beneath it. Her eyes widened. 

“Aziraphale!” She cried. “Aziraphale please let me out! Please! Aziraphale! Someone help!” The covering slammed closed, leaving her alone as she began to weep.

The coals were growing hotter and hotter until she could smell burning flesh… _her_ burning flesh. She screamed as she hopped from foot to foot until she couldn’t stand anymore. Exhausted, she collapsed the floor, the heat crushing all the air from her lungs. The coals were now glowing red and she felt her dress catch on fire. Her tears turned to steam as they fell from her eyes. 

She wouldn’t give in…she wouldn’t.

She closed her eyes and thought to herself over and over again, ‘ _This isn’t real! This is just another trick! This isn’t real!_ ’ She repeated the saying silently to herself as she focused the last of her strength and energy into standing and pounding her fists into the wall once more. A crack formed, the wall crumbled, the heat dissipated. She continued forward, the skin peeling from the soles of her feet as she ran.

There was no sound with the exception of her bare feet slapping against the floor, the blood and burned skin sending a sickening squish all through the air. Her eyes still burned from the smoke but as they slowly came back into focus, something long and grey came into view. A door! A door had appeared out of the darkness. Her heart beat faster and faster as she ran to it, grabbing hold of the knob with tears of joy in her eyes.

Finally! She was…where was she?  
It looked like the middle of a forest. Large trees covered in vines and bursting flowers surrounded her along with the sound of a distant drizzle. This wasn’t right, she was supposed to have come out in London, not the rainforest. 

The door slammed shut behind her.

She had no idea where she was, she was completely lost. Well, this wasn’t ideal, but at least she was out, and the soft wet grass beneath her feet began to soothe the cuts and burns. That was at least a blessing. The only thing she had to worry about now was finding a way back to England. 

“Okay,” she said out loud to herself. “You can do this.” She took a few tentative steps forward and felt something drop onto her shoulder. Thinking it was just a raindrop, she ignored it and kept moving. Another something dropped onto her arm, this one was much bigger. This time it was harder to ignore and what she saw made her freeze in terror. An enormous, hairy spider was crawling up to her shoulder. 

Despite her effort not to, a loud scream escaped from her as she frantically waved her arm in an attempt to knock it off but all that did was make it angry. It reared up, raising its front legs and exposing its fangs as it bit down. Hard. She let out a loud yelp and a groan of pain as an enormous red lump appeared on her arm.

More and more spiders began to drop from the sky, clinging to her body. She shook with fear and tried to brush them or shake them off, move them in any way but nothing worked. They continued to fall and continued to bite her, the bites becoming more and more painful as trace amounts of venom seeped from the punctures. The angry vibrations from their mandibles and fangs echoed loudly in her ears and the only thing she could do was sink to the ground and curl into a tight ball, shielding her eyes.

“ _Keep your chin up, lassie._ ” 

George. She’d made a promise. She had to find his son, she had to make things right. 

With all the courage she could muster, she rose from the ground and set back to running. The spiders continued to try and cling to her but as she began to pick up speed, they began to fall off her, leaving just the bites and bits of web. When they had all fallen from her body, she found herself in front of another door. Some of the hope she felt earlier drained out of her. She was still in Hell, not back on earth…Yet. Just keep moving. She had to keep moving.

She burst through the door and found herself in the blank corridor she had seen from the elevator. The end still couldn’t be seen, it was too far away. But still, there was nothing surrounding her, no immediate danger, aside from whatever it was behind her. She felt she could waste a few moments to try and catch her breath.

Suddenly her arms grew heavier, cold dense metal dug into the skin on her wrists and ankles. She was pulled to the floor, the metal shackles rubbing her skin raw and bloody. When she looked up again, there were people, staring at her from the other side of a set of iron bars. Why were they all looking at her?

A flutter sounded from behind her and she glanced back. Beautiful gray wings had sprouted. She had summoned her wings? How had she done that? Aziraphale had been saving that lesson for when she was ready. But there they were…was it supposed to be this painful? A sharp ache had spread over her back. Just moving them slightly was agonizing, even keeping them still made her back feel sore and heavy. 

There was a tugging sensation from behind her, sending more aches over her back and shoulders. Someone was touching her, touching her wings. Blushing with humiliation, she tried to make them disappear back into the aether but not matter how hard she focussed, it wouldn’t work. The chatter from the crowd and the pain and weakness in her body was too distracting.

A chill ran over her and when she looked down, she went pale.

She was completely naked. 

Instantly, she curled in on herself using her wings as a cover but the person behind her grabbed the base of her wing and pulled. She struggled, pulling the wing back out of their grasp, trying to stop the groans of pain that were coming from her and thrashing about wildly when a loud crack of a whip sounded and a horrible stinging pain spread over her back. 

“Stay still, freak.” The man growled.

She shivered, pulling her arms over her chest and looking out over the faces in the crowd. She was on display like an animal in a zoo, just something for others to study and gawk at. More and more people began to gather and stare at her, her wings quivering. Another crack of the whip sounded and another lash was added to her back, bringing a pained scream from her. 

“And here, ladies and gentlemen,” a familiar voice sounded above the throng, “is the half angel, half demon hybrid. The only being of her kind.” The familiar cream colored coat and bright hair stood out in the crowd. Aziraphale stood in front of a group of tourists, thumbing at the lapel of his coat as he swept his hand grandly, presenting her like a prized collectible. The tourists pressed up against the bars, laughing and pointing and spitting, some even took pictures and threw things. She gripped her hair, shaking her head. 

' _Not real. This is_ not _real! This is just a trick of Hell._ '

She pulled her chains, repeating the mantra over and over again. A third lash was given, causing her to cry out again, but she didn’t fall down. She pulled and pulled on the chains and soon enough, they fell away, turning to dust. Her wings vanished, the crowd and the cage turned to dust as well. Her dress was at her feet, a pile of dirty, torn yellow fabric. She pulled it back over her head and began running again.

***** She didn’t even make it five steps before a strong pair of arms grabbed her around her middle, squeezing all the air out of her.

“What’s the rush, luv?” A voice whispered in her ear. The foul smell of body odor and sweat entered her nose. “I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Her body began to shiver uncontrollably as one hand trailed down her hip to her leg, resting on her thigh. 

“Let me go!” She yelped.

“Aw, don’t be so shy,” the man purred, his lips brushing against the nape of her neck. “We can have such fun.” His hand clenched into a fist, closing around the skirt of her dress. “Let’s get rid of this first, shall we?”

“No!” She begged. “No no no please no!” The hand moved the collar of the dress and pulled, tearing the fabric from her body and tossing it away, exposing her again to the cold air. There were eyes on her from all around, watching as the strange man touched her all over. His cold hands smoothed themselves along her skin and his face was buried in her hair. 

They all watched, staring with a sick pleasure as he ran his hands over her body...her disgusting and used body. The horrible touches made her want to vomit. Her reflection shone in the glistening eyes glowing with a sickening pale light, she couldn’t bring herself look at her own face in the reflection. A cold fear ran all through her, making any movement impossible. Her mind went numb like she had blown a fuse, with the exception of a small voice in the back of her mind telling her she was garbage. 

The hand that wasn’t wrapped tightly around her stomach moved slowly upward, grabbing hold of her breast and squeezing hard. She yelped again as fearful sobs escaped from her. She had to get away but the cold fear in her blood and the numbness in her mind made it impossible to do anything but struggle weakly, squirming like a caught fish.

“Shut it!” The man barked. He ran his finger over her exposed nipple, circling it with the tip of his nail. As hard as she tried to stop it, a heavy, involuntary moan emerged from her throat. “You like that don’t you, you little slut?” 

He tightened his grip around her, pushing a pained gasp from her lungs as well as another mouthful of blood. 

‘ _It’s not real_.’ She told herself. ‘ _It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not-_ ’ the hand began to move downwards, rubbing over her stomach and hips, settling just above her thigh again, rubbing circles into her flesh with his thumb. Hungry kisses were laid along her neck and jawbone as she continued to struggle. The man’s hot breath settled over her skin as he bit down, causing a shriek to escape from her.

“Scream again,” he said, excitement in his voice. “It’s more fun when you scream.” His nails dug into the skin on her thigh, leaving bloody marks behind. 

‘It’s not real.’ She thought again, letting out a shaky breath. Her hands tightened into fists and she jabbed her elbow backwards, digging into the man’s stomach. As soon as she made contact, he let her go and there was nothing but the sound of crumbling stones and ash in the wind.

She sunk to her knees once again, shaking and panting and horribly afraid and embarrassed.

She was disgusting, nothing but a whore and a plaything, a prized item to be gawked at, abused and thrown away. 

No this wasn’t right…wasn’t it? The exhaustion and pain made it hard to think and she just wanted to sleep, or to scream, or to cry.

‘ _No time!_ ’ She thought frantically. ‘ _Need to run. Now!_ ’ She pulled herself to her feet and began running again, her strides short and shaky, walking with a slight limp. Once again, she found her dress tossed to the side, scorched and torn in many places but still relatively whole. Any defense and covering from any prying eyes or unwanted touch was welcome. She scooped up the dress and pulled it on again, clinging to the sleeves. It was only a matter of time before someone removed it again, so she should enjoy it while she had it. *****

A warmth spread over her skin, like she was standing on the beach in summer. Not just a warmth, but a light as well. It was blinding and glowing and comforting. That couldn't be right. There was nothing like this in Hell. What was this? What was going on? They were trying to pull something, and she knew it.

“Kaera?” A gentle voice called Two figures stood silhouetted against it and as Kaera stepped closer, she saw bright red hair and a leather coat on one and white hair and beige on another. Crowley and Aziraphale. No, no this wasn’t real, just another trick. “Kaera is that really you?” 

“Aziraphale?” She called as she took a hesitant step forward. A smile appeared over Aziraphale’s face. It was kind and genuine.

“Oh we were looking everywhere for you.” He said. 

She looked between the two of them. They were looking at her and smiling. This was real. It was too warm and welcoming to be Hell. She had finally made it out.

Her spirits soared as she ran towards them, not even caring about the burns and cuts on her feet or the annoying stitch in her side. A bright, jovial laugh escaped her, as well as a few joyful tears. Her friends were here, just in front of her. She was home, she was safe. 

“Aziraphale! Crowley!” Her joyful cries pierced the air. They rushed towards her, relief and joy on their faces. Aziraphale ran to greet her and she threw her arms around him, weeping with joy. He returned the brace, gently rubbing her back “I thought I’d never see you again. Everything was so dark and lonely and.. I was just so afraid. I tried to be strong but I…I…” her voice weakened and her body shook. Aziraphale took her arm to steady her.

“Shh.” He soothed. “It’s alright, my dear. It’s almost over.”

“A-almost? What do you-” her question was cut short by a sharp pain in her stomach. She looked down to see that in Aziraphale’s hand was a long sharp blade that he was slowly pushing into her. “Aziraphale…what did you just…do?” She gasped. The angel smiled as he twisted the knife, causing her to let out a shriek of pain. The hand on the hilt moved and was replaced with another. When she looked up, she was staring at Crowley’s grinning face. His sunglasses were gone so she was looking deep into his golden eyes. His pupils were nothing but thin slits and his teeth were pointed.

“Don’t worry, Kaera,” he said, patting her shoulder. “This is for your own good. In fact, I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.” He gripped the knife and twisted it again. Another pained gasp and groan escaped from her. Just when Kaera thought Crowley was going to pull the knife out, he yanked it to the side, slicing her open. Everything spilled out of her as she fell to the ground, blood dripping out of her mouth and down her chin, spilling onto her dress and the ground.

“Why…?”

“You betrayed us.” Aziraphale said calmly, kneeling down in front of her. “You had to pay.” 

This wasn’t right. Aziraphale would never say that to anyone, never do that to anyone, despite what they’d done. This wasn’t the kind hearted, gentle angel she knew. Not even Crowley would go so far to be that violent, he didn’t have the stomach for it. 

No! She was still in Hell. She was so certain that she was out…just a little more. Surely it was just beyond her reach. Just a little bit more.

She held her stomach and shakily rose to her feet, blood pooling in her hand as she stumbled forward towards the light.

“It’s futile, dear girl.” Aziraphale jeered. “You won’t make it.” 

She didn’t look back, but she muttered softly, so only she could hear. “That’s what you think.”

Her steps were slow, labored and wobbly but she continued on towards the light when it suddenly vanished, leaving her in the dark again. But, she could see the end of the corridor just beyond her. 

Just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. 

Each step and breath was more painful than the last but she still continued. As she got closer, she saw a cluster of figures standing in front of the wall. Two of them were on the floor and one was standing with their back to her, a long, bloody sword in their grip. 

A few more steps forward. 

One of the figures on the floor was clinging to the other and shaking. The other one was perfectly still. Her eyes were blurred from tears and she was delirious from the pain but she willed herself to focus and almost screamed at what she saw.

Crowley and Aziraphale were once again in front of her, but this time they were the ones in peril. There was a long slit across Crowley’s throat and a large bloody wound that snaked from his chest to his stomach, his black blood mixing in with the black of his coat. His chest was still and his face was pale. He was dead. Crowley was dead! Somebody had killed him!

Aziraphale was holding Crowley’s body and shivering, golden angelic blood dripping from his mouth as he looked fearfully at his assailant. She had to help, she couldn’t let him die. She took another step forward as Aziraphale spoke.

“Kaera!” His voice was pleading and frightened. He wasn’t looking at her, he was looking at the figure with the sword in their hand. “This isn’t you! Please I beg of you!” 

She took a look at the being and gasped. The dirty blonde hair, black and white shirt and gray skirt were all too familiar, they might as well have been her own…they were her own. The figure with the sword was her! 

Was this an out of body experience? She looked down and ran her hand along her arm, feeling her own skin. No, she was still in her body. This had to be an imposter. That wasn’t her.

As if it could read her thoughts, the doppelgänger turned so it was looking at her. It took all of Kaera’s willpower not to scream as she looked into her own red and yellow eyes. It was just as frightening as that night when her reflection spoke, the smile on her face was just as wide and terrible.

“ _I told you,_ ” she heard her own voice, “ _I told you we were capable of wonderful things._ ” It turned back to Aziraphale, who was still trembling and bleeding on the floor. She couldn’t let this happen, she wouldn’t let this happen. Nobody would hurt her friends, not even her.

As she lifted her foot to step forward, a hand grabbed hold of her shoulder. The presence she had felt all throughout her journey was now dangerously close. In fact, it was standing right behind her.

“ ** _Go on and do it._** ” The voice whispered. “ ** _He’s humiliated you, hurt you, done you so much wrong. Shouldn’t you give him his due?_** ” It wasn’t a voice she’d heard before. It was cold and ambitious. It was a voice that most people hadn’t heard and hoped never to hear. But it was always there in the back of their minds, whispering to them their secret desires, in their own voice, tempting them, drawing them in to its own end. It was the kind of entity that only exists to rebel, to hurt, to kill, to bring misery. And it was standing directly behind her. 

She froze. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t let Aziraphale die, but if she did anything, she’d be handing over all the power to the looming creature. But this was still Hell wasn’t it? Aziraphale was still safe back in England, wasn’t he? If she did nothing, would that hurt him in real life? Would he feel anything? 

That strange determination rose in her again. It didn’t matter if this was real or not, nobody hurt the people she cared about. 

She took two steps forward and a rough hand with sharp nails dug into the back of her neck, right on the sensitive part of her joint. 

“ ** _What made you think you were ever in control?_** ” The voice hissed as it threw her to the floor. The sound of steel falling on flesh and a cry of pain filled the hall and then everything was silent. The only sounds were from Kaera’s heaving breaths, threatening to begin sobbing at any moment. When she opened her eyes, she was alone again, facing the wall, the bodies of her friends lay at her feet, their eyes wide open and staring at her. ***** The sword was in her hand and it was raised to her chest. 

No! No no no! She wouldn’t do it! She’d come too far to give in now! She refused!

“Do it!” A voice hissed from somewhere behind her.

“Do it, Kaera!” Another bellowed.

“It’s the right choice!”

“You must!”

“It is the only way!”

“Do it! Do it!”

Voices echoed all around her, commanding her to give in, to come back to Hell, to plant the sword in her chest and let go. Her arms began to shake, the muscles flexing and trying to thrust the arm back. Her body wasn’t her own again and it took all her strength to keep herself from stabbing herself. She resisted. She had resisted up until this moment and she would continue to resist. She wouldn’t stop until the earth died, until her form gave out and she was rendered into nothing.

She would never. Give. In.

“I REFUSE!”

The sound of a metal blade crashing on the floor reached her ears. The sword was no longer in her hand. Her muscles had relaxed and her body was her own again. The sound of the sword on the floor continued to echo down the long corridor before fading out. The voices had fallen silent. Kaera looked down. The bodies had disappeared, turning to dust, revealed as mere illusions. *****

The wall that marked the end of the corridor stood in front of her. She rushed forward, her hands raised, and pounded her fist into the wall. There was a crack and pain erupted in Kaera’s wrist. But much to her delight, there was a crack in the wall as well. She pounded her fist into it again, sending another horrible, throbbing pain up her arm. She pounded a third time and a fourth. The crack in the wall grew larger and longer, snaking upwards as pieces of plaster fell to bits. Her hands dug at the crack until her fingers bled, pulling and reaching, trying with everything in her to make some kind of path or tunnel. The plaster began to fall way in bits, revealing thick dirt on the other side. 

She began to dig like a crazed animal, forcing her way through as dirt flew every which way, falling into her mouth and irritating the bloody wounds. Further and further she dug until her fingers couldn’t feel any more dirt. She pulled her hand back to reveal a tiny hole. On the other side was a piece of sky full of glowing stars. Her arms began to move faster as she continued to dig, the tiny hole growing slowly bigger and bigger. Her fingers gripped the sides and pulled herself along through the tunnel she had dug, forcing herself through. Her shoulders and chest were squeezed making it hard to breathe but she still moved, wiggling like a worm until her head was pushed out of the hole, followed by her shoulders. Her body felt heavy, like she was trying to pull herself out of a swimming pool. She struggled and wiggled and pulled until…she came out on the other side.

She looked back just in time to see the hole close behind her. Then there was silence. Nothing but the sweet sound of chirping crickets.

She waited for a moment, expecting some kind of torment or punishment to befall her, but nothing happened. What would it be this time? Hanging? Buried alive?

"Well?" She called. "Whatever you've got to throw at me, just do it!" Silence. The only answer was a wind rustling through the pine trees.

Her fingers ran along the ground, feeling at the dirt, grass and rocks. The air was peaceful and calm, a cold October breeze blowing through, ruffling her hair. She put her hand on her face, taking in the feel of her skin again as she questioned the reality around her. 

She continued to wait until there was a rumble overhead. She flinched, waiting for the pain to come, but instead, the soft pitter of raindrops sounded and flecked against her skin. She took a breath and let it out. For the first time in a long time, she was alone. There were no demons watching her, no looming presence behind her. It wasn’t anywhere near her. She had done it. She had really done it.

She fell onto her knees weeping with joy. She was out of Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are doing okay and I hope this chapter wasn't too daunting for you. You all deserve so many hugs, both for reading this and just because I like hugs and things are really crazy and uncertain right now. Please leave a comment and tell me how things are going for you, reading comments from you guys always makes me so happy. Again, many many many thanks to TakeItEezy both for helping write this chapter and for helping edit it. I don't know where I would be without you. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day all!


	27. Where to Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on my bullshit! This one's slightly shorter, but don't worry, there'll be a longer one on Friday.

The air had never smelled so sweet and clean to her, the grass and dirt under her knees had never been so lovely and the rain on her skin had never felt so wonderfully cool and refreshing. Each puff of vapor from her breath floating up to the open sky was a treasure and each twinkling star was a gift. Every sight, sound, and smell sent jubilant tremors all trough her body. Despite the pain and many injuries, she felt like she was walking on air as she ran her fingers through the dirt, laughing and weeping like a fool.

Her celebration was somewhat short-lived. She was overjoyed to have successfully escaped Hell, but now that she was out, there was one glaring question: What on earth was she going to do now?

She stood up, her legs shaking, and stretched. As soon as she moved her arms, a horrid pain spread from her torso all over her body, forcing her back to the ground, clutching her stomach. There was a rush and Kaera began to feel dizzy. When she pulled her hands away, they were covered in blood. She was in _very_ bad shape and needed to find shelter as soon as possible. 

Once the pain and dizziness subsided, she looked around, trying to get a good estimate for where she was. The button on the elevator had said “London” but she was by what looked like an abandoned road in front of a forest. 

A sharp bong of a bell sounded throughout the air. Shuffling on her knees, she moved a little closer and saw lights and tall buildings in the distance. The bell rang four times, the familiar peal of Big Ben. It was definitely London, but it was miles away, she wouldn’t make it without being overcome by the pain, and passing out just outside of a city was the last thing she wanted. 

A closer look at the clearing in front of the woods where she crawled out told her that she was in the same place where Beelzebub had originally confronted her. Her breath hitched and she shivered when she thought about her first interaction with the Demon Prince, how helpless and stupid she had been. 

No, now was not the time for panicking. 

She took a breath and gathered her thoughts. 

If she recalled correctly, she had been running from the cottage when they had found her and she had made it about a half a mile. Her chest ached again. There was no way that Aziraphale and Crowley would ever want to see her again, and they had good reason to. 

Beelzebub’s harsh words rang in her ears. “They don’t want anything to do with you. You are a diseazzze to them, a freak. I’m sure they were relieved when you left” “You were never loved and never will be loved.” She had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying. 

If Aziraphale and Crowley were out, where else could she go? She didn’t have enough strength to walk anywhere further than the cottage, there was no other safe place for miles, and busses didn’t run so late at night. She could possibly sleep on the side of the road, right where she was…she glanced behind her towards the forest. Nope. There was no telling what was in there. Besides, she wanted to get as far away from the drop-spot for Hell as possible.

The village! It was only about a mile and a quarter from the cottage, and the cottage was only about half a mile from that spot. With any luck she could manage enough strength to walk there in about thirty minutes, and hopefully find some someone who’d be kind enough to offer her a bed.

Just the thought of sleeping made her head feel like it weighed two tons and her eyes wanted nothing more than to close for eight hours, possibly more.

_No! No no no. Stay awake until you get somewhere safe._

It honestly puzzled her a little that she felt so tired, she was an immortal being after all, she had never felt physically tired in her life until now. Then again, there is only so much strain a spirit could take until the body became damaged as well.

As steadily as she could, she rose to her feet, an intense pain creeping up her legs. A groan emerged from her and she lowered herself back to the ground. 

Her feet were in a pretty bad state as well. A long gash was in her right foot from where she’d stepped on the glass and both were burned beyond recognition. Keeping them still in the cool grass was helping for now, but when she tried to walk, it was immensely painful. And this was just in the grass. If she came across a patch of asphalt or, God forbid, gravel, she would be in even bigger trouble.

She sighed, tugging at the skirt of her dress when a throb ran up her arm. Her right wrist had swollen to the size of a tennis ball and was bent at a concerning angle. It was most definitely broken. She would deal with that later. Her feet took priority, everything else could wait until she found somewhere safe.

Using her left hand and her teeth, she tore at her skirt, pulling off two large swaths and trying to ignore the panicked quiver that ran over her body, just chalking it up to the chill in the air. As gently as she could, she wrapped the cloth around her left foot and tied it at the heel, then did the same for the right. It wasn’t a very good bandage but it was better than leaving her exposed to further injury or infection. 

For a third time, she rose to her feet, careful not to move too quickly and risk losing any more blood. She kept one hand on her stomach wound as she walked, the other out to the side to steady herself and keep her balance. It must have been quite a sight, a teenager (or a forty-two-year-old who in a teenaged body) stumbling down the street and wobbling slightly. If she hadn’t been dripping with blood, someone would most likely assume she was drunk if they saw her. Luckily, it was four in the morning on what she could only assume was a weekday, so nobody else was out. She was especially thankful for that. After all the shit she had to deal with, she was not in the mood to add “judgmental stares” to the list.

After about sixteen minutes, she passed the sign, proclaiming that the town was another mile. Thank goodness, she was going in the right direction.

The “bandages” were great for keeping anything from getting into her foot or disrupting the burns, but they did very little to help the pain. Every step was absolutely excruciating and every so often she would stumble and fall to her knees again. Getting up afterwards got harder and harder each time. Luckily the marks on her back from the whip weren’t bleeding too heavily, she most likely would discorporate from blood loss if that were the case, but they caused her back to ache horribly. The back of her dress rubbed against them with every breath, which was almost as bad as the pain in her feet. 

She stumbled again, this time falling flat on her face. At least it was into a patch of grass and not on the asphalt. She was able to pull herself to her knees before she started coughing, the sudden movement causing more aches to flare up in her stomach. Before she could cover her mouth, she spat a mouthful of blood onto the grass.

_Get up! Keep going! It can’t be too far!_

She pushed herself up again, biting back a groan as more pain shot up her arm and her feet as she stood once more. Her neck ached and her head felt so annoyingly heavy. Her eyes blurred just about every five seconds, which made seeing where she was going so much harder…why did everything look like it was wobbling? 

Her slight limp had graduated to a full on unsteady teeter and walking in a straight line was absolutely impossible. She couldn’t even tell if she was going in the right direction anymore.

For the umpteenth time, she fell, once again flat on her face. Another cough forced its way out, splattering more blood across her lips. Getting up again was a fools errand, so she began crawling on her hands and knees, or one one hand and knees. Her fingers felt along the ground, using the grassland to guide her way along but even that proved to strenuous a task after a few minutes. 

Her head drooped and she had to squeeze her wrist to keep herself from falling asleep right there. 

_Just one more step._  
Just one more step.  
Just one…more… 

Finally, she couldn’t take anymore. She collapsed next to a bush with clusters of pale blue flowers. She was still out in the open and she didn’t know how far away from the village she was, but she was too worn out to care. She couldn’t resist anymore.

Shivering and alone under the bush, Kaera finally succumbed to her exhaustion.

* * * * *

Crowley sat up in bed, his head pounding. The sensation was one he hadn’t felt for a long time, but it was still annoyingly familiar to him. At first he thought it was a hangover, but after a bit more thought, he realized that was stupid. Even though he’d gotten drunk that night, he’d remembered to sober up before going to bed. 

He groaned. The pounding in his head was driving him crazy, it only got this bad when…oh shit.

“Aziraphale.” Crowley said, shaking the angel’s shoulder, sudden panic taking over.

“Mmh, what is it dear?” Aziraphale muttered sleepily. There were some times Crowley regretted introducing him to sleeping. Aziraphale tended to be even harder to wake than he was.

“I think there’s someone nearby,” he said.

“Hmmmm…well, if that’s all…” he was already half asleep again.

“Get up.” Crowley hissed. “I think they need help.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine ’til morning…” Aziraphale muttered.

“Angel, I’m serious. I’m picking up on fear and pain, a shit ton of it. Whoever it is, they're in really bad shape, I don't think they can go on. Isn’t it, I dunno, your angelic duty to help souls in need or something?”

Before Aziraphale could answer, a new sensation washed over Crowley. Whoever it was, they were coming closer, before suddenly stopping. More torments or negative emotion had been added and suddenly he became very nervous. The pain and fear were still there, but now, exhaustion, weakness, and utter defeat had been added to the mix. But that wasn’t what caused him to be so nervous. Since they were closer, Crowley could get a better scent on their aura, and it was very, _very_ familiar.

“Aziraphale…?” Crowley said weakly. 

Aziraphale’s eyes snapped open and he shot up in bed. He gave Crowley a look that was halfway between fear and determination and snapped his fingers, fully dressed in an instant. Without giving Crowley a chance to say anything further, the angel flew out of bed and down the stairs.

“Angel, hang on!” Crowley called after him, pulling on a dressing gown and some slippers. “Wait up! You can’t just-“

“Oh my goodness!” There was absolute terror in his voice.

Crowley’s eyes widened with worry as he raced down the stairs and out to the garden, where Aziraphale was kneeling next to one of the hydrangea bushes. When the angel heard his footsteps, he glanced over his shoulder, his face pale. Crowley rushed over to join him and when he looked down, he almost gasped.

Curled up under the bush, covered in blood, was Kaera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap! We're almost at 300 hits! Thank you guys so so much for reading. So today I went back to my college campus to pick up my things and it was EERIE seeing nobody else there. It kinda makes this whole thing a lot more chilling, seeing everywhere so empty. But, we keep moving forward and supporting our doctors, nurses and other front liners. I heard over the news that Canada is making new progress with a vaccine so I'm hopeful. I hope you all are doing well. Many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my beta, go check them out they're awesome. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	28. You're Safe

Aziraphale was the first of the two to snap out of his shock. A whole mess of emotion was coming over him, relief, worry, fear, guilt, too many to list. But he had to put that on hold. Kaera needed help and she wasn’t going to get any better with the two of them standing there staring at her.

He looked over his shoulder at Crowley, who’s eyes were wide with anxiety.

“Go get some extra blankets from the linen closet and put them on her bed.” He said, his voice sharp, seemingly calm, but underneath the tone was an unseen world of worry and absolute terror. Aziraphale was the kind of person who didn’t go to emotional extremes when pushed too far. He was quick, cold, and analytical. Sometimes he frightened himself with how he could be. “I’m going to try and do something about these injuries.”

“Out here?” Crowley asked.

“I don’t want to move her too much, that might make it worse.” He explained. Crowley nodded and dashed into the house, leaving Aziraphale alone with the shivering and bloody girl.

She wasn’t conscious, but she wasn’t necessarily asleep either. Every few seconds, her eyelids would flutter only to drift closed again and she was mumbling to herself, though Aziraphale couldn’t hear what she was saying.

“Oh, my dear,” he said gently. “What happened to you?” Kaera’s shivering worsened at the sound of his voice and she tried to force herself up onto her elbows only to collapse once more. Aziraphale placed one hand on her shoulder and the other on her forehead to steady and soothe her. As soon as his fingers set against her skin, she shuddered, shying away from his touch.

“Nooo,” she moaned weakly, her breath short and raspy.

“It’s okay, dear,” he whispered, flattening his palm against her forehead. “Everything’s going to be okay…” his voice trailed. She was absolutely burning! Her skin was flushed and tinged pink from fever and there was a thin trickle of blood running from her lips. He didn’t have time to waste with shock, he had to heal her now and time was not on his side. 

A warmth came to his hand and a pale yellow glow spread from his fingers over her forehead and…nothing happened. He tried a second and third time, muttering every prayer and intercession, every spell and rune he could think of but her injuries refused to heal and her fever wouldn’t break. It took all his willpower not to rattle off a string of less than angelic phrases. Why wouldn’t heavenly powers work? Did that mean…

A loud cough forced its way out of Kaera’s throat and another spurt of blood tricked from her mouth. She shivered again and pulled her arms close to her, curling up into a tight ball. A protective heat that was halfway between determination and fury came over Aziraphale as he quickly snapped his fingers, replacing her dress with a set of warm tartan pajamas. As gently as he could, he pulled her into his arms, racing back towards the house. If miracles wouldn’t work, they’d have to take care of her the old fashioned way.

“Crowley!” The angel called. Crowley raced down the stairs, face pale and in an absolute panic. As carefully as he could, Aziraphale placed Kaera into the demon’s arms. She continued to shiver and a few fearful gasps escaped her.

“Get her to bed straight away. Make sure she’s warm.” He set his hand against her forehead again. “She’s terribly ill, I suspect pneumonia.”

“What happened to healing her?” Crowley asked, absolutely bewildered.

“I tried.” Aziraphale said sadly. “I tried everything, but nothing worked. Whatever hurt her must have used magic that is far more advanced than a principality can oppose.” Crowley went pale again, a look of fear passing over his face. “Quickly now!” Aziraphale exclaimed, a crack was beginning to form in his collected demeanor. “I’ll be up shortly, I just need to gather some things.” 

Crowley nodded and rushed up the stairs as Aziraphale hurried into the kitchen, pulling the largest bowl he could find from the cupboard and filling it with warm water.

Oh God. _Oh God_.

What in the world had happened to her? She had only been gone for three days, where could she have gone to have hurt her so much?

Deep down, Aziraphale knew the answer, but he could only hope he was wrong.

His heart ached thinking about how small and afraid she looked curled up under the bush, just a mere shadow of the young woman that had been under his care just three days prior. He had promised he would keep her safe and he couldn’t even do _that_ right. He’d failed her.

His hands gripped the counter, his knuckles turning white, and a broken gasp escaped him. 

Now _wasn’t_ the time. He had to focus on keeping her alive.

He shut off the tap and grabbed three washcloths from the rack, carrying everything as carefully as he could upstairs. Crowley was gingerly tucking her in, handling her as if she were made of porcelain. Aziraphale set the water on the bedside table and soaked one of the rags, handing it to Crowley. 

“Try and get her fever down while I get the first aid kit.”

“Not real…” a murmur sounded. Kaera’s eyes were still closed and she was muttering to herself as if she were speaking in a dream. “…it’s not real… ‘nother trick…gotta…get out…”

Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a worried glance. _That_ had all but confirmed what Aziraphale had been suspecting and it pained him horribly to think about it. 

Once again, he pushed everything to the back of his mind and dashed to the washroom, grabbing the first aid kit from under the sink. Whatever had happened to her, he would do everything in his power to bring her whatever comfort she needed.

“Angel!” Crowley called. The sound of coughing echoed down the hall along with some disconcerting gurgling noises. When Aziraphale reached the bedroom, Kaera was leaning over the side of the bed, curled in on herself again and coughing violently, blood spilling onto the floor. Crowley was doing his best to soothe her, but he was rather out of his element. The only thing he could think to do was rub her shoulder gently and mutter that she was going to be okay. It was rather unconvincing. When he saw Aziraphale he stifled a relieved sigh and stepped back, letting the angel take his place. Aziraphale knelt by Kaera’s side and gently rubbed her back in slow, rhythmic circles. 

“No more…” she murmured between coughs. “Please…I can’t…I can’t take anymore…”

“Shh,” He crooned, the ache once again coming over his heart. “It’s alright, my dear. You’re safe. Nobody will hurt you.” 

Something wet oozed onto his palm and when he lifted his hand, it was covered in blood. He took a look at her back only to see a large red stain spreading over the shirt.

“Help me sit her up, Crowley.” He said urgency mixing in with his usually calm tone. Crowley took a gentle hold on her arm and set his hand on her shoulder, pulling her to a sitting position. Her head lolled and flopped onto his shoulder while she murmured incoherently into the fabric of his jacket.

Aziraphale lifted the back of the shirt and gasped. Three very large gashes stared back at him, along with several red lumps the size of marbles that looked like bug bites. The gashes were long and bloody and could have only come from a whip.

With shaking hands, Aziraphale opened the first aid kit and grabbed the second washcloth, first soaking it in the water and then iodine before dabbing it to her back.

Kaera’s entire body tensed and she let out several pained groans and gasps as Aziraphale cleaned and bandaged the gashes. 

“Please…” she begged weakly. “Please no more…” With what little strength she had, she tried to pull herself out of their arms, struggling and squirming and Aziraphale had to keep whispering soft reassurances that she was safe, putting as much angelic peace into his voice as he could to keep her calm and steady. 

After tying off the bandages, and using a quick miracle to ensure that they wouldn’t cause any pain as they pressed against her back, the two of them settled her back into bed as Aziraphale looked over her other injuries. The one that worried him the most was a very large, very deep bloody wound over her abdomen. Every so often, Kaera would let out a dull moan and clench her fist against her stomach, her face twisting in pain.

Aziraphale picked up the rag again, and began cleaning the wound when a groan, louder than usual, briefly distracted him. Kaera’s eyes had opened, though they were covered by a dull fog with large dark circles beneath them, and she was glancing nervously around the room. He couldn’t let her stay conscious and in immense amounts of pain. Even if miracles wouldn’t heal her, he at least hoped that they might send her off to sleep.

“Aziraphale…” She groaned. “It hurts…everything hurts…”

“I know, dear. I know.” He said gently, stroking her hair in an attempt to comfort her. “Just relax. It’ll all be over in a moment.”

Her eyes widened with fear and she let out a scream. Aziraphale thought he knew what fear sounded like, but the sheer terror in that scream shook him to his very core.

“No! No please not again!” She begged, struggling and thrashing with as much strength as she could muster.

“Kaera, I’m not going to hurt you, I swear I won’t-” his promises were drowned out by the terrified shrieks.

She pushed herself away from Aziraphale, tumbling out of the bed and onto the floor spilling more blood onto her shirt and pants. Before she could start crawling or running, Crowley scooped her up, causing another scream and more frantic pleas to emerge from her. 

“Whatever you’re going to do, do it soon, Angel.” He said doing his best to keep a hold on her without frightening her more than she was already.

Aziraphale nodded and put his hand against the side of Kaera’s head. Her screams died down and a neutral expression came over her face. “Rest now, my dear.” He said gently, his soft voice somehow filling the whole room. “Sleep and forget all the horror, all the pain, all the fear until you wake again. Be at peace.” Slowly, her eyes drifted closed and her breaths became steady and even as Crowley laid her back onto the mattress. In less than three seconds, she was fast asleep. Aziraphale sighed with relief as he brushed a few stray locks of hair from her face. “Sleep well, dear.”

He summoned a chair for himself and continued cleaning the wound, his hands shaking slightly less this time.

“Why didn’t you just erase her memory of whatever happened to her?” Crowley asked as he sat down on the bed, watching as the angel threaded a sewing needle with fine surgical thread. 

“I try not to fiddle with people’s memories.” Aziraphale said matter-of-factly as he began to stitch the wound. “It is not my place to dictate what people should and shouldn’t remember.”

“But she’s clearly suffering.” Crowley protested, looking down at Kaera. “Don’t you wanna take that suffering away?”  
“Of course I do.” Aziraphale said, distress in his voice. “But if I were to completely erase the memory of her trauma, I’d be belittling the strength she had to overcome it. It isn’t my place to decide to erase it. If she wants the memories gone, that’s another thing. But I won’t be the one to decide it. It is _her_ choice and hers alone.” There was a trace of resentment in his voice that he hadn’t meant to use, a bitterness that had been stewing in his chest for 6000 years that he was too guilty to admit. He just wanted Kaera to have the luxury of a choice, something he’d never had. He sighed, tugging on the needle. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.”

Crowley looked from Kaera back to Aziraphale. “What? Why not?”

Aziraphale kept his eyes on the stitches, not wanting Crowley to see the guilt on his face and not wanting to see the judgmental look in the demon’s eyes. Aziraphale knew it wasn’t Crowley’s fault that he was such a disappointment, or as the quartermaster had put it, “A pathetic excuse for an angel”, but he still couldn’t help the sick feeling he got whenever anyone looked at him with that same judgmental glare. He couldn’t stand to think about that look coming to Crowley’s face. 

“She was in Hell, wasn’t she?” He said grimly. It wasn’t a question, they both knew the answer. A heavy silence filled the room as the two took in the gravity of that statement. With every breath from Kaera, the tension in the room seemed to build as the two pondered what had given her those wounds and what horrible things the denizens of the infernal realm had put her through. Aziraphale banished the thoughts as soon as they came to his mind, not wanting to distress himself further, but Crowley stewed in his thoughts for a while, guilt flooding him. He was fairly sure how she had made it back and what she had to go through to get here. It made him sick just to think of it.

Aziraphale sighed again, his breath shaking slightly. “Heavenly power can’t remove memories of Hell just as it can’t remove injuries or illnesses from Hell.” He looked up at Crowley, an unreadable expression had come over the demon’s face that looked to be halfway between shame and disgust, but it wasn’t towards Aziraphale. If the angel hadn’t been so focussed on his own guilt, he would have noticed the slight knit in Crowley’s brow that usually came when he was deep in thought about his own experiences of Hell. Aziraphale sighed. “There’s nothing I can do.” 

Crowley snapped out of his thoughts and walked over to Aziraphale, gently wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “It’s not your fault, Angel.” He whispered.

If he were being perfectly honest, he disagreed with Crowley. It may not have been his fault that he couldn’t heal her properly, it was just the way the hierarchy of angelic power worked. If he were an archangel, maybe, but his current position rendered him powerless against these kinds of wounds. But he did feel that if he had just done a better job as a guardian and protector, Kaera wouldn’t have even gone to Hell in the first place.

Since the night she ran away, her final words to the two of them had weighed heavily on his mind. 

_“I’m a monster!”_

She hadn’t sounded at all surprised when she said it. Anguished and ashamed certainly, but not surprised, like she was confirming a thought she’d had long ago. He knew that being possessed wasn’t her fault but he was struck with the feeling that he had made her feel unwelcome or lesser while she had stayed with them. He wasn’t at all aware she had felt that way and, while she was still missing, Aziraphale had vowed to himself that if they found her, he would do everything in his power to make her feel safe and welcomed.

That was before that night. 

He wasn’t sure what he had expected would happen when they found her, but it was nothing like this. The fear she was feeling was debilitating in it of itself, not to mention the injuries and pneumonia on top of that. She had endured something no being on earth could imagine and somehow found the strength to escape and now she was here in need of help and what could he do? Nothing! He couldn’t even heal her properly. They couldn’t take her to a hospital, how would they take care of   
someone who wasn’t human? All she was left with was a useless failure of an angel. 

Kaera let out a raspy breath, pulling Aziraphale from his thoughts. 

She needed him. He needed to stay strong for her. 

He took the washcloth from the table and dipped it in the water again, setting it against her forehead. A sleepy sigh came from her, causing a small ghost of a smile to come across Aziraphale’s face. At least she was getting some well deserved rest.

Aziraphale bit his lip, focusing on finishing the stitches and cleaning any excess blood that he may have missed. He had served briefly under Florence Nightingale and had picked up some of her first aid techniques, but that had been a long time ago and he was rather out of practice. “I’ve done the best I can, but I doubt it won’t leave a scar.”

A warm hand settled on his shoulder and he looked up to see Crowley standing beside him, a knowing look on his face.

“I just hope the damage isn’t irreversible.” He said, putting his hand on top of his partner’s

“I’m sure it isn’t, Angel.” Crowley assured. “You’re a great healer, even without miracles.”

Aziraphale looked back to Kaera as a whimper emerged from her lips, her eyebrows creased together. He set his hand against her head again, hoping to calm her. “That’s not what I mean.” He said. 

Crowley looked puzzled for a moment before an expression of painful realization crossed his face. 

“Yeah.” He murmured. “I hope so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I might be projecting some of my insecurities a wee bit. At least Kaera's safe at home, but it's gonna be a long recovery. Luckily, the bois will be there to help her through it.  
> So, how have your lives been going? I've been trying to pick up some new skills to distract from all the anxiety and uncertainty, so last week I made a butterscotch cinnamon pie (yes like from Undertale) and it was DELICIOUS!   
> All the thanks and much love to TakeItEezy for being my wonderful beta. Go check out their stuff. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	29. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There's slight gore and graphic violence in the first half of this chapter, as well as references to sexual assault.
> 
> Also a quick note, both Kaera's parents are gender non binary and she refers to them as "Mapa" (mix of Mama and Papa) and "Poma" (mix of Pop and Mama).

It was dark, and cold. But she wasn’t alone. Everywhere she turned there was some kind of twisted sneering scowl peering out at her from the darkness. Clawed hands reached towards her body, touching her invasively. Their fingers ran all down her skin, exposed and pale. She tried to cover herself but her arms felt like they were made of lead, she couldn’t move them. The touches became more violent and hungry, soon there was a mass of hands and fingers and claws, clouding her sight, choking her, touching her.

Two very strong hands grabbed hold of her wrists and gave her a mighty shove forward, sending her to the floor. Before she could try to stand up, four more pairs of hands grabbed her, two on each hand and two on each leg, keeping her in place. A knee dug into her back as a familiar, cold raspy voice whispered in her ear.

“You’ll never be free of this.”

The sound of leather being stretched and pulled permeated the air followed by a quick whistle and a sharp _CRACK_. Kaera cried out in pain as the whip came down swiftly on her back. The demons surrounding her all cheered and whooped as another strike came. Then a third and a fourth. A fifth. A sixth. Each time, Kaera let out a painful scream, which was drowned out by a chorus of jeers and insults. Twenty lashes came. Then thirty. Then fifty. Then a hundred. Each lash was agonizing and she could feel the blood rushing down her back and legs, pooling all around her. 

She lost count of how many she’d been given, but when he finally stopped, Hastur sneered, “Remember that the next time you feel like being brave. You’re nothing but a maggot under my foot.” There was a spitting noise and something wet plopped onto the back of her neck.

Before she could even make a single move, a hand grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her up to her knees. Beelzebub’s angry blue eyes stared back at her, a look of pure rage on their face. In their left hand was…oh no…no please not again. 

The iron poker was at least three times larger than it had been the first time and even from at least five feet away, Kaera could feel the heat radiating from the metal. They brought it closer to her face, taunting her as a burn seared across her flesh. They chuckled.

“Open your mouth.” They commanded. 

Kaera weakly shook her head and kept her lips pressed together.

Their grip tightened, sending stings all over her scalp.

“Perhaps you did not hear me.” They pressed the metal to her cheek, the horrible heat spreading all over her skin, boiling it and peeling it away. Blood spilled to the floor and ran all over her chin and chest. The scream that emerged from her throat was like that of an ancient banshee.

Beelzebub grinned and raised the poker and Kaera scrunched her eyes tight.

But the burning never came. There was no pain. 

A sound broke through the mockery and sneering, a soft music floating on a wind. It was gentle, but it overpowered every other sound around her and filled her with peace. Her mind began to settle as the world around her began to shift, bringing her out of the darkened hole and changing to a different setting.

* * * * *

“Stay still, I’m almost done!” Kaera called from behind the easel. 

“We’ve been sitting here for an hour.” Crowley groaned. 

“Be patient, darling. She’ll be done in a moment.” Aziraphale scolded playfully.

A stubborn lock fell from Kaera’s messy bun, as it very often did when she was in the middle of something important. With a bit of a huff, she tucked it back behind her ear, splotching some paint on her cheek in the process before leaning back out to look at her models.

“Hold still Crowley!” She scolded as well, with a small laugh. He never was very good at staying in one place, despite being a snake some of the time (who also once slept for a century). Crowley scowled at her. “Do you want your face to look all wonky?” She chuckled as she dipped her brush into the cup of water. “Oh wait, it already is.” 

Laughter echoed around the room as Crowley’s face took on a scarlet tint.

Aziraphale glanced at Crowley and surreptitiously took his hand. “You know she doesn’t mean it dear. Besides,” he leaned in slightly, “I think you’re quite handsome.” If it were possible, Crowley’s face became even redder.

“Are you two done flirting back there?” The person on the sofa chided. They didn’t even have to look at the two to know what was happening. 

Kaera took extra care to try and capture the wild look in their red eyes, but also the strange gentle kindness that wasn’t common for someone like them. The light reflected off their black hair and their smirk was also rather devilish, creating creased dimples in their cheeks.

“ _You’re_ one to talk, Azazel.” Crowley teased, looking at Azazel’s hand, closed around the fingers of the person sitting next to them. They seemed to exude light and peace, though in that moment, their glow was rather indignant and annoyed, causing their golden hair, pulled into a tail, to become even brighter.

“Poma!” Kaera scolded, eying the glow around them. The figure blushed slightly and the glow ceased.

“Sorry, little one.” They said sheepishly. They insisted on calling her that, even though she was far from little anymore. In their eyes, she was always their little one. “You know how I get when the snake teases me.” It would have been hostile were it not for the soft smile on their face and the light chuckle that came with it. Kaera glanced at Crowley, giving him a look

Crowley smirked. “S’not my fault Haniel’s too bloody sensitive.”

Azazel squeezed Haniel’s hand. “I like it when you glow like that.” They whispered. 

“Get a room!” Crowley teased. Both the two figures on the sofa went scarlet, as did Kaera behind her easel.

“Oi! Don’t talk about that when I’m in the room! I don’t need that image in my head.” She leaned out to look at them. “Also stop moving around so much! This is never gonna get finished if you keep fidgeting like that.” 

The four went still again and Kaera dove back behind her canvas, picking up a much smaller brush and dipping it into the white paint. The highlights of Haniel’s hair caught the light just subtly enough to look like a halo resting on top of their golden locks. There was also a mischievous glimmer in Azazel’s eyes that could only be captured by paying mind to the slightest details.

A few shadows here, a touch up there, and the portrait was done. Kaera gave it one final critiquing glance and smiled.

“Is it done?” Azazel asked. “I want to see it.”

“Yes,” Kaera answered back, “it’s done.”

“Wonderful! Let’s see it.” Aziraphale said gleefully.

Kaera turned the easel to face the four of them and the room was lost in a sea of gasps and smiles. 

“Kaera it’s lovely! Absolutely gorgeous!” Haniel praised, putting a hand on Kaera’s shoulder. 

“You got my good looks perfectly.” Azazel said, looking at their painted counterpart and putting a hand on their chin.

Crowley looked between the painting and then to Azazel. “Not a good resemblance, you made them too handsome.” He mocked.

Azazel rolled their eyes. “You’re just jealous because someone is prettier than you.” They mocked. 

Haniel chucked. “I think it’s a remarkable likeness, love.” They said, kissing their partner on the cheek. Azazel blushed furiously.

Aziraphale gave a long look at the portrait and smiled. “It truly is a wonderful portrait.” He said, putting his arm around her. 

“Thanks for letting me paint you all.” Kaera said.

“It was great fun. I’ve never sat for a portrait before.” Aziraphale said.

“That’s a fucking lie and you know it.” Azazel mocked. The room erupted in laughter. 

“Perhaps I should rephrase that.” Aziraphale said, blushing slightly. “That’s the first time I’ve sat for a portrait by a competent artist.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t trust some random person in the streets of Venice who say they’re a renowned artist.” Haniel said, an un-angelic smirk on their face. 

“Also, don’t pay them in full until after the portrait is finished. There’s a reason you only pay half up front.” Azazel said. Aziraphale blushed again, a slight pout on his lips. Kaera giggled

“Little one,” Haniel laughed, looking at Kaera, “you have paint on your face.” 

Kaera flushed and reached for the handkerchief next to the easel.

“Here, let me.” Haniel insisted, pulling out a handkerchief of their own and wiping the paint from her face. “There we are, that’s better.” They gave her a bright smile and pulled her into a tight embrace. “We’re so very proud of you darling.” They whispered it so only Kaera could hear. “Never forget that.”

Warmth spread all throughout Kaera’s chest and she found herself smiling widely as she nestled into their shoulder. A warm calloused hand set on her back and she found Azazel standing next to her. There was pride and complete bliss over their face as they looked down at their daughter and partner. 

Kaera had never felt such contentment in her life. She was safe. She was home. She was loved.

“Come on!” Aziraphale called, a large basket in his hand. “I found the perfect spot for lunch and I found some new recipes that I want you all to try.”  
Kaera’s stomach growled loudly as the five of them walked out the door.

The day was clear and bright, not stiflingly hot but pleasantly warm, with cool breezes blowing through Kaera’s hair. The air smelled of flowers and fresh cut grass. 

The four old friends were chatting and laughing, reminiscing about old times and Kaera listened contentedly. 

In no time, they had reached a lovely open field full of sweet smelling lavender. Haniel set down a blanket as Crowley pulled the bottle of wine from the basket, uncorking it and pouring himself a glass. Aziraphale rolled his eyes and smiled as he unpacked the food. Kaera’s mouth watered. He had clearly gone all out to make everything. There were warm honey rolls and croissants, meat pies, and sandwiches, with fresh berries for dessert. Everything was delicious, Kaera hadn’t had such wonderful food in her life. 

After they were done eating, they began talking, laughing and joking. Kaera settled onto her back and closed her eyes. The breeze passed over her and the warm sun kissed her skin. The sound of the voices floated gently on the breeze, blending with the sounds of chirping birds. 

There was another sound as well.

It was far away but she could hear it in the distance. Someone was singing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy this chapter was fluffy. But Kaera deserves a bit of peace, don't you think? I hope you all liked it!  
> Sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday like I wanted to, I had a stomach bug and didn't have too much energy, but I'm back again today so that's good.  
> I hope everyone's day has been just sublime and that you're all staying safe and healthy. Thank you to TakeItEezy for just being awesome and for helping me out with this chapter. You all should go check out their work it's awesome. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day!


	30. The Angel's Voice

It’s a well known fact that angels have beautiful singing voices. After all, the phrase “sings like an angel” had to come from somewhere. A much lesser known fact is the purpose of an angel’s singing. The voice of an angel is meant to soothe and calm the broken and afraid, bring peace to a shattered mind. Not necessarily cure insanity but help to bring them away from the brink of being lost beyond reach. Anyone who hears an angel sing is given a sense of overwhelming serenity and safety, even someone who had been through Hell.

Aziraphale had finished with the wound on Kaera’s stomach and had bandaged the raw skin on her wrists, as well as placing her left arm in a splint to help the broken joint. He was just beginning to apply ointment to the burns on the bottoms of Kaera’s feet when she let out a strangled cry. She began to thrash and struggle, begging an unseen attacker for mercy. 

Aziraphale dropped the ointment and took her hand, patting it gently and whispering softly to her.

“Please…I'm sorry...Someone help me...” Kaera whimpered. 

“It’s alright Kaera. I’m here, I’m right here. You’re not alone. You’re alright.” He soothed. 

Kaera let out another whimper and tears began to run down her cheeks as Aziraphale settled his hand against her head again, but this time the miracle didn’t work. 

Wordlessly, Aziraphale closed his eyes and when he opened them again, they were glowing with white light. A third eye had opened in the center of his forehead, seeing past this physical world, into realms that no human eyes would ever set sight on.

Her soul was in utter distress and her mind was in pieces. She was currently deep in a horrid nightmare, most likely a flashback or variation on whatever torture Hell had put her through. That certainly explained why ordinary miracles wouldn’t work.

Aziraphale closed and opened his eyes again, bringing back the clear blue ones he usually sported. As he pulled his chair towards the head of the bed, he let out a nervous sigh. He hadn’t done this in quite some time, and he had always been insecure about his voice, especially when compared to the archangels. But he was left with not choice.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

He took hold of Kaera’s hand again and began to sing.

“ _Early each day to the steps of St. Paul’s_  
_The little old bird woman comes_  
_In her own special way to the people she calls_  
_Come buy my bags full of crumbs_

_Come feed the little birds, show them you care_  
_And you’ll be glad if you do_  
_Their young ones are hungry, their nests are so bare_  
_All it takes is tuppence from you_

_Feed the birds, tuppence a bag_  
_Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag_  
_Feed the birds, that’s what she cries_  
_While overhead her birds fill the skies_

_All around the cathedral the saints and apostles_  
_Look down as she sells her wares_  
_Although you can’t see it, you know they are smiling_  
_Each time someone shows that he cares_

_Though her words are simple and few_  
_Listen, listen she’s calling to you_  
_Feed the birds, tuppence a bag_  
_Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag._ ” 

Slowly, the screams died down, the thrashing ended, the tears dried, leaving a peaceful smile over Kaera’s lips. Aziraphale kept his voice quiet and gentle but it still filled the whole room, as it had done when he had performed the miracle earlier. The entire time, he kept her hand clasped in his, trying to put as much peace behind his voice to make her feel safe. Near the end of it, though he could have been mistaken, he swore he felt a tiny squeeze come from the tips of her fingers. 

He set his hand on her forehead again, his palm glowing with a soft yellow light. The agony was leaving Kaera’s heart with every breath she took, he could sense it. It wouldn’t remove the trauma or the anxiety that would inevitably come with it, but it had brought her a moment of peace and would hopefully allow her mind a chance to heal, even if only a small amount. The moment she woke up, she would have to deal with the pain and the memories again, but for one moment, she could be calm and she could rest. She could be at peace. That was the best he could do for her for now. 

As the song ended and his voice faded from the room, she nestled her face against the pillow and Aziraphale sighed, relieved. With a small trace of a hopeful smile, he picked up the ointment and went back to tending the burns. 

Crowley had watched from the doorway as Aziraphale sang, resisting the urge to fall asleep where he stood as he listened. Aziraphale’s voice was warm and kind and he felt happy and at peace just listening to him. But there was also a bitterness to the happiness. The last time he had felt this calm and peaceful, he had been in Heaven, a different being living by a different name. 

He hadn’t heard an angel sing since he’d fallen and it sounded different to his demonic ears. He had avoided the idea because he worried that it would be similar to pouring holy water right into his ear or listening to someone say the “Our Father”. But to his surprise, it was beautiful. Soft and sweet and it completely enveloped him, surrounding him in warmth. It may have sounded different when he was an angel, but he didn’t appreciate it enough when he was in Heaven. It sounded plain to him then, just a usual part of his existence. Now it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard and he devoured every moment he could with the sweet music in his ears. 

When Aziraphale stopped singing, he felt an almost emptiness in his chest and he wanted to ask the angel to keep singing. It wasn’t just beautiful but it was genuine too and he almost wanted to cry, it was so lovely. 

No, _no_. None of that. Stop it, bad demon. You are evil and nasty, you _don’t_ shed tears at someone singing. 

To distract himself from his more treasonous thoughts and feelings, he tried to make himself useful by getting some more bandages and by tending to some of the spider bites on Kaera’s arms. 

“Thank you my dear, that’s quite helpful.” Aziraphale said. 

Crowley responded with a short, “Mmm,” before the room went back to silence again. 

When Aziraphale finished bandaging her feet, he set his hand against her forehead again, letting out another sigh of relief. 

“Her fever has gone down. It should break within a few hours.” He informed. Crowley responded with wordless nod, glancing at Kaera who was now sleeping soundly. 

“How long d’you think she’ll sleep?” Crowley asked. 

“Who’s to say?” Aziraphale answered, turning his attention to a rather concerning bite on her neck that looked like it came from a human. “But she needs her rest. She’ll wake up when she’s ready.” 

Kaera sighed sleepily and muttered something. 

A chill ran over Crowley. Snakes don’t have the best hearing but they are by no means deaf. Crowley wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly, or at least he hoped he hadn’t heard correctly, because it sounded like Kaera had murmured the name “Haniel”. A tightness and nauseating twist worked its way through Crowley’s body, a feeling of guilt that he had shoved to the back of his mind in hopes it would never see the light of day again. But that still didn’t stop the tremor from breaking over him. He wondered if, in addition to being beaten within an inch of her life, Kaera had also found out something she shouldn’t have. 

As he had grown used to doing, he pushed those less than pleasant feelings to the back of his mind and crammed them into a tiny box, choosing to ignore them completely and to focus all his attention on dabbing rubbing alcohol and antivenin on the bites. He took a few breaths to steady himself, hoping Aziraphale wouldn’t notice the quiver in them or the unsteadiness in his hands. 

_That_ was a problem for another day. He’d cross that bridge, or if he were being honest he’d set that bridge on fire and never speak of it again, when he came to it. Though of course, if Crowley _was_ being truthful, he also would have admitted that he was hoping he’d never have to come to it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though Aziraphale probably isn't the biggest fan of _The Sound of Music_ , it's my own personal belief that he loves Disney movies, especially the older ones, which is why he would choose to sing "Feed the Birds" to Kaera. (Also Crowley is a soft boi no matter what he may think)  
> Also also, has anyone seen the movie _The Secret of NIMH_? This chapter was heavily inspired by the "Flying Dreams" scene. Damn that movie makes me cry.  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my beta and for just being awesome. And thank you all for reading and have the loveliest of lovely days.


	31. Awake and Afraid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, vomiting, PTSD, flashbacks, panic attacks, and references to sexual assault and non consensual touching. Take care of your mental health

Kaera stayed asleep for three days with Aziraphale keeping constant vigil at her side, tending her injuries and keeping her mind calm. He used whatever miracle he could to make sure she slept and would sing to her or read to her when she became distressed or had nightmares but for the most part, she stayed silent.

As much as it pained him to admit, the peace would only last while she was asleep. Just as her injuries refused to heal without manual help, her memories and emotional pain wouldn’t go away without a fight. As he told Crowley before, he didn’t want to completely erase her memories but he did want to make sure that they didn’t cause her too much unnecessary suffering. Unfortunately, it was likely that it would all come back to her the second she opened her eyes

Aziraphale silently cursed himself. He had tried to help but he’d only done more harm.

It was the evening of the third day, Kaera was still sleeping soundly and Aziraphale was blotting the sweat from her forehead. Her fever had yet to break but it had gone down significantly. A creak from the floorboards pulled his attention and he looked up towards Crowley, who was standing in the doorway with a roll of bandages and a box of gauze.

“Thank you, love.” Aziraphale said, holding back a yawn. 

Crowley sat down on the other side of the bed, the mattress sinking beneath him.

“If you want to tap out, I can take over for a little.” He offered.

“That’s very kind, but I don’t want to leave her.” Aziraphale said, unpacking some of the gauze.

“Angel, you’re working yourself too hard. You’re no use to her if you can’t hold yourself together.”

Aziraphale ignored him as he pushed the edge of Kaera’s shirt up her torso, revealing the bandage, now soaked with blood. 

“That may be, but I still don’t want to risk leaving her in case something goes wrong. No offense dear, but you’ve got no formal medical training.” He picked at the bandage, carefully peeling it away revealing the slowly healing stitches underneath. 

“Neither do you.” Crowley said back.

“Not true. I thought I told about the Crimean War.” Aziraphale didn’t look up as he said it but Crowley got the feeling that if the angel had been looking up, he would have that annoyed glint in his eyes. Aziraphale gently cleaned the stitches again before picking up the scissors, cutting a large square out of the sheet of gauze.

“That was over 150 years ago, Angel. Besides, you need some rest. Look at you, your hands are shaking. If you’re not careful, you’re gonna cut a finger off!” 

Before Aziraphale could answer, a small gasp sounded and a sharp slap came across his hand. Kaera’s eyes were wide open and she was sitting up in bed, staring at them with utter fear on her face.

* * * * *

She didn’t remember much. It was all fuzzy. There were bits and pieces that came here and there but it was like trying to catch a puff of smoke. Your hand passes through it and though your skin feels the heat, the substance is nonexistent, your hand closes around nothing. Every time she thought she remembered something, it would slip away. She would feel frustrated, but only for a moment. Wherever she was, it was warm and she was at ease. Sometimes she could hear singing or a gentle voice speaking to her. She didn’t know what it was saying but hearing the voice made her sink deeper and deeper into herself.

It was almost felt like she was floating most of the time, like she was lying on top of a still lake, her body was weightless, a tether was tied around her, keeping her in place. Wait…was it still there? Where was it tying her to? The haze around her seemed to thin out as she thought this and she could hear voices somewhere in the distance. Something tightened in her chest, a connection coming from her and leading out into the darkness. With all her strength, she reached out for the connection, touching it and letting it seep into her skin. It ran through her, coursing through her blood and into her marrow, seeping through her bones, every cell and nerve. A breath came from her and the thick darkness around her thinned and disappeared. 

Her shield was gone. She was exposed. There was pain. There was so much pain, and fear, and humiliation and-

A sting came from her belly and a hand was touching her shirt. Touching her. 

Like a quick jolt through her body, the voices came into focus and she heard the tail end of a conversation.

“…gonna cut a finger off!” 

What?! Somebody was trying to hurt her! She hadn’t escaped! The pain and fear would still be there. She was still in Hell!

She opened her eyes and shot up, slapping the offending hand away before it could do anything. The first thing her eyes took focus on was a pair of gleaming scissors, poised and ready.

“No!” She shrieked, tumbling out of the bed and stumbling to her feet.

“Kaera dear, calm down. You-”

“You’re not going to trick me again!” She yelled as she burst from the room and took off running off down the hall. 

“Kaera stop!” The voice called. “You’ll hurt yourself!” 

She found herself in a bright hallway with cream colored walls. Hell was switching things up on her, well she would find a way out. No, she would make a way out. She ran to the end and bashed her fist into the wall.

“Augh!” Pain exploded up her arm again but no matter how she pounded, it just wouldn’t break. She didn’t have the energy to do more than scuff the plaster. Her nails dug at the wall, drawing blood but nothing worked. No no no! Where was the way forward? How could she-

“Kaera! Please listen to me!” She spun around to see Aziraphale coming towards her, her back flat agains the wall. She was trapped. The only thing to do was try to fight it.

“You stay away from me!” She shouted, raising her fists. “You’re not going to hurt me again! I won’t give you the chance!”

Aziraphale looked thoroughly confused. “Kaera I would never-”

“Don’t insult me by lying!” She snapped. “You’re not the real Aziraphale! You’re just a trick to try and kill me again! It won’t work!” The anger in her voice was only a thin disguise to the terror underneath and she was sure that this…whatever this was that looked like Aziraphale could sense it, but she wouldn’t give it the opportunity to take advantage of it. 

Aziraphale took a step forward and she pushed herself further against the wall. “Stay away!” She shouted. Aziraphale threw up his hands, a gesture of submission. Sure. Like she’d believe that. 

“Kaera, please, take a few breaths. Try and calm yourself. You’re safe. I swear nobody will-“

She didn’t hear the rest of his lies. A pounding in her ears made what he was saying sound like a dull mumble. There was a churning in her stomach and she began to feel woozy. The air suddenly became very hot and she sunk to her knees, before emptying to contents of her stomach onto the floor. 

“Kaera!” The gasp sounded far away, like someone had shouted it from the top of a mountain. She vomited a second time, her stomach feeling like it was on fire. A warm hand settled on her back and someone snapped their fingers, the sick vanishing from sight. Her breath was ragged and desperate, the taste of bile on her tongue.

“It’s alright,” a soft voice said. “Everything’s alright, just breathe.” 

The imposter was speaking to her. He was close. He was touching her back!

She shoved him away and scampered to the wall, pushing herself into the corner and pulling herself into a tight ball. She was absolutely terrified but now too weary to fight back. “If you come any closer, I’ll…I’ll…” she couldn’t let herself show any weakness but she was just too bloody tired and dizzy. 

The Aziraphale imposter lowered himself so he was sitting on the floor, a fair distance away from her.

“Kaera, nobody is going to hurt you, I promise.”

“You’re lying.” She snapped. “Your promises mean nothing.”

A look of pain passed over the imposter’s face before he regained himself and spoke in a soft gentle tone. “I swear to you, on my honor as Principality and Guardian of the Eastern Gate, upon the Grace of the Almighty, no harm will befall you in this house, nor anywhere you go while under our care.”

For a second the sincerity and passion of his voice almost drove her to believe him, but she pushed that away quickly. She had let her guard down once and she wouldn’t be making that mistake again. 

Well, he wasn’t doing anything, he was just sitting there. Maybe…no. Beelzebub had used this same trick on them when they took her. She had to keep her mind steady. 

Over the imposter’s shoulder, something moved. She looked up to see Crowley, standing in the hall, watching the two of them. The traitor. 

The terror was gone, it had twisted into a horrid rage as a growl emerged from her throat. He had to pay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Happy 1 year anniversary to the Good Omens Miniseries, thank you for giving me something new to obsess over and write fanfic about.  
> On a more serious note, I hope everyone is showing support for the brave people protesting police brutality. My heart goes out to the families of those lost and those who are standing up for what they think is right. I encourage everyone to donate to any of the charities set up for the families of those lost or to help with paying unfair bail and legal fees, such as the Minnesota Freedom Fund.  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my beta. Thank you all for reading, have a lovely day.


	32. Fury and Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD and references/ flashbacks of sexual assault
> 
> Also, a brief author's not before we get to the chapter. What happened to George Floyd, Tony McDade, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, David McAtee, Christian Cooper, and countless others is a horrible tragedy and America can't keep continuing to act like this is not a problem. If you have the means, I implore you to donate to the Minnesota Freedom Fund, George Floyd Memorial Fund, Justice for Breonna Taylor, I Run With Maud, The Bail Project, and any other charity or project that raises money for black men, women, and non binary folk who need support for bail and legal fees and to raise money to help aid the families of the people who were lost. If you don't have the financial means, then there are many petitions out there to help raise awareness and raise our voices against violence and white supremacy. Racism is not a thing of the past and we should not be silent until it is.

Words couldn’t describe her anger as she looked at Crowley. Here she was, having learned what he did, what a horrible creature he was, and he was just standing there! He had the nerve to stand there and stare at her! Didn’t he have any shame? 

The anger brought a small bit of strength back to her and she jumped to her feet and ran towards him, shoving the Aziraphale out of the way. The two watched her with shocked and terrified expressions as she lunged at Crowley and knocked him to the ground, her hand grasping his throat.

“It was you!” She screamed. “It was always you! It’s your fault! It’s because of you that they’re gone!”

Crowley’s eyes bulged with fear as she balled her hand into a fist, ready to strike. Before she got the chance, a pair of strong arms grabbed her around the middle, pulling her away from Crowley. “No! Let me go!” She screamed. For an angel of his stature, Aziraphale (or at least the imposter that looked like Aziraphale) was surprisingly strong. He was able to pick her up like she weighed practically nothing.

Crowley sat up, massaging his throat, still utterly confused. 

“You fucking bastard!” Kaera shouted as the imposter dragged her towards her room. “If I ever get my hands on you again, I’ll kill you! I swear to God, I’ll fucking kill you!” The last thing she saw before Aziraphale kicked the door closed was a mix of emotions coming over Crowley’s face; guilt, remorse, reluctant acceptance, and fear. Only a flash and then she saw no more of him.

As her anger released, the sensation of the arms around her took her attention. They were strong, holding her close.

The icy fear flooded her veins again and her body went numb as the memories came back to her. Hands on her naked body, rough lips trailing all down her neck. Feeling helpless, disgusting, used. She was rigid, she knew she should struggle to get away from this imposter but no matter how much she tried to move, her body wouldn’t listen and her mind was too busy whirling and breakneck speed to focus.

A sharp pain in her stomach and a rushing feeling briefly distracted her from her fear. Her shirt was wet and warm and she suddenly felt dizzy.

“Oh dear,” a distant voice said. “One of the stitches must have broke, I’ll have to redo them.”

Something pressed into her back and against her head. A bed? A pillow? She was lying down looking up at the ceiling. Quickly everything came back into focus. The imposter was next to her, rifling through a first aid kit. She looked around. The room looked remarkably like her room back in the cottage, some demon must have looked through her memories to make it look extra convincing. Even the scratch of the knitted blanket beneath her legs felt like home. Whoever did the detailing for the this particular trick needed a raise.

Warm, gentle fingers laid over her forehead, settling briefly before moving again. 

“Still feverish,” the imposter muttered as he picked up a rag and soaked it in a nearby bowl.

As soon as the fingers left her forehead, she sat herself up, hoping to escape, before the imposter put his hand on her shoulder, giving her a gentle push and guiding her to lay flat. 

“I won’t hurt you.” The imposter promised as he draped the wet rag on her forehead. “Everything will be alright.”

“I don’t believe you.” She said flatly. 

“I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do to show you that I speak the truth.” There was a hopelessness in his voice. For a moment she felt bad for him, before remembering that he meant to hurt her. He was just a poorly done copy of the real Aziraphale, just waiting for her to lower her guard. Her sympathy was wasted.

The imposter bit his lip as he threaded a needle.

“You’ll need to keep still for me, dear. This may sting.”

A hand took hold of her shirt, rolling the hem up slightly, revealing her bare stomach. The memories flooded through her again, the cold hands, the smell of sweat, her own body betraying her and producing that horrible unwanted moan as he asked her to scream for him again. The icy fear came back, along with a quick jolt of adrenaline through her veins. She needed to get out, she needed to get away!

She shoved the hand away, holding her arms out in front of her as a meager method of defense.

“Kaera, what in the-”

“Don’t touch me!” She shrieked. “Don’t you _dare_ touch me!”

“Kaera please, you’ll hurt-” 

She dove out of the bed and raised herself to her feet, prepared to fight. One hand was tightened into a fist and the other pulled into her chest, covering herself and clinging to her shirt, in case someone tried to remove it.

Aziraphale held up his hands again as he looked at her, watching her movements and her expression, his brows were knit together, they always did that when he was in thought. Kaera watched him carefully for any movement that might betray him and allow him to give way to an attack. 

Then, a light flickered behind Aziraphale’s eyes and he went pale. His jaw dropped and he looked horrified, like he would be sick at any second. When he turned his eyes back to her, she stiffened her arms, ready to defend herself, but instead of lunging at her or touching her in any way, the imposter just looked at her with his sad, horrified expression and he spoke, his voice nothing but a dull whisper.

“What did they do to you, love?”

“As if you don’t know.” She snapped, tightening her grip on her shirt. "As if you weren't watching as a stranger touched me, played with me like I was some cheap toy! As if you weren't there, showing me off to a crowd of people like a freak in a circus! As if you didn't see every cruel thing they did to me! Don't act like you care now when you and every other demon in Hell did everything to make sure I was as in as much pain as possible!" She could feel tears coming to her eyes, but she wouldn't let them go. She wouldn't let him see how vulnerable she was. She pushed it all into a small corner of her mind, locking it deep inside herself. The only thing she let show from behind the wall was anger. Complete and utter rage.

“I'm sorry,” he said, a little louder this time. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t think a few words will fix everything you did.” She said, this time it was her voice that was beginning to weaken. The blood was continuing to rush and she was beginning to feel woozy again.

The imposter fell silent again, a look of utter contemplation on his face. It was different than when Aziraphale was quiet. It was staggering. Usually when he wasn’t talking, he still filled the room with the essence of sound. Of someone being present. In that moment, he was silent. Everything around him was silent. He was so deep in thought that the world itself seemed to pause, as the two stood off in a wordless stalemate.

Another rush poured from the wound and Kaera began to sway, leaning against the wall.

“Kaera please-“

“Come any closer and I’ll…” her threat was cut short, morphing into a groan as she held her stomach and sucked in a ragged breath. In the midst of the pain, she could hear a gentle voice speaking out to her.

“Be not afraid.”

The breath she had been holding left her and the fear seeped out of her veins, leaving her tired, but also, strangely enough, calm. She settled against the wall, sliding down so she was sitting on the floor. Someone came close but didn’t touch her. The gentle voice she heard before sounded again.

“The next several days are going to be very trying for you, my dear girl. You’re going to have to be strong.” She was floating. Her body was off the ground like it was being carried. Her head was so foggy and she didn’t have the energy to care or be frightened anymore. She could feel herself slowly drifting, consciousness slipping through her fingers. 

“But we’ll be by your side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been doing very well mentally. The news of police brutality has just been so heartbreaking. All the news recently has made me want to cry. Writing has been helping me cope and channel my anger but honestly, I'm just so tired of all the violence.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading. Your comments and kudos are very much appreciated. Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta. Please stay safe everyone.


	33. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really intense. There's no violence or sexual assault, but it deals with a lot of really intense mental anguish and self hatred. Please take care of yourself.

Aziraphale reapplied the torn stitches and wrapped the newly fractured wrist in a much thicker bandage, as well as putting her entire right arm in a sling to keep her from further injuring it. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Crowley lurking in the doorway, peeking through the slight crack.

“It’s alright, Crowley, she’s asleep again.” Crowley opened the door further and crept inside. “Are you alright, dear? I tried to get her off you before she could do any real harm but I-”

“I’m alright.” Crowley assured. “It’s her I’m worried about.”

Aziraphale finished wrapping the sling around her neck and slipped her arm through it. For extra measure, he summoned a few extra pillows and made sure she was as comfortable as she could be.

“C’mon, Angel.” Crowley said, taking Aziraphale by the arm. “Let’s leave her be for right now.”

Aziraphale glanced back at Kaera, an anxious pang coming over him. “I don’t want to leave her for too long.”

“Aziraphale,” Crowley turned to face him. A brief tremor came over the demon’s hands and there was a slight twitch to his movements, not at all the casual swagger with which he usually carried himself. Through the dark lenses of the sunglasses, he could see the intensity of Crowley’s brilliant golden eyes. They were shocked and scared, but not at all surprised. “Trust me. I’ve seen this before. We should give her some space.”

Aziraphale wanted to argue, but seeing Crowley so worked up about this made him more than a little nervous. What did he mean he’d seen this before? The two silently walked down to the kitchen and set the kettle on to boil. Crowley sunk down into a chair at the kitchen table, Aziraphale joining him after pulling the box of teabags from the cupboard.

“Now will you please tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s sorta complicated.” Crowley muttered.

“Try to make me understand.” Aziraphale said gently. “Why is she so afraid of us?”

“I…I have a hunch.” Crowley said, biting his lip nervously. “I’m just hoping I’m wrong.” Aziraphale shifted in his seat, an uneasy pit opening up in his stomach, the look on Crowley’s face told him that this was far from a hunch but he was just trying to spare his feelings. “We know she was in Hell, right?”

“Well I don’t see how anyone on earth could have given her such horrible wounds or make her so terribly afraid.” Aziraphale thought aloud.

“You have too much faith in people.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Different conversation, different day. My point is I’ve seen this kind of behavior, this kind of fear and absolute panic and aggression from…” he paused and swallowed hard, lots of painful memories coming back to him, “from souls who attempted to leave Hell.”

Aziraphale looked confused. “That doesn’t seem like too much of a strain. I thought it was as simple as getting in an elevator, at least that’s how it was when I was let out-”

“You were given permission to leave. Besides, you were posing as a demon. Most of the time, demons don’t even need permission to leave. Regular souls on the other hand, or in Kaera’s case, beings that are only part demon, if they don’t have permission, they have to escape on foot. It’s what they witness on the outskirts of Hell that is…that they…it’s truly horrific.”

“Dear?” Aziraphale looked up at Crowley to see that he had his head in his hands, his eyes closed. 

“We force them to go through the worst things in the world to them! We comb through their minds and find their worst fears and darkest memories just to use them as tools to break them. Not a single soul is able to withstand the mental and physical torture we put them through. One fear, one nightmare, one horribly painful experience, one right after the other. And then we watch while they try and escape. We don’t get to see what they see, but we watch how they react. We hear them scream, fuck those screams are horrible. I can’t ever forget them.”

A tremor went through Crowley. Aziraphale got up from his seat and rushed to the demon’s side, setting an arm around his shoulder. “How do you know all this?” Crowley looked up to meet the angel’s eyes.

“Because I was always the one who did it to them.” He said softly. “A lot of folks down in Hell regard me for my creativity, so whenever a soul escaped, it was up to me to find what made them tick, what would break them, what would have them crawling back, not even able to string seven words together within the hour. And I did it. Every damn time, I always obeyed. I made them see such horrible things, loved ones turning on them, being buried up to their necks in scorpions, torn to pieces by lions. I did such deplorable things, Angel.” 

Aziraphale hugged Crowley tightly, his arms shaking a little. “It’s alright, my love.” He whispered. “You won’t have to go back, you won’t have to ever do that again.”

“You don’t understand,” Crowley muttered. “I’m not the victim here. I’m the perpetrator.”

“Dear, you were doing your job. You had to do it in order to survive.” Aziraphale gently stroked the demon’s hair. “But it’s clear you took no joy in it. It was just as much a punishment for you as it was for them. It’s just awful that you were forced to do it.”

Crowley felt a twinge of guilt. Of course he took no glee in torturing people, but he still did it anyway. He was a demon after all. Being a rotten bastard was just who he was and no amount of heart to hearts were going to change that. Part of him wanted to tell the angel that even though he took no glee in it, it wasn’t a punishment either. It was far from a picnic, but he never felt bad for any of the escaped souls. They were under his jurisdiction, the demon and the damned. And he knew how fucked up that was. But he was a demon. Fucked up was just part of his being. 

What he _definitely_ wasn’t going to mention was how disturbing the aftermath of it all was. He didn’t want Aziraphale feeling sorry for him. He didn’t deserve his sympathy. But, every time he was told to “take care” of any soul that had escaped, he had always been there to…welcome them back. It was always inevitable. They’d face however many tortures until they couldn’t stand it anymore, turn around and be dragged back. The elevator doors would open and the soul would crumple out, covered in scars, wounds, burns, anything Crowley’s fucked up imagination could think of, and mumbling gibberish to themselves. Some of them would lash out, attack anyone who came near them, screaming like enraged animals. There was always a blank look in their eyes as they couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t anymore. 

The only word to describe them was broken. They were shattered corpses, reflections of what they used to be and they’d never be put back together in the same way again. And every time they fell out from behind those elevator doors, Crowley would always feel his stomach drop. He would look at what he did, what he caused, and feel genuinely disturbed. He never felt bad for the souls, but he saw what he was capable of and just wanted to vomit. He thought of all the people on earth, the humanity that he loved and considered himself a part of and saw what he could do to them. With just a snap of his fingers, a single expanse of his power, he could reduce them all to shivering shadows. He never felt bad for the ones who deserved it, but he thought of the ones who didn’t. The ones who were still living their lives, and the wonderful chance they had to choose to do good or evil. They could all very well end up down in Hell, at his mercy, and he wouldn’t feel bad for them. Holy fuck, what was _wrong_ with him?

When he had sensed Kaera’s aura, he also felt something familiar. The same fear, panic, and utter brokenness that came with crawling out. And that had disturbed him to no end. What was even worse, he knew it was his fault. He may not have been associated with Hell anymore, but that didn’t stop them from using his ideas. He had been hoping to anyone above or below who might have been listening that he was wrong, that his senses were just out of practice, but as soon as he saw Kaera curled up under the hydrangeas, shivering, wounded, and ill, as soon as he heard her scream in panic for the first time, looking at Aziraphale like he would kill her at any moment, he knew. She had done nothing to deserve that kind of torment, all she had done was try to exist peacefully and…bless it he cared about her. Even if it was only a little, he still cared. Yet she still writhed in pain and screamed in terror because of his work. Every time he looked at her, not only was he disturbed by what he had done, but he was reminded of what a failure he was. Of the promise he failed to keep.

The kettle began whistling and Aziraphale stood and began to prepare one cup of earl grey tea and one cup of black tea. After thinking for a brief moment, he got a third cup and a third teabag, this one chamomile, and poured the water.

“So you believe that’s why she’s so angry with you?” Aziraphale asked as he passed the black tea to Crowley.

Crowley shook his head. “It _would_ explain why she’s so scared of you though.” He said as Aziraphale dropped a lump of sugar into his own tea. “They must have made her think you were trying to hurt her in some way.”

“But what about you, dear?” Aziraphale asked. “Wouldn’t she be just as afraid of you? Wouldn’t they have made her believe that you wished to hurt her as well? After all, she cared for us both before she ran away, wouldn’t they have used that?”

Crowley sighed, gripping the sides of his mug. “That’s not why she’s angry with me.”

“Then why is she?”

Crowley groaned, his hands gripping the mug tighter. “I can’t tell you.”

“Try me.” Aziraphale challenged as reached for the third cup of tea, stirring in a spoonful of honey. “I won’t be angry.”

Crowley’s hands were gripping the mug so tightly it was a wonder it hadn’t broken. “It’s not that you won’t be angry, you will by the way. But, it’s just…I can’t tell you.”

“I wasn’t angry with you when you burned down the Library of Alexandria, was I?” Crowley rolled his eyes. For someone who wasn’t angry, he still loved bringing it up to tease him. “Dearest, if we want to help her recover, we’ll need as much information as possible.”

“Aziraphale this is different. This is something really unforgivable-”

He was interrupted by a panicked scream. Aziraphale began running up the stairs towards the source of the sound. Crowley followed close behind, hoping nothing had happened, but a sickening feeling in his chest told him he was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you liked this chapter. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty proud of that internal monologue Crowley has.  
> I hope you all have been doing well. I've been...well as okay as I can be. Some of you may have read the work I posted the other day based on an argument I had with my family. We've all moved past it but it's still sitting heavy with me. I'm feeling pretty tired, emotionally. But, writing is keeping me sane. If there's anything good going for you or there's just something that makes you happy, feel free to comment about it, I'd love some good news.  
> Many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta and friend. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	34. Isolation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD, disturbing thoughts and imagery, and panic attacks. Please take care of your mental health.

Kaera opened her eyes to a somewhat familiar room. It looked just like her bedroom at the cottage, but something was slightly off. She couldn’t put her finger on what exactly it was but she had a feeling that she couldn’t quite ignore.

Her stomach growled loudly and she realized she hadn’t had anything to eat for two and a half weeks. Of course she didn’t need food so she wasn’t ravenously hungry or close to death (well that was up for debate, but not from starvation) but her body was still used to food so going without it for a long time made her rather sluggish.

She got out of the bed and went over to the door, setting her hand over the knob. To her horror, it wouldn’t turn. The door was locked. The window. She could try the window.

She spun around but all she found was a blank wall. There was nothing, no window, no crack, no crevice, absolutely nothing. The room was suddenly bare, her bed had disappeared. The door was still there but it was locked. Her _only_ means of escape and it wouldn’t work.

‘ _Okay, don’t panic,_ ’ She thought. ‘ _Someone might be out there. They’ll come and find me._ ’

There was no way to move forward and she honestly didn’t want to go back, so the only thing to do was wait.

At first it wasn’t too bad. Whatever bits of her mind that hadn’t blown off into the evening wind found a way to keep her busy, thinking about some of the stories and songs she would tell and sing to some of the other children in the orphanage, that is until they discovered what a freak she was and all decided to turn on her.

No, no, no. Think of something different.

She tried to calm the more frightening thoughts by pacing around the room. She kept walking, even as her legs began to ache, she paced until the bandages wore away. Bloody footprints trailed in circles on the wooden floor.

After five straight days of pacing, she sat down in the corner, desperate for some kind of distraction, some mental way out. She began to almost fear the dull gray room. It seemed to grow around her, swallow her whole. She felt so incredibly small in the room until she was just a speck of dust floating in the corner.

As the days continued to pass at a frightful pace, she felt more and more of her sanity run away with them. One day she found herself walking in a circle, her fingernails cracked and bloody from digging them into the wall. Another day she woke up with her head squashed into one corner. She didn’t remember laying down to sleep. The details were all blurred together like mud mixing with river water. The days went faster and faster…at least she assumed. There was no way to tell aside from when she would lay down to sleep and wake up again, but that could have been anywhere between five minutes and five days. And the faster they went, the more she forgot, the more she missed. How did she end up in the corner? Why was she standing in the middle of the room? Her clothes became ragged, her hair trailed down her back, a tangled dirty mess.

The hunger in her stomach and the hollow, horrible numbness in her mind was unbearable. If somebody would just unlock the door, even just to say two words for her, give her mind something to focus on and devour other than the horrid loneliness. She despised her mind, she hated her own company.

She sunk to the floor, her fists banging against her head. The voices began whispering in her mind and they wouldn’t stop. She wanted someone to talk to, but that wasn’t what she meant. She missed the sound of voices in her ears and not in her head. She hadn’t even heard her own voice for months now! Her voice. Maybe if she heard something from her own mouth, that might alleviate some of the horror in her mind.

She took a breath and let out a mighty scream. It shook her entire body but the sound was so glorious. She let out another one. So beautiful.

Another sound distracted her. The sound of a door opening.

Aziraphale…no that wasn’t the real Aziraphale, that was just the imposter. The imposter appeared in the doorway and rushed over to her, kneeling on the floor next to her.

“Kaera, what’s happened?” He said urgently.

“Don’t pretend to care about me now.” She snapped.

“What? What on earth do you mean?” The imposter looked utterly confused and a little hurt.

“I know you’re not the real Aziraphale, I know this is still Hell.”

“Dear, I _am_ the real Aziraphale-”

“Don’t lie to me!” She shouted, pointing a shaking finger at him. “You left me locked in here alone for five months! The real Aziraphale would never do that to me!”

“Five months?” The imposter sounded appalled. “I would never…it’s only been seven minutes…”

Seven minutes? No that was…Was it…? But her hair, her clothes…

She ran her fingers through her hair only to find that it was back to it’s original length, hanging just below her shoulders, although still tangled and dirty. Her clothes were still whole and the bandages still wrapped tightly around her feet.

It was all a trick…a hallucination?

This had to still be Hell…but…no…wait what if it wasn’t? It didn’t feel like the usual tortures. Was it just her own mind? No it had to be Hell…right?

She gripped her hair, rocking back and forth. “This is just another trick. Not real, none of this is real.”

The imposter slowly scooted a little closer to her, a compassionate but still worried expression on his face. “This is real, love. _I’m_ real.” He reached out a hand to her but hesitated. “May I touch your shoulder?” He asked.

“No.” She snapped.

“Alright.” He said, pulling his hand away. “But please listen to me. You’re somewhere safe, with people who care about you. Who’ll help you through whatever is going on in your mind. You’re going to be okay.”

She gripped her hair again. “You’re _not_ the real Aziraphale.” She growled.

The imposter took another small scoot towards her, so he was sitting next to her, but instead of trying to strangle her or grab her, he simply held out his hand. “You be the judge of that.”

She stared at the hand, waiting for something to happen, for two minutes straight. But the hand stayed still, waiting for her to make the first move.

A brief flash of warmth bloomed from her pendant. It was weak but it was there.

Warily, she set her hand on his, taking in the gentle, calloused but still softness of his palm and the wrinkled skin of his fingers. It was familiar. Every detail of the hand was something she’d experienced before.

No, no it was just Hell looking through her mind.

But…but still. Aziraphale had taken her hand several times, to offer her comfort, and she had grown used to the feel of it. And it felt exactly like the hand she was touching now. What was more, there was a comfort to it. Hell was good at replicating many things that they didn’t mean; warmth, kindness, sincerity, but comfort wasn’t one of them. The hand moved and she flinched, but didn’t move away. The fingers curled around her hand, holding it and offering her the same comfort that she hadn’t had for a long time.

“Pretty good trick,” She murmured, a slight tease in her voice.

Aziraphale chuckled warmly as he let go of her hand and snapped his fingers, a mug of steaming tea appearing.

“This might help calm you down, if you’d like.” He offered.

“What’s in it?” She said, eyeing the mug. “Cyanide? Arsenic?”

“Nothing of the sort,” he said calmly. “Just chamomile and honey.”

Not like he’d admit it. “I don’t believe you.”

“Well, then I’ll show you.” He lifted the mug to his lips and took a sip. Kaera waited for him to keel over or start coughing, but nothing happened. He still looked perfectly healthy as he held the mug out to her. She didn’t want to drink it, but Aziraphale…the imposter…Aziraphale might get mad at her and try to hurt her again if she didn’t obey, so she took the mug and brought it to her lips.

The steam rising from the cup brushed against her face. There was heat. Lots of heat. Fire, devouring her body. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. The flames and burning iron dancing in her throat and ripping her apart from the inside out.

Beads of sweat dripped down her neck and face and her arms began to shake.

Gentle, steady hands took the mug from her and set it on the floor.

“You don’t have to drink it if you do not wish to. Do not force yourself.”

“I…I c-can’t…” she gasped.

“May I take your hands again?” Aziraphale asked. She found herself nodding and her shivering hands were enveloped in warmth, the comforting sense in the wrinkled skin came over her again. “Take some deep breaths for me, my dear.” A shaky breath entered her body and left. Then a second, slightly steadier than the first. A calming smile appeared in her sight. “There we are.”

A flash of red caught her eye. _He_ was there, standing in the doorway. The demon traitor.

Kaera yelled as she grabbed the mug and hurled it at him. Crowley looked terrified for a moment before pulling the door closed. The mug hit the wood and shattered, sending tea and bits of porcelain every which way. She wouldn’t let him get away with it.

She leapt to her feet and made a mad dash for the door when a pair of hands took a gentle but still firm hold on her arm.

“Kaera! Please stop it!” Aziraphale swiveled them around so he was standing between her and the door with his hands on her shoulders. He was standing between her and the traitor! He was going to get away.

“Move!” She demanded.

“Please tell me what’s going on!”

“He needs to die for what he did!” She yelled.

“What did he do?” Aziraphale said, raising his voice. She could hear the concern and utter terror in his tone. “What could he have done that was so horrible that you feel he deserves to die?”

“He sold out my parents!” She screamed. “ _He’s_ the one who told Hell about them! _He’s_ the whole reason Haniel and Azazel are gone! It’s _his_ fault!”

Aziraphale went pale, his face becoming blank and expressionless. Though Kaera couldn’t see it, Crowley was on the other side of the door listening. He’d heard her scream the one thing he’d hoped Aziraphale would never find out. The words sent a sharp pain through him. There was no way either of them would forgive him, even look at him the same way again. Not after knowing what he’d done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Thank you kindly for reading.  
> So a bit of an announcement/shoutout. I've been looking up artists on instagram and some are taking donations for BLM charities for sketch commissions. I wanted all you guys to know because 1) These artists are SUPER talented and very kind, and 2) It's for a good cause. Even if you don't want the art, I still encourage you to donate to help fight police brutality and help bring equal rights and treatment.  
> I've already commissioned a few pieces for Godfathers and was thinking of doing a gallery chapter as sort of an art break in the future. For now, I'll just show the lovely pieces these incredibly talented artists have done down here in the author notes  
> Credit to Instagram user @theeyjayy
> 
> As always, many many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my beta. Go check out their work, they are so talented. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	35. Hesitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of death/references to killing oneself. Please take care of your mental health

Aziraphale didn’t know what to think. A sickening numbness swept through him, like a lightbulb that had blown a fuse. Physically, he was still there but his mind didn’t know where it had gone. Crowley was his partner, his deepest and truest friend, and he loved him dearly, more than he loved his own existence. But Haniel and Azazel had been close friends as well. Aside from Crowley, they had been his only friends on earth…his only friends anywhere really, since Heaven wasn’t too friendly to him (or to Haniel now that he thought about it). 

Haniel had been a fellow principality, they had been created shortly after Aziraphale had and he had a powerful bond with them, they were his younger sibling and they’d protected each other fiercely. And they had also played witness to what a…what an ass Gabriel could be (he still felt odd admitting that, even to himself). They had been bright and friendly but they also had a fiery temper and a real passion for everything they did. And unlike Aziraphale, they hadn’t shown any weakness or cowardice. While he had always been a stammering mess any time he had to speak with any of the archangels, Haniel was able to speak without any hesitation or fear in their voice. They knew better than to say what they really thought to anyone but him, they likely would have been severely punished or even fallen for some of the things they thought about Gabriel, but they still owned up to what they thought, even if he was the only one listening. They were honest and strong. They were the first to know about his feelings for Crowley. He didn’t even have to tell them, they just looked at him one day, with the most mischievous and smug look an angel could possibly muster and said, “You’re in love with Crowley, aren’t you?” If they had been any other angel, they would have reported Aziraphale before he could even blink. But instead they supported him, though they were a little frustrated whenever he refused to confess. Aziraphale never could figure out why Haniel had been so sympathetic and understanding to his situation…until he found out about Azazel.

They had been Crowley’s friend before Aziraphale had met them, but the two still had a bond, not as strong as the bond he had with Crowley or Haniel, but a strong bond nonetheless. Aziraphale appreciated their carefree and easygoing attitude, a rare trait to find in someone who lived somewhere as horrible as Hell. It was almost refreshing in a way, to know someone who was so genuinely relaxed, but also quite the scoundrel. While Crowley’s idea of “winning souls for Hell” was nothing more than an irritating inconvenience, Azazel simply felt it prudent to just give someone a suggestion and see if they stuck to it. It could hardly be classified as a temptation, but Azazel felt that if people wanted to do something bad, they’d come to it themselves. Unlike Crowley, they didn’t take credit for human atrocities. They didn’t take credit for any atrocity really. They stayed perfectly on the line between acceptable and unacceptable in Hell’s eyes, flying under the radar, doing their job without further losing themself. Aziraphale truly admired that about them.

Haniel and Azazel balanced each other out. Haniel’s fiery temper and and absolute passion and Azazel’s laidback disposition canceled out perfectly and even though most couples of similar natures possibly would not have made it, the relationship between Haniel and Azazel thrived. But they both knew what a fine line they were walking and how it was only a matter of time until that line was cut.

When Aziraphale had found out that Haniel had been destroyed by Hellfire and Azazel by holy water, it had crushed him and the fact that he wasn’t allowed to openly mourn for traitors to kin made it even worse. Even when one of those traitors was his sibling and the other had been close to family to him as well. He had somehow been able to continue with his life but the pain was still there, an old ache in his chest that had been sitting dormant for nearly forty years.

What was even more, Kaera was their daughter and he hadn’t known. He suspected as soon as he met her, after all, how many other demon/angel couples had there been? He and Crowley had _certainly_ never had any children, nor did they plan to, so she had to have been Haniel and Azazel’s child. But now he had confirmation. They only child of two of his closest friends and he hadn’t known of her existence until two and a half months ago. She’d been alone for years, not knowing about her lineage or her abilities, and he hadn’t been able to help her.

Now that he was looking at her, knowing what he knew, the resemblance became even more obvious. She had Azazel’s eyes, yellow with flecks of red, as if there were a thin sheet of red parchment over golden irises. She had Haniel’s upturned nose and yellow hair, though their hair had been clear and golden while Kaera’s was dirty blonde with brown highlights that she most certainly got from Azazel. She had Azazel’s somewhat rounded cheeks and soft jawline. The more he looked at her, the more of them he saw. Not just in appearance, but in temperament. Whenever Haniel became irritated or angry, usually when they got in an argument with Crowley, they had a tendency to slightly glow with Holy Light. Though it was much more subtle, there was a very soft ring of light around Kaera, like she was standing under a fading streetlamp. She was their child through and through.

Crowley had known and he hadn’t told him. What’s more, he was the reason they were gone. He was the reason their only child was an orphan. No, no there must be some kind of mistake.

He glanced at Crowley through the slightly open door, catching a glimpse of his golden eyes before they looked down to the floor, wracked with guilt.

There had to be an explanation, there had to be something. He wouldn’t do something so horrible…

Aziraphale let go of Kaera’s shoulders before walking to the door and out into the hallway.

“Angel, you have to believe me-”

“Please don’t say anything.” Aziraphale said flatly. “I need to think.”

“Angel-”

“I need to think.”

Crowley watched as Aziraphale slowly walked down the hall and into the study, closing the door behind him. Once he was alone, he sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands.

* * * * *

Crowley had hoped this would never happen. He wasn’t at all proud of what he’d done but he was more than happy to keep it hidden for the rest of eternity. He prided himself on being a particularly good liar and he hadn’t planned on letting anything slip, but he also hadn’t planned on Kaera finding out on her own, yet she had despite his best efforts to keep the secret hidden.

Demons weren’t supposed to feel things like remorse or guilt, similar to not being supposed to feel love. They were beings of pure evil and if they felt sorry for doing something wrong, it was as bad as having a desire to do something good. Despite the fact that he wasn’t supposed to feel guilt, Crowley was riddled with it.

Azazel had been labeled a traitor for loving an angel but Crowley was as much of a traitor as they were, even more in fact. He knew what a shit demon he was, yet they were gone and he was still here. Every time he thought of their last words to him, he wanted to scream.

_“Keep our secret safe, Crowley.”_

Now he’d let them down again. He’d let them both down. He’d let her down. 

As soon as Aziraphale disappeared, Kaera looked at him, shaking with rage.

“You.” She growled. Once again, she lunged at him and knocked him to the ground. “You took everything away from me!” She screamed. Crowley struggled to get her off him but she had her arm pressed tightly against his throat, her bony wrist pinning him to the floor. Her hand was clenched into a tight fist. He waited for the strike to come but it never did. Kaera was sitting there, her arm shaking but she didn’t move. Her eyes were filled with fury, but there was something else as well: doubt. A kind of question that confuses you so greatly that you question your own intelligence

She didn’t want to kill him.

He could sense the anger radiating off her, but the pain didn’t drive her to kill. She was hurting so badly that she didn’t know what to do, so she took that as a sign to eliminate the cause of her pain, in hopes that might get it to stop. But she didn’t want that. Not really. She wanted the pain to end but she didn’t want to kill him. Crowley could practically smell the conflict and rage and he was sure if he looked into her eyes hard enough, deep enough to see past all the walls she had put up, he’d see a much smaller version of Kaera, running around in circles.

Kaera cringed and pushed herself off Crowley, marching angrily back into her room.

“You stay away from me!” She growled.

“You hold on a minute!” Crowley shouted, rising from the floor and following her into her room. He knew something distressing was going on in her mind and he was determined to get her through it, it wouldn't even come close to making it up to her but it was a start. But they were both so stubborn and hotheaded that it likely wouldn't get far. He had an idea, but he was just a tad nervous to do it. Still, he took a breath and went for it anyway. “If you want to threaten to kill me, then do it right.”

He reached into his jacket and pulled out a water bottle. Kaera’s eyes widened.

“Is that-”

“Holy water? Yep.”

“Where did you-”

“Aziraphale. He has some in case of an emergency. So, you have a weapon, I’m right here. Go for it.”

He tossed her the bottle. She caught it as if someone had tossed her a bomb and then immediately threw it to the floor. “What is your problem?” Kaera shot him an angry look. “Do you _want_ to die?”

“Not particularly. Do _you_ want to kill me?” 

“Yes!” She answered, a little too quickly. The doubt was still there.

“Alright, here I am. Kill me.” He stood in the center of the room, holding his arms out.

Kaera put her hands on her head, gripping her hair. “Stop it!” She yelled.

“Then listen to me.”

“Why should I listen-“

“You’re not in Hell anymore.” Those five words made her pause. She’d heard them many times in the past few days, but this time something about them felt different. Maybe the fact that they were coming from a demon. It didn’t sound like how the other demons spoke to her. There was something about his voice that was sincere. Then again, she wasn’t very good at reading people. For all she knew, he was still lying to her, trying to get her guard down. “You’re not in Hell. You’re back in England. You’re in the cottage. You’re in your bedroom. You’re with people who care about you. You. Are. Safe. I understand that you’re angry, you have every right to be. If you want to kill me, then kill me. I won’t stop you. But will killing me ease the pain?” He asked it so casually, as if he were asking if she wanted milk or sugar in her tea, not something as heavy as whether or not she wanted to kill him. Her whole body was shaking and her mind was running around in circles.

“Yes.” She said, less certain this time. She ran her fingers through her hair. “No…maybe?” A noise escaped from her that was like a very weak shout. “What are you trying to do to my head?!” She screamed. “I’m so angry and I want you to pay but I feel like if I kill you, it’ll be the wrong thing to do! Killing you is the only option that makes sense but it’s the only option that I can’t bring myself to do! I’m so horribly confused so I’m just hoping none of this is really happening and that I can just ignore everything before I do something I regret!”

Crowley noticed a subtle twitch in her face, like she was tightening her muscles. There were tiny pinpricks of tears in her eyes but she was doing everything in her power to keep them from falling. She also looked exhausted. Aziraphale had helped her to sleep several times, but it was clear that being miracled to sleep and actually getting the rest she needed weren’t the same thing. “Everything is just so confusing and I know something horrible is going to happen. That one of you is going to hurt me again. Or kill me, I don’t know!”

“Kaera,” Crowley spoke softly, “I know you don’t trust me, but please listen. Neither of us want to hurt you. Aziraphale has been treating your wounds and taking care of you for days now. He wants you to be okay. I want you to be okay.”

“Why do I not believe you?” She challenged.

Crowley sighed heavily. “Because you know what I did. And because of all the horrible things you saw when you were crawling out.”

Kaera’s expression changed for a brief moment, a flash of confusion before going back to the exhausted rage. “How did you-“

“You had to see awful things, feel awful things happening to you. Now you doubt yourself, you doubt everything around you. I know. And…” he gulped, as if he doubted the words he was about to speak. “…and I’m sorry. Both for what you had to see and for what I did. It hardly fixes the damage, but I am sorry.”

Those were the last words she ever expected to hear coming out of Crowley’s mouth. No, no this wasn’t right, he was a traitor, he practically delivered her parents to their deaths on a sliver platter. A simple “sorry” wasn’t going to do anything. But it still sent something through her. A tight pain, almost like remorse. It confused her, it terrified her. Why should she even bother listening to him? He probably didn’t mean it.

He had taken off his glasses and she could see the pain and regret in his golden eyes.

He meant it. He actually meant it. The damn snake was actually sorry for once in his pitiful existence. It almost made Kaera want to laugh. Everything was a rushing whirlwind inside her. There was nowhere else for the confusion, anger, terror, and absolute pain to go, bubbling up inside her like a pot of water, getting ready to boil over. And she was tired. So, so tired.

“Kaera!” Crowley yelled.

How did she end up on the floor?

Crowley rushed over to her. Her knees had buckled and she had collapsed so suddenly, it must have been taking all her strength just to stay on her feet. Now she was on the floor, quivering and struggling to keep her eyes open. “C’mon, I gotta get you to bed.” He knelt down and gently pulled her into his arms. 

“Put me down.” She mumbled.

“You’re exhausted. You need to sleep, right now.”

Kaera was too tired to argue, and her dignity was in shambles, no use fighting it. 

Crowley set her down on the mattress and pulled the blanket over her. He thought she’d fallen asleep, but as he began to tiptoe out, she set her hand on his arm. 

“Why?” She murmured, not even opening her eyes. “Why did you do it?’

“Why did I…?”

“Why did you report my parents to Hell?” She asked firmly, sitting up.  
Crowley thought for a moment, looking for the right words, but if he had tried to explain his reasoning verbally, they’d be there all night. Finally, he sighed and sat down on the bed across from her. She bristled, visibly agitated to have him so close to her, but stayed where she was. “I think it would be better if I showed you.  
Would you let me?”

Kaera thought for a moment, wondering if it would be safe, but after a few moments, she reluctantly nodded. Crowley took a breath and set two fingers in the center of her forehead and the two were lost in a swirl of memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope everything has been going well for you all. I got like zero sleep last night and I'm **super fucking tired** but other than that, I've been doing pretty well. I've been thinking of doing an art update so I've been drawing quite a bit. I also started beta-ing for a lovely lass by the name of KitKatPro, go check out her work, it's awesome.  
> How have your lives been going? I hope everything is going just "tickety-boo".  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my beta. They just started work on a sequel to their "Addicted to You" series that should be going up really soon, go check it out.  
> Thank you ever so much for reading. Please continue to stay safe and healthy and have a lovely day.


	36. Memories of the Demon (Part 1)

1781

Crowley sat on a little stool in the corner of a tavern in England. Most people were at home mourning lost loved ones or at their local church asking God why they had lost the war. Crowley found it mildly amusing, he knew full well that She wasn’t going to do anything. He honestly hadn’t expected America to win, now he owed that Lafayette fellow fifty pounds and a barrel of wine. He wasn’t necessarily sad, just a little surprised. The bastards actually managed to pull it off.

“Well if it isn’t old Snake-Eyes.” A voice behind him said. Crowley turned to see a person in a black and grey coat with dark hair pulled into a tail. They carried a cane with a stone on the top the same shade of light red as their eyes. Crowley grinned.

“Nice to see you, Goat-face.” He held out his hand and Azazel shook it. Their nicknames for each other seemed on the surface to be out of malice, but each knew the other didn’t mean it. And Azazel was far from goat faced (Crowley only called them that because “Azazel” translated to “the scapegoat” in some languages). “What have you been up too?”

“Just got back from America. Boy the parties they’re having over there!” Azazel grinned. “What are you doin’ in England? It’s so dull over here.”

“Thought I’d indulge myself in a little post-war melancholy.” He held up his empty glass. “Care to join me?”

Azazel sat on the stool next to him. “Only if you’re buying.” Crowley flagged down the bartender and asked for two pints of ale.

“So did you have anything to do with the war at all?” Crowley asked as he took a swig. “Head office didn’t send you here to stir up any revolutionary ideas?”

Azazel shook their head. “Nobody told me to do anything. I just chose to come up here and have some fun.”

Crowley chuckled. “What’d you do?”

“Just thought it’d be funny to have that Hamilton bloke lead his own command. Gave Washington the idea myself.”

“Why is that funny?” Crowley asked. 

“Kid’s ambitious.” Azazel explained. “I wanted to see how he’d do, see how he’d handle the responsibility. Did better than I thought he did, but I tell you in a few years he won’t be able to handle it.”

Crowley took another sip. “Thirty quid says he cheats on his wife.”

Azazel raised an eyebrow. “That’s a bit random. Why are you making a bet like that?”

“You said it yourself, the kid’s ambitious. I just wanna see if that power goes to his head. Thirty quid?”

Azazel grinned. “You’re on. But no tempting him yourself.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Azazel finished their ale. “Are you sure you should be making bets? I heard about the one you lost with Lafayette.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Are you joking? He was marching around camp boasting about the victory and that he one his bet.”

“How did you know it was me he was talking about?”

“You have a bit of a tendency to make ill fated bets. Because you’re an idiot.” Crowley rolled his eyes. “How’s that angel of yours?”

Crowley counted himself lucky that Azazel was the one to find out about his friendship with Aziraphale rather than someone like Hastur or Beelzebub. He wasn’t sure why, by all accounts, they should have reported him in a heartbeat but once they found out, they’d just looked at him and sighed, like they were hiding something. Maybe if they were both up for it, he’d introduce them and they could all go for a drink sometime.

Crowley took another sip, emptying his tankard. “He’s doing pretty well, haven’t seen him since before the revolution started, though.”

“That’s a shame.” Azazel said. “Care to hang around my place? I’ve got some wicked gossip on Ligur.”

“Fuck yeah!”

1862

Crowley angrily stormed up to his flat, not wanting to admit how hurt he was. Fraternizing? Is that all Aziraphale saw their arrangement as? And here he was, the fool who thought that he actually had a decent friendship going, he thought the angel actually enjoyed seeing him. Just showed what he knew. Why would anyone want to associate at all with a foul, horrible, evil, demon like him?

As soon as he got into his flat, he slammed the door behind him, leaning against it and trying as hard as he could not to scream in frustration.

Who was he fooling? Aziraphale was too perfect, too wonderful, too good to ever want to be around the likes of him.

He was just an idiot. A stupid, lovestruck idiot.

“Whoa, didn’t expect you to be so bent out of shape, Snake-Eyes. Tough day?”

Crowley opened his eyes to see Azazel lounging on the couch, a flask in their grip, one of their arms in a sling.

“How’d you get in?” Crowley asked.

“Rude.” Azazel chuckled. “Door was open. Let m’self in.” 

Crowley flopped down onto the couch with an exasperated sigh.

“What happened to _you_?” Crowley asked, eyeing his friend’s arm.

Azazel looked down at their bound limb and shrugged. “Not important.” They said. Crowley eyed them but let it go. He was too emotionally worn out for another  
confrontation. “I should be asking you the same question.”

“Just an argument. No big deal.” Crowley said.

“You’re full of it, Snake-Eyes.” Azazel chided. They though for a moment before their face fell slightly. “Was it Aziraphale?” They asked.

“No.” Crowley lied. Azazel gave them a look. “Yes.” He admitted.

They passed him the flask and he took a long sip, letting the burn of the alcohol distract him from the pain in his chest. “What happened?” They asked.

“I asked for something and he overreacted.” Crowley didn’t think it was a good idea to tell Azazel that he’d asked for holy water. They were lax, but not that lax. “He told me he was worried that he’d get in trouble for… ‘fraternizing’.” Crowley took another swig and crossed his arms.

“Yikes.” Azazel said. They took note of his sour expression. “It’s okay to miss him, y’know.” 

“Azazel, we’re demons. We’re not supposed to have close friendships, especially not with angels.” A brief look of fear passed over his friend’s face before it went back to neutral. “Why do you even bother with me? Demon’s aren’t supposed to be so trusting, or so comforting.”

“Because, Crowley, you’re my friend, rules be damned. You were my friend before we fell, you were my friend after. I know you hate being a demon as much as I do.” They glanced over their shoulder, making sure no one was listening. “Neither of us meant to fall. So if you can find a little bit of happiness in this existence, I say you should go after it.”

Crowley let out another heavy sigh and plopped himself down on the couch. 

“Maybe you should take a few years too cool off.”

“Yeah.” Crowley agreed. “I needed a nice long nap anyway.”

Azazel stood to let themself out but briefly looked back at Crowley. “Things’ll work out.”

1955

Azazel was oddly quiet. Crowley hadn’t seen them so subdued and so tense. They looked like they’d fall over in a strong wind, stiff as a board.

“You alright, Goat-Face?” Crowley asked as he poured a glass of wine.

Azazel bit their lip. “Snake-Eyes, d’you think you can keep a secret?”

Crowley set down the wine and looked at his friend. “I’m pretty good at secrets. Why?”

Azazel put their head in their hands and groaned. “I’ve done something really stupid.” This must have been serious, he’d never seen them so bent out of shape.

“Can’t have been that bad.” Crowley tried pathetically.

Azazel looked him square in the eyes. “I’ve fallen in love.” Shit. That wasn’t good.

“Well, maybe you can convince them to our side, that way when they die, you’ll get to see them more often.”

“That would be harder than you think.” Azazel groaned.

“Why’s that?”

“I’ve fallen in love with an angel.”

A chill ran over Crowley. So they were in the same boat. If Hell found out about them, they’d both be screwed. Crowley had kept his romantic feelings for Aziraphale hidden for millennia, even from Azazel and he had no desire to disclose that information any time soon, but seeing his friend so distressed made a small treasonous part of him want to offer them some comfort.

“You wanna know a secret?” Crowley asked.

“What?” Azazel huffed, running their hands through their dark hair.

“So have I.” 

Azazel rolled their eyes. “I know that.” They said, chuckling weakly. Crowley went read.

“What? How? Who told you?”

“You’re about as thin as a tissue, Snake-Eyes.” They teased. “Honestly, I don’t know how Aziraphale hasn’t figured it out.”

Crowley shrugged. “I love him, but he’s a little oblivious.” He grabbed the bottle of wine and took a large swig, not even bothering with his glass anymore. “So who’s your angelic love?” He teased, his voice going up to a mocking falsetto.

Azazel took the bottle from him. “Haniel, the principality.”

Crowley was a little surprised. Haniel, in his opinion, was rather stuck up and a bit of a goody-two-shoes and a stick-in-the-mud. Despite his best efforts to hold it back, the word, “Really?” slipped out of his mouth. Azazel gave him a look. “What do you see in them?”

Azazel shrugged. “At first I didn’t think much of them. We’d run into each other a couple of times and we would fight, but it would always seem like they were holding back, like they didn’t want to hurt me. What was more, when we fought, they’d also try to chat with me, like they’d swipe at me with their sword and in the same moment ask me how my day was going. And the way they always look at me, it’s like they can tell I don’t really want to fight them either. We always let the fight end in a stalemate and they say they have to get back to heaven but I always would want them to stay and talk afterwards. One time, back in 1862, we were fighting and chatting as usual, and they got a lucky hit, getting a good gash on my arm and chest. I would have discorporated for sure, but…they healed me. Not all the way, they just healed my chest with a miracle and left my arm injured so heaven wouldn’t get suspicious, but they made sure I was okay. Even after they healed me, they stayed with me for a little while and bandaged my arm for me. And they talked to me and…” they blushed. Azazel actually blushed. Holy shit they had it bad. “…I love listening to them talk. They’re so passionate and driven and they get this lovely little twinkle in their eye when they talk about some of their ideas. The past couple of times we’ve run into each other, we didn’t fight. We just talked to each other. And we actually have a lot in common. Turns out they hate their boss as much as we hate ours.” Crowley tensed. Hastur and Ligur weren’t guaranteed to be listening in on him at all times but it was a guarantee that they could be listening at any time.

“That’s kind of surprising.” Crowley said. “I always pegged them as a real stickler for the rules.”

“Not the case,” Azazel assured. “They’re good at acting like they are though. They’re bloody clever too. They come up with the smartest ideas but they also tell me that Gabriel keeps shooting them down. I know I should be grateful that Heaven isn’t approving things that make our jobs harder, but whenever they tell me about an idea that Gabriel rejected, they just get this sad look on their face that’s just…it makes me want to…I’m fucked aren’t I?”

Crowley sighed and nodded. “You think they might feel the same way?”

Azazel looked at their hands. “I think they might.”

“How long?”

“ 1,450 years.”

“Go get them!”

“What?” Azazel nearly dropped the wine. “Have you gone mental?”

“If you love them, why not tell them? I’m sick of seeing you pine, you need to tell them how you feel. For both our sanities. Besides, someone once told me a while ago if you can find a little bit of happiness in this existence, you should go after it." Azazel gave him a weak grin before looking back at the floor.

“You know how dangerous that is, right?”

Crowley shrugged. “You do it right, nobody has to know.”

Azazel gave him a look. “Are you trying to tempt me?”

Crowley grinned. “Maybe a bit.”

Azazel sighed. “I’m scared.” They said quietly. That was something rare for a demon to admit, especially to another demon. “This is a strange feeling for me. I’m not supposed to feel it. So now that I do, I just…” they sighed.

“I know.” Crowley said. “Look, why don’t you just ask them out for a drink or somethin’?”

Azazel gave him a quizzical look. “What?”

“You say keep meeting up with them by chance. Try meeting them on purpose. See if they really do feel the same way.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Azazel said. “What if they tell someone?”

Crowley shrugged again. “If you gotta go, then go with style.” Azazel shot him a look. “Have they ever _willingly_ hurt someone, including you?”

Azazel shook their head. “The only time they’ve actually hurt me was an accident and they apologized profusely afterwards. They’re one of the kindest beings I’ve met. It gives me a bloody headache but at the same time, I enjoy it.”

Crowley looked at his friend. He had never seen them so terrified in his life. They were usually very relaxed by nature, and they simply didn’t pretend not to be anxious like he did. They wore their feelings on their sleeves but they were usually so chill they didn’t need to worry about someone calling them out. Seeing them so afraid caused Crowley to be rather on edge as well.

Crowley took a breath and let it out.

“I have an idea.” He walked over to the phone and dialed the familiar number. 

“I’m afraid we’re closed-”

“Angel it’s me.” Crowley interrupted. He could feel the tension from the other side of the receiver but, if he were being honest, just hearing Aziraphale’s voice sent a brief brush of calmness over him.

“Ah, yes. Crowley. What can I do-” 

“I know we may still be on awkward terms since the whole St. James argument,” he was careful not to mention the holy water, both to avoid further upsetting Aziraphale and to avoid spilling the beans in front of Azazel, “but I need a favor.”

Aziraphale was quiet for a moment and then said. “Yes, of course. Whatever you need.”

Crowley sighed with relief. “You know the principality Haniel?”

“Of course.” Aziraphale chirped. “They’re my sibling.” Small world.

“Okay, well, I’ll need you to invite them out for drinks at St. Jame’s tavern on Friday night.”

Aziraphale was quiet again.

“That’s quite an odd request. What on earth for?”

Crowley looked back at Azazel. “How well do you trust them?”

“I’d trust them with almost anything, they’re remarkably trustworthy.”

“You’re sure they won’t go running to Gabriel the first chance they get?”

“Certainly not.” Aziraphale almost sounded insulted.

“Tell them Crowley and Azazel will be joining you. Not for any kind of battle or smiting, just a casual night out.”

“Oh, Azazel is there with you? Tell them I give them warm regards.”

Crowley looked back at Azazel. “Aziraphale says ‘hi’.” Azazel gave a weak smile. “D’you think they’d be okay with that?”

“I don’t think they’ll object. After all, they found out about my friendship with you and all they’ve done is tease me about it, nothing more.” Crowley found himself more than a little nervous that someone else knew about his friendship with the angel. “Well, I suppose I’ll see you and them on Friday.”

“Yep, Friday, right.”

_Click_.

Crowley hung up the phone and looked back at Azazel. “My friend, you just got yourself a date with an angel.”

* * * * *

Friday night, they all sat at a table for four, angels on one side, demons on another. At first, it was horribly awkward, Crowley was about ready to throw his bottle of beer at someone just to get a brawl started so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the tension at their little corner, but surprisingly, it was Haniel that got them into good spirits. Since they were Aziraphale’s sibling, they knew exactly what made him tick and they knew plenty of old stories about him that made the angel go pink in the face.

“So wait,” Crowley said, “you actually commissioned a portrait from some random person you met off the street?”

“He told me he was a famous artist and well, so many people were having such lovely portraits done and well…it wasn’t that bad…”

“You’re right,” Haniel chided, “it was worse.” They took a sip from their drink and made a face as the two demons began laughing. Azazel took note of their expression and frowned.

“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to drink it.” They said.

“No, it’s not that. I’m just not used to drinking…well anything really. It’s a new experience for me.” They had gotten a tequila sunrise. Both Azazel and Aziraphale suggested that maybe they shouldn’t start with something so strong, but they didn’t listen. Crowley glanced at Azazel, who was looking at Haniel and blushing at the way their nose crinkled with the face they were making.

Several drinks later, Aziraphale suggested they continue drinking back at his bookshop and after he and Crowley banished the alcohol from their systems (Crowley insisted he was a perfectly acceptable driver even when intoxicated but Aziraphale was having none of it), the four made their way outside.

The cool, quiet night was a stark contrast to the crowded heat and bustle of the pub. As soon as they stepped outside however, Aziraphale gasped. “Oh dear, I seem to have left my jacket inside. Be back out in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” With that he disappeared back inside as Crowley rolled his eyes. Who even said “two shakes of a lamb’s tail” anymore?

Azazel was looking alright, but Haniel was stumbling slightly.

“Haniel? You alright?” Azazel asked.

“Yeah, yeah, ‘m fine. Just…being drunk is new…It’s fun. I like it.”

They stumbled again, Azazel caught them around the waist before they could fall to the ground. Crowley watched, both of them seemed to have forgotten he was there. “Th-thanks.” They slurred, their face going red.

“You sure you don’t want to sober up a bit?” Azazel asked.

Haniel put their hand on Azazel’s face. “No…no I…” without another word, they grabbed Azazel by the collar and pressed their lips together. It only lasted for a second before they pulled away, stammering. “I-I’m sorry. I d-don’t know what came over me I…m-maybe I _should_ sober up.” They scrunched their eyes tight for a moment, letting out a groan. Their face was still red when they opened their eyes again, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Their eyes widened as they remembered what they had just done. “Oh my goodness, Azazel, I’m so sorry, I should have asked your permission, I don’t…I didn’t…”

Azazel gently set their fingers against Haniel’s lips, quieting them. “It’s alright.” They assured. “I’ve uh…wanted to do that for a while.”

Aziraphale came out from the bar, his coat over his arm.

“Alright, shall we-”

“Shh!” Crowley hissed, keeping his eyes on the pair.

Haniel looked at Azazel before gently bringing their lips together again. A lopsided smirk came to Crowley’s face.

“Glad to see they finally got around to confessing.” Aziraphale whispered. 

Crowley glanced at the angel. “Yeah…um Angel…I…”

“Yes my dear boy?”

He couldn’t do it. He was a coward. “Nothing. Let’s snap them out of it and get going.”

1962

Crowley wasn’t used to hearing such laughter, especially from a demon, but ever since Haniel and Azazel had begun officially dating, well not “official” official, they didn’t want Heaven or Hell finding out after all, Azazel had been much happier. Crowley would always described Azazel as relaxed but never as happy. But being around Haniel made them open up and seem…well seem more themself than Crowley had ever seen them in his life.

The four of them had formed almost a discreet club of sorts, odd eggs in Heaven and in Hell and they regularly met up for drinks. A decade ago, Crowley would have never accepted an invitation to drink at an angel’s place of residence unless it was Aziraphale. But now, he was rather glad that Haniel was his friend as well.

Haniel’s place was small and cozy, thought not nearly as disorganized as Aziraphale’s bookshop. Everything was in its proper place, with the exception of four empty wine glasses on the coffee table.

Haniel was telling a story about something stupid Sandlephon had done, something about tripping over a star, when Crowley noticed Azazel’s hand move. Slowly, they reached over and took Haniel’s. They didn’t even stop talking, they just took Azazel’s hand and squeezed it and continued with their story as Azazel rubbed tiny circles into their knuckles. It was all so effortless, like they didn’t even need to think about it. Their hands just found each other and…well he couldn’t put it into words but they just worked.

Crowley glanced at Aziraphale, sitting in an armchair and helping Haniel recall some of the details. He felt a twinge of jealousy. He wished he wasn’t such a coward. He wished he could take his angel’s hand like that. But, well just because Haniel and Azazel could be so lucky didn’t mean he could be. Haniel was fiery and passionate. They went after what they wanted. Aziraphale wasn’t like that. If Crowley told him how he felt, he’d most likely never want to see him again. He might be hurt or scared, and that was the last thing Crowley wanted. He couldn’t risk losing the closest friend he had.

So instead, he just took in the scene around him, trying to push all his less than ideal feelings down into a deep little pit inside of him.

As a demon, he was very good at sensing fear and for the first time, he sensed none. And it was all because of them. Crowley took another sip of wine as he looked at their interlocked hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you've all been doing well and that you're all staying safe and healthy. I'm super excited for next chapter because shit really hits the fan and I'm excited to see how you guys react to it.  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my wonderful beta and shoutout to KitKat_Pro, I'm beta-ing one of their works and it features plenty of softbois so you guys should go check out both of them.  
> Thank you for reading, and have a lovely day!  
> (Also this chapter is also a testament to how much I am trash for Hamilton, so there ya go)


	37. Memories of the Demon (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of death and causing one's own death

1977

A firm knocking sounded at the door to Crowley’s flat, frantic and nervous.

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’.” Crowley called. He was picking up flashes of fear and worry in the air, but not the normal kind. Not from a human.

He opened the door and was faced with Haniel and Azazel, both looked exhausted and terrified out of their minds. Haniel was holding a little bundle close to their chest.

Azazel sighed with relief when they saw Crowley. “Good to see you, Snake-Eyes.” They said, their standard greeting for him, but the fear in their voice told Crowley that this was going to be anything but a casual meetup. “Can we come in?”

“Yeah, sure.” He stepped aside and waved them into the flat, closing the door behind them. “What’s the trouble?”

A small noise sounded from Haniel’s arms, like a little murmur or a coo. Haniel began gently rocking the bundle and whispering, “It’s alright, little one. Go back to sleep.”

Crowley could now see a little pink face wrapped in a soft gray blanket. Haniel was holding a baby.

“Haniel, where…what…b-baby?!”

Haniel gave a weak smile. “Crowley, we have someone we want you to meet.” They shifted their arms so Crowley could see it better. It looked like a normal baby, pink and chubby, small fluff of hair on its head, currently sleeping, nothing extraordinary about it whatsoever. So why did Haniel and Azazel have it? “This is Kaera.” Azazel put their arm around Haniel. “Our daughter.”

“What?!” Crowley almost shouted. Haniel put a hand over the baby’s ear to keep it from waking and shot Crowley an annoyed look. Crowley pointed a shaking finger towards the little sleeping bundle. “Y…you _made_ that?”

Haniel looked a little annoyed. “Yes, Crowley we made _her_.” They put a little extra effort on the word “her” which told Crowley that perhaps referring to the baby as “it” most likely wouldn’t be very good for his health.

“How?”

Haniel looked at Azazel and blushed. “Not in the traditional way.” Crowley could feel his face getting hot and he regretted the question, but he still raised an eyebrow at them. “We were sitting on the couch a few days ago, and suddenly both of us were just overcome with love. It’s hard to put into words but, we could feel both our essences being woven together. Somehow we let our true forms out and then…well I’m not entirely sure what happened next but I remember feeling the overwhelming love between us, it was just full to bursting. It needed to exist, it needed to take on a form of its own. When it was over, we were back on the couch as if nothing had changed. With, one small difference of course.” They looked back down at the little being in their arms.

“Wait you say this was a few days ago?” Crowley asked. Haniel nodded. How had they kept her a secret for that long? Heaven and Hell were almost instantaneous when it came to sensing something unorthodox or out of the ordinary, especially if she was made with a burst of ethereal and occult power. They were bound to suspect something, a creature of both Heaven and Hell would be considered a huge threat. “How has no one found out?”

Azazel gently ran their finger along the little patch of hair on the top of the baby’s head. “You don’t think we’d let her be exposed, would you? As soon as she appeared in my arms, we put every ward we could on her. They should stay there for her entire childhood. No one will be the wiser.”

“Besides, that’s not why we’re here.” Haniel said nervously.

Azazel let out a shaky breath as they looked Crowley square in the face. “Crowley, we have reason to believe that Hell may have found out about you and Aziraphale.”

Crowley felt his entire body go cold. Doing good deeds was punishable by eternity in the deepest pit. But a friendship with an angel? Not just a friendship, but an arrangement? A _deal_ with an angel? That was unacceptable. Did they know about all the times they met for drinks? All the times they’d met throughout history? Did…did they know about his feelings for Aziraphale? Fear broke out over him and he almost collapsed into the wall.

“What am I going to do?” He breathed. Haniel and Azazel exchanged a mournful look.

“We came up with a plan,” Azazel said. “You’re not going to like it, but we’re going to need you to do what we tell you.”

Crowley eyed them both nervously. “What is it you need me to do?” He asked cautiously.

Azazel swallowed nervously, looking at their partner and their child. “Crowley, we need you to report us to Hell.”

“What? No! Absolutely not! Out of the question!”

“Crowley, please-“

“No, I refuse to sell you out like that! If they find out, you’re both done for. It’s Hellfire and holy water for the both of you!”

“And what about you?” Haniel said, holding their child close to their chest. “If Hell finds out about you, you’re done for as well.”

“They already suspect me! I’m already fucked, why should I drag you two down with me?”

He could tell Haniel wanted to berate him for using such language in front of a child but they were too invested in the argument to really care about something so minor. “So you would doom yourself and Aziraphale?” Their body was beginning to glow slightly.

“Better than selling out the two of you! You have a child to think of!”

“It’s better they destroy two of us than all five!” They roared. Crowley was silent. “Listen to me, we’ve already talked it over and we’re not changing our minds. If we’re found out and Kaera is left with a human family, she has a much higher chance of staying safe. Even with the wards we have on her, we know that if she’s around us, she won’t stand a chance.”

“But why do you have to sell yourselves out?” Crowley asked. “I don’t want you taking the fall for me because I got careless.”

“Because you’re my friend, Crowley.” Azazel said firmly. “You’re our friend. And Azirapahle is our friend too. We don’t want anything to happen to either of you.”

“They only suspect you.” Haniel explained. “If they get confirmation about us, than they’ll have something bigger to worry about.” The baby had opened her eyes and was looking back and forth between her parents and the new person she had never seen before, wondering why everyone was yelling.

“What about her?” Crowley asked. “You’re damning her to a life without parents. Without a family.”

Haniel sighed sadly. “They were bound to find out about the two of us eventually. In truth we thought they’d find out years ago. We thought we’d be the first ones to be caught. We were careless and got her involved without thinking about how it would affect her. But if we are going to be destroyed, we want it to be on our own terms. And we are _not_ going to let them destroy our child. Rather them kill the two of us than our whole family.”

Crowley wanted to argue further but there was no getting through to either of them. Haniel was one of the most stubborn beings he’d encountered, there was no changing their mind. Azazel, for someone who was so easygoing seemed to be set with this decision. “But why does it have to be me?” He murmured.

“This way they won’t question your loyalty.” Azazel explained. “You’ll be the hero that exposed the traitor, you and Aziraphale will be safe, and no one will be the wiser.”

“Wait, does Aziraphale know about all this?” Crowley asked. Aziraphale was reasonable, maybe he’d be able to talk them out of it.

“Aziraphale is on an assignment in America. He won’t be back for at least another week and we don’t have time to wait that long. We may be too late now.” Haniel said, looking nervously over their shoulder.

“But I-”

“Crowley, please. I’m begging you. We’re begging you. Please do this for us.” Haniel looked at him with absolute fear in their eyes. They really cared for him, they really considered him a friend. That just made him feel even worse. The second and third friends he’d ever made in his entire pathetic existence and he was about to sell them out. He looked at the baby, who was staring directly at him.

“What’ll happen to her? After you’re…y’know?”

Haniel looked a little guilty. “That’s another favor I’m afraid we have to ask you.” They said. “We don’t want you to be stuck with our child, we wouldn’t do that to you. But we want you to make sure she gets to a loving family. And, if you would, check up on her now and then. We want you and Aziraphale to be a part of Kaera’s life, even if we aren’t. Can you do that for us?”

There were so many emotions going through Crowley that he didn’t know what to think. His mind went completely blank. But through the haze and confusion, he could see the concerned faces of his friends. This was crazy, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t let them do this. Maybe he could figure something out, maybe he was the only one who would have to die. They could go somewhere far away, make a new life, cut all ties with Heaven and Hell and just enjoy being a family. But…deep down he knew it wouldn’t work. It would only be a matter of time before they were found out and they were destroyed, along with their child. Then they all would be gone. They said so themselves, they knew they were living on borrowed time, so they were going out on their own terms. He sighed and nodded sadly.

Haniel set their hand on Crowley’s arm. “Thank you, Crowley.” They said quietly.

“When should I make the call?” Crowley asked, completely numb and his mind utterly obliviated.

“Sooner rather than later.” Azazel said. “Preferably as soon as we leave. You know how fast rumors spread in Hell and if Beelzebub hears about you and Zira, you’re done for.” Just hearing Beelzebub’s name made Crowley shudder. He couldn’t find his thoughts or his voice, so the best he could manage was a nod. Azazel reached into their pocket and handed a little box wrapped in brown paper to Crowley. “Give that to Kaera when she’s ready. When she’s old enough to understand…well all this.” Crowley stuck the box in his pocket, still unable to think. Azazel looked at their partner.

“We should be leaving soon.” They said.

Haniel nodded and looked down at their baby. Their only child that they’d known for less than a week.

“Be strong, little one.” They kissed the tiny girl on the forehead and passed her to Azazel.

“You are loved.” Azazel whispered, kissing her forehead as well. When they both had said their goodbyes, they passed the baby to Crowley, who took extra care to make sure he didn’t drop her. Azazel brushed a stray tear from their eye and looked at Haniel. “It’s time to go love.”

Haniel nodded and opened the door, before pausing and turning around. “Thank you.” They whispered. “For everything.”

Azazel gave Crowley a quick, mournful smile. “Please, keep this conversation a secret. The only person we can trust with this information is you. Aziraphale can know about Kaera, but he can’t know about this. Do you understand?” Crowley nodded. Azazel offered him a weak smile. “Thank you. I knew I made a good choice in choosing you as a friend.” As if Crowley didn’t already feel bad enough they had to go and say that. Before Azazel closed the door, they looked back and said, “Keep our secret safe, Crowley.” The door closed behind them, leaving Crowley standing alone in his flat with a sleeping baby in his arms.

How had he gotten himself into such a mess? Why had his friends chosen to do this? Why him? He wanted to scream he was so angry and frustrated. But he had to put all that on pause. He had a job to do.

He walked quietly into his bedroom and set the baby down carefully on a mass of pillows. “This probably isn’t ideal for an infant but this is the best I’ve got.” He was talking to a fucking baby that didn’t understand a bloody word he was saying. He’d officially gone nuts.

Once he made sure the kid was comfortable and wasn’t going to wake up and start screaming while he made the call, he walked back into the main room and sighed heavily, a sick feeling sinking in his stomach as he switched on the TV. Sooner rather than later they had said.

Two humans sitting at a desk appeared onscreen. “Our top story today, local shopkeepers have reported-”

“Get me Hell.” Crowley commanded. Those bastards were always contacting him this way, so this was the best way to reach them. Hastur and Ligur were sitting where the humans were just a moment ago. “This is the demon Crowley. Am I through to Hell?”

“You’ve got Hastur on the line, what do you want, Crowley?” Hastur said grumpily.

Crowley tried his best to sound calm, but he was beginning to sweat. “Just a brief report. A little bird told me something very interesting about the demon Azazel. They’ve been a very naught demon indeed.”

Ligur straightened up a small bit. “What’d they do?”

“They’ve…” Crowley hesitated. Did he really want to betray two of his closest friends? Well that was a stupid question, the answer was obviously no. But he had no other choice. They had literally begged him to do it. That still didn’t stop him from feeling like a rotten piece of garbage. He felt like he was going to be sick. “They’ve fallen in love.”

Hastur stood up from his chair, looking angry enough to rip a phone book in half. “What?!”

“That’s not even the worst of it.” Crowley said, trying to keep calm. “They’ve fallen in love with an angel. The principality Haniel.”

Ligur’s jaw dropped and Hastur began silently fuming. There, he said it. There was no going back now. Crowley looked at his feet, not even feeling worthy to look his superiors in the eye, and that was saying something.

“That stuck up goody-two-shoes?” Hastur scoffed. It took every ounce of self control to keep Crowley from yelling that that was his friend that Hastur had just insulted but he managed to keep himself quiet.

Hastur snapped his fingers and a disposable came into frame.

“Go fetch the demon Azazel.” Hastur commanded. “We have quite a bit to discuss with them.” The disposable gave Hastur a curt nod and disappeared.

“How did you even find this out, Crowley?” Ligur asked, folding his hands. Shit, Crowley hadn’t thought this far ahead. He could say he spied on them? No they’d wonder why he felt the need to spy on a fellow demon. His mind was too much of a mess to think of anything else, so he told them the only thing he could think of: the truth.

“Azazel told me themself.” Crowley said weakly. “They thought…they thought they could trust me.”

“That was a stupid move.” Hastur grunted. Crowley felt a sting in his chest.

“Yeah…” He croaked. “Stupid.” He glanced over his shoulder towards his bedroom where the baby was still asleep. He could only hope Hell didn’t find out about her. He couldn’t let his friends down more than he already had.

“So…what d’you think the punishment will be?” Crowley asked.

Hastur grinned, showing off his rotten teeth. “Extinction by Holy Water of course. It’ll be a bitch negotiating with angels, but I’m sure they’ll be more than willing when they learn they have a traitor in their midst, as long as we loan them a little Hellfire.” He was almost giddy at the sound of it. This is why Crowley hated his fellow demons. They took a little too much glee in causing misery, even to their own kind, and it just rubbed him the wrong way.

“You should come to the trial.” Ligur suggested. “It’ll be fun.”

Crowley knew he should say yes, he didn’t want them getting more suspicious than they already were, but he couldn’t bring himself to watch his friend be destroyed. It was selfish, he knew he should be there so his friend wasn’t alone in their last moments, but he was a demon. That’s just what he was. Selfish, horrible, and rotten to the core.

“Nah,” he said, trying to keep the quiver out of his voice. “S’not really my scene.”

“Aw, that’s a shame,” Hastur taunted. “It should be a marvelous time.” Crowley tried his best to look cheerful.

“You are to be commended Crowley.” Ligur said. “It’s because of you, a traitor is bein’ brought to justice. After all, we can’t have demons going ‘round fallin’ in love and thwarting our plans.”

“Thwarting…yep.” Crowley said, thoroughly done with this conversation

“Is there anything else you have to report, Crowley?” Hastur asked. Once again, Crowley’s thoughts turned to the baby girl sleeping just in the other room. If they found out about her, she’d be done for. And that wasn’t fair. She was only three days old, she hadn’t even begun living yet. Thousands of years ago, he’d been appalled by the idea of killing children and he still stood by that belief. They wouldn’t get her. She was the last piece of his friends and he was determined to keep her safe. She was going to grow up and be happy. Hell would _not_ get their hands on her.

“Nope. Nothing else.”

“Well then, we’ll be seeing you, Crowley.” Hastur said. The screen flashed and went back to the two human anchors, now talking about which celebrity was sleeping with who or some trite. Crowley snapped his fingers and the screen went dark, leaving him staring at his reflection. He sunk down into a chair and put his head in his hands. He’d done what they had asked, but the sick feeling in his stomach just wouldn’t go away.

A wail sounded from the other room, the baby had woken up. Crowley ran to his bedroom and scooped her into his arms, trying to calm her down.

“Shh sh sh, ’s alright, don’t cry.” He murmured, gently rocking her. “’S alright. I’m here. C-Crowley’s here.” She continued to sob and wail as if she somehow knew that her parents were gone and she was now in the care of some stranger. Some traitor.

Crowley sat down on the bed, utterly clueless as to what to do next.

‘ _Oh Somebody_ ’ He thought. ‘ _What the fuck have I done?_ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves! Sorry for not updating on Monday. I would say it was because I was busy, but really it's because I knew shit was gonna hit the fan in this chapter and I wanted to torture you.  
> So I've been putting together a piece for a writing contest that an artist is doing for their GO comic on instagram. I'm super nervous and my anxiety is driving me nuts. My friends tell me it's good so I try to believe them, but LORD am I nervous. Anyhoo, how are you guys doing?  
> Also huge thanks to @Starrynightart for the beautiful piece. Please go check out their work and give them all the love, they are a beautiful human being.  
> And thank you @TakeItEezy for being my wonderful and stupendous beta and being a rockstar/sorceror.  
> Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day


	38. I'm Still Here

Crowley took his fingers off Kaera’s forehead and the two returned to the present time. Kaera was breathing heavily and her entire body was shaking. She was completely spent.

“You…them…me…” she choked. He should have known better than to expose her to a demonic act. She was already exhausted and sharing his memories had probably depleted what little strength she had left.

“Don’t say anything.” Crowley said, putting a hand on her shoulder. Her eyelids kept drooping and fluttering back open. It was taking everything she had just to stay awake. “You should rest.” He said.

“C…Crowley…” she murmured.

“I said you should rest.” He said again, giving her shoulder a light push and setting her down on the bed. “We’ll…we’ll talk about it…” damnit, he couldn’t even muster up the strength to lie to her. He was never going to bring this up again. “Just go to sleep.” She was out before he could even finish talking. He gave a tiny smile as he pulled the quilt over her and tucked her in before going back downstairs.

He didn’t expect her to forgive him. Heck, he didn’t want her to forgive him. But he was at least glad that she knew the whole story. She could be mad at him for the rest of eternity and he wouldn’t care. He didn’t deserve her kindness or her sympathy, but at least she knew. Now all her had to worry about was Aziraphale.

There were sounds coming from the kitchen. Of course, it had been almost a day since Aziraphale had eaten anything, he must’ve been feeling a bit peckish.

Crowley walked down the stairs, feeling like he was walking to the executioner’s block. His legs were stiff and there was a nervous twisting sensation in his stomach, that only worsened when he saw Aziraphale. The Angel was in the kitchen, facing away from him, and stirring something in a pot on the stove. Crowley cleared his throat and Aziraphale spun around. When he saw the demon, he looked both relieved and upset.

“Ah, Crowley. I was wondering when you’d come down.” He turned the stove down slightly. “I heard shouting. Is everything alright?” His voice was too casual, as if he were asking Crowley about the weather or who won the rugby game last week. Aziraphale wasn’t a very hot tempered person, so it would only make sense on the rare occasion he did get angry, it was cold and isolating…sort of like how he was now. The sickening twist in his stomach worsened. Just because he didn’t want anyone’s forgiveness didn’t mean he still wouldn’t feel bad when he didn’t get it.

His hand nervously reached to scratch at the back of his head, the movement doing just enough to keep him distracted from his whirling anxiety.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” Well that was a fucking lie.

“Kaera?”

“She’s as alright as she can be. Fell asleep about two minutes ago.”

“Ah yes. Good. The poor dear needs her rest.” Aziraphale turned his attention back to the pot on the stove. His movements weren’t normal. When Aziraphale moved, it was loose and elegantly flowing like a river. Now he was too tense, rigid and wound as a clock. As he picked up the spoon, his arm was twitching and there was almost a syncopated rhythm to him. This wasn’t right. He was bottling things up again.

“We need to talk.” Crowley said. Better to rip the bandaid off quickly.

Aziraphale’s hands became even more tense. “Yes. I believe we do.” He turned the stove down to low heat and sat down at the table with Crowley sitting across from him, his hands folded and his eyes intense. 

Shit. 

Crowley hadn’t thought this far. Even though he was a tempter by nature, he was really, _really_ bad at confrontation, especially with Aziraphale.

The two sat in silence for a long time. The air was heavy between them and it seemed almost fragile despite how dense it was, as if it would shatter if either of them said anything, if either of them _moved_. They were in a battle and they were both waving white flags, but neither of them wanted to move off the battlefield to negotiate. They just stood, waving their flags.

Finally, Aziraphale cleared his throat.

“Is it true?”

Crowley tensed. “Yeah. Yeah it’s true.”

Aziraphale’s face was completely expressionless but the air in the room had become filled with rage. “Explain yourself.”

Crowley took a breath, a slight shiver in his hands. “Hell was beginning to get suspicious of our friendship and they had gotten close to figuring it out. Azazel knew that and…” his hands balled into fists. “They and Haniel wanted me to report them instead.”

“What?” Aziraphale gasped, the rage in the air thinned. “Why on earth would they do that?”

“Because they were both stubborn fools who didn’t want us getting hurt.” Crowley groaned. “I tried to reason with them. I tried telling them that they were making a mistake and I wanted to refuse. They had a baby to look after, but they were so stubborn. Maybe if I had just tried a little harder,” he let out another groan. “If I was the one to report them, Hell wouldn’t have any suspicions about me. They were just looking out for us.” He didn’t want Aziraphale to see how disgusted with himself he was. If Aziraphale thought he was actually remorseful for what he’d done, the angel might be moved to forgive him, which he didn’t want. Didn’t deserve. “Azazel was too good to be a demon. Damn them for being too damn selfless.”

Soft, plump hands took hold of his from across the table, enveloping his fingers in tender warmth. The right thing to do would have been to pull away, to distance himself from Aziraphale to make sure the angel was still able to be in the right and keep away from the traitor that he was. But Crowley was selfish. He kept his hands where they were, letting the warmth crawl up his arms and into his chest.

“Please don’t.” Crowley whispered. “Don’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it.”

“I don’t think I _am_ ready to forgive just yet.” Aziraphale said softly. “But I’m not angry with you.”

“You should be,” Crowley said, raising his eyes to meet Aziraphale’s. “Kaera said it herself. It’s because of me that our friends are gone, that she had to grow up with no family, no clue as to who she was. I sold out her parents and dropped her at an orphanage. You never got to meet her, never got to see her, the only child of our friends, grow up. You never got to see our friends again. She has every right to be angry with me and so do you!”

“Crowley,” Aziraphale said calmly, “you told Hell about them because they asked you to.”

“That doesn’t mean I had to go through with it. I could have…I don’t know what I could have done but that wasn’t the only concrete solution.” Everything he’d been hiding in the back of his mind was now slithering out into the open, all the remorse, the rage he harbored at himself the frustration at his friends for doing it, for making him do it, all of it was coming to a boil.

“Crowley, you had no way of knowing-”

“They still trusted their child to me! They told me to find a good home for her and to stay in her life. They wanted both of us in her lief and what do I do? I drop her at an orphanage and keep that secret from you for _years_.”

Aziraphale was silent, looking down at his hands. His face was still expressionless and he appeared to be deep in thought. “As I stated before,” he said after a long pause, “I’m not ready to forgive. But I am not angry.” 

“Whatever.” Crowley sighed, too tired to continue the argument. Besides, he’d told Aziraphale, they didn’t have anything more to discuss.  
Aziraphale stood from his chair and sprinkled a pinch of salt into the pot.

“What are you even making?” Crowley asked, hoping a change of subject might help ease the tension.

Aziraphale grabbed a ladle from one of the drawers. “Chicken soup.” He said. “Humans seem to use it as a cure all, or at least a way to feel better mentally. What do they call it? Comfort food, that’s it.” A weak grin came over Crowley’s face. It was just like Aziraphale to go full on nurse whenever someone fell ill, that was the whole reason he volunteered in the crimean war in the first place. But he tended to the soul as well as the body. Though it should have disgusted him, the demon found it charming. 

Aziraphale pulled a bowl and glass from the cupboard, filling the glass with water and the bowl with soup. “She’ll most likely be hungry when she wakes up or at the very least in need of some comfort, so I felt this was the best course of action.” He said as he set everything on a tray.

“I got it.” Crowley offered, taking it from the angel. Aziraphale gave Crowley a teeny smile. He was trying, he told himself. At least he was trying.

Crowley held the tray as carefully as he could slowly walking up the stairs and trying not to spill anything. He’d already screwed up enough for one day, he didn’t need to add anything else on top of it.

As quietly as he could, he crept into Kaera’s room and set the tray on the little bedside table. Kaera was sound asleep, her forehead dotted with sweat and her breathing raspy and forced. For a moment, he thought her fever had worsened again, but when he felt her forehead, her temperature was the same as it had been five hours ago. He shrugged it off and made a mental note to turn down the thermostat but as he walked back out into the hallway, he could have sworn he heard her whisper, “Leave me alone…please.”

‘ _Probably just a nightmare_.’ Crowley thought. Maybe he could do something to ease her distress, like Aziraphale had done several times alright, but he quickly decided against trying. There was a high chance that he would just make it worse, he was still a demon after all. 

Crowley sighed and tiptoed back out the door and into the hallway. He’d shown Kaera what she needed to see and told Aziraphale what he needed to know. After all that, he just wanted to sleep.

He walked down the hall to his and Aziraphale’s room. He pondered for a moment if the angel would even want to share a bed with him now, but he was too tired to care. As he flopped face down onto the bed, not even bothering to take off his jacket, he wondered what the hell he was supposed to do moving forward.

Trying to make up for it felt wrong because nothing he could ever do would suffice, but doing nothing felt even worse. It was all out in the open now, doing nothing just plain wouldn’t worse. Staying felt wrong too. Kaera was furious with him and Aziraphale…he’d never seen his angel so…so cold. He usually acted similar when he was deep in thought but this was different. This felt different. The only possible explanation to their problem was him. He couldn’t stay. He would only make things worse.

The sound of the door opening distracted him and he could feel the mattress sinking beside him. A gentle hand was on his back.

“My dear,” Aziraphale’s soft voice broke the silence, “I know what you’re doing. You do it all the time. You may deny that you regret the things you’ve done, but you regret them all the same, and you retreat inward. Please don’t do that. Talk to me.”

Crowley sat up, looking at Aziraphale. The bastard actually had the gall to actually still refer to him as “my dear”. What kind of game was he playing with him? Besides, he knew better than trying to involve Aziraphale further than he already was.

“Angel,” Crowley said, his tongue tasting of bile, “maybe it would be better if I left.”

“What?” Aziraphale asked. “Left? To go where?”

“Back to London, Mayfair, back to my flat. Or maybe somewhere else in England, somewhere else on earth. Or, heck maybe I’ll go to Alpha Centauri this time-”

“Why?” Aziraphale interrupted. “What good would leaving do?”

“Well, she’s still furious at me, you’re still mad-“

“I’m not angry with you.” Aziraphale protested. “I’ve said it twice and I’ll say it again. I am truly not angry. I just need time to process. I never once stated that I wanted you to leave.”

“Angel, I-“

“Crowley, please, listen to me. I wish things had gone differently and I wish I knew sooner. But you were doing what they asked, I can’t fault you for that.”

Crowley looked out towards the hallway. Not even ten feet away from them was the daughter of his friends. An orphan because of him, clueless and lost because of him.

“What about Kaera?” He asked. “This affects her more than it affects both of usss. If ssshe wantsss me to leave, I will.”

“I can guarantee you, she won’t.” Crowley was about to argue but Aziraphale cut him off. “There is as much demon in her as there is angel. She still needs you to teach her what she doesn’t know about the demonic side of her. Besides, you told me that Haniel and Azazel wanted us both to be a part of their daughter’s life. You shouldn’t walk out on her now, not after she’s finally found us.”

“Do you know why I left her?” Crowley roared. Aziraphale was silent. “Because I didn’t want to ruin her. I didn’t want to make her like me.”

“Azazel was-”

“Azazel may have been a demon but they were ssssstill closer to heaven than I ever wassss. If I caused their child to be cruel like me, like any other demon, I never would have forgiven myself. I would have tried to find you but you were on asssssssignment in America so I just panicked and," he sighed, trying his best to compose himself, “I felt it best if I just walked out of her life for good.”

“Crowley.” Aziraphale reached out to take Crowley’s hand, but this time, the demon jerked it away. Aziraphale looked hurt for a moment before saying what he needed to. “When I say that you are a good person, I mean it. You would not have ruined her. You did what you thought was best for her. You saved her life. Please believe me when I say she won’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to leave.”

“How do you know what she wants? I can feel the fear and anger radiating off her, even from here. She’s angry and all her rage is directed at me.” He knew he deserved it but that didn’t stop it from hurting. 

“She’s afraid of me as well, you forget that.” Aziraphale said.

“She’s afraid of you because being in Hell messssssed with her head.”

“And it’s different for you?”

“Yessss! Absolutely! It’s different because I actually did ssssssomething to warrant her anger!” He was no on his feet, angrily gripping his hair. “If I left, she wouldn’t have to worry about any kind of demonic influence.”

“So she denies half of who she is?”

“Why not?”

“Because repression only leads to more problems. Forcing herself to deny half of her entire being will only make her resent that part of her. Not to mention, if you leave, she’s still stewing in her anger until it boils over. Do you honestly think that’s healthy for her?”

“So you want her to kill me?”

“I want her to be able to face this problem head on. I want you both to find closure. You can’t go on blaming yourself for something you did years ago.”

“If I had been a little sssssssmarter, then maybe they would still be here. I could have told Hell that I was trying to tempt an angel and had failed since I’d fallen in love. I would have been the traitor. You would have been off the hook and they would have still been around to raise their child.”

“You can’t be sure of that.” Aziraphale argued. His voice wasn’t getting any louder, but there was a distinct sharpness to it, a fierce intensity and passion that almost made him sound frightening. “They could have killed you, Haniel, Azazel, and Kaera. For all you know, you saved her life. You certainly saved mine.”

“I could have-”

“You can’t change the past, Crowley!” The intensity in Aziraphale’s voice had reached full capacity. He wasn’t shouting but the atmosphere around him changed. It was thick, heavy, and tense. His eyes were glowing slightly and his whole body was rigid. “I know that better than anyone. Don’t you think I wanted to try and save all those people in the flood? Prevent all those children in Egypt from dying?”

“That was different. That was part of Her plan. You said it yourself.”

“For all we know, this could be part of Her plan too. Or it may not, we can never be sure. _You_ yourself. God moves in mysterious ways and doesn’t talk to any of us.”

Crowley groaned and sunk back down onto the mattress. The atmosphere softened as Aziraphale sensed his remorse and conflict.

“Dear,” the angel tried, “she isn’t angry with you. And neither am I.”

Crowley huffed, unable to take anymore. “For fuck’s sake, Angel! Just sssstop it already!”

Aziraphale looked shocked. “Stop what?”

Crowley gestured vaguely. “This! This…whatever the hell you’re doing! Ssssstop pretending you’re not mad! Just fucking yell or ssssscream or hit me, I don’t fucking care anymore! Just be mad! I can deal with anger! I can deal with rage! I can’t deal with whatever the fuck this isssss!”

“Darling, I-“

“You can’t find out that I sssssold out our only two friends on this fucking rock and abandoned their only daughter and just…just let it go like that! It’s because of my sssstupidity that they’re gone! Don’t you get that? I told you I don’t want your forgivenesssss! Well I don’t want this either! I don’t dessssserve it! I don’t deserve your kindnesssss! Can you just fucking be mad at me?”

“Crowley please. I don’t want…You shouldn’t…” the angel was at a loss for words.

“Angel, you can’t really be sssssaying that you don’t feel even a fraction of the rage I feel for myself. You can’t possibly…”

Crowley stopped talking. A new presence filled the room. Something strong. Something dark.

“Do you sense that?” Crowley asked. Aziraphale nodded. All around the room, throughout the entire house, there was a presence of something heavy and evil, lurking somewhere in a hidden corner. There was a familiarity and power to it. It had been there for a while, but it had been kept at bay. Whatever had been holding it back was now too weak to continue and now the presence was running rampant.

Crowley’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of breaking glass and quiet muttering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst. All the angst.  
> Hello everyone! I hope you've been having a lovely time. Things have been pretty quiet on my end. I'm still doing my best to support everyone who's on the front lines both for COVID and against racism and white supremacy. But mostly I've just been dealing with sleep deprivation...hooray.  
> Thank you TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta and for helping me out with Crowley in this chapter. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	39. Severing the Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack and mentions of death

The sound of shouting woke Kaera from her sleep, eyes groggy and head spinning. For a moment she was swept up in her thoughts about the memories Crowley had revealed to her. She had been watching the whole time, a silent observer, standing separate from the scene, but she could always hear what Crowley was thinking, feel what he was feeling. For a moment she thought about how much Crowley hadn't wanted to report her parents and how determined he was to keep her safe. The wound had reopened and it was raw and painful, but somehow, the memories hadn’t made it worse. They certainly hadn’t made it better, but some of her anger towards Crowley had melted away. Would she…no. She wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. 

Another thought distracted her. She had seen her parents. She had watched their friendship with Crowley and with each other and it had been so beautiful and when she first saw them kiss, she nearly wanted to break down. Hold them, hug them. Let them know how much she wanted to see them. But her body remained still the entire time. Then when they had walked through Crowley’s door with her in their arms…she nearly blew a fuse. They had held her. They had comforted her, kissed her forehead…let her know that she was loved.

Shouts came from down the hall, causing Kaera to flinch. The voices were Crowley’s and Aziraphale’s. She couldn’t tell what they were saying but she could tell it was heated. Crowley was shouting, his voice frantic and exasperated. Aziraphale’s voice was at its usual volume but she could tell, even through the separation of several walls, that it was intense, sharp, and cold. She shivered, pulling the blankets to her.

_They’re not shouting at me_ , she told herself. _I’m not in danger_.

The smell of food distracted her and when she looked to her right, there was a tray on the bedside table with a bowl of chicken soup and a glass of water.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, sitting up slightly and reaching for the glass. She tried to pace herself but it was futile. Before she knew it, she was swiftly chugging all the water. She’d hadn’t had a drop since she’d been taken and she was _parched_. As the water touched her tongue, she could feel a tiny amount of her strength returning to her.

“Kaera…come back…” A familiar voice whispered into her. “Return to us…you know you belong here…It is what you were born for…” Everything in Kaera went cold. The water she had just drank threatened to come back up at any moment.

No. No. No!

She thought she was done with all this. She was done with Hell, done with Hastur whispering in her ear.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why did you have to come back?” She asked. The voices down the hall now seemed far away, nothing but quiet murmurs drowned out by the sound of her own pulse.

“I never left, Kaera…I’ve been here the whole time…and I will continue to be here as long as you are not in Hell…I will be here, whispering in your mind…”

“No.” Kaera begged. The glass slipped from her trembling hand. “Please no.” It fell to the floor and shattered, the crash echoing all around. The room was large and foreboding again, rising up, swallowing her as the sound of the crash and her echoing pulse wrapped around her, suffocating her. “Please haven’t I suffered enough?” She asked as she pulled her knees to her chest. “I’ve already been through Hell, just leave me alone.”

“I will never leave…I will remain here until the sound of my voice drives you to insanity…until you are so far gone that you beg for death…beg for the release of being back in Hell…until then I will never leave…”

Kaera gripped the sides of her head, as if the simple effort could block out Hastur’s cold and cruel voice from her mind.

“No. I…I won’t give in.” She said weakly.

“There is nothing you can do…I will remain here…until you give in…and you will give in…it is only inevitable…I will stay here until the sound of my voice drives you insane…drives you back to us…and you will come back…your own mind will not give you any other option…”

“Leave me alone! Please!” She cried.

“Kaera!” Another voice called. “Kaera, what is it?”

“Please go away!” She begged. “I’m out of Hell! Why won’t you just leave me alone?!”

“Kaera, look at me!” The other voice said.

“Get out of my head!” She screamed.

“Kaera!” The other voice yelled. Two hands set themselves firmly on her shoulders, pulling her back to reality. Crowley was kneeling in front of her…why was she on the floor? There was sweat drenching her entire body and she was breathing heavily. “Kaera, what-”

“It’s nothing.” She said weakly.

“Nothing? C’mon, that’s bullshit and you know it.”

“I’ll be fine, just…just let me…” She tried to stand but the shaking in her knees made it impossible. She would have collapsed if Crowley hadn’t steadied her. “I’m fine. I’m…I’m fine…”

“He’s still in your head isn’t he?” Crowley asked as he gently set Kaera back on the floor.

“I…” Kaera’s voice quavered.

“I can sense him all over the house. You don’t have the strength to keep his presence away anymore.” His voice was low and his expression was knowing. Shame crept all up Kaera’s spine. She was weak. She couldn’t even keep him away anymore.

“This is so silly,” she murmured.

“Kaera, you were possessed, you have a demon in your head, that’s hardly silly.”

“He means you harm…” Hastur whispered. “The only safe place is back in Hell…He can not be trusted…”

Kaera gripped her hair again. “Stop it!” She begged. Crowley put his hand on her shoulder. When she looked up, she was surprised to see sympathy on his face. “I just want him to leave me alone.” She muttered weakly.

Crowley thought for a minute before looking back to her. “I can make it stop.” He said.

“What?”

“I can sever the connection. Get his voice out of your head for good.”

It sounded like a typical too-good-to-be-true temptation. She had fallen for it before and she would not let herself be fooled again.

“I don’t believe you.” She said. Crowley let out an exhausted breath.

“Yeah, I don’t blame you. But I’m telling you the truth. I know you don’t want to, but if you trust me, I can get him out of your mind.” 

She searched his face. His eyes weren’t hidden behind his sunglasses so she could see every bit of them. She was horrible at reading people, but she still tried to read them nonetheless. There was no way she could trust him…was there?

A warmth bloomed from her pendant, sending a feeling of trust and safety through her. It was weak, only a brief flash before it was gone, but it sent a clear message: Trust him. It’ll be okay.

She nodded. “What do I have to do?”

Crowley shifted his position so he was sitting in front of her. “I’m going to need you to stay as still as possible for me.” He instructed. “This’ll be similar to when I shared my memories, only this time you won’t see anything. You may feel a bit dizzy or get a bit of a headache, and you may hear some things, but don’t move. Whatever you do. Don’t. Move.”

Kaera nodded nervously. “What about you?” She asked before she could stop herself.

Crowley looked surprise for a second and then looked at the floor. “I’ll be okay.”

Kaera smirked slightly. “That’s bullshit and you know it.” She quoted.

“Heh.” Crowley let out a weak…well it barely counted as a laugh. More like a quick vocalized breath. “It won’t be pleasant, you caught me. But whatever you do, don’t try to help. Don’t touch me, don’t interrupt, just stay still. Can you do that for me?” Kaera nodded.

“It won’t work…” Hastur hissed, his voice louder this time. “You will be forced to endure this misery until you give in…”

“Hurry and do it! Please!” She begged. Crowley nodded and took a breath, setting his hand on her forehead.

At first there was silence and Kaera felt nothing. For a moment she thought Hastur was right and Crowley had lied again. But then a feeling began to spread all throughout her head. Not a pain, but a very interesting sensation, almost a pressure or a pulling feeling.

Crowley’s faced twisted, his eyebrows knit in concentration and his forehead began to dot with sweat. He twisted his head this way and that as if he had tasted something nasty. His fists were clenched and he was biting his lip.

Then the pressure in her head tightened, the pulling began to grow fierce, like someone was squeezing her very tight. She let out a groan and Crowley’s fingers curled against her forehead and hair.

“You will not banish me…You will not be rid of me…” Hastur promised. “I will not yield…I will not!”

Crowley let out a groan as well, a tension seizing his arm. “ _Get out of her head_.” She heard his voice echo in her ears, but his lips hadn’t moved. “ _Get out, and maybe I won’t kick your ass next time I see you_.”

“Your threats mean nothing Crowley…she is my host. She is Hell’s prize…we will not let her go…Give her up…give her back…”

A snarl came from Crowley’s throat. “ _I said leave _.”__

__Then her head erupted into a chorus of bloodcurdling screams. She couldn’t tell who the voices belonged to, only that they were shrieking very loud, so much that she couldn’t hear her own thoughts. Nothing existed aside from those screams. Not her thoughts or fears, not the outside world, not even her and Crowley. It was just those screams whirling all around._ _

__The tugging sensation in her head spread to her entire body, her fingers curled as a horrid tightness took over them. Something was pulling at her, clinging to her like a lamppost in a windstorm and they weren’t letting go. The tightness grew stronger and stronger. Until…_ _

__It broke._ _

__The sensation was gone. Her head was silent and clear. The voices had quieted down. The room was silent and still._ _

__Kaera opened her eyes and gasped. Crowley was on the floor, breathing heavily. He had bitten his lip so hard that it was bleeding and he was holding his chest. He needed help and quickly. She rose to her feet but for a brief moment, she paused. She waited for something else to happen, some other trick or illusion or for Hastur to whisper to her again, but nothing ever came. Her mind was silent for the first time in months. This wasn’t just a trick, she could tell. She was finally free._ _

__She took a breath and raced down the hall, a swirl of emotions overtaking her. She was overjoyed that Hastur was out of her head, worried about Crowley, still a little afraid of what was to come, and immensely tired. Her legs were shaking as she ran down the hall._ _

__“Aziraphale!” She called. “Aziraphale! I-it’s Crowley! He…he needs help!”_ _

__Aziraphale stood from his seat on the bed and rushed over to her. “Kaera? What’s happened?”_ _

__“He…he severed the connection…Hastur was still in my mind and…and Crowley sent him away but…but there were all these voices and they were screaming and he looked like he was in pain…he told me not to interfere because something might go wrong but I…I didn’t…I don’t…”_ _

__“It’s alright, my girl. Just breathe. I’ll take care of this.”_ _

__How in the hell was he so calm? There were times when she envied Aziraphale’s ability to stay so composed. There were times when he would panic or let his fear or agitation become visible, but most of the time, when there were people who needed him, he was remarkably calm._ _

__He quietly ran down the hall with Kaera following behind him, her knees shaking horribly. They found Crowley unconscious on the floor of Kaera’s bedroom. Aziraphale rushed over to his partner and put a hand on his head._ _

__“Will he be okay?” Kaera asked._ _

__“Wait a moment,” Aziraphale said, keeping his eyes on Crowley. Kaera did her best not flinch at the firmness in his voice. “I need to focus.” He kept one hand on the demon’s head and set the other on his chest, closing his eyes briefly and letting out a breath. “Yes, he should be fine.” He said after a few minutes of silence. “He just needs a little rest.”_ _

__Kaera knelt on the floor next to the two of them. “Is there anything I can do?” She asked._ _

__Aziraphale gave her a gentle smile and set a hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright, my dear, I've got this.” He picked Crowley up and started carrying him towards their bedroom. “He’ll be okay.” For a moment Kaera thought he was trying to convince himself as well as her. Before she had a chance to think about it, he was already in their room and had shut the door leaving Kaera alone in the hallway._ _

__She figured there was nothing for her to do but wait and see, so she walked downstairs, getting herself another glass of water, drinking it slowly and trying not to let the dizziness get too out of control. She was far too out of sorts to walk back up the stairs, so she settled herself on the couch, trying to ignore the spin of the room._ _

__Crowley had…helped her? He had done something to keep her from suffering? For one thing, she thought that that was something impossible for demons to do. She still wasn’t sure if doing good deeds was something that caused demons physical pain or if it was just taboo for them, but whatever the case, he had still done it. She was so sure that he wanted her dead. After what Beelzebub had told her, she was certain that his entire time befriending her was just a rouse to earn her trust before either killing her or turning her over to Hell. But she was wrong. He wasn’t playing that kind of game. He’d meant it when he said he and Aziraphale were on their own side. What was more, he had willingly hurt himself to make her life a little easier. And if he was telling the truth, that meant Aziraphale had been taking care of her for days now as well._ _

__The strange but welcome warmth spread through her chest again and for the first time since leaving Hell, she felt at ease. Not necessarily safe, but she did feel a little better, which, after the ordeals she had gone through, was a huge step in the right direction. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to trust them again, but in that moment, she felt like she could breath a little._ _

__Her head was heavy. She was still rather tired and before she knew it, her eyes had drifted closed and she was dozing soundly on the couch._ _

__Though she didn’t exactly know why, perhaps there were still some left that Crowley had yet to show her, but a few stray memories worked their way into her dreams._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all. Just watched Hamilton on Disney+ with my family and let me just say...EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! It was amazing, the choreography and the expressions of the actors and the cinematography, oh it was exquisite.  
> Thank you all for reading and being such lovely people, we're almost at 600 hits. Holy crap! I'm so thankful people are liking my story. Comments and kudos are very much appreciated.  
> Many thanks and hugs for TakeItEezy for being awesome and beta-ing my work (have a cookie).  
> Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day, Happy Fourth of July for all my American readers (but don't forget that freedom and justice are still things we need to fight for every day, especially for our black brothers and sisters and non-binary friends).


	40. Guardian At A Distance

Was this a dream? She was still in her body, but once again she couldn’t move, she was standing still and watching the scene in front of her, thoughts and feelings swirling all throughout her mind. 

No, this wasn’t a dream. 

It was another memory.

Through the darkness, two lights appeared, the headlights of the Bentley. Slowly, the car skidded to a stop and a lanky figure holding a little bundle wrapped in a gray blanket stepped out.

1977

It was late at night, probably close to one in the morning. Crowley still wasn’t happy about what he’d done, about what he was doing, but he’d completely run out of ideas.

It had been four days now. Haniel and Azazel had both been executed and Crowley had been running around frantically looking for someone who’d be willing to adopt Kaera, but so far he’d come up empty. If he wanted to keep this baby safe, he would have to make sure she grew up with a good family, far away from all this…far away from _him_. 

Aziraphale still wasn’t back from America and he was far smarter than Crowley was, so without any help from the angel, Crowley was absolutely floundering. He didn’t want to drop her off with any random family, what if they were cruel to her? He’d never forgive himself if that happened. Not like he’d forgive himself anyway, but still. The foster system was absolute garbage and raising her himself was out of the question, so what else could he do?

Finally he reached his destination. The large building loomed in front of him, looking rather frightening with all the lights turned off. He would have enjoyed the aesthetic if he wasn’t scared out of his mind thinking about what Hell would do to him if they ever found out.

He tried to keep his arms from shaking as he carried the small child to the doorstep.

“Dah?” A small voice chirped. Crowley looked down to see that the baby had worked up and was now looking at him with reddish yellow eyes. She was looking directly at him and smiling. He bit his lip. She had Azazel’s eyes. 

He tried to push the guilt out of his mind but one look from the baby sent another wave through him.

“Don’t worry,” he muttered, “these people’ll take care of you. Find you a good home.” He pulled the blanket a little tighter around the baby to keep her warm when she wrapped her little fingers around his thumb. Bless it all she just had to make him feel worse.

He set her down on the doorstep and snapped his fingers. A notecard, pen, and safety pin appeared in his hand. He uncapped the pen and scribbled a quick note.

_My name is Kaera_   
_My parents are gone_   
_Please take care of me_

Once he was finished, he stuck the pin through the top of the note and clipped it to one of the folds in the blanket and rang the doorbell, hoping someone was awake to hear it. As soon as his finger was off the button, he turned around and walked away, not even bothering to look back when the baby started to cry again. When he was far enough away that nobody would see him, he turned around and sat down on a nearby bench, keeping his eyes on the front door. After about an hour or so of listening to the screams and wails piercing the still night air, a woman in about her late thirties came to the door. She let out a gasp and scooped up the crying child, rocking her gently and whispering something to her. The note caught her attention and she unpinned it from the blanket, reading it carefully. She looked around for any sign of someone who could have left her but when she found nobody, she went back to calming the infant and walked back inside, the night became quiet again.

That was it then. He’d done what he’d needed to do. But as he walked back to the Bentley, climbed into the driver’s seat, and turned the key, a sick feeling washed over him. He couldn’t just abandon her, but he didn’t want to have any kind of bad influence on her life. She was so full of potential and being around him would just spoil it all. But he still wanted to make sure his friends’ daughter was doing alright. Surely checking in every now and then wouldn’t be against the rules.

He drove back to Mayfair and parked outside his flat. As he walked up the stairs and into his flat, one thought was on his mind and it only became louder as he collapsed into bed. 

How had he gotten himself into such a mess?

1983

He didn’t usually hang around local parks. If he were with Aziraphale, it would have been a different story, but since he was alone, he looked so much more suspicious and felt so much more awkward. What made matters worse was that it was a particularly lovely day. The birds were twittering, the air was full of the sound of children playing and laughing, and Crowley was sitting on a park bench, feeling rather stupid. This was no scene for a demon, but he had someone to keep an eye on.

One small girl with dirty blonde hair wearing a set of overalls was playing tag with the rest of the children, laughing and running as fast as her little legs would carry her. It was so cute Crowley wanted to vomit

To anyone else, she would have seemed to be a completely normal child. Crowley wondered when she would begin to suspect what she was. He had been keeping a close eye on her for a few years now and nothing had happened. For a brief moment he wondered if he was wasting his time. She seemed to be doing just fine, she was flourishing among the other children and didn’t seem to be in need of answers or lacking of affection. 

Besides, he had his own duties to get back to and if what Haniel and Azazel had told him was true, he had to be extra careful so Hell wouldn’t question his loyalty.

It still hurt to think about his friends. The ache hadn’t faded even after five years. It was a relatively short time for a demon, but Crowley had never mourned for someone before. He thought it would fade after maybe a few months or even a year, but it wouldn’t fade. It still fucking hurt. He did his best to shove everything to the back of his mind so he could get on with his life and carry out his duties but every so often it would creep into his mind and he would have to push it back again.

He sighed and stood up, heading to the entrance of the park and back to central London. He was meeting Aziraphale in a half hour for lunch and he needed to get his shit together.

If he had waited for just a while longer, he would have seen a rather rude boy run up to the small blonde girl and shove her, sending her splattering into the mud. If he had further watched, he would have seen that same small boy get hit in the head with a frisbee, even though nobody around had thrown one.

1985

Crowley sighed as he walked out of the park. The kid still looked like she was only five. She’d looked five for three years now and none of the humans around her had noticed. Heck, she didn’t even notice that her friends were all slowly getting older and she was staying the same age. He wondered how long aging would take her. Her parents had told him that the wards would last until her childhood was over. Did that mean eighteen years from now, no matter how old she appeared then, or when she appeared to be eighteen, however many years in the future that was?

No. Don’t think of them.

He angrily bit his lip as he walked from the park.

“Crowley?” A familiar voice chirped. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned around and faced Aziraphale.

“Hey, Angel.” He said, eyes wide behind his sunglasses.

“I didn’t think you’d be one for spending time in the park on a Sunday morning.”

Crowley shrugged, though on the inside he was starting to get a little nervous. “Just had a quick temptation to take care of.” He said as casually as he could.

“Well, are you busy right now? I’d rather enjoy a bit of lunch right about now.” His tone wasn’t that usually chipper lilt. There was a heaviness to his eyes that usually was only there when he had just come out of a long night of thinking.

“Sure.” Crowley answered. “Whatever y’want.”

The two began walking down the street, absolutely silent. It wasn’t like Aziraphale to be so quiet. Usually he would be cheerfully going on about something or other. But today he was so quiet. So pensive. “Something on your mind, Angel?” Crowley asked.

“As a matter of speaking, yes.” Aziraphale said, well it was more of a conspiratorial whisper. “It’s about Haniel and Azazel.” The familiar sting worked its way through Crowley’s chest along with a quick shot of nerves. “I think I might know the reason they were destroyed.”

“You mean aside from the obvious?” Crowley asked, doing his best to hide the pain.

“Oh. Well yes.” He said sheepishly. “I did some digging. Three days before they were…well you know,” the angel’s face fell slightly, “well there was a rather large burst of energy. Both occult and ethereal. It came from Haniel’s abode. Most other angels overlooked this because after they were discovered, their records were all searched for anything incriminating, any other information about them was passed over. The burst of energy showed that they summoned their true forms and their essences were woven together, they all thought that that was the end of it. But I went a little deeper. Most other angels wouldn’t bother being so meticulous unless they were looking for something specific, usually I’m not so cautious either but I just felt that there was something missing and-”

“Angel just spit it out.” 

Aziraphale flushed again. “Oh, erm yes. Apologies. Well, before the burst, there were two essences. After the burst, there were three. I’m beginning to wonder if they had a child.”

A fierce tension broke all over Crowley’s body and a cold swept through him. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. He should have been grateful that Aziraphale knew, maybe he’d be able to help. But in that moment, all he felt was panic. He couldn’t tell Aziraphale that he knew about Kaera, then he’d have to tell him about the last conversation he had with Haniel and Azazel and he’d have to break his promise. Besides, the angel was still loyal to Heaven. He still was reluctant to admit that they had their own side. Crowley was stupidly hopeful that he’d eventually come around to the idea but he couldn’t run the risk when Kaera’s life was potentially on the line. Besides, if he told Heaven, it would be both of their asses. All three of them actually. If they found out about Kaera, they would find out about Crowley’s connection to her, and her parents and maybe even Aziraphale’s connection, both to Haniel and Azazel and to him. They were both tangled up in a mess of trouble, the only difference was Crowley was aware of his part in it. Aziraphale was blissfully ignorant.

“Well, if they did had a child, what d’you think happened to her-erm it?” Crowley said, trying to be inconspicuous.

Aziraphale was too deep in thought to notice his slip-up. “I don’t know. And I don’t know where to start looking. They could have hidden their child anywhere. And I don’t want to alert anyone in Heaven.” He sighed. “Do you have any ideas, Crowley?” 

A nervous sweat broke out over the back of Crowley’s neck. They had told him they wanted Aziraphale in Kaera’s life as well, but in that moment, the only thing he could register was how much trouble Aziraphale would be in if he got involved. His carelessness had almost gotten Aziraphale killed once and he would not let it happen again. “Nothing.” He lied. “Nothing at all.”

1989

The girl was twelve but looked seven. She still seemed perfectly normal to Crowley, though she was certainly a little shyer than she was before and the other children were beginning to avoid her more often.

She approached a group of four girls sitting in a circle and began talking to them. One of them said something back and Kaera looked at the ground, muttering to herself. The other girls started laughing and Kaera spoke up again. The girl that spoke to her originally stood up from her spot on the ground and pushed her over, the other girls laughed again. A second girl from the group stood up as well. She was holding a bottle of soda, which she handed to the other girl, who promptly poured it on Kaera, who began to cry. The girls, satisfied with their work, walked back to the other two and continued their conversation or game.

It bothered Crowley to watch but he still did nothing. He had a bit of a soft spot for children but sometimes they could be real dicks, especially to each other. It was just human nature, it was part of the reason he was so fond of humanity, they had the choice of good or evil. And that did mean that most of them would choose evil. 

Kaera sat in the dirt, covered in soda. She watched the other girls with rage on her face, tears running down her cheeks. She stood up, her tiny hands balled into fists as she glared at the other girls. 

Suddenly one of them screamed. Then another one of them screamed. Then all four of them were letting out bloodcurdling shrieks, clawing at their backs, pockets, and trousers. One of the girls was shaking her knees and out of her pant leg slithered a brown and white adder. Several hissing cockroaches crawled out of the back of one of the girl’s dress. One girl threw off her shoe as a rat crawled out. The girl who pushed Kaera, who seemed to be the leader of the group fell to her hands and knees, hacking and coughing until an enormous hairy spider fell out of her mouth. Honestly, if he weren’t confused out of his mind, Crowley would have found it a fitting curse. A snake, a cockroach, a rat, and a spider. Seemed they knew their roles and Crowley would have been quite proud of the curse.

If he were the one to have issued it.

But that was just it. He wasn’t.

The other children were screaming or gasping as well as they watched the scene. One of the adults came over to the group of girls and began checking them for bites or scratches while the four girls were crying hysterically. Kaera stood off to the side, pale and utterly terrified, looking at her hands. Both she and Crowley recognized what had just happened. That was a demonic act and she had caused it. 

Crowley had been getting too close. Even when he hadn’t had any contact with her he still had influence over her. This was exactly what he was afraid would happen. He needed to get away from her as soon as possible, before he made anything worse. 

As he rose from the bench he took one final look back at her. She was looking right at him, just as scared as she was before. He lowered his face and began walking speedily towards the exit to the park.

That was the last time he had seen her. He knew he had to put her behind him, for her own sake and safety. He put her in that small box in the back of his mind with his memories of her parents and everything else that was either too terrifying or too painful to think about. In time, he let her slip away. Though she was always present in the back of his mind, he seemed to forget about her. After all, he had bigger things to worry about, like raising the antichrist, avoiding the apocalypse, confessing to Aziraphale. He hadn’t spared too much time to think about her.

Until nearly thirty years later when he hit someone with his car and was faced with those red and yellow eyes once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow! 40 chapters? It's official. I have no life. Hello all I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated.   
> Many thanks and so much love to TakeItEezy for being my fantastic beta and friend. Go show them support and read their work it's fantastic.   
> Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	41. Clearing the Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Brief Mentions of Sexual Assault and Abuse

Crowley opened his eyes, once again in the present. That wasn’t just a dream, it was a memory without a doubt. But there was still that pull in his head that only showed up when he was sharing a memory. Was Kaera in there with him as well? Why? What was she doing there? 

Well okay, sometimes sharing memories came with drawbacks such as sharing too much or delayed reshare but Crowley usually had a such good handle on his memories. That still didn’t explain why Kaera…

Wait, Kaera! Was she alright? Did it work? Was Hastur still in her head?

Crowley quickly sat up and then regretted it. His head felt like it weighed a ton and there was a horrible ache in his neck.

Aziraphale sat in a chair by their bed reading a book. He looked up and let out a sigh of relief when he saw Crowley was awake.

“Don’t scare me like that.” He scolded, but he sounded too relieved for it to actually sound like a scolding. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, just great.” He felt like shit. “Where’s Kaera?”

“Last I checked, she was downstairs. Why-”

“Is she alright?”

“I believe so. Crowley wait-“

Before he could tell Crowley that he needed to rest, the demon had leapt from the bed and was racing down the stairs.

* * * * * 

Kaera was more than a little confused as she woke up. Had Crowley really been there watching her? Perhaps that’s why he had seemed so familiar when he had first hit her with his car. Now that she thought about it, she remembered feeling some kind of presence watching her that day when Bobby pushed her, and she remembered the man with the dark sunglasses that day when Mary and Blanche had poured soda on her. She didn’t remember much from those times, it was far away and foggy, as were most of her memories from early childhood, but she remembered the feeling of fear and utter confusion as she watched the spider tumble from Mary’s mouth. It was strange to watch her own memories unfolding in front of her again. It was even more bizarre to have Crowley’s thoughts and feelings invade her mind as she watched.

The pained deja vu from the remnants of the memories came over her heart again as she recalled the moment Crowley crashed into her and saw her eyes. He had done his best to forget about her and she had just come waltzing back into his life again. He didn’t need that kind of burden, that kind of pain. He didn’t need a reminder of what he’d lost every time he looked at her face, with her Poma’s hair and her Mapa’s eyes. It must have been torture to even have her under his roof.

Then she remembered that she wasn’t supposed to care. He had betrayed her parents.

But…but it hadn’t been his choice. That had been the hardest bit of information to wrap her head around. Beelzebub had only told her about Crowley’s betrayal a few days ago…or…or was it a week? Her mind was too tired to register time anymore. Either way, it had only been sitting in her mind for a short while, but it had been stewing all that time and that burst of rage she saw when she saw Crowley again had almost frightened her. But it was the only thing in her mind that made sense. He needed to pay.

But he _had_ been paying for it. He’d been paying for it for forty-two years. He never wanted it.

“ _They already suspect me! I’m already fucked, why should I drag you two down with me?_ ”

He had tried everything to reason with them. To get them to let him take the fall. He had tried to save them…he had saved _her_.

Something inside her released, something clicked into place, bloomed up to see the sun. The anger that she’d been pressing down on like an open cut, pulsing and bleeding against her thumb and letting build and burst, had begun to flow freely. The pressure was no longer building and she could breathe again.

There was still anger present in her heart, but it wasn’t for Crowley. She was angry at Hell. When she was younger, she thought of a demon as a being unable to feel love at all. She kept that belief until she met Crowley. She could see how much he loved Aziraphale and, to a lesser extent but it was still there, her. Crowley wasn’t like other demons, and she had seen firsthand what they were like. They thought of love as an infliction or illness to be avoided at all costs. It was a weakness to them. 

She recalled Ligur’s voice in the memory: “ _We can’t have demon’s going ‘round fallin’ in love and thwarting our glorious plans._ ” For a brief moment, she pitied them. She may have not had a very loving childhood or a very loving life, but she still knew what love felt like and a life without it just seemed cold, empty, and numb. She’d felt numb for a long time, ever since that time with Ma…she’d felt numb for years. She’d learned to block out the world, block out everyone. And it was the worst she’d ever felt. But she found people who cared. People who, she wanted to believe at least, loved her.

Her pendent sent a shot of warmth through her chest and she ran her fingers over the little engraved feathers.

Not every demon was appalled by the thought of love. After all, that was the whole reason she was here wasn’t it?

Her thoughts were interrupted by someone trampling clumsily down the stairs. She jumped from the couch, hoping she wouldn’t have to fight anyone off again. To her surprise, Crowley came running into the den.

‘ _Well_ he _recovered quickly._ ’ She thought.

“Kaera!” He breathed. “Are you alright? You’re not hurt are you?” He rushed over to her, looking her up and down.

“Yes.” She insisted. “Yes I’m fine. A little dizzy, kinda tired, and pretty confused, but I’m alright.” She gave him a cursory glance. “Are _you_ okay? You look exhausted.”

He was swaying back and forth and kept forcing his eyes to stay open.

“‘M fine.” He muttered. She gave him a look as he collapsed onto the couch. “Need a drink.”

“I’ll get you some water.” Kaera offered.

Crowley held up his hand. “I need a _real_ drink.” 

Kaera nodded. “Wine or whiskey?”

“Scotch.”

She nodded again and walked into the kitchen, pulling out two small glasses. It was probably best that she leave the nice glasses where they were, the way both of them were looking it wouldn’t surprise her if one of the glasses got dropped.

“It should be in the liquor cabinet.” Crowley called.

“Which cabinet is the liquor cabinet?” She called back.

“Y’know what, I’ll get it.”

“That may not be-“ A clatter kept her from finishing her warning and when she came back out, Crowley was lying face first on the floor, trying to keep what was less of his dignity in tact. “Now how did that work out for you?” She chided.

“Shuttup.” Crowley muttered, his voice muffled by the carpet. He started to up again.

“Get back on the couch.” Kaera said firmly. “You’re just going to fall over again and I don’t feel like getting Azirphale down here to pick your sorry ass back up so you’d best sit down.” Crowley could tell she was teasing but was still nervous by the firmness in her voice. Maybe she was still angry with him. Still, he was too tired to argue, so he obliged. “Now which cabinet is the liquor cabinet?”

“Just over there,” Crowley answered, pointing towards a discreet little cabinet in the corner of the den, next to the wine rack.

As Kaera walked over and opened the little door, she noticed Azirpahale on the stairs, watching the encounter. He was waiting in case things began to go south, but for now, he would just watch. Kaera sighed, not wanting to call attention to him. She pulled a crystal bottle out of the cabinet and did her best to not let her nerves shake her too much. ‘ _That isn’t an imposter. That’s Aziraphale. This isn’t Hell, this is England._ ’ She had to keep reminding herself.

As carefully as she could, she poured a glass for Crowley and a much smaller amount for herself before putting the bottle back and sitting on the couch, heading Crowley his drink.

“Thanks.” He muttered,

“Oh, I forgot ice-“ 

Crowley snapped his fingers and three ice cubes appeared in each of their glasses. “You shouldn’t be using your powers.” She scolded. “You’re worn enough as it is. You don’t want to make it worse.”

Crowley shrugged nonchalantly. Neither of them had the energy to continue the argument further.

The demon held out his drink toward her. “Cheers.” He said as she knocked her glass against his.

She’d never had scotch before. She’d never had any kind of alcohol before. The other kids in the orphanage would occasionally sneak a beer but she always knew better than to drink alcohol before she was legal…also none of them every invited her to drink with them. One sip was all it took to tell her how inexperienced she was. For one thing, she was not expecting it to burn. The only thing she could think was, ‘ _Taking a drink is not supposed to hurt!_ ’ But somehow she still managed to drink the rest, the second and third sip were much less painful than the first.

After they’d finished their drinks, they sat in silence for a good long while. Both of them knew they needed to talk this out but neither of them wanted to be the one to start it.

Finally, after several minutes of painful silence, Crowley spoke. “Sooooo…interesting few days, hmm?”

Kaera chuckled weakly. “I guess it has been.” She took a breath and looked at her empty glass, a twinge of guilt coming over her. She had never been good at apologizing, she always made everything so awkward, but she knew she needed to do this. “I’m sorry.” She said, looking at the floor. “I’m so sorry. About everything, before I ran away and for this morning. I didn’t know what to do…I was so confused…”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down there.” In truth, Crowley hadn’t expected to be on the receiving end of an apology. He never had been before, with the acceptation of Aziraphale, and he honestly didn’t know how to react. “What on earth are you apologizing for? If anything, I-”

“I tried to kill you.” She said, a guilty knot forming in her chest. “Both you and Aziraphale. I…I tried to kill you with a knife.”

“That wasn’t your fault. “

“But I-“

“You felt like you weren’t in control. Like you were a guest in your own head. You were still conscious of what you were doing, but you couldn’t do anything about it.” He wasn’t guessing. He knew exactly what had happened in her head that night.

“H-how did you-“

“You were being possessed.” He said flatly, looking at his empty glass. “It was Hastur. He always goes overboard when he possesses people.” There was an intense bitterness in his voice.

“But I should have fought it. Maybe if I had been a little stronger-”

“No. Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t control yourself. That’s the whole point of possession. You didn’t ask for it to happen, you didn’t want it to happen. So you shouldn’t be blaming yourself.”

"I still tried to kill you last night didn't I?" She said. "And then again this morning. I was perfectly in control then and I still tried to do it."

"You were scared and angry. You didn't know how else to deal with your pain." He sighed heavily. “If anything, I should be apologizing to you.”

“You already did, remember?” 

“But I still mean it now, and I still am sorry. Just because I already apologized doesn’t mean I’m not still sorry. You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t _want_ you to and I don’t deserve it. I just think you should know.”

So, now they got to the root of everything. Kaera thought for a good long time, turning over every single thought in her mind. She knew Crowley hadn’t wanted to report her parents, but he still did it. He was following their wishes, but he still sold them out. He had kept her safe, but he’d also abandoned her when she’d needed him most. There were so many icky feelings and conflicting thoughts inside her. It made her feel confused and emotionally worn out, but there was no anger, not towards Crowley at least. She was nowhere near the level of comfort or friendliness she had with him before she found out but for the most part her anger had subsided.

She looked up at Crowley. “I don’t think I’m angry with you anymore.” She said gently.

Crowley looked shocked. “You should be. You honestly should be.”

“I know. Part of me feels like I should still be mad at you. Part of me thinks that I should pound you into the ground for what you did. But the rest of me knows that you had no choice. You were honoring the wishes of your friends. They aren’t mad at you.” She put her hand over her pendant, over her heart. “So I’m not mad at you.”

A pained expression came over Crowley’s face. “You really shouldn’t be so forgiving.”

“Holding a grudge is too exhausting.” Kaera said. "I know that much.”

“I’ve done horrible things, especially to you. I don’t deserve your kindness.”

Something changed in Kaera after he said that. In the same way she would want to comfort someone and say they were worth something when they thought they were worthless, she wanted to tell Crowley that he was deserving of her kindness. She only had that kind of gut reaction when someone had earned it. She didn’t give her kindness away easily. But after hearing Crowley say he didn’t deserve it, she saw he needed it.

“Crowley,” Kaera looked the demon square in the eyes, “I saw your memories but I also heard your thoughts. I felt what you felt. When Ligur asked if there was anything else you wanted to report, you thought of me. You thought about what would happen if they found me and you were determined to make sure I stayed safe. You could have reported me or given me to Ligur and washed your hands of this whole mess, but you didn’t. You lied to Hell for my sake. That put you in a lot of danger and you did it anyway. You saved my life. ”

“I’m the reason your parents are dead. I abandoned you.”

“I know. Don’t you think I haven’t been thinking about everything you showed me, looking for the slightest detail I missed, the smallest reason to hate you?” Crowley locked eyes with her again and went silent. “It hurts. Good God it hurts. You hurt me and I’ll never forget that pain. But you were doing what you had to do. I really wish things could have gone differently. But I can’t do anything to change it. I can either let it control me, or I can try to find peace with it. And that starts with sorting out how I feel about you. You’re my friend. You're their friend." She put her hand over her pendant again. "You were doing what they asked. I don’t like it, but I can try to accept it.”

Crowley looked at her quizzically before smiling weakly. “That would be Haniel shining through.” He said. “They were always too forgiving. And they were always trying to move forward, never looking back.” He chuckled. “They were pretty reckless for an angel.” The tiny smile grew a bit bigger. “You look a lot like them. Both of them.”

She lowered her gaze back to the ground. The comparison should have made her happy or proud, but she was an utter disaster and a complete mess. What would they think if they could see her now?

Crowley put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, look at me.” She slowly raised her eyes. “They would be proud of you.”

The emotion and weight of everything threatened to fall on her, but she wouldn’t let it. She couldn’t let anyone see how vulnerable she was. She wouldn’t let them see her weakness.

“You alright, kid?” Crowley asked.

She smirked a little. “I’m eighteen Crowley. Well technically I’m forty-two. Hardly a kid.”

Crowley smirked as well. “I’m over six thousand. Everyone on Earth is a kid compared to me.”

That got a little laugh out of Kaera. “Yeah, ‘m alright I guess.”

Crowley looked at her. “You know I don’t believe that.”

She sighed, looking at the floor again. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet.” She said quietly.

“Okay. We won’t talk about it.”

That gave her pause. Privacy and respect were foreign things in Hell. In the past few weeks, she’d had her personal space invaded, her body touched and tortured, and was punished for showing the slightest hint of emotion or empathy. For a moment when “I don’t want to talk about it” slipped out of her mouth, a small part of her mind expected Crowley to slap her and say something along the lines of, “Too bad. I don’t care what you think.” But he was respectful. It was almost sad to think about that respect for her wishes and privacy was such a shock to her, but she was grateful that he was willing to let her take her recovery at her own pace.

“Thank you.” She whispered after a long time thinking. “I guess we’re on even footing here.”

No answer. She looked over to see that Crowley had fallen back asleep, a contented smile on his face. Kaera sighed and smiled as well. “I forgive you, Crowley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So I have way too many ideas running around in my head that I want to write but I don't have the time. Oh well. Thank you for reading. Kudos and Comments are much appreciated and make me so very happy.  
> All my love to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta. Go give them appreciation and check out their work. They're awesome.  
> Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	42. Traces of Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Flashbacks of violence, self-loathing

“You can stop spying, Aziraphale. We’re done talking.” Kaera called, careful not to wake Crowley. Aziraphale tiptoed down the stairs and into the den, a bit of a sheepish flush on his cheeks when he realized he’d been found out.

Kaera had done her best to ignore the feeling of having eyes on her all throughout her conversation with Crowley, but the fear had been there. It had been very potent and no amount of soothing warmth from her pendent would make it go away. Even as Azirpahale stepped closer, a little jolt passed through her chest, despite her mind protesting that Aziraphale was her friend and that he meant her no harm.

Aziraphale looked down at the sleeping demon and smiled, gently carding his fingers through his ginger hair. “Good talk, I presume?” He asked as he pulled Crowley into his arms bridal style.

“Yes, you could say that,” Kaera muttered as she stood up and followed the angel, the nerves in her chest rescinded slightly but didn’t go away entirely. As they walked, a water bottle tumbled out of Crowley’s pocket. Kaera flinched as it hit the floor.

“Would you mind picking that up dear?” Aziraphale asked. Why? What did he want her to do with it? Was he planning on forcing her to drink it? No, no he wouldn’t. He _knew_ it was holy water didn’t he? He must, after all Crowley told her that Aziraphale kept some around in case of emergencies. 

Still, it wouldn’t be good to have him angry at her…no he wasn’t going to hurt her. Stop worrying. 

She grimaced at her own conflicting thoughts as she bent down to pick up the bottle. The angel smiled at her as he carried Crowley up the stairs and into their bedroom, gently draping the quilt over him and planting the softest of kisses onto his forehead. It would have appeared to be quite lovely and sweet to Kaera if she hadn’t been shaking with anxiety and exhaustion, her eyes darting back and forth between the angel and the bottle in her hands. Azirphale noticed her less than alright demeanor and sighed sadly. The angel stood up and took the bottle from her, gently setting a warm hand on her shoulder. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked. “Do you think you still have a fever?”

Kaera shrugged. “I think I’m alright.” Kaera was in fact not alright. She was exhausted, hungry, and she felt just about ready to collapse. 

Aziraphale reached for her forehead but hesitated, not wanting to frighten her.

“May I?” He asked. Kaera nodded and he set his palm against her forehead. Despite herself, the ball of nerves in her stomach jumped into her throat. _He’s not going to hurt me._ She tried to convince herself. _He’s just checking for a temperature._

Aziraphale hummed as he lowered his hand. “No fever, but your corporation is still incredibly weak.”

“So…?”

“So back to bed with you.” He said, leading her down the hall to her bedroom. She was too tired to argue so she simply followed him into her room and crawled into bed. Aziraphale was about to leave when he noticed the untouched bowl of soup on the bedside table. “Perhaps you should eat something before going back to sleep. You haven’t had a proper meal in six days.”

“Two and a half weeks.” She corrected. Aziraphale gave her a confused look as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I was…I was in Hell for two weeks and asleep for three days.”

Aziraphale’s confused expression changed to one of sadness. “Dear you were only gone for three days.”

That couldn’t have been right. She was sure it had been two weeks. Or…or was it…There weren’t any clocks in Hell and they didn’t allow her any time to sleep. She counted the days by how many times she had to deliver daily beatings and whenever she would pass Beelzebub in the hallway only to be tripped and get a faceful of concrete. She’d counted them carefully and she was certain it had been fourteen days.

“Aziraphale?” Kaera asked weakly. “What day was it when I left?”

“Sunday, I believe.”

“No, what day of the month?”

“The twentieth of October. Why?”

Kaera didn’t answer, but opened the drawer on the table beside her and took out her phone, clicking the power button with a trembling finger. 

_Saturday, 26th of October._

It was true, she’s only been away for three days. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal to her, but something about it just disturbed her, left a yawning pit of disgust and horror inside of her as she raked her hand through her hair. “All that horror packed into three days.” She murmured. “I couldn’t even withstand three bloody days.”

“No. No my dear. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t a weakness.”

She was too tired to correct him. Aziraphale was too much of an optimist. He had too much faith in her. She honestly didn’t know if he really didn’t see what a pathetic being she was or if he was just being kind. Either way, she didn’t want to make this worse by pointing it out, she didn’t want him to see it, so she just sighed and nodded. The angel smiled and picked up the bowl of soup, a quick miracle ensured that it had warmed once again before he passed it to Kaera. One whiff of it was enough to remind her just how hungry she was. Even if she didn’t need food, her corporation had grown used to it after forty-two years of existence, so going without it for such a long time was a bad idea. She gave Aziraphale a grateful smile, which disappeared and morphed into a look of panic as she saw him pour the contents of the water bottle into the newly repaired glass.

“What on _earth_ are you dong?!” She nearly shouted.

Aziraphale jumped a little at her rise in tone, but ultimately just looked confused. “Pouring you some water…?” He said.

“Are you nuts? That’ll kill me!”

Aziraphale looked at her and then at the bottle in his hand. “Dear, this is just regular water. It’s not holy or infernal at all.”

She groaned raking her hands through her hair again. “Dammit Crowley.” She muttered. She looked back up at Aziraphale. “He told me it was holy water. Can’t say I blame him. I _was_ trying to kill him, but he…never mind it isn’t important.”

“If you don’t want to drink it, you don’t have to.” Azirpahale said gently. “But either way, you need to eat something and then you need to sleep.” Kaera shrugged. The water she could do without, but the soup smelled absolutely amazing and she was famished. 

She picked up a spoonful and gently sipped it.

There was heat, a sizzling of metal on flesh. Cheering demons surrounded her and Beelzebub’s stern, scowling expression loomed in front of her, the poker in their grip.

No. No. Please no!

The heat was in her mouth, down her throat, ripping her neck to shreds and lighting an inferno from the inside out. She couldn’t escape, she had to sit there and let them push the poker further and further down her throat, scarring her and tearing her to pieces.

She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breath. She couldn’t scream.

There was no air.

No air!

A shriek escaped her and her whole body seized, tensing and curling into a ball, knocking the soup onto the floor.

“Kaera!” Aziraphale gasped.

“NononononononoNO!” She whimpered. 

“Kaera, Kaera I’m here, it’s alright.” Aziraphale said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

That face. It wore a smile as it pushed a knife into her stomach, carving her like a Christmas ham. He wanted to hurt her again.

“Don’t touch me!” She screamed, shoving him away and putting her hands over her head.

“Kaera, it’s alright. Take some deep breaths. You’re somewhere safe.” Aziraphale’s voice was soft and comforting, with a trace of angelic peace bringing her slowly out of her panic. When she looked up at him, his blue eyes were full of concern and confusion.

“I-I’m sorry.” She murmured. “I don’t know what came over me. I-I’m okay though.”

“Dear that was a flashback. That’s something serious. You can’t just undermine it like that.”

“Look, I’ll be fine. Just…just give me a bit of time to myself. Please.”

Aziraphale looked like he wanted to protest, but decided against it, sighing heavily. “Alright, love. I’ll give you some space. Just give a shout if you need anything.” He said, rising from the bed and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.

If she needed anything. She needed quite a bit. Perhaps a mind that wasn’t broken, a pulse that didn’t spike every five seconds, maybe just the smallest trace of sanity would be nice.

Aziraphale’s saddened expression passed through her mind again. He was doing everything he could to take care of her and all she could do was yell at him and be afraid of him. He wouldn’t hurt a fly and yet every time she was in the same room as him that stupid ball of nerves appeared in her chest. And she hated it! She knew it hadn’t been real. It hadn’t really been Aziraphale that had stabbed her or kept her in a cage, yet her mind still reeled back to those moments whenever she was around him. She wanted to keep it at bay but it was too strong for her. Why did she have to go and spoil everything?

She sighed and settled down into bed, listening to the sound of the birds outside her window. 

No, she’d be better. She’d do everything in her power to be stronger. She wouldn’t let them see how afraid she was. She would make everything just fine. She was okay.

She was okay. 

She would be okay.

…

She never was very good at lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Honestly, I've been kind of a writing machine the past couple of days and it feels great to be so productive.   
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being so awesome. Go give them some love, their work is awesome.  
> Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	43. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Flashbacks of trauma, re-experiencing of sexual assault, panic attacks. Be safe and take care of your mental health

‘ _Okay, not a big deal. It’s just a quick shower. And you need one, you smell horrible. Just do it. Just do it!_ ’

Kaera stood alone in the bathroom, the door locked, the shower in front of her. She’d gathered towels and fresh clothes to change into the only thing that was left to do was undress and get in. That was where the problem stood. The last time she’d undressed…it hadn’t exactly been her choice and every time she thought about it, a wash of memories came over her. She did her best to distract herself before going into a panic, but if that was how she behaved when thinking about it, imagine what would happen if she actually tried to undress.

Crowley and Aziraphale still knew nothing about what had happened to her and she wanted to keep it that way. They already thought so little of her, she didn’t need them thinking any less. 

She sighed heavily. She hadn’t had a decent shower in over a week and she was filthy. There were still bits of her covered in dirt and dried blood and she felt really bad about ruining Aziraphale and Crowley’s linens, so she needed a shower.

Another breath escaped her and she told herself to just get it over with. Her fingers trembled as she worked at the buttons on the pajama shirt, slowly pulling it from her shoulders, the cold air brushing over her arms, chest and stomach. There were still bites all over her arms and legs that itched something horrible. Aziraphale been kind enough to get some antivenin and cream that was much more potent than the kind he’d first applied. Of course when he’d given it to her, she had to force herself to apply it, her stupid nerves telling her that he’d done something to poison it. She’d even gone so far as to rub a bit on the flower sitting by her bed to see if it withered. She was being silly. She knew he would never hurt her but that didn’t stop the alarm bells form ringing in her head, much quieter than before, but they still rang.

She huffed as she pulled off the pajama bottoms. The burns on her feet were also beginning to slowly heal and she could walk around the house without layers and layers of bandages, though she’d have to sit down a bit after walking around for more than ten minutes. The bruises on her legs were also beginning to fade. Small blessings, she supposed.

As she folded the clothes and set them on the bathroom counter, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. The outline of the bite still was no longer red but she could see the teeth marks in her skin. She swallowed. Those teeth had dug into her skin, taken a bite out of her like she was a meal. 

No, no NO! Enough of that. 

She set her clothes down on the counter, turning back towards the shower, still wearing her bra and panties. Sweat began to trickle down her neck as she reached for the clasp at her back. Her arms went rigid when the feeling of hands clasping her wrists jostled her. 

“Don’t be so shy.” A familiar ghost of a voice said. The stench of sweat and body odor filled her nose again. “We can have such fun.” He asked as his hands ran down her front again. No, this wasn’t real, this was a trick that much she knew. But his hands were just as cold and wandering as they were back in Hell. 

A tightness rose in her chest, making it hard to breathe. It wasn’t just him with her. Eyes on her, everywhere, people watching her, staring at her. Staring at the freak, the hybrid, she was surrounded. People jeering and pointing all around her. Sinking, shaking, the darkness was suffocating her but the eyes all around her were glowing with that sickening pale light. She was small, vulnerable, exposed. 

The touches became more invasive, running down her leg and into her panties. No, he’d never gotten that far! She’d fought back and he’d disappeared. Nononononono no please!

The jeering and talking and laughing was pounding in her ears and she was cold. Naked and cold. The pounding grew louder until it was a deafening boom. It could have been noise from around her, from the ground, it could have been her pulse. But there was nothing she could do to escape.

“Kaera! Kaera wake up!”

How did she end up on the floor? 

It was cold and she was covered in sweat. Her eyesight was blurred and her ears felt like they were stuffed with cotton. Something warm and fluffy laid itself over her stomach, chest, and legs, covering her from the sight of the jeering crowd. The memory of her attacker seemed to have dissipated but the handprints against her body still seemed burned into her flesh. She opened her mouth to speak but the only thing that came from her lips was a string of gibberish.

“Don’t try to talk dear. Just take some deep breaths.”

Slowly, her eyes came back into focus as she steadily got control of he breathing, her chest rising and falling. She found herself on the floor of the bathroom in nothing but her bra and underwear, a soft blanket over her body and Crowley sitting next to her, dabbing at the sweat her forehead with a small hand towel. Aziraphale knelt on the floor as well, slightly off behind Crowley. She tried to speak but her throat was horribly dry and she began coughing. Crowley glanced over his shoulder at the angel.

“Get some water from the tap.” He asked.

Made sense he would ask him to get it from the tap. Kaera likely wouldn’t trust it if he miracled it. Well she likely wouldn’t trust it anyway, but she was too tired and confused to really notice. 

Aziraphale grabbed a glass from the counter and filled it with tap water before handing it to Crowley, who held it out to Kaera.

“Drink this.” The demon said gently. Kaera sat up, the blanket shifting down slightly, exposing her chest. She went red in the face and shivered, pulling it up to her neck. One of the two snapped his fingers and a second blanket appeared on the ground next to her, which Crowley picked up and draped over her shoulders, offering her a bit more covering. She gave a weak smile and took the water, downing the whole thing in less than ten seconds.

“Wha…what happened?” She gasped.

“We heard a thud and when we came up here you were on the floor shivering and mumbling to yourself.” Crowley explained.

Great. As if this all couldn’t get any more embarrassing. Kaera pulled the blanket closer, as if she could cover up her shame.

“Kaera, what happened?” Aziraphale asked gently. 

This was a test, a way to get her to spill her weakness, a way to…no she wasn’t in Hell anymore. She had to stop thinking like that. And she had to let them know that she was okay…even if she wasn’t.

“Nothing.” She lied. “Nothing I’m fine.”

Both Crowley and Aziraphale gave her a “you’re full of it” look.

“You’re not fine. You just had a ruddy panic attack on the bathroom floor.” Crowley protested.

“You make it sound like it was worse than it was.” Kaera said flatly.

“Kaera, please we want to help-” Aziraphale began.

“I said _I’m fine_.” She repeated, a little more firm this time. 

Crowley heaved out a sigh. You couldn’t force someone to admit they weren’t fine and you couldn’t force someone to get better. Crowley knew this but it was also painfully obvious that he wasn’t exactly aware of what the hell he was supposed to do. He was about to say something, but Aziraphale put a hand on his shoulder, silencing any though he had.

“Let’s leave her be, dear.” He said quietly. Crowley looked from Aziraphale back to Kaera, sighed and stood up, offering Kaera his hand.

“You sure you’re alright?” He asked asked as he pulled her to her feet. “It’s okay if you’re not.”

“Fine.” Kaera said. It was clear that nobody in the room believed her. She didn’t even believe herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, Kaera's doing that thing I do where I pretend like I'm fine when I'm really not. Hey all, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and Comments are very much appreciated.  
> So I finally got a tablet and have been drawing like a madwoman the past few days I love it so much.  
> How have you all been?  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta, go check out their work, they're awesome.  
> Thank you ever so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	44. A Quiet Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to PTSD, nightmares, and flashbacks, and mentions of illusions involving violence and death. Nothing explicit, but still, take care of your mental health.

The cottage was still that afternoon. Crowley was out in the garden and Azirphale was in the living room, a book open on his lap and a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of him. The only sounds came from the occasional rustle of a page or a contented sigh.

Kaera had done her best not to disturb him as she walked down the stairs but her foot hit that one sweet spot on that blasted weak step, sending a high pitched _CREAK_ all through the room.

“Dammit.” Kaera muttered. Aziraphale looked over his shoulder and locked eyes with her. She froze like a deer in headlights, the color draining from her face.

“Hello, dear.” He said casually. “Did you need something?” She shook her head, thought a bit, nodded, thought a bit more, then shrugged her shoulders in an “I’m not sure” motion before taking a few tentative steps into the den.

It had been three weeks since she had returned from Hell. Most of her physical injuries were gone, supernatural DNA was good for something after all. But she couldn’t deny that she was suffering. Just seeing a spider or being in the same room as someone who lit a match would cause her to sweat at best, faint at worst. For the most part, she could handle it, at least that’s what she’d been telling herself. Before going to Hell, she never swam much, was indifferent about fire in small amounts, wasn’t very fond of spiders, and didn’t care too much for zoos or for being in a cage, so she could avoid those now without too many hard feelings. But her anxiety around Crowley and more-so around Aziraphale had frustrated her more than anything. She vowed not to let it get the best of her but it was hard to keep that vow. 

Her anxiety around Crowley began and ended with the revelation of him selling out her parents. Every so often she would jump a bit when she saw him, a little anxious twinge in her chest would tell her that he was there to finish the job, but she was mostly able to keep it under control. For some reason, her mind recognized that the version of Crowley she’d seen in Hell was nothing but a delusion. He didn’t really disembowel her, he never actually ever lay dead at her feet. She knew it wasn’t real.

But with Aziraphale…she wasn’t sure why her mind wouldn’t make the connection. She kept telling herself and telling herself that he meant her no harm, that he actually cared for and helped her when she was sick. But it just wouldn’t click. She’d graduated from outright fear around him to mostly just feeling nervous, but that still frustrated her. 

Azirpahale had been doing his best to help her in any way he could but also keeping his distance so as to not smother her or make her more nervous than she already was. So he cared from afar. Every so often she’d find a tray of food sitting at her bedroom door or an extra blanket on her bed on particularly chilly days. One afternoon she left her room to get some water and returned to find a mug of cocoa and a stack of books on her bedside table. He would drop his gifts off wordlessly, just giving her a smile and a nod of the head. He was doing his best to make her feel comfortable while still respecting her boundaries, which she appreciated. But that wouldn’t stop her from feeling annoyed whenever that familiar ball of nerves settled in her chest. Well this time she was going to do something about it.

“What are you reading?” She asked

Aziraphale smiled warmly. “Just thought I’d reconnect with Jane Austen. It’s been quite a while since I read one of her books, which is a shame because they’re all just as delightful as I remember.” In his hands was a copy of _Northanger Abbey_. Kaera slowly walked further into the living room and hovered near the sofa, as if questioning whether she should sit down.

‘ _Just do it._ ’ She thought. ‘ _You’ve gotta get outside your comfort zone sometime._ ’ 

“D’you mind if I join you?” She asked quietly.

A puzzled look came over Aziraphale’s face but it was quickly replaced with a gentle and welcoming smile.

“Not at all.” Kaera sat down next to him, a slight tremor to her movements. “Are you alright, love?”

Kaera swallowed, not wanting to answer, worried that she might accidentally spill the truth. As carefully as she could, she picked up a copy of _Pride and Prejudice_.

“I had to read this in secondary school.” She mused, ignoring the question. “I remember it being the only assigned reading that I enjoyed.”

Aziraphale thought about calling her out on her not answering his question but decided against it. She was taking things at her own pace. Instead he simply chuckled. “Well, though I do love reading, I’m not sure how much I would love it if I were forced to do it.”

“That’s what I’ve always said.” Kaera answered back with a little laugh, feeling just a bit bolder. She tried to make it sound like it, but it came out nervous and rather pathetic. Aziraphale gave her a look, an unspoken question in his eyes.

“I’m okay.” She murmured, answering him back with a look of her own. She really didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to bother him, to worry him. Outwardly, she appeared to be doing just fine, he didn’t need to know anything more. Besides, she worried if he knew how weak she was, he’d think less of her. She wouldn’t blame him, but it would still hurt. “I…I’m trying.” She allowed that much to slip through.

Aziraphale looked like he wanted to say something, but simply held out his hand to her. She set her hand in his and he gave it a little squeeze, hoping to offer her some comfort.

“That’s all we ask of you.”

She gave him a weak smile as she opened her book, hoping that perhaps the story would serve a nice distraction, both from her nerves and her frustration at them. 

As she read, she was able to lose herself a bit. The late afternoon sun shone through the living room window, making it cozy and warm, despite winter being on the way. With every page Kaera read, she could feel just a bit of the nerves chipping away and she was able to maintain a small amount of peace within herself.

She glanced at Aziraphale, completely engrossed in his book. Despite her nerves around him, she _was_ glad he was her friend.

After about an hour and a half of silence, Aziraphale stood and picked up his teacup. “I’m going to get some more tea. Would you care for some?”

A brief look of fear passed over Kaera’s face as she glanced up from her book, then she took a breath in and steadied herself. “Yes please.”

Aziraphale walked out to the kitchen and put the kettle on. 

She was still hurting. That much was obvious, she never was good at hiding her feelings. He wasn’t even a demon and he could feel the fear rolling off her. He wasn’t aware of how deep it went but he _was_ aware that she was putting on a brave face, especially around him. He wanted to help her, to let her know that he didn’t think any less of her. But knowing Kaera, brining up her trauma would embarrass her or make her think he thought less of her. They needed to take things at her pace. 

It still didn’t stop him from worrying him of course. Though he didn’t know what they’d forced her to see or feel or do, he was sure it wasn’t anything pleasant. Every time he thought about it, ever time she let out a subconscious whimper, every time her breathing picked up and she fell to the floor, he knew there was nothing he could do to help. He knew she was still afraid of him and he would just make it worse. Crowley had assured him that he was alright providing immediate care and help to ground her when she was in a panic or a flashback, but it still didn’t stop the horrible tightness in his throat every time it happened.

The whistle of the kettle distracted him from his thoughts. He sighed as he took the kettle off the stove and pulled a second mug from the cabinet as well as two teabags from the little china box on the counter, chamomile for Kaera and earl gray for himself.

He took the two mugs back out to the living room and handed one to Kaera.

“Thank you,” she murmured, turning her attention back to her book. Aziraphale noticed the circles under her eyes and how she was blinking rapidly, something he noticed she would do when trying not to fall asleep. Crowley had been right, she really hadn't been sleeping well. He was about to say something but she simply took a sip of tea and went back to her book.

Once again silence filled the room. Aziraphale couldn’t focus on his book, his thoughts were still running in circles and his conscience was still telling him that he wasn’t doing enough to help while also screaming at him that he was doing too much. More than anything, he thought she was keeping everything bottled up inside her, and he knew that wasn’t healthy. Maybe getting her to talk would help. But he also knew that she was an adult who wanted to be treated as such. She wanted to take her recovery in her own time in her own way. 

Although he knew better than anyone that sometimes a person could have something very heavy on their mind and would keep it all inside until they knew the other person was willing to listen. Lord knew it took him long enough to open up to Crowley about how Heaven had treated him, and that was only after the demon prompted him. 

Kaera was different than him though. She was quite strong willed, perhaps she…well, no he couldn’t just assume things.

After ten minutes of mulling it over and not reading even a single sentence, he decided there would be no harm in asking, in letting her know he was there to listen if she wanted to talk.

Something slumped against his shoulder and when he looked up from his book, he saw that Kaera had nodded off and was dozing soundly against him. The angel smiled to himself and snapped his fingers, silently summoning the knit blanket from her bed, which draped itself around her, the corners tucking in so she was warm and cozy. She sighed sleepily and nestled into his shoulder. 

Yes it was a question he would have to ask, but not now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaera's been through a lot, she deserves some soft and some snuggles.  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter, you guys deserved some soft as well. Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated.  
> Many many many thanks to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta, go check out their stuff it's fantastic.  
> Thank you for reading and have a lovely day!


	45. Opening Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Violence and mild body horror and feelings of self hatred and worthlessness. Please take care of yourselves.

It was dark and it was dirty and stiflingly hot. Kaera felt like she suffocating, her lungs filled with toxic air. She was weak and tired, running down a long, dark hallway. She didn’t know where it let out but she knew she had to keep going forward. 

A cry of pain sounded from behind her and foolishly, she turned around.

Her mind couldn’t fathom what she saw. Unimaginable horrors stood before her, writhing, pulsing, and screaming. Every cry of pain, every scream of fear, every noise made by any person in pain mixed together in a horrible mangled mess of misery. Kaera’s entire body was frozen with absolute fear. Her muscles seized and convulsed, her skin crawling like her veins were filled with hundreds of wriggling worms. The mass of fear and pain was enough to cause anyone to lose their sanity after just one glance but she stared, her body unable to look away and with each second that ticked by, a bit of her mind and mentality slipped away with it.

There were screams all around, but it didn’t take long for her to realize that they were all coming from her throat and she continued to scream as she was pulled forward, down into the hot, sickening depths.

* * * * *

She wasn’t sure if she screamed or if it was just a gasp that escaped her as she sat up, her body pressed against the window as she nearly fell off her window seat. It was still light outside, her sketchbook open on her lap, she must have nodded off while working on a drawing

That wasn’t even the worst nightmare she’d had yet, but she was still shaking with a few beads of sweat dripping down her forehead.

After a quick mental tally, she counted 17 waking nightmares in a row, 6 panic attacks, and a month and a half of keeping it to herself. Crowley and Aziraphale had been kind enough to take care of her while she was recovering from her bodily injuries, they didn’t need the burden of her mental issues as well. Besides, she had to be strong enough to handle it on her own. At least that’s what she’d told herself at first. But she could tell it wasn’t working. It hadn’t worked the first day and it certainly wasn’t working the forty-fifth day. It was like hanging onto a tightrope with just her teeth; exhausting and horrible painful. She’d denied it at first, but now the truth was staring her down. She needed to say something, if she didn’t she’d go mad.

She closed her sketchbook and hopped down from the window seat, but something stopped her as she reached the door to the hallway. It might not have been easy to keep everything inside locked in a little box, but she’d rather suffer the tortures of her own mind than to know that Crowley and Aziraphale thought less of her, that they thought she was too weak to handle things. She wanted to tell them, but she knew what would come after. That stupid look of pity. The soft voice that is usually saved for an infant. Them treating her like she was made of glass, fragile and likely to break at any moment. Thinking that she was weak. 

Her hand gripped the doorknob. It would be so much easier to just pretend that things were fine

Suddenly there was blood on her hands, Aziraphale’s body lay at her feet, cradling Crowley’s equally dead form. 

Kaera gripped her hair, shaking her head back and forth.

Not real. Not real. Not real!

She couldn’t do this anymore.

She opened the door and raced down the hallway and down the stairs, her pulse beginning to pick up.

A little voice in her mind, not Hastur, she made sure it wasn’t Hastur, was yelling that she was making the wrong decision. That they were going to see just how pathetic she was. Even if she found away to tape that voice’s mouth shut, opening up was still something she knew she was good at. If she were honest, it was downright terrifying. But it was certainly better than carrying on as if nothing was wrong. Besides, she was fairly certain they already knew how bothered she was by all this, just because she hid things didn’t mean she was particularly good at hiding them.

She walked down the stairs and into the living room, where Aziraphale had a notebook open on his lap and an old scroll carefully laid out on the coffee table and Crowley was spraying one of his plants while glaring angrily at it.

“I need to talk to you.” She said quickly. The two of them looked back at her.

“What's wrong? You’re shaking.” Crowley observed.

“Please sit down.” Aziraphale insisted. Kaera walked over, her entire body trembling as she sat on the sofa next to the angel. “Now what do you need to speak with us about?” He asked.

“I…well, it’s like this you see…I, erm well…things are…um…” She stammered, searching for the right words but nothing came, she was floundering, all she could do was stammer. Aziraphale put a hand on her shoulder, a wordless reminder that they were here to listen, that she was alright. She took a breath. “The memories of Hell are becoming too much for me to bear.” She blurted. “I feel like I can hardly do anything without either fainting or suffering a panic attack or flashback.” She began to shiver even harder. “The nightmares are also becoming debilitating. I don’t know what I can do. I don’t want to keep carrying all this around with me but I also don’t want to burden you with all my problems. I mean, I’m an adult I should be able to handle this on my own, but I’m not. And it’s humiliating, but I can’t handle this, I know I can’t, I know it’s pathetic but I just can’t!” Aziraphale put his arm around her, using a quick miracle to spread warmth and calm through her. She took a breath in and let it out slowly.

“Dear, there’s no shame in reaching out for help.” He said gently as she put her head in her hands.

“It’s humiliating!” She groaned. “Just a testament to my stupidity! If I had been a little smarter maybe none of this would have happened!” She gripped her hair, her breath beginning to speed up. “It was so bloody obvious! Some random homeless person in the woods, offering me a safe place to stay, of course it would turn out to be the Prince of Hell in disguise! If I wasn’t so thick I would have been able to get out of there without being kidnapped! For Christ’s sake, it was so-”

“Kaera!” Aziraphale said firmly. She looked up at him and found an intensity in his eyes, a mix of emotion. Fear, concern, anguish, all rolled into one. He put his hand on her shoulder again. “Don’t you dare say such things about yourself. Not a word of it is true. None of this is your fault. You can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t want.”

“Maybe if I was a little smarter, I would have found a way to escape that didn’t leave me feeling so weak and broken. Maybe if I were a little stronger I could have endured it better but I…” Her voice weakened out and she began to hyperventilate. This was exactly what she was afraid would happen. They were probably thinking about what a pathetic waste of time she was. What a useless mess, what a-

“Kaera, look at me.” Aziraphale said softly. Kaera looked up at him, still shaking but trying her damndest to hide it. “Take a breath.” He instructed. She inhaled for five seconds. “Hold it.” She held it. “Let it out.” She exhaled as Aziraphale took her hand. “Now listen. None of what happened is your fault. You are smart and you are strong. From what Crowley told me, you aren’t the first one to try and and escape Hell, but you _are_ the only one to actually do it. Just the attempt alone was an incredibly brave thing to do and you made it through. You’re still here. And what you’re feeling doesn’t make you weak. It makes you perfectly normal. Beings with emotion, both mortal and otherwise, react differently to trauma. This is just your way of reacting. But you can’t continue to bear it on your own.” Kaera looked at the floor, hot shame creeping up her back. She had tried to hide it, but she must have been worse at it than she thought, if it was so obvious. A bit of sadness worked her way into her mind as well. Aziraphale shouldn’t have been wasting his time worrying about her, he had his own problems to deal with. There she went being a selfish parasite again.

The angel gently squeezed her hand and she looked back at him. A comforting smile was on his face. “That’s why you have us.”

Crowley shifted his footing. “Let me put it this way, metaphorically.” This would certainly be interesting. “Did you ever play and sports in secondary school?” Kaera looked up at him, utterly puzzled.

“What? No. Didn’t have the time.”

“One sport I got a little into was rowing. Before I got bored of it of course.”

“Your point?”

“One major part of rowing is getting the boat in the water. It takes a whole team to carry the boat and it takes a lot of coordination. If someone doesn’t carry their weight, the whole team drops the boat. D’you think one person could carry that entire boat by themselves?”

“No. But-”

“D’you think any of the people on that team are weak because they can’t carry the weight of a boat by themselves?”

“Well, no-”

“So how is it any different for you? You were in Hell, the most terrible and miserable places in existence, went through the worst trauma that nobody on earth could fathom and you still came out on the other side. And you did that all on your own. You were strong enough to take that on, now let us help you carry the boat the rest of the way.”

It wasn’t like Crowley to be so empathetic or so comforting. Usually he tried to keep his feelings under wraps and he was far better at it than Kaera was (well most of the time at least). Then again, he also knew how bad it was in Hell, maybe he felt a little sorry for her. There was the pity. Clearly, she wasn’t strong enough to take it, no matter what they said. They were merely making things up to make her feel better and Crowley thought he needed to be uncharacteristically kind to her. Still she was grateful for whatever comfort she could get.

“As I said, this is why you have us. You can talk to us about anything.”

“Subtle, real subtle.” Kaera joked weakly. “But that’s just it. Words fail to even remotely describe what’s going on in my mind. Even if I was good at this ‘talking about how I feel’ business, I wouldn’t be able to find a way to get you to understand. Every time I try to think about it,” she began to shiver again, pulling her arms over her chest. “The memories are to painful to keep inside but they’re also too painful to talk about.”

Crowley straightened up. “If you want the memories gone, just say the word.” Kaera and Aziraphale both looked at Crowley, utterly puzzled. Crowley looked at the floor, a bitter scowl across his face. “One of the real cruelties of Hell. Some of the more awful souls are given horrible punishments and we get the ability to erase the memories of the torture, so the horror is just as fresh the three hundred and forty-second time as it is the first.”

Kaera felt like she would vomit. “That’s horrible!” She gasped.

Crowley shrugged, his expression becoming even more bitter, if it were possible, before shifting back to his usual look. “So if you want me to take those memories away, I can do it for you.”

“No.” She said quickly, shocking even herself. The memories of Hell were making just living ordinary life nearly impossible. Every time she walked into work, she worried that she’d have a flashback and would have to explain to her coworkers, not that they’d believe her. But somewhere inside her, she didn’t want them gone. “Like it or not, that experience is a part of who I am now. I can’t just pretend that part of my life didn’t happen.” She sighed. “I don’t want them gone, not fully at least. I just want the pain to stop, to be able to move on. But I can’t seem to find the strength to talk about it. I know that’s at least the first step, but every time I try, I just…” She sighed again.

“Then don’t say anything.” Aziraphale suggested. “Show me.” A sharp pang of fear broke through her.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She asked, though it came out more like a squeak. “What if you get hurt? W-what if I…”

“You don’t have to worry. I’ll be fine.”

“I…I don’t want you to have to suffer like I do. That’s not fair to you.”

“I won’t be hurt.” Aziraphale assured. “I may look soft but I’m made of pretty strong stuff.” He took her hand again. “I want to help. I want to understand what you went through and help ease the pain.” Kaera took a very shaky breath. There were some things in her memory that she knew would serve no purpose aside from upsetting Aziraphale and she didn’t’t want to hurt him more than she already had. Not to mention there were some utterly humiliating memories that she wanted to keep strictly to herself. Just thinking about them made her feel dirty and used, she didn’t want Aziraphale looking at her like that. But there seemed to be no better option for her. Maybe she could just pick and choose which memories to show him. After all, Crowley had been able to filter his memories, maybe she could as well. She’d only show him what she needed to to get him to understand her pain, she could manage that.

“Okay. What do I need to do?”

“This might be a bit painful,” Crowley instructed, “but first you’ll need to bring up the memories in your mind, do your best to picture them.”

“But don’t hurt yourself,” Aziraphale added.

Well that much she could do. Those memories were practically all the could think about nowadays, everything else in her life was just a distraction.

“Now what?”

“You’ve got the memories?”

She nodded.

“Just touch two fingers to his forehead and concentrate.”

Kaera took another breath raised a quivering hand, touching two fingers to the center of Aziraphale’s forehead. 

Instantly, a surge of memories flashed in Kaera’s mind, running over her and drowning her like a tidal wave. At first she thought she had control, choosing the memories that came through her mind, but it all passed by at a sickeningly fast pace. The surge began to pick up running rapidly and dragging her along. There was a pulling sensation, a tether that tied her to Aziraphale, one end connected to him, the other to the pool of memories that was threatening to pull her under at any second.

Concentrate. Concentrate! You are in control.

You are in control. You…are…

No. No I’m not. No I’m not!

Her breathing picked up and she began to panic as memory after memory came into view and pulling her into the mess like a rag doll. 

She wasn’t in control! She’d lost it! She’d lost control and there was nothing she could do!

They pressed down on her and filled her mind as they left her, taunting her as they flooded down the tether and into Aziraphale’s mind.

No no no!

She didn’t want to show him! She wanted it to stop! ‘’

With a cry and surge of effort, the connection between the two minds was broken, the power tossing her backwards. 

At first the only sound was Aziraphale’s heavy breathing. For a minute, she held onto the hope that perhaps she’d had a little control and was able to filter it, but when she sat up, she saw the tears in his eyes and the knowing look on his face. He’d seen everything.

Kaera got to her feet and raced out the door into the garden, unable to look them in the eyes. She sat herself under one of the apple trees, now completely bare, the leaves having fallen a few weeks ago. Her breaths came in short puffs but she refused to cry, though she knew she was hanging on to the last shred of her dignity by her fingernails. She was utterly humiliated, the ache sinking in her chest.

What would they think of her now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I'm projecting again. If I'm being honest, I did used to feel this way about myself and my anxiety and mental problems all the time. For all of you reading who struggle with something similar, you are not a burden, you are not weak, and you are not alone. Speaking as someone who suffers from mental illness and used to be on the rowing crew in high school you need help to get that boat from the boathouse into the water. There's no shame in reaching out for help.  
> So yeah. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are much appreciated. Kaera's starting to recover, but it's slow going. Luckily, the boys are there to help her.  
> Thanks to TakeItEezy for being my awesome best friend and fantastic beta. Go check out their work, they're a rockstar. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	46. Principality's Rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW, PTSD and depressive episode

Crowley and Aziraphale watched as Kaera bolted out the door, a look of terror on her face.

“Kaera wait!” Aziraphale stood up and began to follow her when a firm hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Give her some space, Angel.” Crowley said. Aziraphale took note of the look on Crowley’s face. It was a knowing look, of someone who had seen too much suffering, and was exhausted because of it. “That was probably really embarrassing for her.”

“But she has nothing to be embarrassed about. None of it was her-“

“It’s not that simple.” Crowley said gravely. “She just had to relive memories of the worst thing that happened to her and she had an audience this time. Every terrible thing that happened to her laid was out on the table while you watched. And I could tell from watching out here that she was trying to hold back and lost control. She showed you everything and I mean _everything_ even the things she wanted to keep to herself.”

“Keeping things locked up inside isn’t very sound or helpful.”

“That may be but that won’t stop her from keeping things to herself. She may have told us in her own time, she may not have. Some things are just too painful to share.” The demon knit his brow as he said it and a twinge of pain pricked at Aziraphale’s heart.

“Darling, are there things _you_ keep from me?” He asked. Crowley scrunched his eyes shut and nodded. Aziraphale wasn’t angry, he knew that people had secrets and heck, he even had things that he didn’t want to share. But hearing the pain and the shame in Crowley’s voice hurt him terribly. And it made him even more angry at Hell, both for what they did to his lover and for what they did to Kaera. “So yeah. It may not be helpful to keep things inside, but she still wanted to keep something from you and she accidentally let it out. Even if she wanted to talk it out with us, that probably reopened an old wound and was really painful for her.” He looked back at Aziraphale’s face and reached a hand up to cup his cheek. “It looks like it wasn’t too pleasant for you either.” He brushed a thumb under the angel’s eye, wiping away one of the tears that was falling. “What happened? What did you see?”

The memories were still fresh in Aziraphale’s mind and he was both saddened and absolutely furious. He recalled the rage that arose in him when he first found Kaera after she escaped, curled up, shivering, and afraid under the hydrangeas. He was horrified by her injuries and when he thought about what had hurt her so badly, he was angrier than he’d been in a while.

That was practically nothing compared to the absolute fury that was rising in him now. Every fiber and muscle, every atom and nerve that made up his corporation was vibrating with a hot, horrid rage. On the outside, he looked perfectly calm, with the exception of the out of character scowlacross his face. But the air around him was hot and angry. And if one looked closely, they could see a tiny glow just behind the angel’s eyes as he struggled to find the right words.

“Those…those…monsters.” A deep growl emerged from the back of his throat. “The things they did to her. The things they made her do.” His hands balled into fists and his arms shook. “They forced her to torture innocent people-“

“If they were in Hell, they were hardly innocent.” Crowley cut in.

Aziraphale shot him a look. “That didn’t matter to her. What she had to do was just as much torture for her as it was for them. And the things she had to undergo if she stepped out of line herself were just as bad. One of the worst ones was the punishment for when she spoke out against Beelzebub.”

Crowley’s face went pale and the slits in his golden serpentine eyes narrowed until they were barely visible. “W-what did she say?”

“I don’t think I want to repeat it.” Aziraphale said.

Crowley gulped. “And…what did Beelzebub do?”

“They…they forced a fire poker down her throat.” Aziraphale said, feeling like he was going to be ill. Crowley didn’t outwardly react but inside, he wanted to march right down to Hell and rip Beelzebub’s head off. “In front of a crowd to boot.” Aziraphale said coldly. “And that’s not even the half of it. They spat on her, kicked her, slapped her, some of them even…” he could bring himself to say it, he was absolutely disgusted, horrified, appalled, every word in the book that someone would dare to put their hands on her without her consent, make her feel ashamed and used and disgusting.

The air around him began to become more charged with anger. Crowley’s eyes widened as Aziraphale’s sentence trailed and the realization struck him.

The anger in the demon reached the boiling point, the fuse had been lit and burned completely and the rocket had exploded. It had reached a level so far that most humans likely didn’t believe it was possible that he almost couldn’t feel the anger anymore.

“The worst part was when she crawled out.” He said. His voice was cold, monotoned, and quiet. He almost didn’t recognize the sound that was coming from his throat. It was frightening, but the rage he was feeling far surpassed anything else inside him. “Every fear she ever had, they used it as a weapon against her. As something to break her. They humiliated her beat her, burned her, stripped her and put her on display like an animal or trinket to be gawked at, made her feel endless amounts of pain and fear. They even used us.” He took a breath, doing his best to steady himself, though it was rather futile. “They made her watch while I showed her off to a group of tourists, we drank wine while we watched her drown, and do you remember that horrible wound on her stomach?” Crowley nodded. “We gave it to her. I stabbed her while smiling in her face, and then you disemboweled her while patting her shoulder and telling her that was for the best and that you’d been looking forward to killing her for a long time.”

The air around the principality became almost electric and his eyes were now glowing a sharp white, though his voice was still morbidly calm.

“I swear,” Aziraphale said, “if I ever get my hands on those vile beings that did that to her, I’ll show them what real Heavenly fury looks like.”

“Angel, as much as I want to join you on that trek into Hell and as entertaining as it would be to watch you rip my old coworkers a collective new one, don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“Believe me, I’ll regret nothing.” Aziraphale snarled.

“Aziraphale,” Crowley quavered, “Kaera wants to put this whole thing behind her. Do you think marching right back down into Hell and bringing it all up again is really what she needs?”

“How are you so calm?” Aziraphale said through grit teeth.

“I’m not.” Crowley huffed, sinking so he was sitting on the couch again. “I’ve completely blown a fuse. I’m so mad that I’ve boiled over and now all I can do is seethe. Hearing what they did to her infuriates me beyond belief. I promised her parents that I’d protect her and I failed them. I failed _her_. I couldn’t even keep Hastur away. I let her get possessed and then I let her get kidnapped.”

Aziraphale’s anger subsided and was replaced with an aching sadness as he sat down next to the demon, taking his hand. “How could anyone have done that to her, darling? It was horrible?”

“That’s the thing about Hell. It’s full of sick fucks.”

Aziraphale was too emotionally charged to call him out on his language.

“But this isn’t about us, Angel. It’s about _her_. Yeah we’re both mad as fuck but-“

He was by a sniffle and a whimper sounded from the garden. Aziraphale’s anger subsided and was replaced with worry as he looked at Crowley.

“I think now would be a good time to try and talk to her. You’re right, this isn’t about us. She shouldn't have to be alone after reliving memories of trauma.” Crowley didn’t argue.

The two went out to the garden and found Kaera under one of the apple trees, curled in on herself and looking like she wanted to disappear. She was biting her lip and looked like she was trying to keep herself from crying, but it was a losing battle.

Aziraphale knelt down next to her and set a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t look at me.” She whispered.

“Kaera, it’s alright.” Aziraphale said softly. “But we’ll leave if you want to be alone.”

“I don’t know what I want.” Kaera murmured. Aziraphale recognized this, he’d done it many times himself. She was shutting the rest of the world out and keeping herself, her true feelings under lock and key. If she let anything slip, she would break. Not just break. She would completely shatter. But the difference was he was always alone when he had to deal with those breakdowns. She wasn’t alone. He would make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. “The only thing I can think is what a waste of effort I am and how weak and pathetic and useless I can be.” That was normal as well. Both the self deprecating thoughts and the nonchalance she said them with. She was too worn out to censor herself. But no matter how normal it was, it still hurt to hear it.

“No.” Aziraphale soothed as Crowley knelt on the ground next to him. “No absolutely not. You’re none of those things.”

“But I showed you too much.” She whimpered. Something in her was about to break and it was getting harder for her to hold it back. “I tried to control it, I tried to keep from hurting you, I really did. I didn’t want to upset you or…I’m sorry…”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for my dear.” Aziraphale assured. “You did nothing wrong. You shouldn’t have to worry about upsetting me. It’s clear those memories were making things difficult for you. I’m certainly not happy about what happened to you, but at least I understand a little better.” Kaera curled in further on herself gripping the sleeves of her shirt. "May I hug you?” Aziraphale asked. Kaera knew she should probably say no, that she didn't need his pity, but a hug sounded wonderful so she found herself nodding rapidly and Aziraphale pulled the girl into an embrace, gently rubbing his hand up and down her back. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, my dear.”

With a shaky breath, the tears began pouring down Kaera’s face and she pressed her face into her hands.

“No. No I can’t. I won’t…”

“It’s alright. I’m right here. We’re here. Just let it go.”

Kaera whimpered as she shook her head, struggling to keep a hold on herself. Aziraphale's other hand, the one that wasn't on her back, took a hold of hers. It was warm and gentle, a comfort. It almost made the pressure and screaming thoughts in her mind dissipate. Almost.

She looked up at Aziraphale, his eyes were full of concern and understanding. "You're safe. You can let go." Kaera took a breath, laid her head over Aziraphale's chest, and burst.

The last shred of control in her splintered away. She completely shattered. Every bit of pent up emotion, every ounce of fear, confusion, and anger, all of it hit her like a train. The walls she had worked so hard to build all came crashing down and she couldn’t take it anymore, she just couldn’t. She was too weary to hold it off so she shivered and sobbed like a child.

“I was so scared.” She cried. “It was so dark and I… I didn’t want to but they forced me...I tried to be strong but it all got too much, whenever I had to… torture anyone, or when they would touch me…I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t let them see…I couldn’t…I didn’t…” her voice became lost in waves of hollow sobs, her body wracked with shivers.

All the while, Aziraphale held her tight and let her rest her head over his heart, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “Sshh. Sh sh. It’s alright love. I’ve got you. Let it out, let it all out.” Another hand settled on her shoulder and when she looked to her right, Crowley was there, a sad but still gentle and supportive expression on his face.

“’S alright. Just let it out, we’re here.”

She continued to sob, but, it was strange, for the first time since returning from Hell, she felt safe. She was surrounded by love and warmth and though she was still utterly terrified and weary from the memories still haunting her, a small bit of the tension in her chest began to ease.

They sat there for nearly ten minutes, the only sound coming from Kaera’s broken sobs. It was slow, but eventually, her sobs died down and the tears stopped coming. She didn’t have the energy to cry anymore. She didn’t move, she just stayed nestled against Aziraphale.

“Let’s go inside, my dear. It’s rather cold out here.” Kaera nodded, completely worn out. “I’ll make some cocoa, that should warm us right up.”

“M’kay.” Kaera said weakly.

It would have been nice to believe that a simple cup of cocoa would fix everything. It would have been nice to believe that an afternoon of sharing and ten minutes of sobbing would do anything. She knew that while it did help, that she had Crowley and Aziraphale to support her and, it wasn't that simple. It wouldn't be enough to ease all the suffering in her mind.

But it was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note; Aziraphale discloses to Crowley what he saw from Kaera's memories because he knew she wanted to tell both of them anyway, even if she was afraid to. If someone tells you sensitive information regarding something they went through or something that they are currently going through, don't violate their trust and tell, someone unless you're concerned for their safety.  
> Hello all! Thank you for reading! So here's a bit of a query for you. I still have a lot planned for Kaera (and Gabriel will be making an appearance in the future) but this story is already quite long. I'm wondering if I should stop this one here and publish the rest of the chapters I have written down as a sequel, because some people might not want to read a pic with 100 chapters. Idk, let me know what you think.  
> Thank you to Instagram user Starryknightart for the drawing and thank you to TakeItEezy for helping me out and being awesome. Go check out their work. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	47. Hurt and Comfort: Art update (part 1?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, still wondering if I should split this fic into two parts or not, so I'm gonna give you guys some art that some amazing artists on instagram and myself have done while I continue to mull it over. Enjoy!  
> TW: Some of these pieces depict moments of violence, possession, hearing voices, and physical assault, as well as showing blood (though it's angel blood that looks lighter than regular blood)

credit to @theeyjayy

credit to @starryknightart

credit to @theeyjayy

(I can't draw babies)

credit to @starryknightart

credit to @starryknightart

Credit to @athellosart


	48. The Abandoned Child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD and flashbacks, descriptions of violence and bodily mutilation, mentions of past abuse, description of murder

Even with Aziraphale’s help and empathy and even with Crowley’s support and willingness to listen, recovery was still a very long road, one Kaera knew she’d never truly see the end of. It took at least a month and a half for her to sleep an entire night without worrying about waking from a horrible nightmare. Sometimes she wouldn’t be able to hold back the screams or the sleep paralysis that would come with it and either Crowley or Aziraphale would need to shake her awake or hug her while she cried. She felt utterly humiliated by it all, but they both assured her there was nothing wrong with her.

She was able to return to work, but started on reduced hours. Everyone in the office was under the impression that she’d been kidnapped by some kind of crime ring and they all were very gentle when approaching her. The gesture, in Kaera’s opinion, was halfway between heartfelt and annoying. She really appreciated that they wanted to be accommodating to her still recovering mental state, but some days she wanted to scream to the world that she wasn’t made of glass. Then of course, as soon as she got home, she would see Aziraphale reaching for one of the books on the shelves and she’d remember how one night she’d lost complete control and ripped the pages from that book or she’d be out walking a dog while on shift and she would smell cigarette smoke and ash and be reminded of the scent of Hastur, who constantly had a cigarette between his teeth.

She’d gotten good enough at proper coping and grounding techniques so she wouldn’t pass out but she would still sweat horribly or feel light headed or dizzy. For the most part, she was able to hold it together, but then she would get back to the cottage, and she would break. The first week after returning to work had been the absolute worst. She’d nearly collapsed from the mental exhaustion and stress she was under the second she stepped through the door.

Crowley and Aziraphale had also suggested she try to talk about what was on her mind more often, which was new and extremely terrifying for her. She was so used to keeping everything locked up inside because she knew that nobody wanted to listen to her problems. It was the reality she saw all the time as a child. yet they both insisted that they wanted to listen and to help. They were by no means licensed therapists, but they were the best she had, seeing as a normal therapist would likely believe she was barking mad. But almost all of her talks with them would end in a spell of crying.

They were both wonderfully patient with her, even when she felt like she was just taking up all their time. Once she and Aziraphale had been cooking some lunch together and the flash of the knife Aziraphale was using to cut up some carrots brought her back to a horrible moment where she was forced to cut off a soul’s skin in strips and she’d broken down. Aziraphale had comforted her and calmed her, but soon after, she began rattling off a string of apologies for being such a burden and for taking up his and Crowley’s time. Aziraphale was insistent that she wasn’t, that he and Crowley were more than happy to help her with everything she was going through and in whatever way she needed. Sometimes Aziraphale had to resort to using his angelic power to calm her. At first she mostly felt humiliated, but after about two months, it became routine. Panic, comfort, rinse, repeat. Somehow, with enough insistence that she wasn’t at fault, and with a lack of a Duke of Hell whispering in her ear, a tiny part of her was beginning to believe it.

Crowley was also remarkably helpful as well. Since Lucille had insisted that she hold off on working a full week until she felt up for it, she would usually take Fridays off. There would be times when she was able to keep a hold on herself for the full day, but they were few and far between. On one Friday, a late December chill had danced through the house, prompting the cold blooded demon to light the fireplace to try and warm himself. As soon as Kaera heard the crackle of the flames and smelled the smoke, her body had seized, her mind hurled back to scent of her own burning flesh, the pain of her feet being burned to the bone, and the sensation of the air being crushed from her lungs. Crowley had immediately extinguished the fire, rushing to grab a blanket and drape it around Kaera’s shoulders, taking her hand and reminding her that she wasn’t in Hell anymore. That she was in England, with someone who cared about her. She was safe. The panic lessened each and each time she was triggered, but even as the severity diminished, the stress of it all was still debilitating and exhausting.

Something Aziraphale had suggested was taking regular walks around the village. Fresh air and exercise were rumored to be good for mental health after all. The idea of going out alone terrified her, so afternoon strolls became part of the routine for all three of them. Crowley would pick up Aziraphale and Kaera from work (provided Kaera didn’t have the day off and Aziraphale even opened the shop that day), they would all go home and have some tea, and then they’d go out walking. Even when the weather grew colder, with gray clouds covering the sky and fresh drifts of snow blanketed the ground they'd still walk. Kaera had tried to insist that she could go by herself so the two didn’t get cold, but they had both declined, saying that her health was more important than their comfort.

It was on one of these outings that she spotted a rather sullen looking young man as he breezed past them in the park. She hadn’t seen him before but there was still an air of familiarity to him, which was only amplified by the peculiar feeling coming from her pendant. It wasn’t anything she’d felt before, but it was strong.

“Aziraphale?” She asked breaking the silence, her breath coming from her lips in a visible cloud. “Who was that we just passed?”

Aziraphale looked over his shoulder, watching the lanky human continue down the path, the snow brushed dully off his tattered army green jacket.

“Oh that’s young Mr. Cunningham, Very nice young man, albeit a bit quiet and stoic at times. Very intelligent too, he sometimes helps us fix the electricity when we can’t spare any miracles.”

Despite the fact that her coat had been miracled to keep her pleasantly warm no matter the weather, Kaera’s entire body went cold. “Cunningham?” She asked, her feet halting. “His first name wouldn’t happen to be Nathan, would it?”

Aziraphale put a hand to his chin and said, “Yes, I do believe it is. Why?”

Kaera sat down on a nearby bench, feeling a little dizzy. She had been so wrapped up in her recovery that she’d forgotten about her promise to George. How could she have been so selfish? He was the whole reason she’d been able to escape and she hadn’t repaid him.

Aziraphale and Crowley sat down on the bench as well, on either side of Kaera.

“Everything alright?” Crowley asked.

She looked over at the demon. “Did I tell you about George?” She knew Aziraphale knew about him, he’d seen her memories after all, but she hadn’t remembered telling Crowley. The demon shook his head. “He was a soul in Hell that caused a diversion so I could escape.” A pain came to her heart. “I…I think he was really badly punished for it. I heard him scream and…” her voice trailed and her body stiffened, the sound of George’s pained scream as the elevator doors closed sounded in her ears, just as loud and jarring as it had been the first time.

A gentle hand set itself on her shoulder, shaking her from her memory. She sighed, but it was shaky and nervous. A bit of angelic peace passed into her and she let out another breath, more sure of herself this time.

“Thanks.” She murmured, looking at Aziraphale, gathering herself. “Well, before he caused the diversion, he asked a favor of me. He asked me to find his son and apologize to him. To try and make things right.” She explained, the pain in her heart becoming heavier.

“Let me guess.” Crowley said. “George’s last name is Cunningham?” Kaera nodded. “And his son’s name is Nathan?” Kaera nodded again. “You sure he’s the right person? There are probably loads of people in the world with that name.”

“I’m sure.” Kaera said. “I’m not sure how I know, but I know. I just have this feeling in my chest.” She looked between her two friends. “I need to make things right.”

* * * * *

45 minutes later, Kaera was standing on the doorstep of a rather unkempt cottage, her finger hovering over the doorbell. She was lucky Crowley knew where Nathan lived. He and Aziraphale had dropped her off in the Bentley and parked a block away, far enough that Nathan wouldn’t see them but close enough to come to Kaera’s aid in case things went south. They’d both assured her that Nathan wasn’t a violent man and was quite level-headed (at least towards strangers) but from what Kaera assumed, he and George had a very strained relationship. Talking about his father was likely a sore spot for Nathan but Kaera made a promise and she’d be damned (again) if she didn’t do her best to honor it. Tentatively, she rang the doorbell.

“Coming!” A voice called from inside. A few locks clicked and the door swung open, revealing a tired young man, likely between the ages of 25 and 30. Now that Kaera could see his front, she noticed how disheveled he was. His dark brown hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in a few days and his brown eyes had a deep maturity and sadness that could only have come from someone who had experienced too much of life too quickly. He was still wearing his tattered green jacket over a gray wrinkled t-shirt and jeans. His expression was puzzled but he still tried to look welcoming. “Can I help you?” Funny, he spoke with an American accent. George had sounded somewhat Welsh.

“Mr. Nathan Cunningham?” She asked.

“Yes that’s me. Who are you?”

“My name is Kaera.”

“Oh yeah, you’re the girl living with Crowley and Aziraphale.” Nathan said, his features softening a little at the mention of the two.

“You know me?” Kaera asked.

“They came asking about you about two and a half months ago. They were really worried. Glad to see you’re back safely though.” He gave her a tired grin. “What can I do for you?”

Crap. She hadn’t thought this far ahead. She couldn’t just blurt out “I’m a supernatural being who was sent to Hell and met your dead father and he wanted me to tell you he’s sorry for what he did to you even though I have no clue what that is.” He’d likely call the police. Best to ease into it. “Was your father George Cunningham Jr. By any chance?”

Instantly Nathan’s expression became cold and his eyes full of hatred. “Yes.” He said flatly. “Why? Was there something in the will that he left out? I already told his lawyer that I don’t want any of his shit.”

“N-no.” Kaera stammered, struggling for the right words. “I’m…I knew…may I come in please. This isn’t really a conversation that can be had on a doorstep.”

“Sure I guess.” His tone was still icy as he stepped aside and let her into his very disorganized home. She awkwardly stepped into the living room, not sure whether she should take a seat or not. After all, it was kinda rude to sit when someone hadn’t offering, wasn’t it? Or was she still thinking with a mindset from the ‘70s? “Make yourself comfortable.” Nathan said, interrupting her thoughts. She sat down in an armchair and he sat down on the sofa across from her. “So how did you know my dad? Were you his girlfriend or something?”

“What? No!” She was almost a little disgusted at the thought. Though she was grateful for George’s help and regarded him as a friend, she was in no way attracted to him. Besides, he was at least in his late fifties, 30 years her senior (though technically she was in her early 40s). What kind of girl did Nathan think she was?

“So how _did_ you know him?”

“I met him recently.” Best to try and stick as close to the truth as possible. “You can say I’m a friend of his.”

“How much money does he owe you?” Nathan said, rolling his eyes.

“None. I’m just a friend. No strings attached.”

“Well sorry to burst your bubble, but my dad didn’t really do ‘friends’. He didn’t get the whole ‘other people exist’ kind of thing. He cared about one thing and one thing only, himself. And there’s no way you could have met him recently, he died three years ago.”

Though Kaera’s skills in sensing emotion were pretty poorly developed it didn’t take an experienced partial demon to feel the hatred radiating from Nathan. It wasn’t a new hatred either. It had been there for a very long time. An old scar sitting in just sensitive enough of a place to cause constant pain. And she could have been mistaken but there was a bit of a bitter triumph to his voice when he mentioned that his father was dead.

“Nathan, your father saved my life.” Kaera said.

Nathan looked shocked and then laughed coldly. “Right, sure. Next you’ll be telling me that the queen of England is secretly my grandmother?”

“I’m serious.” Kaera said.

“So am I. How the hell did my father manage to do anything kind to anyone other than himself?”

“Well being whipped with snakes gives someone a bit of perspec-Dammit!” It slipped out before she could stop it. Nathan’s jaw dropped.

“Whipped with snakes? What the…?”

“It’s not what it sounds like.”

“I don’t know what it sounds like.” He said blankly before shaking his head and looking back at her. “How did you meet my father? I want the truth.”

There was no escaping it. She’d trapped herself.

“Alright, fine. Bear with me, this’ll be quite the talk.” She took a breath. “First thing you should know is that I’m an angel.” She wasn’t sure if humans were aware of a creature being half and half, it was a far less mainstream concept than a regular angel. Hopefully he’d be able wrap his head around it without having an aneurism.

He looked shocked, unable to form any kind of thought before shaking his head and looking at her square in the face. “What kind of drugs are you _on_?” He asked.

Kaera crossed her arms. “None. I’m perfectly sober and I’m dead serious.”

“Pardon me if I don’t believe you.” Nathan said, a little indignant.

“Look I’ll prove it.” She stood from her chair and sat next to him on the couch so he could see her eyes. The easiest way to prove it to him would have been to summon her wings, but she didn’t have enough practice with summoning them at will. Aziraphale had also told her that summoning her wings would be vital to unlocking her core, her angelic and demonic essence. Apparently one’s wings were important to a celestial or infernal being and the power surge that came after might hurt Nathan, so it was best to wait until she was ready and in the company of her friends. Besides, after having them on display against her will, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to summon them anytime soon. So she had to opt for a different kind of miraculous act.

As Nathan looked into her eyes, she showed him all kinds of marvels. Shifting and changing colors and swirling patters, nebulas and star systems that humanity had never dreamed of. All of them mixing together and exploding apart like fireworks, swirling and dancing inside Kaera’s irises. She was rather proud of that trick and glad she had a chance to show it off. Nathan watched her intently as the stars and lights, colors and patterns danced and faded from her eyes before returning to their normal color.

He was silent for a minute before saying, “Yep. Alright I guess.” He sighed. “I take it Aziraphale is an angel too then? And don’t tell me, Crowley is a demon.”

“Well, yes. But please don’t-”

“I won’t tell anyone, don’t get yourself worked up.” He stood from the couch and walked to the little kitchen pulling a glass and a bottle of cheap whiskey from the cabinet. “All these years of being an atheist only to be told I had it wrong.” He poured a glass and drained it. “So what does this have to do with my dad?”

“Well, I was taken prisoner in Hell. I was very poorly treated and forced to give horrible and cruel punishments. And trust me it was much of a punishment for me as it was for them.” She shuddered, doing her best to keep herself grounded, pushing the memories far into the back corners of her mind. Nathan held the bottle out to her and she shook her head. He shrugged as she continued. “One of those people was your father.”

“No surprise he’d end up in Hell.” Nathan said, sitting back on the couch, the glass still in his grip.

She ignored the comment and continued. “Your father told me he wanted to help me escape and he caused a diversion, allowing me to get to the exit.”

“You talk about him like you knew him really well.” Nathan said, raising his voice slightly. “Like he was a decent guy that was worth knowing”

“Well, he saved my life. He risked torture at the hands of a hundred angry demons just to help someone he barely knew. I’d say that’s-"

“One incident out of many.” Nathan said, beginning to shake with rage. “I knew the real George Cunningham Jr., and he was the furthest thing from decent. He wasn’t even mediocre. He was a horrible father and an even worse husband. He walked out on my mom when I’d barely even opened my eyes, leaving us with nothing. My mom had to prostitute herself to make ends meet. Then guess what he did? He went and joined a goddamned mob. And they killed my fucking mom! While I watched! I was lucky that my mom shoved me into a closet before they kicked down the door but I still saw everything. And he was there, but he didn’t do a fucking thing! He didn’t try to stop them or speak up or anything! He just watched like a coward as they beat my mom to death!”

“Nathan, I-“

“I was only seven years old.” He murmured, a haunted expression coming over his face. “I moved in with some family friends over here in England when I was fourteen to get away from everything, to escape every goddamn awful thing he did but it never leaves! Every time I close my goddamn eyes I just see his face watching as his boss beat the shit out of my mom. I do my best to cut all ties and what does this jackass do?” In one swift motion, Nathan threw the empty glass against the wall, sending shards of glass everywhere. “He shows up to tell me off! That I should have stayed with him and that he wanted to make a good life for me! I told him I didn’t give a fuck about what he thought of me and that he could kiss my ass! If he wanted to dictate my life, he shouldn’t have walked out! So don’t you dare try to tell me that my dad is a good person, that he’s turned over a new leaf because you know nothing!”

He was now standing directly over Kaera, who’s heart was pounding. She assumed this wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation but nothing could have prepared her for this. The whole room was filled with absolute hatred, so much so that it was beginning to give Kaera a headache. She took a breath to steady herself and slowly stood from the couch.

“I think it would be best if I left.” She said, doing her best to keep her voice calm.

“I think it would be as well.” Nathan said flatly, stepping aside and gesturing to the door.

“Before I do, your father asked me to give you a message.”

“What is it?” He snapped.

Kaera took another breath. “He wanted you to know that he misses you-”

“Get out!” He shouted.

“B-but I-”

“Get the fuck out!” Nathan roared, grabbing Kaera’s shoulder. “I don’t need to listen to him try to manipulate me! Don’t fool yourself into thinking a few words can fix twenty-seven years of shit! And don’t stick your nose into someone else’s life!” He gave Kaera a mighty shove and she was out on the doorstep without another word, the door slamming behind her. She sighed heavily and put her hand on the door.

“He misses you.” She continued her message. Even if Nathan didn’t want to hear it, she was still going to deliver it. She was still going to do right by George. “He’s sorry for the pain he caused you, he wishes you every happiness, and he’s proud of you.” There was another crash of breaking glass from inside, though Kaera couldn’t tell if it was a reaction of what she’d just said or not. “Oh, Nathan.” She murmured. “I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.” She turned and began to walk down the path, sending a silent plea upwards that some of Nathan’s pain be relieved.

Kaera walked to the end of the path and sat down on the curb, putting her head in her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you enjoyed that chapter, and the drawing. I worked hard on it and I'm really proud. So this half of the story begins what I'm calling The Heaven Arc. We've just finished The Hell Arc (though Hell is far from being done with Kaera, this is Heaven's turn to show their cruelty) so hold on to your butts, things are about to get crazy.  
> So on that note, how have you all been?  
> Thank you to TakeItEezy for all your help (and for letting me borrow Nathan). If you want to see one of the stories where Nathan originally comes from, go check out their Addicted to You series.  
> Thank you all for reading, kudos and comments are very much appreciated, and have a very lovely day!


	49. Performance

The Bentley drove up shortly after she sat down on the curb, the driver side window rolled down.

“Need a ride?” Crowley joked. Kaera gave him a weak smile as she stood up and got into the back seat.

“How did it go, my dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“Shitty.” Kaera grumbled. “Apparently, George wasn’t a very good father and Nathan is still mad at him.”

“No kidding.” Crowley said, stepping on the gas. “I can sense the anger and bitterness from here.” The car began speeding down the street.

“Nothing I said reached him.” Kaera said, looking out the window. “Even when I told him about how George saved my life, he wouldn’t budge. I tried everything to make him calmer or to ease his pain but there was nothing I could do.” She sighed, a broken and defeated breath from an exhausted body.

“I’m sorry dear.” Aziraphale said. “But there are those that you simply cannot help. The pain is too deep to be reached by anyone on the outside. The best you can do is stand beside them as they take their journey.”

“I don’t think Nathan wants me by his side.” Kaera said, her tone dismal. “I don’t think he wants anyone by his side.” She thought for a moment. “I didn’t try hard enough. That must be it.”

Crowley looked at her in the rear view mirror. “Don’t beat yourself up about it, kid. You did all you could to keep your promise. And you at least told Nathan what his father wanted him to know.”

“I guess.” Kaera muttered, still gazing out the window as the trees blurred past.

Crowley thought for a moment before merging into the furthest lane, the route to central London rather than back to the cottage.

“Crowley?” Kaera asked.

“I have an idea. I think this might cheer you up.”

Half an hour later, they parked outside of a brick building on the corner of two intersecting streets, bright lights and music coming from inside.

“Are you sure going to a pub is a good idea?” Kaera asked.

“Yeah, I do.” Crowley said, slipping a few coins into the meter. “This place has a great atmosphere. Just nice enough to not be dangerous and just seedy enough to actually be fun.”

“I…I’m not sure I’d be a good fit for this place.” Kaera said, wringing her hands. “I don’t really like alcohol, and I’m not much for parties or crowds. I’ll probably put a damper on the evening.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, my dear.” Aziraphale said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “You’re more fun than you give yourself credit for.” A sad attempt at a smile tugged at Kaera’s lips. “Besides, perhaps it might be good to get out and socialize a bit. Loosen up.” Kaera looked nervously through the window as Aziraphale gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “You deserve to relax a little. You’ve had a very stressful recover. But if it becomes too much for you, then we’ll leave.”

Kaera took a breath and nodded. A sign on the door caught her attention.

 _Karaoke Night_.

For a brief moment, she considered singing something but the idea of all those people staring at her made her a bit nervous. Not to mention she hadn’t sung in a really long time and she was a bit out of practice.

Crowley was right, the place did have a good atmosphere. As they stepped inside, Kaera was hit by a wave of laughter and conversation, mixed with the pleasant sound of a young woman singing an upbeat 80s ballad. The warm yellow light made the place seem almost homey despite the noise. She took another breath, the scent of old wood and alcohol filling her nose. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea.

Crowley pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed them a seat at the bar. Luckily the place wasn’t too crowded but there were a fair amount of people, so it was by sheer luck, and a bit of demonic intervention, that they were able to get three seats at the bar rather than having to hunt down a table.

The song ended and the crowd cheered as the young woman stepped off the stage, soon to be replaced by a man looking to be in his early 40s who began singing a Beatle’s song. The first verse was normal, but halfway through the second verse, the swinging, classic rock sound of the tune shifted to a more electric and powerful one. By the time the man got to the bridge, he was staring at the lyrics on the machine, utterly dumbfounded as “I wanna hold your hand” had suddenly turned into “Killer Queen.” He looked at the person who was controlling the karaoke machine, who shrugged. Dejected and confused, the man snuck off the stage.

“And what can I get for you, luv?” The bartender asked. Crowley and Aziraphale had both ordered their drinks while she had been taking the place in. She was about to ask for water when something stopped her. She wanted to have fun tonight. She couldn’t remember the last time she had really let loose and enjoyed herself. Maybe she hadn’t ever in her life. She had been too shy and outcasted to really relax around people growing up and as soon as she turned eighteen she’d been to concerned with saving money and making ends meet. She’d been so concerned with survival that she’d never stopped to take a moment to just breathe. Just have some fun and do something unexpected.

“Tequila.” She said. “Please.” Both Crowley and Aziraphale were gobsmacked.

“I’m going to need some ID.” The bartender said. Kaera took out her wallet and slapped her ID on the counter in front of her, using a quick miracle to change her birthdate from 1977 to 1997, so she wouldn’t raise any eyebrows or rouse any suspicion. The bartender looked over the card carefully and handed it back to Kaera before going to the wall of shelves behind her to grab the drinks.

“Well that wasn’t what I expected.” Aziraphale said.

Kaera flushed, slightly embarrassed. “That’s sort of what I was going for.” She muttered.

“Nothing wrong with that.” Crowley said as the bartender set a glass of whiskey in front of him. “As I said, you deserve to have some fun.”

“Just be careful.” Aziraphale warned as a glass of wine was set in front of him, though his tone was light and joking. “I’m in no mood to carry your inebriated self home.”

“Yes, Dad.” She joked back. A strange look passed over Aziraphale’s face, followed by a contented smile. Kaera didn’t see, as her drink had just been set down in front of her along with a slice of lime and a salt shaker.

“You know what you’re doing?” Crowley asked, a slight smirk on his lips.

“I think so.” Kaera answered back. In truth, she didn’t have the slightest clue. Was she supposed to put the salt in the drink? Or maybe the lime? Was she supposed to just down it? Well where did the salt come in?

“Lick the back of your hand.” Crowley instructed.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Just do it. It’s how y’drink tequila.”

Aziraphale glanced at his partner. “I never took you for a tequila man.” He said.

Crowley shrugged. “I tend to be adventurous sometimes. As long as it gets me drunk.” Kaera licked the back of her hand. “Now sprinkle some salt onto it.” She did as she was told. “This part’s gotta be fast. Lick the salt, down the shot, and bite the lime.”

She nodded and held the lime in her left hand and the shot in her right. She breathed out and licked the salt, all the moisture disappearing from her mouth. The alcohol burned as it went down her through like she’d swallowed a tongue of flame, but strangely enough it wasn’t painful. It was certainly unpleasant but it also left her feeling rather pinned and needled. As soon as the alcohol was gone, she bit down on the lime. The pin and needle feeling in her throat turned to a tingle. A shiver broke through her and she began to giggle.

“Another shot if you please!” She called to the bartender, who rolled her eyes.

After four shots she was feeling more than just a little tipsy. After the fifth, she was laughing like a fool and slurring horribly. Aziraphale was looking a little concerned but was glad she was enjoying herself. Crowley on the other hand was thoroughly chuffed. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he’d been worried about Kaera for a while. She had more tightly wound than a clockwork music box all week, it was good to see her having fun.

He looked back at Aziraphale, who was watching her carefully.

“It’s okay, Angel.” Crowley assured. “She’s finally starting to relax a little. We won’t let her get into too much trouble.”

Aziraphale sighed. “I suppose your right.”

Crowley looked over his shoulder to see how she was doing only to find that she was gone. In the few seconds it had taken him to talk to Aziraphale, she had managed to stumble up to the stage and request a song and she was now holding up a microphone while a familiar heavy baseline thumped through the air.

Kaera had never sung in front of a real audience before, unless you counted a group of children who couldn’t get to sleep. But she like singing and she was feeling _great_. So what did she have to lose? Besides, she had managed to go up to the coordinator and request the song without too much trouble, the song would be a piece of cake.

_“Steve walks warily down the street,_

_his brim pulled way down low_

_Ain’t no sound but the sound of his set_

_Machine guns ready to go._

_Are you ready? Hey! Are you ready for this?_

_Are you hangin’ on the edge of your seat?_

_Out of the doorway the bullets rip!_

_To the sound of the beat!_

_Hey!”_

Crowley had given her an appreciation for Queen songs (or at least riding in the Bentley had) and this song was by far her favorite. As she sang, she tapped her foot, mildly out of rhythm but who’s keeping score, and rolled her shoulders in what could loosely be defined as dancing. She may have looked ridiculous but she didn’t care. She was having a blast ad it seemed the audience was having a fun time as well. As the chores started, a man wearing a hoodie near the center of the crowd whooped and a raven haired woman sitting up front shouted “Own it!” and gave her a wide grin.

Thump thump thump

_“Another one bites the dust.”_

Thump thump thump.

_“Another one bites the dust._

_And another one gone and another one gone._

_Another one bites the dust._

_Hey! I’m gonna get you too._

_Another one bites the dust!”_

She did a quick spin and threw her arms out to the side, eliciting another cheer from the crowd. At the bar, she could see Crowley and Aziraphale watching with smiles on their faces. She jokingly waved a set of finger guns in their direction, causing Crowley to grin and shake his head and Aziraphale to laugh hysterically.

This was amazing! The sound of the cheering crowd, the warm light, the pleasant floating dizziness from the alcohol. She felt like she was on top of the world!

_“How do you think I’m gonna get along_

_Without you when you’re gone?_

_Took me for everything that I had_

_And kicked me out on my own!  
Are you happy?_

_Are you satisfied?  
How long can you stand the heat?_

_Out of the doorway the bullets rip_

_To the sound of the beat!”_

She spun around again on the balls of her feet, making herself a little dizzy in the process. She clung to the mic stand to steady herself as she sang the next chorus and scanned the faces in the crowd. A chill went through her as her eyes settled on a gentleman sitting in the back. He was watching her intently. And he did not look happy.

* * * * *

Despite the fact that she was clearly quite drunk, Aziraphale thought that Kaera was a wonderful singer. Her voice had the soul of an angel’s and the passion of a demon’s. The perfect blend. And despite the fact that it was s song for a lower voice, she still sang with real gusto. Aziraphale wondered how she would sound if she were singing sober. She would probably have a more put together sound, but she wouldn’t be nearly as confident. But he was glad she was having a moment to shine and be happy. At first, he was skeptical of Crowley’s idea of going to a pub, but this went rather nicely, as long as Kaera didn’t get into the habit of getting this drunk.

“I thought I told you to stop filming her.” Aziraphale whispered to Crowley, who was taking a video on his mobile.

“And I thought I told you to piss off.” Crowley teased back. Aziraphale rolled his eyes and continued to watch the performance. Kaera had just done a second spin and looked as if she would fall over if she didn’t have the mic stand to support her. But as Aziraphale watched, he noticed a change in her face. It was subtle, but it was there. Her face went pale and there was utter fear in her eyes. She continued to sing but her body stayed completely still the entire time. The rest of the crowd didn’t seem to notice, they simply kept on cheering. But she looked scared. What had happened?

The song ended and Kaera quickly walked off the stage, stumbling back to her seat at the bar.

“Kaera, what happened?”

“Ssssomeone was watching,” she slurred, shivering a little. Her hand gripped the bar as she swayed back and forth. Aziraphale took her arm and steadied her. “I…I didn’t…I can’t…”

“Let’s get you home, dear.” Aziraphale said, gesturing for Crowley to get her other arm.

As they were leaving the bar, they failed to notice the person sitting in the corner of the room at an empty table. There was no drink in front of him and if any of the staff had tried to sever him anything, they would be met with a cold glare. Nobody had seen him come in and none of the other patrons were paying him any mind. But he had been watching Kaera sing, becoming angrier and more disgusted with every note. As the demon and angel helped her stumble out the door, he continued to stare and watch with angry, purple eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun!  
> I hope you all liked that chapter! So I am a very sleepy. Senior year has already got me effed up and it's only September. But I'd rather be busy than bored.  
> Also, I'd like to give an enormous thank you to [Rozencrantz95](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz95/pseuds/Rosencrantz95) for your beautiful artwork. I'm so honored that you would take the time to make such beautiful drawings of my story. It makes me feel all happy.  
> And thank you as always to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all your help.  
> Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!!


	50. Archangel's Warning

A few days had passed since they had gone to the pub. Kaera refused to talk about what had frightened her. Crowley and Aziraphale had already done so much for her, she didn’t want to worry them further. Besides, it was just a dirty look from a stranger, most likely nothing. Well she tried to tell herself this, but she knew far too well that when she got that particular feeling, something bad was always certain to follow

On a particularly rainy Sunday afternoon, Kaera was up in her room sketching the orchid in the flower pot by her bed, letting herself get lost in the soft curves of the pale pink petals and the arch of the stem. She had just finished the initial outline and was pulling out her ink and pen when the familiar icy feeling passed over her.   
Slowly, and doing her best to make as little noise as possible, she walked over to the door and locked it. It was rather foolish, she knew that whatever was approaching the house was far more powerful than she was so a locked door wouldn’t do much, but it still brought her a marginal amount of comfort.

Still shivering, she sat down on the floor and waited for the feeling to pass.

* * * * *

Crowley and Aziraphale were down in the living room in the middle of a game of cards. Crowley was trying to teach Aziraphale how to play poker and it wasn’t going well. A know at the door interrupted their game.

Crowley rolled his eyes.

“I’ll get it dear.” Aziraphale said, a slight smile coming to his face when he saw the grumpy expression the demon had. “Why don’t you get us some more tea?”

“Alright.” Crowley said. “Should I get some for Kaera as well?”

“I’m sure she’d appreciate that.” The angel answered back as he walked from the living room to the door. When he saw who was outside, the color drained form his face. The figure in front of him looked the same as when Aziraphale last saw him, right down to the pompous grin.

“Gabriel!” Aziraphale said loudly, warning the other residents of the cottage. Up in her room, Kaera went stiff, the only movement coming from her rapid breaths. Crowley’s ears perked at the blanketed distress in his angel’s voice, dropped the kettle, and ran from the kitchen, rushing to Aziraphale’s side.

“Aziraphale,” Gabriel greeted, feigning pleasantness. When his eyes fell on Crowley, his smile didn’t falter but the disgust on his face was clear. “Demon,” he greeted, not even bothering with Crowley’s name.

“What the fuck do you want?” Crowley growled, putting a protective arm around Aziraphale.

“Is it not wrong to want to visit one of my old colleagues?” Gabriel said.

“Sorry, we have a no motherfuckers policy.” Crowley snapped.

The archangel rolled his eyes. “If you’re going to insult someone, demon, make sure they actually understand what you’re trying to call them.”

“Oh I’d be happy to explain it.” Crowley said, narrowing his eyes. “It means-“

“It’s just an expression.” Aziraphale cut him off. “A figure of speech. The humans use it quite often.”

“Yeah and it fits you perfectly.” Crowley sneered, earning him a sharp look from Aziraphale.

Gabriel looked undeterred. “Well there is another figure of speech that humans use. How does it go again? Oh yes, that’s right. Another one bites the dust.”

Aziraphale’s breath nearly caught in his throat and Crowley looked about ready to launch the archangel into the sun. He’d been there. He’d been watching.

“May I come in?”

Crowley was about to tell him to fuck off but Aziraphale put a hand on the demon’s chest, signaling to his partner to not say anything that might make Gabriel angry.

“Yes of course.” Aziraphale said, trying to keep the quiver out of his voice. “Make yourself comfortable.” Gabriel breezed past the two of them and into the sitting room, plopping himself down in an armchair, sitting up straight as if it were a throne.

“Angel, what are you doing?” Crowley hissed, keeping his voice low so Gabriel wouldn’t hear. “You just invited the angel who made an attempt on your life into our living room!”

“We don’t want him to become too suspicious of us. Best to just see what he wants and get him out of here as quick as possible.”

He was about to walk into the living room when Crowley pulled him back again. “Do you think he’s here for…” from behind his dark sunglasses, he glanced towards the stairs.

“I don’t doubt it, darling. Not one bit. But as I said, hear what he wants and get him out.” Aziraphale made an effort to not look at the stairs as he walked into the living room. “You must forgive Crowley. He-"

“I’m still pissed at you.” Crowley finished.

Gabriel continued to smile but there was absolute rage in his eyes. “I was just doing Her work. She has no room for failures in Her armies. I had to keep him in line.” He folded his hands, the smile turning downward slightly. “Of course we all know how that worked out.”

Crowley wanted to throw this wanker out the window and maybe onto the M25 but he stayed where he was for his angel’s sake.

“Can I get you anything, Gabriel?” Aziraphale asked politely, doing his best to brush off the comment, though there was a look of shame over his face. “Water? Tea?”

“Aziraphale we’ve been over this. Angels should not be consuming gross matter.” He smirked. “Well, proper angels anyway.” The shameful look on Aziraphale’s face grew deeper. Crowley stood next to Aziraphale, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. Gabriel made a face.

“Still romancing a demon, Aziraphale? Really?” He snorted.

“If you’re just going to insult Aziraphale, you can get the fuck back to Heaven, you peacock.” Crowley growled.

Gabriel gave them a stern look. “I haven’t said what I needed to say.”

“Then get on with it and go.” Crowley said.

Gabriel gave him a dirty look. “Fine.” He straightened his back and folded his hands. “As much as I loathe to work with you again, Azirapahle, Heaven has a task for you.”

“He’s not working for you anymore. He has his own side.” Crowley snapped.

“Please do not interrupt me, demon.” Gabriel said, his eyes glowing an irritated violet.

“You can’t make an attempt on someone’s life and still expect him to do your dirty work.”

“Perhaps you should let Azirapahle speak for himself.” Gabriel said, a grin coming over his face.

 _Funny_ , Crowley thought, _you never cared what he had to say before._

Aziraphale gave Crowley’s hand a small squeeze.

“I have my own life, Gabriel.” The quiver was still in his voice, but he still spoke. Crowley put his arm around the angel, offering him a silent promise. _I’m here and I’m not going anywhere_. “Crowley is right. You tried to kill me. You no longer wished me to associate with Heaven. So how can you expect me to still do Heaven’s work when it no longer has or wishes anything to do with me, nor I with it?” Despite the situation, Crowley could feel some pride in his chest for his angel and he wanted more than anything to tell Gabriel to get fucked.

“You would forsake Her?” Gabriel said, rising from his chair. A small shiver went through Aziraphale, though he still remained calm.

“I have not forsaken Her. I would never turn my back on Her. However I can’t continue to work with those who would cause harm to Her creations.”

“How dare you-”

“Say what you need to and go.” Aziraphale said flatly.

Gabriel huffed. “Fine. Either way, no matter how we feel about each other, that doesn’t change the fact that there are more important matters to be dealt with.” He began pacing around the room. “Reports have been made about a girl, appearing to be around eighteen years of age in human years, that you’ll need to keep an eye out for.”

“A girl?” Aziraphale squeaked, the sudden burst of confidence disappearing from him.

“Yes, about five foot four with dirty blonde hair. Answers to the name of Kaera?” Gabriel continued to pace around the room, walking behind the couple. Aziraphale nervously gripped Crowley’s hand. He knew about her.

“What’s so important about her? Why do I need to look out for her?”

Gabriel looked back at him, a smirk on his face. “You don’t know?” I’m shocked Aziraphale, with how caught up you are in events down here. Well, it turns out she it the offspring of Haniel and the demon Azazel. You remember them, right?”

“Yes.” Aziraphale said, his voice numb. “I remember. But a creature that’s half angel and half demon? I thought that wasn’t possible.”

 _Now it not the time to try and oversell it_. Crowley thought.

Gabriel continued to pace, coming dangerously close to the stairs.

“You didn’t know about her? You haven’t seen her?”

It was a test. They both knew it was a test and either answer was wrong. Aziraphale took a breath. “No.” He answered. “I haven’t seen her.”

Gabriel looked over his shoulder. “Really?” He said before turning around fully and walking towards them. Crowley threw a protective arm in front of the angel. “Lying is not very becoming of a principality, Aziraphale. You wouldn’t do that would you?”

“I’m not lying.” Technically he wasn’t. Kaera had stayed in her room all morning so he hadn’t seen her.

“Say that again, Aziraphale.” Gabriel said, giving both angel and demon a scrutinizing look. “Look me in the eye and tell me in confidence that you haven’t seen her.”

Aziraphale took a breath. “I haven’t seen her. I swear that I have not seen hide nor hair of her.” Aziraphale said quietly.

Gabriel smiled and clasped his hands together. “Well, I’m sure you’ll report to me if you do see something, won’t you?”

“What do you want with her in any case?” Aziraphale asked, doing his best to keep his teeth from chattering.

Gabriel continued to pace around the room like a lion circling a wildebeest. “I suppose I can tell you, since you’ll be keeping such a _watchful_ eye out for her.” He stopped pacing, folding his hands again. “Heaven believes she could be of use to us. After all, a creature born of both Heaven and Hell would make a fantastic agent.”

“What if she doesn’t wish to serve Heaven?” Aziraphale asks. “What if she refuses?”

“Refuse?” Gabriel chortled. “Why should she refuse?”

“Well,” Aziraphale began floundering, “there is…well, erm…that is to say…”

“She refused Hell.” Crowley declared. “If she refused Hell she’d likely refuse Heaven too.”

“Oh, so you’ve seen her?” Gabriel questioned.

“I haven’t but I’ve gotten reports from Hell. They tried and failed to get her to their side.”

“Well, demon, you might not understand this but perhaps she refused Hell because she was saving herself for Heaven.”

“Gabriel, all I want to know is what your plan is if she refuses.” Aziraphale said.

Gabriel smiled and set his hand on the banister leading to the upstairs floor, to Kaera. “She won’t.” He said, a threatening grin on his face. “I was told to make sure of it.”

“Out!” Crowley barked. “Now!

“I was already on my way. Trust me, I don’t wish to stay in this house any longer than I need to.” He turned his gaze towards the upstairs hallway. “Kaera!” He shouted. “I’ll be taking my leave now, but we’ll be seeing each other soon.”

All three of them, Kaera up in her room and Crowley and Aziraphale still in the den, felt their breath catch in their throats. Crowley was the first to find his voice. “Get. Out.”

Gabriel smiled and disappeared in a brief flash of holy light with an audible pop. The house was quiet again, with the exception of the rain pattering against the windows.

Crowley pulled Aziraphale close. “You alright, Angel?” He asked.

“Yes I’m fine.” Aziraphale gasped. He pulled away and set a hand on Crowley’s cheek. “Are you alright, my love?”

“Yeah, ‘m alright.” Neither wanted to admit how shaken they were.

Aziraphale nodded and raced up the stairs, Crowley not far behind. They reached Kaera’s door and tried to handle, only to find it was locked. “Kaera? Kaera please open the door.” There was no answer. “It’s only us, dear. No need to be frightened.” Aziraphale promised. The sound of a lock clicking came from behind the door as it swung open. Kaera was still sitting against the wall, white as a sheet.

“Is he gone?” She murmured as Aziraphale sat down on the floor next to her. “Please tell me he’s gone.”

“Yes love,” Aziraphale soothed, putting an arm around her. “He’s gone.”

Kaera let out a breath that she seemed to have been holding for a long time, but the fear in all three of them was still there and it would remain for a long time. Though Gabriel was gone, they all knew it was only a matter of time before he came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. I'm gonna level with you, I'm feeling really stressed. Not only is school work starting to pile up as are personal projects that I want to finish, but last night I was informed that my brother tested positive for COVID-19. He's only 23 so he should pull through just fine but I'm still worried about him nonetheless. Just please keep him and my family in your thoughts and prayers.  
> Thanks to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for helping me with this chapter and just for being awesome.  
> Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	51. An offer becomes a threat

The rain continued for several days, as did the on edge feeling that seemed to follow everyone all throughout the house. Kaera was almost glad to take on extra hours for work, even if it did involve walking dogs in the pouring rain, much to the dogs’ annoyance as well as her own. Being in the cottage almost made her as afraid as the strange entity she felt that day. She never saw him but she heard his voice and the plans he had for her. Whenever she was alone in the house she was struck with an eery feeling that he was still there, watching .

Since she was taking extra hours, Lucille would give her rides home so Crowley wouldn’t have to take extra trips into the city. Wednesday afternoon, about a week or so after Gabriel made his visit, Kaera was clocking out and was about to head for Lucille’s office when she turned around to see that the red-haired woman had instead come to her.

“Oh, hey Lucille. D’you need anything?”

Lucille shook her head. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re alright.”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” Kaera answered, lying through her teeth.

“You’re taking on more hours and you seem to be under a lot of stress. Is there something you want to talk about? Trouble at home?”

Kaera rapidly shook her head. “Trouble? No there’s trouble. I just haven’t been sleeping well is all.”

“If you want I can put you down for fewer hours-”

“No!” Kaera protested, much to Lucille’s surprise. “I mean…no that’s okay. I need the money. Ready to go? Okay great!”

Lucille put a hand on her shoulder. “Kaera please, slow down. I’m worried about you, your father is worried about you-”

“Father?” Kaera said, taken aback. “Lucille I thought I told you I don’t have parents.”

“Then who was that older man? Soft spoken, calls everyone ‘my dear’? I thought he was your father.”

“Aziraphale?” Kaera asked softly. “No, he was a friend of my parents’ before they passed. I’m currently living with him and his partner.” It was strange denying that he was anything short of parental to her. Both him and Crowley. She’d only been living with them since August, only seven months, but she still felt connected to both of them in more than just friendship.

No. That wasn’t fair to them. They didn’t deserve to be stuck with her. She was only staying with them until she felt safe enough to be on her own again…for some reason the thought of leaving them saddened her. She sighed, pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind.

“Either way,” Lucille said, “he called me earlier this week and asked me to look out for your health. He’s worried about you. And I am too.”

Kaera looked at the ground. Her problem was far too complex for most people to understand, but she was still touched by her employer’s concern. “I’ll be okay. Thank you.”

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Kaera sighed. “When I find a way to put it into words, I’ll be sure to do that.” She gave Lucille a weak smile and the red-haired woman smiled back.

“C’mon, let’s get to the car while there’s a lull.” She said as she locked the door to her office. Kaera went around to the other parts of the floor and made sure the doors were locked and that the lights were off before meeting Lucille in the parking lot. The rain had slowed but the sky remained a dark gray and the bitter witter wind nipped at Kaera’s skin.

The car ride out to the cottage was rather quiet. Lucille had turned on the radio in an attempt to combat the silence but all that did was draw attention to the fact that neither of them knew what to say. Kaera kept her gaze out the window as the tall buildings and street lights faded to cottages and trees. The rain began to pick up again, the small, fat drops plopping against the windshield.

In no time, they’d reached the cottage and Lucille wished Kaera a good night.

Nobody was inside when Kaera entered the house. A note from Azirapahle was sitting on the coffee table.

_Went to pick up some food for dinner. We should be back soon._

Kaera sat down on the sofa and picked up a book in the hopes of ignoring the nerves rising in her chest. After ten minutes of reading, there was a knock at the door. Puzzled, Kaera marked her page and walked to the door. Non of them had ordered anything or were expecting any kind of delivery, and they lived too far from the village to have any nearby neighbors. So who was knocking? When Kaera opened the door, her heart nearly stopped when she was faced with a familiar pair of threatening purple eyes, the same pair she’d seen watching her angrily in the pub. The nerves in her chest quickly turned to panic and she froze.

“You must be Kaera.” The purple eyed man said. His voice was just as cold and sickeningly patronizing when he was standing directly in front of her as it sounded when they had been separated by an entire floor. “Perhaps you’ve heard of me? I mean you must have, I’m the archangel Gabriel.”

He didn’t offer her his hand, not that she would have taken it. She tried to respond, to tell him to go away, but all that came from her lips was a terrified gasp.

“You know it’s very rude to leave a guest out on the doorstep, especially in the rain. May I come in?”

I…urm…”

“Why thank you.” Gabriel pushed past her and walked into the living room. “We have quite a bit to talk about.”

This was really a dirty tactic on Gabriel’s part, cornering her while she was alone. Here she thought angels were supposed to be just and fair beings. Just another stupid misconception she could add to her lis.

Somehow she was able to find her voice. “Crowley and Aziraphale won’t be happy when they find you hear. Or when they find you harassing me.”

“Harassing?” Gabriel said, clicking his tongue. “I’d hardly call this harassing. I’d call this a friendly conversation. And you won’t have to worry about those two interrupting us. They won’t be back for a while, we have plenty of time.” He snapped his fingers.

Kaera went cold. “What did you do to them?” She nearly shouted. “What did you do?!”

“Just delayed their trip a little. No need to worry.” His tone was a little too calm for Kaera’s comfort.

“You stay away.” Kaera snapped, trying to sound the least bit intimidating. “If you try to hurt me, you’ll regret it.”

Gabriel clicked his tongue again. “Quite rude.” He snapped his fingers and her legs began to move on their own. The memory of her possession washed over her and a cold panic slipped into her veins. The small bit of her essence that she still had control over struggled to get out of his hold but it was no use. But all she was forced to do was walk over to the couch and sit down facing Gabriel, who had sat himself down in an armchair. As soon as she was sitting, the loss of control left her and she was able to move again. “Much better.” Gabriel said, but there was a silent warning in his words.

_I won’t hesitate to do that again if you don’t comply._

“Now let’s chat.” He gave her a shit eating grin. “Kaera, you have a marvelous opportunity in front of you. Heaven has taken note of your achievements and abilities and I’m here to tell you that we have an offer for you.”

“Whatever it is, I’m not interested.” She snapped.

Gabriel frowned. “So very tetchy. There is no need for such hostility.”

“No need for such…Do you even hear how ridiculous you are? You tried to kill my friend! You abused him for years-“

“Aziraphale was a failure of an angel.”

_And you’re a failure of a being_. Kaera thought bitterly.

“But with you’re abilities and your…heritage,” was she mistaken or was there a trace of disgust in his voice, “you could be so much more than he ever was. You could lead Heaven to our long awaited victory!” He stood up, absolute glee in his voice.

“You seem to think that I can do things that other angels and demons can’t. I’m afraid you’re mistaken. As far as I’m aware, I can do everything they can. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Well, we have access to a great many things in Heaven. I’m sure we can find some way to help you unlock any of the secrets you may have in you.” There was a light in his eyes that she didn’t like. “So what do you say?” The question was a formality. He was already assuming her answer. Well he was certainly in for a surprise.

“What do I say? I say no. I don’t want to be some pawn. I just want to live my life and be left alone.”

The smile fell away from Gabriel’s face.

“No?” He said.

“N-no.” Kaera answered, a slight tremble in her voice. Gabriel walked over to the sofa and looked down at her, any trace of pleasantness or polite formality was completely gone.

“You might want to consider very carefully before coming to a final decision.” He said darkly.

She stood up, straightening her spine to her full height. Her heart was pounding and she was terrified, but she would not for the life of her let it show.

“I don’t need to think about it. I’ve already made my decision and my answer is no.”

Rage shone in Gabriel’s eyes. “You are making a mistake, hybrid.”

“I have a name, thank you.” She said. “Why would I want to work with someone who doesn’t even respect who I am? I know what you really think of me.”

Gabriel stepped closer. “Do you though?” She backed away. “Do you know what I really, _truly_ think of you?” Kaera took a few more steps away from him, her back hitting the wall. Gabriel continued to approach until he was directly in front of her, blocking any means of escape. There was murderous intent in his eyes. “You are trash. A being that should have never been spawned. You do not belong in Her creation. You are an utter abomination.” Absolute fury and disgust were across Gabriel’s face. The air was thick with rage and Kaera got the feeling if Gabriel’s hands weren’t tightened into fists at his sides, they would be gripping her throat. But just as quickly as it came, it was gone, and his face went back to its usual condescending expression, though he still didn’t look happy. “Of course, it won’t come to that. It may take some convincing, but you’ll come around.”

“T-that’s not likely.” She squeaked.

Gabriel pouted. “Well, when you do come around, you know where to find me.” She didn’t have the spunk left in her to point out that he meant “if you come around” instead of “when” but something also told her that he knew that. “And please, give those two disappointments you call friends my regards.”

“I-I think it’s time for you to leave.” She said, her knees trembling.

“Run out of confidence, have we?” Gabriel mocked.

Shakily, Kaera made her way to the door and opened it. “Please leave.” When she looked behind her, she found that Gabriel was gone, but a voice whispered in her ear as if he were standing directly behind her.

“You’ll be seeing me very soon.”

She flinched, spinning around. There was nobody there. She closed the door and after a second of thinking, locked it. She took a few steps to steady herself before settling back onto the couch, her entire body shivering. No matter how much she tried to calm herself, she just couldn’t shake the feeling that Gabriel was still around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, darlings! I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Just when Kaera thought she was safe, here comes Gabriel to ruin it.   
> Anyhoo, things are pretty good on my end. According to my mother, my brother's fever has gone down a bit and he's starting to get his sense of taste and smell back so that's good. And rehearsals for my school's production of _She Kills Monsters; Virtual Realms_ is going really well. A few people from the cast even got together to start a D&D campaign of our own and it's been a blast. I hope things are going well for you all.  
> Thank you to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all your help. Thank you all so much for reading, kudos and comments are very much appreciated, and have a lovely day!


	52. Berating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some very nasty things are said. Nothing too derogatory and no slurs, but I just wanted to let you know to be safe.

When Crowley and Aziraphale returned, they found Kaera still sitting on the couch, wringing her hands. The sound of the unlocking door broke the girl from her thoughts and she let out a sigh of relief at the sight of them.

“You’re okay!” She gasped, running over and throwing her arms around them.

“Of course we’re okay, dear girl, why wouldn’t we be?” Aziraphale said. He put a hand on her shoulder and found she was shivering horribly.

“I…I thought…I thought something terrible had happened to you.” She murmured.

“All that happened to us was a nasty bout of traffic on the M25.” Crowley grunted, shifting a bag of groceries under his arm. “Still regret that bloody thing.”

Kaera refused to let go of them. “I was worried I’d never see you again.”

“Kaera, what’s happened?” Aziraphale asked, recognizing the terror in the girls voice. Kaera pulled away slightly to face them. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Kaera dropped her eyes in shame. “More like I’ve seen an archangel.” She muttered.

Aziraphale’s eyes widened and Crowley began fuming.

“What did that basssssstard want?” He hissed.

“He had an offer for me.” Kaera said quietly as she sat down on the couch. “Wanted me to come work for Heaven.”

“And what did you say?” Aziraphale asked as he sat down next to her. Was she mistaken or was there a nervous look on his face?

“I said no, of course.” She said, a bit of strength coming back to her voice. But it disappeared quickly. “Gabriel wasn’t happy.”

“I told him you wouldn’t be on board.” Crowley said. His voice was still angry, but there was a sliver of pride in it as well. “Stubborn wanker wouldn’t listen.”

Kaera chuckled weakly. “That’s not all though.” She said, her thin smile fading. “He also told me what he truly thought of me. W-what he’d do if I wasn’t so important to Heaven.” She shivered at the thought of his furious purple eyes. Aziraphale put his arm around her. “I’m absolutely terrified.” She admitted. “What does he have in store for me?”

“I don’t know, love. I don’t know.” Aziraphale said. “But you won’t have to face him alone next time.”

Kaera sighed. “I just finished fighting off one side and it still haunts me. I don’t have the strength to do it again.”

“That’s not true.” Crowley said, stopping his pacing around the room. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Kaera dropped her eyes. She appreciated the vote of confidence, but it would make it that much more bitter when she inevitably let them down.

“Y…you won’t leave me…will you?” She murmured. She wouldn’t be surprised or blame them if they decided she was more trouble than she was worth, but she didn’t know if she’d be able to bear hearing it in the thick of things. Best get the truth laid out now.

“Never, darling.” Aziraphale said, pulling her into an embrace. “You won’t be alone.”

She wanted with everything in her being to believe him. But a sickening feeling in her stomach told her that Aziraphale wouldn’t keep his promise.

* * * * *

The rain stopped the next morning, sending a marginal amount of optimism through Kaera. Gabriel’s berating and threats still hung heavy in her mind but Crowley and Aziraphale were being supportive of her. She owed it to them to at least try and be a little more positive. She didn’t want to let them down. Besides, she had that small amount of optimism tat morning and she was going to do something about it.

She sat up, feeling a little dizzy. Was something wrong with her corporation? Maybe she was just hungry.

She rose to her feet and the room went a little lopsided, forcing her to sit back down. Maybe getting the day started could wait until she was feeling a little better physically.

Most of the morning was spent in bed but by lunch, it had mostly subsided. Crowley came into her room as she was finishing brushing her hair and pulling it into a braid and asked if she’d help him water his plants and she agreed. It seemed like just the thing she needed to get her mind off things.

Crowley handed her a second plant mister as she descended the stairs and turned to start on the plants at one end of the room while she started at the other. As she sprayed each plant with a fine mist, she noticed one of the smaller plants was looking a little wilted. Crowley likely wouldn’t be happy, the plant had been looking that way for a few days now and it would likely be tossed if it didn’t shape up soon. It just needed a little care, in her opinion.

When Crowley’s back was turned, she whispered a quick blessing and called down a miracle, turning the leaves back to a beautiful vibrant green.

“There we are,” she whispered, “right as rain now.” She stood up and continued to spray the other plants.

“What did you just do?” A voice behind her snapped. She turned and found Crowley, looking very irritated.

“It was looking a little wilted.” She explained. “I just wanted to-"

“I asked you to water it. I didn’t ask you to interfere.” Kaera knew he was particular about his plants, she should have known he wouldn’t take to kindly to her healing it. Maybe she should have been a little more careful.

“I’m sorry-”

“It’s already pathetic enough without you making it worse.

Her jaw dropped. “W-what?”

“Are you deaf? I said it’s already pathetic enough without you making it worse.” He huffed. “Then again, maybe the plant was just following _your_ example.”

She hung her head. “Is that really what you think of me?” She’d been thinking it for a while and now it was out in the open.

“As a matter of speaking, yes.” Crowley said. The words sent a spike of shock and anguish through her. “Ever since you walked into our lives, you’ve been nothing but trouble. All you do is make things worse. You’re bloody useless.”

As he spoke, she slowly backed away but in her attempt to escape the scolding, her foot bumped the flower pot, knocking over the little fern she’d just healed. Dirt spilled all over the floor. She looked from the mess on the floor to Crowley, a little shot of nerves going through her.

“Now look at what you’ve done!” He shouted. “Honestly, you can’t even do one simple thing right.”

“I can clean it-”

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Crowley snarled. Kaera hung her head and walked out into the kitchen. It wasn’t like Crowley to be so cruel. He usually only spoke that way to his plants, never to anyone else. Never to her. An angry kind of sadness boiled up inside her as his insults repeated themselves in her mind. She took a deep breath and let it out. Surely he didn’t mean it. He was just having a bad day.

In the kitchen, Aziraphale had just finished boiling some water and was beginning to start on lunch.

“Hello, Kaera.” He greeted. “Care for some tea?”

“Yes please.” She said. Aziraphale pulled a second mug from the cabinet and poured some hot water into it, taking a peach tea bag from the box on the counter. Kaera was more fond of chamomile, she thought Aziraphale knew that, but didn’t want to correct him. “Is Crowley alright?” She asked as she stirred a bit of sugar into her mug.

Aziraphale looked puzzled. “Of course he’s alright, why wouldn’t he be?”

She shrugged and looked at the ground. “Well I was helping him water his plants and he began to shout at me after I healed a fern that wasn’t looking to good. He said some really nasty things.”

“What sort of things?”

She took a sip of her tea. “He said I was useless, that I do everything wrong, and that ever since I came into your lives, I’ve done nothing but cause trouble. That I made everything worse. That…that doesn’t sound like him does it?” She tried to keep the hope out of her voice, but deep down she knew the things he said about her were true.

Aziraphale thought for a moment. “No that doesn’t sound like him at all.” Kaera let out a sigh of relief. Crowley _was_ just having a bad day, she hadn’t gone mad. “I hadn’t expected him to say such things.”

“Hadn’t expected? I’d say it’s oddly out of character for him. He usually isn’t so nasty.”

“Well he _is_ a demon. Though I have to say I am rather glad he’s being honest. Perhaps I’ve had a good influence on him.”

“Honest? What do you mean honest?” An icy shock crawled through Kaera’s veins.

“Well, he said the truth didn’t he?” Aziraphale said cheerfully.

“You…you think it too?” Kaera asked weakly.

A strange flash passed through Aziraphale’s eyes as he smiled at her.

“Well, you are an abomination after all.”

The crash of the mug hitting the floor was the first thing that registered. Her ears and body practically went into shock after he said it. He’d never said anything so cruel to her before. Just last night he assured her that he would support her. He told her she wouldn’t be alone. Was all that just a lie?

“Close your mouth, dear, you look like a fish.” Aziraphale said, just as warm and casual.

“I…I’m going up to my room. I do not want you to follow me or try to talk to me.” She said, completely numb.

“I think that would be best.” Aziraphale agreed with a smile.

Kaera turned on her heels and stropped up the stairs and into her room, closing the door behind her. Her pendant hummed, sending a wave of…something through her. Maybe it was a warning or maybe it was trying to tell her not to believe them? Whatever it was, she didn’t need any more shit on top of what she was already dealing with.

“Shut it.” She muttered to her pendant. The glow dimmed and the feeling slipped away. Regret replaced it. She didn’t mean to be so harsh with whatever it was around her neck, spirit, angel, whatever. No wait…yes she did. No she didn’t! Augh this was all so frustrating.

She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She didn’t want to believe it. She thought Crowley and Aziraphale were her friends. But that’s what they really thought of her? After everything she’d been through, they chose now to finally be honest with her? And after she’d opened up to them about how afraid she was? Last time she’d ever do something like that.

How could she have been so foolish to believe that anyone would be able to see past what she was: a freak. Not even her closest friends could hide what they thought of her.

She collapsed on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest, a frustrating cocktail of emotions swimming around in her. Though she tried to keep them away, a few angry tears leaked from her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! It's finally October! This is my favorite month of the year, not just because it's my birth month (I'm turning 22 on Tuesday!!!) but I love how crisp and chilly the air is, it gives me an excuse to wear my oversized sweaters and there's just something so nice about it being cold outside while you're nice and cozy inside. I just love it! And I finally had some free time tonight so I baked some cookies for my parents, who are coming to campus tomorrow. I'm honestly really happy. :)  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	53. Self Loathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Self hatred, self deprecating thoughts, and use of a derogatory slur

A knock sounded at her door.

“Go away.” She muttered, still hugging a pillow to her chest.

“Kaera? Is everything alright?” Azirpahale called form the other side of the door.

“Why do you care?” Kaera snapped, not feeling any remorse for her harshness. She knew how he really felt about her, why should she bother protecting his feelings when he clearly didn’t value hers?

“Kaera…” Aziraphale said, pain in his voice. “Please. Come down to dinner and talk to us.”

“I’m surprised you’d want to share a table with an abomination.” Kaera fumed.

Aziraphale opened the door, not very fond of having a conversation separated by a layer of wood. A look of shock and frustration was on his face and there was pain and anguish in his eyes. “Do not ever say such horrible things about yourself.” He said, his voice sharp. “I won’t stand to hear it.”

Kaera sat up, looking at the principality standing in the doorway.

“You certainly had no qualms about saying it earlier.” She said cooly.

Aziraphale looked puzzled. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You and Crowley told me exactly what you thought of me earlier. Don’t try and deny it or tell me I’m being silly. It happened and it felt horrible.”

“Dear, you’ve been in your room all day. This is the first time I’ve spoken with you since last night.” Aziraphale said.

“I told you, don’t deny it.”

“I can’t deny what didn’t happen.” He lifted his hand, two fingers raised. “I’ll show you I’m telling the truth, if you’ll permit me.”

Kaera eyed him warily but still nodded, watching with narrowed eyes as he sat down on the bed next to her and settled his pointer and middle finger on her forehead.

The day passed by quickly, with Aziraphale making breakfast, calling for Kaera only to get no answer, spending some time reading over an old scroll, making lunch, sitting on the couch while Crowley dozed on his shoulder, the two of them making dinner, up until now. He was right. She hadn’t seen him that day.

“But that…that can’t be right. I saw…I heard…”

“What happened, my dear?” Azirpahale asked softly. Kaera lifted her hand and set two fingers on Azirpahale’s forehead. Nothing happened. There was no rush of memories, no tug, no burst of emotion, just the two of them sitting there. “That’s odd.” Aziraphale said. “I don’t see anything.”

Kaera thought for a moment. “Let me try sharing a different memory. I might have lost the ability and we just don’t know it.” She set the two fingers on his forehead again, thinking back to her eighteenth birthday once more. This time, the rush came over her, the swirl of memory overtook them both and it took quite a bit of strain to end it before she showed Azirpahale her entire life. “So, I haven’t lost the ability, just that one memory.” She pondered.

“So it would seem.” Aziraphale answered, setting a hand against her temple. “There seems to be some kind of disturbance in your mind.” He closed his eyes only for them to jerk open again, tearing his hand away with a bit of a yelp.

“What happened?” Kaera asked. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Just got a bit of a shock is all, nothing to worry about.” He assured as he rubbed his wrist. “Whatever put that block in your mind doesn’t want it moved, and is much more powerful than a mere principality.”

“So there’s nothing you can do? I’m just stuck like this?”

“It would appear that way. I’m so sorry.”

“Great.” Kaera groaned setting her chin in her hand. “Just great. This is the second time someone’s just set up shop in my head and made me see things, today has been just bloody wonderful.” She huffed out an exasperated sigh. Azirpahale put a hand on her shoulder. She glanced at him and gave him a weak smiled before sighing again.

“Did I really call you an…”

“An abomination?” She finished, her voice bitter and icy. “Yes. You did.And it bloody hurt.”

“I’m so, so sorry, my dear girl.” Aziraphale said, giving her shoulder a light squeeze.

She sighed for a third time. “Well if what you’re saying is true, you don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t really you saying it.”

“That may be, but someone still made you think I said it. Even if I didn’t, they still hurt you.”

“It was almost a little scary.” She said. “Not like the horror movie kind of scary but, y’know eery. Like you still sounded and acted like you but what you said was…hurtful. Really hurtful and uncannily out of character. Especially the strange way your eyes flashed.”

“Flashed?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yeah, they went purple for a second and…oh my gosh.” She face palmed. “Gabriel?”

“Gabriel.” Aziraphale answered, his usual jovial demeanor replaced with bitterness and frustration. “Well that certainly explains that strange presence in your mind and what he made you see, made you think we said.”

“I mean, it _was_ true, wasn’t it?” She murmured.

“No.” Azirpahale said sternly. “Absolutely not. Whatever I said, whatever Crowley said, it isn’t true. You are not useless or worthless or an abomination or any of those horrible things. You are a unique, wonderful being. That isn’t something bad.”

Kaera sat up, turning to face the angel. “Listen, I appreciate the help but a simple pep talk isn’t going to fix years of self hatred-” She cut herself off, slamming her mouth shut, but the damage was done. Azirpahale stared at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. “I…I shouldn’t have said…”

“How long have you felt this way about yourself?” Aziraphale whispered.

“Since I was six years old.” Kaera admitted, dropping her eyes. “Old enough to become more aware that I was a freak.”

“Please don’t use that word to describe yourself.”

“Well what else am I supposed to say? I know I’m not normal, might as well rip off the bandaid.”

Azirpahale sighed, giving her a look of sympathy. “And you still feel that way?”

She nodded. The shame was unbearable but the damage was done. “For the most part I’ve learned to ignore it or suppress it, but every so often it rears its ugly head and I give in. And having Gabriel come bursting in and reaffirming a good chunk of every negative thought that I’ve had about myself did not help.” She looked back up at Aziraphale. “Having it come from you and Crowley was even worse.” She looked at the floor again. “I know how it feels to put your trust in someone only to have them double cross you, spit in your face and humiliate you.”

Azirpahale rubbed a gentle circle into her shoulder. “Do you wish to talk about it?” Damn it he was using that soft tone of voice and those bloody eyes of his. Crowley had been on the receiving end of them for millennia and he would sometimes use them to get her to open up a little (unless she really didn’t want to, in which case he would usually back off).

She sighed. It had happened years ago, she wanted to think she was over it, but who was she kidding. But it wasn’t as if she didn’t deserve it so she might as well tell it. “I was in middle school. This was back in the eighties so being gay was really taboo. I wasn’t out to anyone. I wasn’t even out to myself. But when I was about thirteen or fourteen, this new girl came to our school. Her name was Marian and she was gorgeous. Like drop dead stunning. Long golden hair and deep green eyes, the most beautiful smile..." realizing she was going off on a tangent, Kaera cleared her throat, gathered herself and continued. "And she wasn’t just pretty. She was smart and creative and popular and kind and…well she was perfect.” She could feel her cheeks going pink at the thought of her. “She and I both liked art. She came up to me during recess one day and saw me with my sketchbook and showed me some of her work as well. She would always use permanent marker once she’d done the initial sketch and they looked so professional and bold. She said I was a good artist and that she wanted to be my friend. I was…I was completely gone. Head over heels. And I thought maybe she was understanding enough to not be an asshole about me being gay. And well, I thought maybe if I asked her out, took a chance, I might be lucky enough to get a yes. So I asked her and she said she wasn’t gay. But she told me that she understood. That she didn’t see me as any different and that she would still be my friend. And she promised that she wouldn’t tell. Even though I was upset that she didn’t want to go out with me, I was just happy that I made a friend, you know someone who knows me for me and accepted me and didn’t think of me as weird or wrong or…a freak.” Kaera sighed. “I came to school the next day and everyone was staring at me, pointing and whispering. I was used to being an outcast at this point but I didn’t know what I did to set them off.”

“Oh dear.” Azirpahale said, already sensing where this story was going.

“Then I got to homeroom and…” she sighed again, “someone had written ‘Kaera is a dyke’ on the whiteboard. In permanent marker. It was the same in all the rooms where I had class. 'Kaera is a dyke' over and over again. Staring me down. And since it was permanent marker, the janitors couldn't clean it off. So I had to deal with that until I graduated. 'S probably still there.” Kaera tightened her hands into fists, the old wound resurfacing after years of neglecting it. “I trusted her and she…she told everyone. And she wasn’t even sorry. After that everyone treated me like even more of a freak.” She huffed, doing her best to gather herself before continuing. “So yeah, I know how it feels to be betrayed like that and I thought I’d just set myself up again. I know I already think poorly of myself but having my too closest friends think so little of me is somehow that much more biting.”

Aziraphale listened thoroughly and sighed heavily when she was done talking. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. That you had to go through something like that.”

“Yeah, well, it was a long time ago. I’m over it.”

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you.” Azirpahale said. He gave her shoulder another squeeze. “But it’s okay. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to move past something. It’s never good to dwell for too long but forcing yourself to ‘get over it’ is never a good option either.” Kaera bit her lip, forcing down the bitter feeling rising in her stomach. “But I don’t blame you for not trusting people. Not after that horrid experience, having put your trust in that truly awful girl. But I am glad that you trust us. Well, at least I hope you still do.”

“I think I do.” Kaera said. “I’m just not sure why. Or why you still bother with me either. Crowley said that I’ve brought you nothing but trouble and well he’s kinda right.”

“Dear, I don’t know how helpful this will be, but the horrible things you think about yourself, whatever Gabriel said or made you think we said, is a complete and utter lie. You are nothing like what he says you are. You have endured so much and shown extraordinary strength.” He put a hand on her shoulder in an almost fatherly way. “I for one am proud of you.”

Kaera shook her head. “Your pride is misplaced.” She muttered. “I’ve done nothing to be proud of.”

“Nothing?” Azirpahale said. “Nothing?! You’ve dealt with demons in your mind, you’ve felt immense fear and you’ve faced absolute nightmares and you’re still standing. You’ve found out what you truly are and are making wonderful progress with controlling your abilities all in less than a year. You escaped Hell itself! How is that nothing? And despite everything you went through, you aren’t bitter. You still walk forward and you still show kindness to those who deserve it.”

Kaera lowered her eyes and looked away. She didn't want to disappoint Aziraphale but he didn't deserve to be lied to either. She wasn’t kind. She was selfish and weak. And she certainly wasn’t brave. She was barely able to think about her fears without shaking or fainting.

Aziraphale put a gentle hand under her chin and lifted her head so she met his eyes. They were bright and full of kindness and pride. ”My darling, I feel afraid almost every day. I worry that something will happen to Crowley or to you when I’m not there to protect either of you. Does that make me weak?” Kaera silently shook her head. “And believe it or not, I think very similar things about myself as well. I have almost since the beginning. I’ve felt useless and undeserving of love and selfish and, well, every word in the book. Do you think that’s true?”

“No!” Kaera answered immediately. “You’re one of the kindest and bravest souls I’ve ever met.”

“So why shouldn’t it be true for me when it is for you? How is that fair?” Kaera was silent. Aziraphale took her hands, surrounding her fingers in warmth. “I mean it when I say that the horrible things that have either been said about you or by you are not true. Not in the slightest. And you would know if I was lying. I’m a very poor liar.”

Kaera let out a weak chuckle. “You really think that?” She asked, still doubtful.

Aziraphale smiled, giving her hands a small, comforting squeeze. “I know it to be true. And until you believe it for yourself, I will continue to believe and support you, as will Crowley.” The angel pulled her into a warm embrace. “We care about you, dear.”

“Thank you, Azirpahale.” Kaera murmured.

“You needn’t thank me for speaking the truth.” He said as he pulled away. “Now, care to join us for some supper? I think we need to discuss what we’re going to do about…well that can wait. You’ve already had a very stressful day.” She nodded wordlessly as the two walked downstairs.

Proud. He was proud of her. Nobody in her life had ever told her they were proud and even though she felt she didn’t deserve it, a strange happiness began to bubble up inside her. It was brief and was soon replaced with the weariness and frustration from earlier, but it was there nonetheless.

Hearing those almost alien words made her feel just a small bit of confidence. It was buried under layers of doubt and Gabriel’s words still stung, bringing the very thoughts and insecurities she’d had for years into the world, but her shattered confidence was not completely destroyed. There was still a small stone sitting on the foundation.

Even with the exhaustion and the frustration at this new threat, Kaera felt a new determination in herself. She wanted to believe what Aziraphale said about her. She didn’t believe it, but she wanted to. She wanted to more than anything. She wanted that one small stone on the foundation become a fortress. After all, Aziraphale believed in her, so she must be doing something good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So guess who was a klutz and fell into the river yesterday? That's right it was me. I went down to the dock to do some writing but it was too windy and my notebook pages wouldn't stay still so I decided to just put it away. I spot two guys swimming and start talking and as I turn to leave, my foot slips and I fall in. Bit of a whoopsie on my part. Don't worry I wasn't hurt and the water wasn't too cold. But it certainly was an eventful afternoon.  
> Anyhoo, I hope you liked this chapter. I won't lie, I've felt a lot of that self hatred myself, but I've learned over the years that the things I call myself aren't true. And if you think the same, it's not true for you either. You'll get there, love yourself. <3  
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Many many thanks to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all your help. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	54. Wait and See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of hallucinations

Aziraphale led Kaera downstairs where Crowley was waiting for them at the table.

“She emerges.” Crowley joked. Kaera gave him a weary look, wordlessly telling him that she was not in the mood. His grin faded and he took off his glasses, revealing his worried, golden serpentine eyes. Funny. Six months ago, this eyes absolutely terrified her. Now they were almost a welcome comfort. “What happened?”

Kaera plopped herself down into a chair with an exasperated sigh. “Gabriel.” She muttered.

Crowley’s concerned expression turned to one of fury. “Seriously? This is the third time he’s barged in-"

“He wasn’t physically here.” She said, looking pointedly at the demon. “He thought it would be funny to make me hallucinate you and Aziraphale being utter bastards to me.”

“So we just got Hastur out of your head and now we have Gabriel in there?” Kaera nodded. “Great. Just bloody wonderful.”

Kaera sighed again as Aziraphale set a plate of smoked cod in front of her, patting her shoulder and giving her a smile, which she returned weakly.

“Angel,” Crowley said as Azirpahale sat down at the head of the table, “can’t you sever the connection?”

“I’m not exactly sure.” Aziraphale answered. “When I looked into Kaera’s mind, I found a disturbance and when I tried to get a closer look, I felt a jolt of pain like a bee had stung my hand. I could try and sever the connection but I can’t fully guarantee that Kaera will come out of the encounter without injury, and I doubt that I’ll walk away unscathed either.”

“Well then that option is off the table.” Crowley said, dismissing the idea just as quickly as he thought of it.

“I thought angels couldn’t possess people.” Kaera said, looking towards Aziraphale.

“I never said they couldn’t I just said they didn’t.” Aziraphale corrected. “Remember, I possessed Madam Tracy and had little difficulty. Other angels may believe that possession is unbecoming of an Angel, uncivilized and crass. But that doesn’t mean that they are unable to do it.”

“Are you sure this is possession though?” Crowley thought allowed. “He wasn’t actually controlling her or taking root in her body. Just made her hallucinate.”

“Isn’t that what Hastur did when he possessed me? Y’know, the shower of blood, the roaches in my bed?” She did her best to sound nonchalant as she said it but the memory of that horrible week made her tremble, especially when she thought of what came after. Sweat dotted her forehead and her trembling worsened. Her fist gripped her fork, letting the touch of the cool metal against her skin ground her.

“Kaera?” Aziraphale asked.

She took a breath. “‘M alright.” She said shakily. “Just…just answer the question.”

Crowley gave her a look, but didn’t comment on it. “No, those weren’t hallucinations. That was still possession. He was in your mind making you see things, but from what you told us, it seemed he was manipulating your powers to quickly summon and banish things to make you think you were hallucinating. It’s standard possession, but with a bit of a twist.”

“So what is this then?” Kaera asked.

“Dunno.” Crowley said with a shrug, looking to Aziraphale. “Angel? Any ideas?”

Aziraphale sighed and shook his head. “Nothing.”

Kaera groaned. “So I’m stuck in the dark?” She asked.

“I wouldn’t say that just yet.” Aziraphale said. Despite the confusion and weariness, Kaera still cracked a small smile. Aziraphale, ever the optimist. Not for the first time, she found herself envying his ability to keep going even when it was hopeless. “I have several books that were written by and about angels. I’m certain at least one of them might have some bit of information that might help us.”

“So what do we do in the mean time?” Kaera asked.

“Well,” Aziraphale lowered his eyes, searching for the right words, “we wait. We research what we can and watch carefully in case there’s another hallucination and do our best to assist you out of it should that happen.”

“Wait and see?” Kaera simplified, raising her eyebrow.

“I know it’s not ideal, but it’s the only option as of right now.”

Kaera sighed, looking down at her plate, suddenly not very hungry.

“We’re still here for you.” Crowley said, offering whatever comfort he could. She appreciated that he was trying, but the only thing that would give her comfort was a concrete answer, or maybe a handwritten note from Gabriel promising her that he’d fuck off. But she wasn’t going to get either of those things. So she had to settle for what little comfort she could get.

Gradually, the conversation shifted away from Gabriel and onto something else, not that Kaera was really paying attention. She was honestly too worn out from the roller coaster her emotions had gone through that day and thinking of what Gabriel was planning. What would he make her see, or say, or do? The uncertainty of it all made her chest tighten like someone was squeezing a fist around her heart. How could she be sure that any of this was even real? What worried her even more was that there was seemingly no reason behind him manipulating her mind. Yes, she knew he was rather cross that she didn’t agree to his offer, but wouldn’t frightening her out of her wits be a little counterintuitive?

“Kaera, dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“Hmm? Oh sorry, what was that?” Kaera answered, snapping her out of her thoughts. Azirpahale was giving her a quizzical and concerned look.

“Something’s on your mind.” He said. It wasn’t a question

Kaera went back to poking at her cod with her fork. “’S nothing.” She muttered.

Azirpahale set down his utensils. “Kaera, don’t do that. You’re awfully quiet and have barely touched your food. Something is clearly bothering you and brushing it off isn’t healthy, nor is it helpful. So please tell us what’s wrong.”

She just wanted to keep herself from burdening Azirpahale and now she’d upset him. She really was good for nothing.

Aziraphale’s voice was much softer when he spoke a second time. “Please, love. We’re concerned for you. Let us help before it gets to be too much.”

Kaera sighed, her breath a little shaky. “Why is he doing this?” She said, a bit of a tremor in her voice. “What good comes from scaring me or making me think you’re being cruel to me? What is he hoping to gain from this?”

Aziraphale sighed, clearly he was hoping for a question he could answer. The guilty twinge returned to her chest, she hated that she upset him again.

“I’m sorry to say I don’t know. Gabriel is not exactly complex or subtle when it comes to his plans, but that doesn’t mean he’s predictable.”

Kaera sighed and looked across the table at Crowley, who had been nervously biting his lip all throughout the conversation. “Any ideas?”

“Just one.” Crowley said. “He wants to separate you from us. Mentally I mean. He wants you to stop trusting us.”

Azirpahale’s eyes widened. “Yes. Yes that would make sense. If you feel you have nowhere to turn, then the only choice you’d have is to turn towards Heaven. Have you separate from us mentally and then you’ll choose to separate from us physically.”

“Why even bother with all that?” Crowley asked. “He’s enough of a git that I wouldn’t be surprised if he just kidnapped her.”

Kaera felt her back go cold. Aziraphale gave the demon an annoyed look.

“Angels are meant to allow people to turn towards Heaven of their own accord, rather than forcing them to.”

“As if that’s any worse than what he’s doing now.” Kaera muttered, continuing to poke at her food.

“Well one thing you should know about Gabriel is that he very much values the image and reputation of Heaven and he values his position as an archangel. He doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty so long as no one actually sees the dirt on his hands.”

Kaera sighed again and began rubbing her temples.

“So let me see if I’ve got this right. He wants to make me afraid of you or angry at you and hopes that I’ll just leave you and decide to go to Heaven and be it’s ‘next great weapon’?”

Aziraphale thought for a moment. “So it would seem.”

“That’s a really stupid plan.”

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow, clearly not expecting and answer like that. “What makes you say that?”

“Yeah making me fear or mistrust you will mean I have nowhere to go but what’s stopping me from just staying on earth, finding a new place to live on my own? If he wants to push me towards accepting his offer, why not try something a little less open ended?”

The angel sighed. “Gabriel might not be complex, but he’s far from stupid. If there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s planning ahead.”

“‘Zira told me that he started making plans for Armageddon about a month after Eve ate the apple.” Crowley muttered, taking a sip of wine.

“And he can be very patient when he needs to be. He can wait for years so long as he fulfills his goal.”

“And his goal is me.” Kaera said, looking up from her untouched dinner to look at the two of them. The silence they offered was more telling and unsettling than any answer they could have given. She settled uneasily against the back of her chair, the nervous pit in her stomach opening up to the size of a black hole. She had just finished dealing with one side trying to use her as a pawn, now she had to deal with another? Would she ever find peace? She knit her eyebrows together angrily, biting her lip and hoping to keep the frustrated tears out of her eyes as she thought of everyone trying to use her.

“Kaera?” Aziraphale asked, reading the anger on her face. An unspoken question hung in the air.

“No.” She huffed. “No I’m not alright. I’m sick of this! Everybody is trying to force me to become something I’m not. They want me to be some sort of agent, or weapon, or whatever. They want me to bring victory to whichever side. That’s not who I am!” She stood up, running her fingers through her hair. “I don’t want glory. I don’t want power. I don’t want this destiny that everyone thinks is mine. I just want to figure out who I am. Discover me for myself. But who cares what I want? This is all just a race to see who can get the hybrid to their side first.” She sighed again as she sunk back into her chair, the hot rage in her chest steaming out to a tired frustration. “I just want to live my life. Is that too much to ask?”

Aziraphale reached out and touched her hand, offering what little comfort he could. “No, dear girl.” He said gently. “That’s not too much to ask for in the slightest.”

Kaera glanced at him wearily, unsure of what to say and utterly lost on what to do.

“Something I’ve learned in my 6,000 years of existence is that who you are and what you are are two very different things. You can’t control what you are, and more often than not, people tend to judge you harshly for what you are. You were born of two very different beings. You are something that has never existed before.” Kaera looked at her hands, not sure if Aziraphale was trying to tell her that he thought less of her for what she was. “Who you are is what you choose to be, what you invent for yourself.” She looked back up at him to see there was a twinge of sadness on his face. “I admit I have less experience with who I am versus what I am.”

“’S one of the few things I admit demons have the upper hand at. We rebelled, we asked questions, we rejected who we were supposed to be. We know where we stand when it comes to what we know, want, and understand.” Crowley looked out the window, his mind elsewhere as he spoke. “Sure we had really harsh expectations to uphold and there would be Heaven to pay if we stepped out of line, but we were given a marginal amount of freedom to invent who we were.”

Aziraphale looked at Crowley wistfully. From what Kaera understood about Heaven, they were strict. No, strict wasn’t the right word. Absolutely overbearing. It was unlikely that Aziraphale was able to express who he was without receiving a harsh reprimand. And Azirpahale was such a loving and gentle being, there was no doubt he wanted to object when Heaven wanted to inflict cruelty to anyone, but she could vividly imagine Gabriel or any other angel or archangel punishing him, just for being who he was.

And Crowley, as much as he insisted he wasn’t, was kind. He’d saved Aziraphale from discorporation or humiliation countless times, tried to save children from the flood, risked his own safety to watch over Kaera for the first twelve years of her life just to make sure she was safe. Sure he could be a bit of an ass sometimes, but she saw his softer side coming out more often than his demonic side. She wondered if his objection to anyone calling him nice was actually him not liking being referred to as good person or if it was because he was afraid what Hell would do to him if they learned he’d done something good. Just thinking about either situation made her heart ache horribly. She had to resist the urge to hug both of them for an hour straight.

“Nobody ever said learning who you are would be easy, it especially won’t be for you because most people will choose to focus on what you were born as. But you still are able to find out who you are.” He smiled warmly at her. “One of the wonders of life on earth. And something else I've found,” he looked at Crowley. "the people that matter most don't care what you are, as long as you're you."

She offered him a weak smile, but still could help but feel the smallest bit hopeless. Gabriel was powerful and, as Azirpahale said, he wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted…until he got her to break. And while she’d been told she was strong, she knew she was no match for an archangel and she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to hold against him.

The rest of the meal continued in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been...a bit of a roller coaster. Wednesday, as those of you who also saw the author's not on _Angel in Cinders_ know, was a bit of an emotional disaster for me, due to my sinking grade in psych class. I'm doing my best to combat this but it has left me with very little time to actually do what I want. I took a break from work tonight because I was originally going to play D&D but the DM had to cancel at the last minute and I thought eff it, I need a break. But anyway, today has been really good. My only class today was canceled so I had time to actually get some work done. And I commissioned a very talented artist to do a piece for a future chapter of _Shelter from the Storm_ and they finished it today and it is _gorgeous_. If you want to see they're work, look up [freedomattack_thereal](https://www.instagram.com/freedomattack_thereal/) on instagram.  
> I hope your days have been going well.  
> Poor Kaera, I put her through so much mental strain, it's a wonder she's still standing. Then again, she has her godfathers to help support her.  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you all for reading and have a lovely day.


	55. A Broken Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hallucinations, violence, blood, and panic attacks. Please take care of yourselves.

Once again, Kaera got home late from work, fairly worn out. One of her regulars was watching there brother’s Burmese Mountain dog and it was not very well trained. Ever time it saw a squirrel or another dog or sniffed a bit of food, it would take off running, the word “heel” falling on soft, floppy, deaf ears. Lucille had been kind enough to give her a lift home again. Even though Kaera didn’t need to eat, she felt rather famished and had a bit of a dizzy spell in the car, but luckily it had passed by the time Lucilles car pulled up in front of the cottage.

A delicious smell wafted into her nose as she stepped through the front door. Aziraphale was sitting on the couch, looking down at several piles of playing cards, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Funny, she thought he didn’t know how to play solitaire. Odd but nothing worth getting suspicious over. As she closed the door behind her, Azirpahale looked up from his game and gave her a grin.

“Lovely to see you, child.” He said softly. There was a tension to his voice but she didn’t ask if he was okay. It was pretty obvious something was bothering him but perhaps pointing it out would embarrass him, so she kept her comments to herself. “Dinner should be ready in a few moments.” He said.

She hung her coat and messenger bag on the coat rack. “I didn’t know you knew how to play solitaire.”

“There’s quite a bit you don’t know about me.” Ominous.

She sat down on the sofa next to the angel, looking carefully at the stacks of cards. She glanced at Aziraphale’s face a bit of a confused twist on his brow. “Put this one in your waste, pile,” she instructed pointing to a 2 of hearts in the tableau.

Aziraphale looked at her crossly. “I know what I’m doing!” He snapped, sending a nervous prickle up her back. The angry look remained for a few moments before going back to his usual kind smile. “Apologies, my dear. I don’t know what came over me.” He stood from the couch and straightened his bowtie. “Why don’t you pick these up while I get supper out of the oven?”

“Alright,” she said warily, beginning to pick up the cards. It wasn’t like Aziraphale to snap at her like that. Or anyone for that matter. This had to be a hallucination, but all he’d done was get a little indignant with her. Perhaps he’d simply had a touch day? He was oddly tense for someone who was usually so relaxed. No that didn’t make sense either. On the off chance Aziraphale did have a bad day, he’d usually talk to her or Crowley about nit or cope with a book, a blanket, and a mug of cocoa rather than playing a (rather frustrating) card game. It was definitely too out of character to be real, but too mild to be a major hallucination. All of it was just too confusing and left Kaera feeling as tense as Aziraphale looked.

“Kaera? Are you going to join us?” Aziraphale said. The table was already set and Crowley was getting a bottle of wine. That was fast. Or she was completely lost in thought.

She took a breath and put her pondering away in the back of her mind, but still keeping her caution and her wits with her in case something went wrong.

Aziraphale had prepared a lovely casserole but for some reason had only taken a very small amount for himself. _That_ really wasn’t right.

Aziraphale said a very long blessing while Crowley poured some wine for himself and then for Aziraphale, then for Kaera, without asking if she wanted any. She eyed the glass nervously.

“Just drink it, dear, there’s nothing wrong with it.” Azirpahale snapped. There it was again. It was his usual tone but covered by annoyance. And he would never insist that she drink anything that she didn’t want to. Now she was sure this was a hallucination, but with no way to get out, she had to continue to play along, possibly be prepared to run or fight should the need arise. She couldn’t let Gabriel get the upper hand because it could very easily turn deadly, very quick.

Tentatively, she lifted the glass to her lips, letting the wine just barely touch them before setting it down again. Gabriel could have done who knows what to that wine, this was his domain after all. Nothing on that table would be going past her lips until she knew it was safe.

The entire room was silent all throughout the meal. Nobody ate anything, not even Aziraphale, though he did glance at Kaera and her full bowl several times. The wind outside nipped at the windows and the old wood across the panes, sill, and frame, sending brief creaks and clicks all throughout the house. The sound would have made her jump, but her mind had taken over, silencing all her fearful instincts. If they noticed her flinching, Gabriel would recognize that she knew. So her body stayed still. On the outside, she looked relatively calm, but inside her heart was pounding and her and was racing, adrenaline coursing through her body. Another wind nipped at the windows.

_Click. Click. Click._

Crowley took a sip of wine, watching her through his dark sunglasses.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

She swallowed, lifting the glass of wine to her lips again, pretending to take another sip. The bottom of the glass knocked against the bowl as she set it down.

 _Clang_.

For all her discipline, she couldn’t stop a quick, nervous breath escaping her mouth.

Slowly, Aziraphale reached for the bottle of wine, though his glass was still full. A bead of sweat raced down Kaera’s face as he grabbed the bottle by the neck. He whipped his head around, fury in his eyes. Kaera barely had time to choke out a quick yelp before diving to the floor as Azirpahale swung the bottle, smashing it over her chair and missing her by a fraction of a second. Green glass and reds wine went everywhere, sprinkling into her hair and staining her shirt and paints.

“You little-”

Kaera jumped from the floor and bolted from the dining room unto the den, Azirpahale…no the hallucination of Aziraphale, following close behind. He swung the bottle again, missing her by mere inches. She could her a sharp _shnrk!_ as the broken glass nicked some of her hairs. Her breathing rapidly picked up as her adrenaline skyrocketed. She dashed down the hallway into the den and over to the front door, gripping the knob. This might not be real but that didn’t mean that she was willing to face down an angry angel with a broken bottle. If she got outside, maybe she could hide long enough for the hallucination to subside.

_Click. Click._

The knob twisted only halfway, the door refused to open. She tugged and tugged but it stayed put. The lock on the door had disappeared. She couldn’t unlock it!

“Get back here!” The false Aziraphale roared.

Within seconds he had reached her and raised the bottle. Before he could hit her, she dropped to the floor, tumbling to one side and then breaking out into a run again.

‘ _Back door. Try the back door. Or maybe break one of the windows in the kitch-_ ’

“Yeep!” Her feet fell out from underneath her, sending her crashing to the floor. Before she could get up, a rough pair of hands grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet.

“Let go of me!” She screamed, thrashing wildly. Crowley grunted as she squirmed, doing his best to keep a hold on her.

“Keep her still, please.” Aziraphale said calmly, approaching the two.

Crowley wrapped one arm around her stomach, squeezing all the air out of her and lifting her from the floor, her feet dangling an inch above. Before she could scream, his other hand settled on her neck, his thumb propping itself under her chin, forcing her to look up at Aziraphale, walking towards her with the bottle still in his grip.

“You always have to make things so difficult, don’t you?” Aziraphale asked, as if he were scolding a child. Crowley dug the heel of his hand into her throat, forcing a choked, gasping noise from her.

This was just a hallucination, this wasn’t real, right? Maybe she wouldn’t feel the pain?   
As if he could read what she was thinking, Crowley dug his nails into the side of her neck, sending tiny sharp pains across her skin. No, the pain she felt here was real. Would it still affect her in reality? If this was the case, a blow from a glass bottle could kill her!

Azirpahale raised the bottle.

Wake up! Wake up! _Wake up!_

“No!” She screamed, squeezing her eyes shut, waiting for the pain.

_Smack!_

Her cheek? Why did her cheek hurt?

“Kaera? Kaera, please try to focus!” Azirpahale’s gently but still frantic voice sounded in her ears. There were no longer hands gripping her stomach and neck, but there were hands on her shoulders an a hard floor under her. The adrenaline coursing through her was causing her to shiver and her thoughts flew every which way.

“Kaera! Please open your eyes.”

A few more sounds reached her ears. The creak of the wood beneath her knees, the wind outside, the rustling of Crowley’s plants. Her own nervous breaths.

Slowly, she opened her eyes, her sight blurry. The first thing that came into focus were two sets of worried eyes, one gold, one bright blue. The hands on her shoulders loosened a little but still stayed where they were. She was shivering and swaying so much that if they weren’t there to steady her, she most likely would have fallen over.

Little by little, the rest of the room came into focus. Crowley and Azirpahale’s faces, the couch, the cream colored walls, with paintings hanging on them, all the familiar features.

There was a pain in her head and neck, her cheek stung and she suddenly felt very tired.

Crowley was kneeling directly in front of her, with Azirpahale at his side. Kaera let out a heavy, shaking breath, setting her hand on her shoulder, on top of Crowley’s and taking in the feel of his cold skin, letting it bring the rest of her mind back to reality. A few more breaths came from her in her attempts to steady herself, looking between the two of them. Finally she spoke.

“Tell…t-tell me something Gabriel wouldn’t know.” She said cautiously.

Crowley looked at Aziraphale and then back at her.

“The last thing Azazel said to me was ‘Keep our secret safe, Crowley.’” The demon muttered, obviously not thrilled to bring up that memory again. Beneath the weariness and nerves, she felt guilty for causing him to bring up something so painful.

She glanced toward Aziraphale.

“When we were on a walk, about a week after you began staying with us, I confided in you that while I doubted my fellow angels many times, I never doubted the Almighty.”

Kaera let out a heavy breath, letting the tension in her body ease. Not all of it, but just enough for her to not be as stiff as a violin string.

“What happened?” Crowley asked.

“Give me a moment. Let me catch my breath.” She breathed, her legs crackling as she stood.

“Dear, what’s happened to your neck?” Aziraphale gasped.

Kaera ran her fingers along her through, stopping just under her jawline about two inches from her ear. The skin was broken and she could feel a wetness on her skin as well as five crescent marks.

“If I’m hurt in the hallucination, the injury carries to real life.” She muttered, running her fingers over the marks again. She looked back at Aziraphale who was expecting an answer. “While I was still in the hallucination, Crowley had his hand on my neck and he dug his nails into my skin.” A fearful and pained expression came over Crowley’s face, though he did his best to hide it.

Aziraphale gently tilted Kaera’s head so he could see the marks better.

“He broke the skin, you’re bleeding!” He turned and started towards the stairs. “I’ll need to tend to those.”

“Really, you don’t have to.” She called after him.

“Hallucination or no, Crowley’s fingernails tend to get rather filthy and I won’t have getting an infection.”

“Hey!” Crowley snapped, bringing a weak chuckle from Kaera as she sat herself down on the couch.

“What happened out here?” She asked as Crowley sat down next to her. “What did I do while I was hallucinating?”

“You came home mumbling and looking like you were in a daze. We tried to get you to come sit down at the table, you just looked at Aziraphale in an absolute panic, fell to your knees and screamed.” He looked remorseful. “I had to slap you to get you out of it.” He bit his lip. “Sorry, by the way. It was the only thing I could think of.”

“’S alright.” She said tiredly. “How long did it last”

“About two or three minutes.”

“It seemed about fifteen on my end.”

Crowley looked at her, his eyebrows raised and his expression halfway between worry and confusion. “What did you see? What happened in there?”

Aziraphale came back downstairs, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a rag, and a box of bandages in his hands. Of course this injury was too small to use a miracle but that wouldn’t stop Azirpahale from raising a fuss.

“When I was still in the car with Lucille, I felt dizzy. At first I wrote it off but as soon as I walked through the door, something felt off.”

Aziraphale sat next to her. “Tilt your head if you please.” He asked as he poured some of the alcohol onto the rag. She obliged, tilting her head away from him and bulling her hair back to expose her neck.

“Aziraphale was playing solitaire and he seemed oddly on edge. When I tried to point out a mistake he’d made, he snapped at me that he knew what he was doing. He tried to write it off but… _Kssh_!” She sucked in a breath as Aziraphale touched the rag to the marks, sending stings all over her skin.

“Terribly sorry.” Aziraphale said.

“’S alright.” She said, gritting her teeth a little. “Long story short, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that I was hallucinating, and it took even less time to set Aziraphale off and try to hit me over the head with a wine bottle.”

“Oh goodness!” Aziraphale gasped, his hands fumbling as he pulled a bandage from the box.

“And you say I gave you those marks?” Crowley asked.

“Yep. Aziraphale told you to keep me still and, well, you did.”

“So I scratch you in a hallucination and it shows up on your skin in real life?” Crowley asked.

“So it would seem.” Kaera answered as Aziraphale stuck the bandage over the marks.

“Well we’re lucky we got you out in time. Being hit over the head with a bottle could prove deadly.” Azirpahale said.

“Angel this is way more dangerous than we could have thought.”

“We’re lucky that his goal isn’t to kill me.” Kaera said, shivering at the thought, the fear beginning to expand and suffocate her. “If he wanted to, he would have done it already.”

“So why-”

“He didn’t want Aziraphale to kill me, just to catch me.” She pondered. “His movements were much slower when Crowley grabbed me, almost ceremonial.”

“And the scratches?” Aziraphale asked.

“Not sure.” Kaera answered.

“It’s a warning.” Crowley fumed, he looked angry enough to rip a phone book in half. “He’s letting you know that he’s capable of hurting you, even when you’re not in reality.”

“Just another way to get me to comply.” Kaera murmured, completely numb.

The fear had hit bedrock. She had surpassed such an intense level of fear that she felt eerily calm. She had blown a fuse, gone too deep and now felt nothing. The world began to blur around her and her heart began to beat very fast. There was a numb squeeze in her chest and she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe!

An arm settled around her shoulder and she looked up to see Crowley embracing her. Not a full on hug, but the gesture was meant to give the same message as one. I’m here for you. And it worked, only a little, but it was something. A little bit of the fear ebbed away. It would come back, but in that moment, a little bit was gone. What was even stranger, she found herself leaning into the embrace, even going so far as to let herself rest her head on his shoulder. She even let herself feel a tiny bit safe with the feeling of Crowley’s arm behind her and his hand on her shoulder. It was foolish for her to let her guard down for something so simple, but she was too weary to care.

“What has your research told you, Angel?” Crowley asked.

Azirpahale had been out in the kitchen while Kaera was coming back up from her emotional bedrock and when he came back out, he was holding a glass of water. “It’s only been a day.” The angel said as he handed the glass to Kaera. “I’ve read as much as I could, butso far, the only conclusions I’ve come to is that this is a kind of angelic influence, but the only instances recorded of anything similar is giving visions to blessed humans, such as Saint Francis or Saint Catherine, but never anything like this.

Kaera took a sip of her water, not realizing how thirsty she’d been. “So we keep waiting and seeing.” She murmured, her voice betraying her exhaustion.

Azirpahale gave her a sad smile and sat down next to her. “We’ll figure this out, dear.” He said gently.

Kaera sighed. She wanted with everything in her being to believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Sorry I wasn't able to upload on Friday. Some members of the cast and myself had a viewing party of the play and afterwards we all just kinda hung out. We went to the woods and just talked and joked around, then we went back to my townhouse and played MarioKart and I read a future chapter of _Godfathers_ to a friend of mine, when shit _reeaally_ hits the fan and he said it was amazing and really well written. It was a great night but I didn't get to bed until three so yeah I was tired.  
> So I hope you all enjoyed that chapter, if you did, kudos and comments are very much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	56. Under a Gas Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: PTSD, Panic attacks, hallucinations, strangulation, and mentions of death

Kaera suffered several more hallucinations after those first two and had nightmares every night. Each one was more vivid and horrible than the last. Sometimes they were even layered one on top of the other. One night she woke from a nightmare about Crowleytying her up and gagging her, driving her out to the middle of nowhere, and leaving her. When she woke, she found Aziraphale standing by her bedside looking down at her. Before she could say anything, he took hold of one of her pillows and pressed it into her face, suffocating her. It lasted only a minute but it was horrible and agonizing the entire time. She didn’t sleep for the rest of the night and when morning came, she tried to tell Aziraphale only to be met with a slap and a harsh, “Don’t bother me with your silly problems.” She blinked heavily and found herself sitting on the kitchen floor with Aziraphale kneeling in front of her asking her what had happened. She could only think it was a trick or a test. If she disclosed what had happened, Gabriel would make her pay again.

“Nothing.” She said with a somewhat convincing smile. “I’m just tired.”

It wasn’t technically a lie. She _was_ exhausted, but she still wouldn't tell him even if she were perfectly well rested. She knew practically anything could set Crowley or Aziraphale off in her hallucinations, there was no way she was going to risk anything by disclosing what had happened…and there was no way for her to tell that this was reality.

The morning was spent in her bedroom, her ears tuned for any kind of suspicious sound. Around noon, Aziraphale called her down for lunch. She had wanted to refuse but she didn’t want to risk setting him off so she silently made her way downstairs, careful to avoid the sweet spot and not make the stair squeak. She was silent during lunch, making deliberate and perfectly careful and smooth movements, putting extra effort to keep from making any noise or mistake.

“Would you kindly pass the salt, Crowely?” Aziraphale asked.

Kaera risked raising her eyes just in time to see Crowley launch the salt shaker at her. Her entire body went stiff and she squeezed her eyes shut, preparing herself for the pain, which came quickly after, a dull ache spreading through her forehead. When she opened her eyes again, Aziraphale was happily salting his potatoes. So enduring and ignoring the hallucinations was the way to move forward? Interesting.

“Where’d that bump come from?” Crowley asked, looking at Kaera’s head.

Fearful prickles broke out over her body as she looked between the two of them. Shit, they were expecting an answer. What sounded the least suspicious? What wouldn’t make them angry?

“I slipped while I was showering last night.” She said casually.

“Is it painful? I could heal it for you.” Aziraphale offered.

Kaera swallowed. “It is a little annoying, but nothing worth expending a miracle.” Her voice was noticeably less casual this time.

Aziraphale eyed her suspiciously, sending an invisible but still very nervous jolt through her. “Is there something you wish to discuss, my dear?"

‘ _Keep calm. Be casual_.’

“Not right now.” She said, keeping her voice still. Aziraphale sighed and the subject was dropped. That was too close. She had only avoided trouble by a very thin margin, she couldn’t make any mistakes. Locking herself in her room would raise too much suspicion, so she stayed in the den, reading a book…of course if by “reading” you meant only pretending to actually take in any actual words so you could listen to what was going on around you. Each turn of a page was done with the utmost care and every sound was treated as a possible threat. Any drop of water that dripped down the leaves of the plants, any scratch from Aziraphale’s pen, any tap from Crowley’s mobile got her absolute and meticulous attention, listening for any sign that this was a hallucination.

After a while, the sky grew dark outside, sending a slight winter chill through the house. Aziraphale rose from his chair and walked over to the fireplace, striking a match and setting the logs alight. The sight of the flames made Kaera begin to sweat profusely.

_Have to escape. Have to keep moving forward. The smell. Dear God the smell! Burning flesh. It burns. It hurts! Someone help me! Why won't someone help me?!_

Her heart rate began to quicken as she did her best to fight off the panic that was quick to follow. She couldn’t risk panicking, she needed to stay sharp. Her breath was escaping her in quick, exasperated huffs. Crowley looked up, adjusting his sunglasses, a bit of a frown on his lips.

“Angel, I don’t think lighting the fire was good for Kaera.”

Aziraphale looked at Kaera as well.

‘ _No_.’ She thought. ‘ _Please don’t look at me. Look anywhere else, but don’t look at me._ ’

Crowley rose from his chair.

‘ _I’m sorry! I’ll stop!_ ’

To her relief, he walked over to the fireplace. Thank goodness. He was just going to put it out. He wasn’t going to hurt her. Half of her felt guilty for her poor mental health forcing them to hold off on lighting the fire, but the other half of her was too busy trying to calm her rapidly beating heart.

Crowley lifted his hand and stuck it into the fireplace.

Wait, what? What was he doing?

When he pulled his hand back out, a tongue of flame was sitting in his palm.

No. No!

He began to walk towards her, a wicked smirk on his face. Her heart rate began to pick up again, quickening to breakneck speed.

‘ _Just keep calm and ignore it_.’

A hand gripped a fistful of her hair as Crowley held the tongue close to her face.

Kaera squeezed her eyes shut as heat broke over her cheeks.

‘ _Just ignore it. It’ll be over soon. Just hold out_.’

The heat became more and more intense when all the sudden, the air around her cooled and her hair fell loosely back behind her shoulders. She opened her eyes. Aziraphale was still writing and Crowley was still tapping away on his mobile. There was no fire in the fireplace. Her cheek stung like she had a sunburn and just moving her mouth in any way made an intense sting bloom all across her face. They’d be curious about that.

“I think I’ll go to be early.” She announced. Aziraphale closed his notebook.

“Everything alright?”

“Yes.” She insisted. “Just feeling a little under the weather.” Before Aziraphale could say anything more, she turned on her heel and casually, but quickly, walked up to her room.

She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for several hours, trying to come up with a plan. The burn on her cheek and the bump on her head faded quickly, but her mind still continued to reel. Ignoring the hallucinations was not ideal, but it seemed to be the only thing that worked. Maybe if she held out long enough, Gabriel would give up.

Aziraphale’s words echoed in her mind.

“ _He can be very patient when he needs to be. He can wait for years so long as he fulfills his goal_.”

Great. Well there was no other alternative, so waiting it out was what she would do until she could think of something better.

A knock on her door broke her from her thoughts.

“Come in.” She said.

Aziraphale poked his head into her room. She sat up and took a breath, steadying her thoughts as the angel walked in and sat down on her bed.

“I just wanted to see how you were feeling.” He explained.

“Mentally or physically?” She said. It had slipped out before she could stop it.

Aziraphale looked concerned. “Either.”

Kaera shrugged. “Alright, I guess.”

“Dear,” Aziraphale said, setting a warm, gentle hand on her cheek, “please. I’m so terribly worried about your health.” She surreptitiously pinched herself, waiting for the hallucination to disappear, but Aziraphale stayed put. Finally, she let herself relax a little.

“I’m not gonna lie, I thought I was done with all this questioning what’s real and what’s not real. I…I’m scared.” When the word escaped her mouth, she began to shiver. Admitting her fear was something she had never been good at. She hated how vulnerable it made her feel.

Her shivering prompted Aziraphale to set his other hand on her shoulder,

“Gabriel’s powerful,” Kaera went on, “and I feel like at any minute I’ll see something I can’t ignore and either I’ll get hurt or I might hurt you and Crowley and I…” She heaved out a nervous, shaking breath.

“Come here.” Aziraphale opened his arms and she fell into his embrace.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” She admitted, still shivering.

“It’s alright.” Aziraphale soothed, running his hand up and down her back. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

The next breath that emerged from her was much calmer and steadier. She returned the tight embrace, hugging the angel back.

“Thank you.” She whispered. “I don’t know if I’d be able to get through this without you and Crowley.”

“My dear, we will always be by your side.” He tightened his embrace around her, making her feel safe, albeit a bit crushed.

“Aziraphale, that’s a little tight.”

His arms didn’t loosen. One hand went to the nape of her neck and pressed down hard, his shoulder digging into her throat.

“A-Aziraphale?”

His other hand moved between them up to her neck, squeezing hard. Several choked, gasping noises burst from her throat, her body writhing, struggling to get away.

“Sshh.” Aziraphale whispered. “Everything’s alright.”

Her legs kicked against his body, but he wouldn’t be moved.

This was just another hallucination. She just had to ignore it, stay still and stay calm. She squeezed her eyes shut, doing her best to ignore the hands around her throat and the lack of air.

‘ _Just ignore it, it’ll go away soon. Just a little longer. Just endure a little longer. Just…_ ’

She gagged and choked, coughing out a strangled cry. Her eyes bulged, bursting open as black splotches danced around her vision. Through them, she could still see Aziraphale’s gentle smile. Why hadn’t it ended yet? How much longer would she have to endure it?

No no _NO_! This was taking too long she was going to die if she let it go on much longer!

In the struggle, she had ended up on her back, Aziraphale still sitting by her side, leaning over her, her nails scratching desperately at his hands.

Her brain began to buzz and ache from the lack of oxygen but through the pain, choking, and the sickening tightness, her mind was able to produce one thought.

‘ _Please…please…_ ’

Kaera closed her eyes again, waiting for the end to come, but Aziraphale’s hands fell away from her neck. When she opened her eyes again, he was standing by her door, straightening his waistcoat.

“Good night, dear. He said cheerfully, closing the door behind him. Kaera was too busy gasping in greedy breaths and trying to calm her heart rate to question what had happened but as her lungs began to refill, her mind wandered again.

Was that a hallucination? It must have been, Aziraphale wouldn’t hurt anyone, especially using such a cruelly slow method like asphyxiation. But if it was a hallucination, why didn’t it go away when she ignored it? She thought she had the pattern figured out but this contradicted everything.

Now her life _really_ was in danger. She couldn’t tell Crowley or Aziraphale, they could be one of Gabriel’s tricks just waiting to attack. Ignoring them looked like it wasn’t going to work and tonight was too close a call. She was lucky that it only lasted a little over two minutes and that her corporation was especially robust, any longer could have resulted in permanent damage.

It was true Gabriel didn’t want to kill her, just to tip her hand. But who was to say that one day his patience ran out and he let one of her hallucinations finish the job and go all the way?

She couldn’t risk that happening. He wouldn’t get the upper hand, he wouldn’t! The next time she had a hallucination, she wouldn’t run and she wouldn’t ignore it. She would fight and she wouldn’t hold back.

She looked up at the full moon. Sleeping would just make her vulnerable to more nightmares and hallucinations. Gabriel wouldn’t get that chance. She’d stay up until she was sure he was done messing with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Happy Halloween! I hope you guys all have something fun (and safe) planned. Last night me and some friends, including my amazing beta [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) and we all just hung out, had pizza and brownies (though there was a bit of a hassle when it came to getting the pizza...the first time they tried to call us and let us know they were there didn't go through so we had to order again) but otherwise it was a really fun night. Later tonight I'm going to see _Rocky Horror_ for the first time and I'm gonna wear my Aziraphale costume. I'm super excited.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are always very much appreciated if you did. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely, spooky, and safe day. Happy Halloween!


	57. Marked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Panic attacks and flashbacks, attempted harm towards others, and substance abuse (the substance in this case is caffeine but I still wanted to give a warning just to be safe, beside caffeine is addictive enough to be a drug)

Kaera kept watch all night, waiting for some kind of hallucination or trick. She had never felt so physically tired in her life; her head felt like it was full of rocks and her eyes were annoyingly dry but she didn’t give less of a shit. Gabriel thought she would give in? Well he was wrong. He wouldn’t get her. She’d stay vigilant. Patient. She just had to be patient.

A mug of black tea appeared in her hands (she made sure it was more caffeinated than a standard cup), which she drank quickly, setting it on the bedside table as she began pacing.

The house was still and silent, but every so often, a tree would scrape against the window or Aziraphale would let out a snore or a sleep filled sigh from down the hall and all her senses would enhance, flying into overdrive. The hairs on the back of her neck and arms stood straight as pins, her eyes shifted around her.

‘ _This is it_ ,’ she would think, ‘ _he’s come again._ ’

But the moment would pass, the sound would die and the house would be silent once again.

This didn’t deter her, not one bit.

Another mug of tea came and went, her heart rate began to pick up significantly.

If that was a false alar, then the real trick would be coming any minute now. She expected it. Hell, a small bit of her almost hoped it. She wanted Gabriel to try something with her so he could see that she was ready, that she wasn’t afraid.

Another cup of tea.

What was that?

She looked over her shoulder towards the corner of her room before returning to her pacing. If someone had looked at her, they likely would have thought she was deep in thought or simply just fidgety. No. She was waiting. She was stalking.

Another mug of tea was drunk, and then another. The empty cups joining the slowly growing collection on the bedside table. As soon as she began to feel the effects of the precious cup wear off, she would miracle another into existence, draining it quickly. The caffeine was beginning to make her pulse feel more like a buzz and her hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

Treasonous, useless corporation.

She’d been awake for two hours into the night and her body was practically vibrating, her pulse flying at breakneck speed. The sensation of her heartbeat pulsing through her entire body was concerning, but what was worse, it was a distraction.

She couldn’t afford any overstep or miscalculation. If she let her guard down for even half a second, Gabriel would take advantage, targeting her when she was distracted. She couldn’t afford to be that sloppy.

Had it really been two hours? No, it had been four hours. It was four wasn’t it?

Her phone was suddenly in her hand. 3:00 am. So it had been four hours. No, wait did she have that last hallucination at 11:00 or 12:00?

11:00. Yes it was 11:00. But it wasn’t until after she went to bed early? Yes, she got changed, got in bed, thought for a little, then Aziraphale came in to check on her. So it was 11:00. She went to bed at 11:00. Or did she go to bed at 7:00? Or did she just say she would go to bed early and early was just 11:00? So it had been four hours? No, five. She’d been awake for-

No! She was getting distracted again! It wouldn’t surprise her if Gabriel had already taken control, she was distracted for a good ten minutes. But it felt more like five so was it really-

She was doing it again. If she wanted to fight it off, she needed to stay at attention.

Pacing, constant pacing, watching for any irregular movement and listening intently for any sound, any clue that someone was trying to cause her harm. She needed to stay quiet, if she made any kind of sound, Gabriel would be tipped off that she knew.

She tiptoed slowly around the room, making her footfalls as light as possible, which was difficult to do when her body was so hopped up and energized.

Quiet. Must be quiet.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been pacing when the sun began to rise. All she knew was that she had been pacing for a long ass time and there was a small collection of about ten teacups on her bedside table. Christ, no wonder she was so hyper and fidgety. Her leg was bouncing so much she thought her joint was going to dislocate.

It was dawn and still there was nothing but very suspicious silence, she continued to pace, having a difficult time ignoring the slight ringing in her ears and the heavy fuzzy feeling prickling all over her head.

Wait. What was that?

The door down the hall opened and footsteps began to sound, coming closer to her door. Someone was coming. They were coming to get her. This was finally the time.

She dove into her bed. It was best to wait for whoever it was to come to her, make it think it had trapped her and catch it by surprise.

Sure enough, a knock sounded from her door. Just as she suspected.

“Kaera?” Aziraphale’s voice sounded from the other side of the door. Gabriel had put in the effort of making Aziraphale’s voice sound sincere and gentle. How charming. Charming but futile. She knew what was coming, what to expect.

A creak distracted her. Her back was facing the door so she didn’t see Aziraphale’s face, but she still heard him speak.

“Kaera dear?” This was it. It would start any minute. “She must still be asleep. Poor dear. Well, at least she’s getting some rest.” The door closed, leaving her alone again, the footsteps traveling back down the hall.

Damn. So she wasn’t as accurate as she thought. She needed to keep listening.

Stand up. Keep pacing. Keep alert.

Her entire body was humming as she sat up and for a moment it seemed she was no longer in control of it. It almost seemed like she was stuck to the pillow and no amount of pushing against the mattress could lift her. Finally, with a might tug in her neck, she was able to get herself back under control and get herself to sit up.

When was it going to come? Gabriel usually sent one ever hour and a half or so, why was the night so quiet? What was he planning for this morning?

It was still morning wasn’t it? It must be. Yes it’s only 10:00. Wait, 10:00? Wasn’t it only 8:00 just five minutes ago?

Kaera blinked her eyes, though it took a lot of control to get them to obey, and when she glanced at the clock, it read noon. How was time moving so fast?

Wait a moment. Noon? Aziraphale would be wondering why she hadn’t come down for lunch yet. Couldn’t look suspicious. Couldn’t make Gabriel wonder.

By some miracle, she was able to get herself dressed and walked through the door of her bedroom and down the hall without too much incident. Her corporation was still vibrating with energy and it felt like someone had replaced her heart with a humming bird, it was thumping so fast. Getting down the stairs proved to be a problem. Her legs just wouldn’t stop shaking and her foot slipped on the first step, causing her to slip and land promptly on her ass.

Get up! Get up! Get up!

Nobody had seen. Thank goodness.

Be careful! Don’t tip anyone off.

She did her best to make her steps slow and deliberate but with the caffeine coursing through her body, they were much more sporadic than she would have wanted, but she still made it down to the ground floor. Crowley glanced at her while she was on her way to the kitchen. A puzzled and concerned look came onto his face before he went back to spritzing his plants. He tried to be subtle, but he had failed.

Aziraphale was standing at the counter. He seemed to have just finished his lunch as he was spreading some strawberry jam on a biscuit, one of his preferred simple desserts. She watched him carefully and eventually the angel must have sensed she was standing behind him, turning around to face her.

“Good afternoon, Kaera.” He greeted warmly with a smile. What kind of smile was that? Was there anything hidden under that smile? There had to be something. But she couldn’t see anything. He was hiding something, wasn’t he? “I’m glad you came down.”

“Afternoon.” She said as casually as she could manage.

Her stupid hands kept threatening to betray her, jittering wildly. She had to stiffen them and fold them together to keep them from giving her away.

“I’ve already eaten lunch, but I’m more than happy to whip up something for you as well. In the mood for anything specific?”

It was a ploy. He wanted to get her to come closer, so it would be easier to try and hurt her. She could see right through him. She knew just what to expect.

Slowly, she made her way over to the sink, still keeping a wide berth from Aziraphale as she pulled a glass from the cupboard.

“Not really hungry, right now.” She muttered.

Aziraphale set the butter knife down and screwed the lid back on the jam jar.

“Not hungry?” He said in surprise. Gabriel was a better actor than Kaera gave him credit for. “You didn’t eat breakfast, nor did you eat dinner last night, how can you be not hungry?” His voice was firm but the foundation was worry, not aggression. Odd.

“I don’t need to eat.” She pointed out, turning on the tap and filling her glass. One of her legs began bouncing while the other weakened, threatening to fall out from under her. Tensing her muscles wouldn’t work, she didn’t have enough control over her body to do that anyway, so the best she could do was lean over the sink and grip the counter with one hand and propping herself up on the opposite elbow. With any luck, Aziraphale would just think she was gazing out the window.

“That may be but your corporation has gotten used to food so going without it for a long time would be unwise. Besides, you’ve been under quite a bit of stress lately and…” he continued to speak but his voice flattened out to a dull hum as it reached Kaera’s ears. The ringing noise in the back of her head grew much louder, making it hard to concentrate. She could still tell Aziraphale was talking but hid words melded together. Her head was growing heavy and the shot of energy that was coursing through her body was beginning to fade.

When was the last time she’d had any tea? It had to have been over seven hours. Shit! No! She was going to crash! Her head grew heavier and her eyes threatened to close. No. No! Bad. Stay up. Stay alert.

Wait. Hush. What was that?

A shuffling sounded from behind her, footsteps slowly making their way towards the kitchen. It wasn’t just a ploy, it was a trap. Aziraphale was the distraction and she’d taken the bait. She’d raised her guard against Aziraphale and made herself vulnerable to Crowley.

Before she could give either of them a moment to act, she grabbed the butter knife and slammed her arm against Azirpahale’s chest, pressing the knife to his throat. In her adrenaline induced frenzy and fear, a burst of power surged through her. Instead of a butter knife, she now held a long, sharp butcher’s blade.

Aziraphale held up his hands, his face pale and his eyes wide and bulging with fear.

“What are you planning?!” Kaera roared.

“Planning? Kaera I’m not planning anything!” Aziraphale gasped.

“Don’t play dumb, Gabriel. You’ve been waiting all day to get me and-“

A dull thud sounded from behind her and she dared a glance back. Crowley stood in the doorway, the empty plant mister dropped at his feet and his face just as pale and terrified as Aziraphale’s.

Kaera turned back to the angel and looked him square in the face, searching him for a sign. Something, anything at all that would betray him as being a hallucination. But she found nothing. This was real.

With a shaky breath, she backed away, looking between the two men as a very heavy silence filled the room, sending an unnerving tightness up Kaera’s back.

“Never mind.” She said quietly, depositing the knife into the sink. “False alarm.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Crowley said. Kaera went for the sink, in case she needed the knife again. “This isn’t something you can just ‘never mind’ away. You just pulled a bloody knife on Aziraphale!”

“I said never. Mind.” Kaera answered back, gritting her teeth.

“Sorry, kid, but ‘never mind’ just isn’t going to cut it.” Crowley said. “We are talking about this and we’re talking about it right now.”

Kaera sighed. She really didn’t want to talk about any of this, but no longer had the energy to argue.

Aziraphale set a hand on her back and guided her out to the den, settling her on the couch. Her leg kept shaking and bouncing rapidly in place, as it often did when she was nervous, but this time it was also aided by the caffeine in her system, though that was rapidly draining away as well, and her pounding heart and she needed to let out some of that pent up energy. There had been a real burst of adrenaline when she thought she was under attack and if she didn’t let some of it out, it was all going to boil over, so she had to quell it by excessive fidgeting.

Aziraphale sat down next to her, reaching out to settle a hand on her shoulder before hesitating. If she wanted to be mature about it, pretend she had a shred of dignity left in her, she would have refused. But she was too tired, too weary, to paranoid to put up a front anymore. She glanced at Aziraphale with a look that said, “Go for it. I don’t care anymore.” He gave her a tiny smile back and settled his arm around her shoulder and once again, she learned into the warmth and let herself be comforted, though it didn’t come as easily this time. As much as she wanted to fend off Gabriel and show him she wasn’t afraid, what she wanted even more was to be certain that she was safe. Though Crowley and Aziraphale were both very kind and did their best to make her feel more at ease, they could do very little to assure her safety.

Crowley plopped himself down into an armchair, his eyes focussed and his face stern.

“We need another plan. This whole ‘wait and see’ thing isn’t working.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Kaera snapped before she could stop herself. Aziraphale looked between the two of them, a worried look on his face. A nervous, guilty pinprick pierced her chest. Is this really what Gabriel had driven her to? Deliberately hurting and snapping at the two people who cared for her? She’d come to accept that the first time she attacked them hadn’t been her fault, with plenty of insistence form Aziraphale. But this time, she wasn’t possessed. She was hopped up on caffeine and paranoia but she was still fully conscious and fully in control and she’d tried to hurt them again. Why they were even still bothering with her was a mystery. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that. You’re just trying to help.”

Crowley bit his lip. “ ’S alright.” He muttered.

“You’re under a lot of stress, my dear. I’d be surprised if you weren’t a bit snippy.” Azirpahale said. Kaera side eyed him. Though she came to welcome and appreciate his occasional blunt yet still oblivious charm, in this situation, it wasn’t helping. “Well, either way, we need a better plan if we want to play this game correctly.”

“Game plan, Angel.” Crowley said. “It’s just game plan.”

“Well I don’t know how I’m supposed to do anything about this.” Kaera interjected. “The hallucinations seem to come at random. There’s no tipoff for me. At first I could tell what was a hallucination and what wasn’t based on how the two of you were acting, like Aziraphale playing solitaire or making me peach tea instead of chamomile, but for the past few days, they’ve gotten worse and much more realistic.” She shuddered, thinking about how quickly Aziraphale had gone from hugging her to strangling her white still keeping his calm and cheerful demeanor. “I don’t know how it’s happened but Gabriel has gotten really good at impersonating you. Either that or I’m one step away from falling off the deep end.” Her voice was weak as she gripped the sides of her hair.

Warm, gentle fingers cupped her shoulder and rubbed her arm, distracting her from her anxiety and momentarily calming her so she could focus again.

“I need a way to figure out how to properly recognize what’s real and what isn’t.” Her exhaustion and irritation was clear in her voice. “Even if I do manage to recognize a hallucination, I have no way out without outside help.”

“Well that’s why you have us, my dear.” Aziraphale assured.

“We can’t always guarantee that we’ll be able to help, Angel.” Crowley said. “What if Gabriel tries something while we’re both out?”

“Or when I’m at work?” Kaera added.

Aziraphale thought for a moment, stroking his chin. “What usually causes you to snap out of your hallucinations?”

“Sometimes they stop on their own, if I ignore them, but last night was too close a call.”

“What happened last night?” Crowley asked, sitting up and folding his hands.

Shit. She’d slipped up. “Nothing.” She insisted.

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Kaera, I have the nose and tongue of a snake. I know bullssssshit when I smell it.”

Kaera sighed and begrudgingly recalled her hallucination from the previous night and by the end of it, Azirpahale looked appalled and Crowley looked about ready to march up to Heaven and kick Gabriel’s perfectly straight teeth in. “Logically,” Kaera went on, “I know neither of you would ever try to harm me, but it’s hard to remember that when I’m in the thick of it.”

Aziraphale stroked his chin again. “What else causes you to come to?”

“The first time I was brought out of one instead of waiting for it to pass, it was because Crowley slapped me.”

Crowley snapped his fingers. “That’s it! Something physical to ground you. That’s what you need.”

“So I need pain? It’s a little hard to remember to pinch myself when I’m fighting off an attack.”

“So we’ll give you some kind of sign so you won’t have to think too hard about it.” Aziraphale said, catching on to Crowley’s idea.

Kaera bit her lip. “What kind of sign did you have in mind?”

Crowley stood from his chair and gestured for her to do the same. She stood and walked over to him, thoroughly confused and a little nervous.

“You mind giving me your hand?” Crowley asked.

“Why? What are you going to do?” Kaera probed.

“Place a sigil. That’s all I’m gonna do.” Kaera cautiously obliged and held out her hand to the demon, who took it and touched two fingers to her wrist like he was checking her pulse. “This may sting for a second.” His eyes closed and his lips began to move, silently muttering to himself.

At first there was nothing, but after a few seconds, a glow bled from under Crowley’s fingertips, illuminated by a reddish, golden light. He was right, it did sting, just underneath her skin. It wasn’t horribly painful, only about as bad as a paper cut or being pricked by a sewing needle. It was also mercifully brief, but when Crowley moved his fingers and released her hand, her skin was still blank. What was the point of all that?

“It’ll only show up when you’re outside of reality.” Crowley explained, reading her confused expression. “The rest of the time, it stays hidden.”

Kaera ran her thumb over the spot on her wrist where Crowley had set the sigil. “Is…is there any way to test it?” She asked quietly.

Wordlessly, Crowley closed his eyes, and let out a long, deep breath.

* * * * *

It was warm and quiet. Not a discomforting quiet, where you’re left alone with just your thoughts and insecurities. Just quiet. She hadn’t experienced such peace in a long time.

A soft light filled her eyes and clear air filled her lungs. The sight around her was nowhere she’d been before. It looked almost like a desert but it wasn’t stiflingly hot. A gentle breeze kissed her skin and ruffled her hair as the sun settled over the white sand.

In front of her stood Aziraphale and Crowley, their wings unfurled. It took all her willpower not to stare or gasp. Aziraphale’s luminous white wings were absolutely beautiful and Crowley’s sleek black wings reflected the sunlight. Both sets of wings were immaculately groomed.

A fluttering came from behind her and when she glanced back, she was faced with a set of soft gray wings, quivering and shabby, but there nonetheless.

Her chest tightened as her breathing picked up. Eyes all over her, staring at her, gawking at her freakishness and nudity. Cold metal and sharp pain.

She fell to her knees, shivering.

“Kaera!” Aziraphale gasped, rushing over to her. “Kaera, what is it?”

“M-my wings.” She stammered. “T-they’re all staring at m-my wings.”

Before Azirpahale could say anything, a sting emerged on her wrist again, similar to the one she felt back in the cottage, only this time, something was different. There was a symbol on her wrist, embedded into her skin like a tattoo. A slash with two curved horizontal lines running through it, then dashing up again to a downward curve, connected to what looked like a large letter C, turned on its side with a dash through it. It was written in black ink but it glowed with a white light.

The sting and the glow grounded her, momentarily distracting her from her panicked flashback and giving her time to remember to breathe.

Aziraphale knelt in front of her, reaching a tentative hand towards her. “Are you alright, dear one?”

She took another breath as he helped her to her feet.

“I…I think so.” Crowley took a few steps forward, standing next to Azirpahale as Kaera ran her fingers over the mark. “What just happened?”

Crowley put his hands in his pockets. “You tell me.”

“I was in the middle of a flashback and a sting came over my wrist and…”

“It grounded you?” Crowley guessed. Kaera nodded. The sigil was still glowing on her wrist but the sting had faded. It wasn’t gone but the pinch under her skin was much lesser than it was before. “Good. That’s what it was supposed to do.” Kaera gave him a somewhat puzzled look. “It shows up in the situations, whether they happen at the same time or separately, where your mind isn’t in reality, either physically or mentally. So if you come somewhere similar to here, or have a hallucination or panic attack or flashback, it activates, which stings like a bitch but it helps with getting for focus back.” He looked somewhat regretful. “It may not show up right away if Gabriel interferes, but it will show up, make no mistake. The pain should be enough to bring you out. At least, it hopefully will be.” He scratched the back of his head. “I never was too good at this stuff.”

“How do you know so much about this?” Kaera asked.

Wordlessly, Crowley lowered his hand and rolled back his sleeve, revealing an identical mark on his wrist, with one difference. The sigil on her wrist was black, his was white.

Kaera looked from his wrist to his face, a mournful, lopsided smile across his lips. “Panic attacks are pretty common for demons, especially demons that are really bad at their jobs.” Something tugged in Kaera’s chest and before she could stop herself, she had wrapped her arms around the demon, hugging him tightly. When she realized what she’d done, the tug turned to embarrassment.

‘ _That was stupid of me. He didn’t want a hug, especially not from me. He must be angry_ -’

Her thoughts were interrupted by Crowley’s arms wrapping around her shoulders, hugging her back. She certainly hadn’t expected this, but she welcomed it nonetheless.

“Thank you.” She murmured.

“Don’t mention it.” The demon muttered back. “It’s about time I started making good on my promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, the stuff I do to poor Kaera.  
> Hello all! I hope you had a good week and a fun Halloween. I went to a showing of _Rocky Horror_ organized by my school's LGBTQ+ student union and it was a blast! This week has been pretty stressful, with finals coming up (my school started our semester super early so we could end super early as well) and I'm still struggling to get my Psych grade up a bit, but I'm trying.  
> Thanks so much to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all their help, they're awesome, go check out their stuff. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	58. Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Flashbacks, panic attacks, PTSD, and unwanted touches.

Something about that whole encounter stayed with Kaera. That was the first time she’d ever seen her wings. Really seen them, not just looking at them as part of a trick of Hell. She had finally gotten a look at them…and she was afraid.

They were a part of who she was and Hell had made her terrified to even look at them. Every time she even thought about them, they were accompanied by prying eyes, horrid laughter, a harsh voice telling her to keep still, and the sting of a whip on her back.

Aziraphale had told her about a month after she escaped from Hell that recovery was a slow process and that she needed to give herself time and patience. But doing nothing wasn’t working. She was willing to give herself patience but she wasn’t willing to put her entire life on pause. She was restless and wanted to keep moving forward and be proactive in her recovery. Now was as good a time to start as any.

With a quick flash, the three of them were standing back in the living room as if no time had passed at all.

“So, that was the aether?” She asked.

“Yep.” Crowley answered.

“That’s where our wings exist when we haven’t summoned them?”

“Yep.”

There was a long pause. All three of them were quite bewildered with the events of the day and it was only noon. Kaera herself was especially tired. Paranoia of that intensity was something she had never experienced in her life and it was frightening. She was no stranger to paranoia period, but having it be that harsh, that insane, that suffocating was not something she’d ever seen. The dizzying questions floating through her, the rapid pace of her heart, her whole body feeling like it was vibrating. Not to mention the sense of absolute uncertainty, both towards what was around her and what she was capable of (and had considered) doing to her friends. It was terrifying! Add all of that on top of a night of no sleep and almost overdosing on caffeine made for a dreadful experience that she was in no rush to repeat.

The emotional extreme had quickly slammed against the surface and had slowly begun sinking back down, tapering out to simply an irrational fear. That she could at least handle. She was used to fear and it had become a regular part of her life…actively thinking that rather than just letting it fester in the back of her mind helped her realize how screwed up that truly was.

“Sooooooo…” She drawled, hoping to try and fill the awkward silence. She did have something on her mind but she was never very good at initiating a difficult conversation, especially if she was asking for something. It made her feel like an annoyance or a burden, even if she were asking for something as simple as a glass of water. There would always be a shameful heat in her cheeks and a twisting feeling in her stomach. But she wanted to overcome this hurdle, she wanted to summon her wings and not be afraid of them. Hell would not make her afraid of her own body. She would _not_ let her fear overpower her.

What was more, she needed to be at full power. When she was still getting a hand on the more basic of her skills, Aziraphale had informed her that, while he wasn’t entirely sure about this, summoning her wings would likely cause a power surge. That’s how it worked for original angels at least. They weren’t created with their wings, God had granted them their wings shortly after they’d been brought into existence, after She decided what kind of angel they would be. With that blessing came both their wings and their power and connection to Her. Kaera on the other hand had been born with her wings, but this wouldn’t stop her connection to her power, both the Celestial and Infernal, from coming to fruition when she called her wings for the first time. She needed that power. Gabriel and Beelzebub were both much stronger and smarter than she was. If she wanted any chance of surviving before they either gave up or she was able to convince them to leave her be, she needed as much of an advantage as she could give herself.

Aziraphale and Crowley had sat back down on the couch, leaving her lost in thought in the middle of the den like an idiot.

“Kaera?” Aziraphale asked. “Is everything alright my dear?”

“Iwanttolearnhowtosummonmywings!” She blurted, going a bit pink in the face. She had intended to ask it with a bit more tact but apparently her mind had gone with a more “rip the bandaid off” kind of approach.

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at Kaera like her skin had suddenly turned green. A chill ran upher spine when she saw their expressions.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt it like that.”

“Quite alright,” Aziraphale said, confusion on his face, “I just didn’t understand what you said.”

“Oh.” Kaera said sheepishly. “I meant to ask if you would help me summon my wings.” She did her best to keep her tone calm and steady but she failed to prevent the nervous but still hopeful anticipation from leaking into her voice.

Aziraphale knit his eyebrows, looking somewhat concerned but to like he would refuse outright.

“If you don’t mind my asking, what brought this on? I thought we agreed to wait until you were ready, when there weren’t any, ah, ‘distractions’.”

“That may be, but with both Heaven and Hell after me, getting access to my full power sounds like a good idea. I can’t keep resisting when I’m still so inexperienced. If they keep hounding me, I”m either going to give in or discorporate.” She hung her head, ashamed of both her inexperience and her laziness. She really should have resumed her lessons by now. “I’m not strong enough.”

“That’s not true.” Aziraphale protested. “You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“I…I don’t…”

“What did we talk about?”

Kaera sighed. “Not to be so hard on myself.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Aziraphale-”

“I said I want to hear you say it.”

Kaera sighed again. “I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.”

“Precisely.” Aziraphale said. “I do think learning to summon your wings is a fine idea, but are you doing it because you want to or because you feel you have no other option aside from forcing yourself to unlock your full power?”

There were a few moments of silence before a murmur broke it. “There is another reason…”

Aziraphale patted the seat on couch next to him. Kaera sat down with a sigh.

“And what would that be?” The angel asked.

“You saw my memories of when I was crawling out. One of the fears they used was locking me in a cage with my wings out and with people gawking at them.” She shivered at the memory, the humiliation, the pain in her back, the jeers and taunts, all of it still haunted her.

A concerned expression came over Aziraphale’s face when he noticed the shiver and Kaera took note of the look he was giving her.

“That’s why.” She said, referring to the involuntary tremor. “I don’t want to be ruled by the memory. Ruled by the fear. My wings are part of me and Hell made me terrified of them. I don’t want that to continue to happen, I refuse to give them any more power than they have over me. I want to be in control.”

Aziraphale looked at her nervously. “Darling, while I do agree that learning to summon your wings is a smart idea, you must remember not to overdo it. I know that recovery is frustratingly slow but forcing yourself to move at a pace you’re uncomfortable with for the sake of a quicker, more convenient recovery will only make it worse.”

“I don’t want to summon them because I think it’ll help me recover faster. I want to do it because I want to start taking step to take control of my life again. I just want to be free to live my own life.”

Aziraphale looked at his clasped hands, a thoughtful gleam in his eyes. If there was anything all of them could sympathize with, it was that.

Crowley sat up a bit straighter in his chair.

“That may be, but trying to go too fast-“

“That’s just how I work.” Kaera interrupted. “I’ve never been a patient person. I’ve always been restless. I’ve always been the kind of person to not want to wait for things, even if I’m always to scared to go for them.” She looked between the two of them. “But I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I’m done letting them have a hold on me.”

* * * * *

“Remember to keep your focus and remember to breathe. Don’t make yourself dizzy.” Crowley instructed.

“But don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get it right away.” Aziraphale added.

Kaera took a breath in through her nose, steadying herself. In truth, she was really nervous. She wasn’t too eager to trigger another flashback, they were rather humiliating and more than just a little frightening. But she’d made herself a promise.

The breeze ruffled her hair, a few stray strands falling from the tight bun. The breath exited her lungs, the vapor slightly less visible in the early spring air.

A quick miracle made it so the other people in the village had better things to do than go to the park on a cold March morning, so they had the entire area to themselves. Summoning one’s wings required as much space as possible and full concentration, so they couldn’t risk any curious humans poking around. Either something would go wrong or something would go right and said human would see something they shouldn’t.

Kaera took another breath in and let it out, her eyes slowly closing as she drifted deeper into herself. There was something there, buried under years of memories and forgotten heritage. Unlike the presence she felt whenever she performed any angelic or demonic acts, this was perfectly neutral. There was no yawning abyss of hunger and ambition and there was no overwhelming peace or bright heat. It was just…there. A subtle, gentle presence, lying just beneath the surface, just out of her reach.

There was a sensation she hadn’t felt before. Mischievous but still relaxed. That wasn’t he. She’d always felt nervous, since she was little. She was always looking over her shoulder.

There was something else. A passionate anger and want for justice. A hope for change and a stubbornness to hold onto that hope.

Another breath.

They were one, the unrecognized sensations intertwined. All at once they were mixing together and were so closely bound that they were unable to be told apart. It was as if they had never been separate. They had always been meant to find each other, to combine, to be together. These two separate sensations, now one, brought out a new sensation.

It was there, she could feel it. It was a strong feeling but it was familiar. Oh Lord was it familiar. It was natural to her, it was as easy as saying her own name. And it was warm. Her chest feels full to bursting from the empowering sense of love and warmth. The same warmth that came from her pendant. It was so overwhelmingly familiar and so overwhelmingly… _her_.

Another breath came, this one was much deeper, filling her entirely and when it escaped it wasn’t a silent passive breath. It came bursting from her chest in a loud, prideful shout.

There was a sound of fluttering and a heaviness on her back. Her body was suddenly tired, the breath and the shout had taken a lot out of her. She sunk to her knees and her breath began to quicken.

No. No please. She had been doing so well.

_Tired. Exhausted from running. She couldn’t keep running but she had to keep running. Her body was in so much pain._

_Shouts. Jeers. The chains were pulling her down, digging into her skin._

No. No please no.

_The pain in her back was unbearable, her wings were cumbersome and aching and the whip stung, tearing her skin to shreds. Every crack brought a new pain, a new scar, a new embarrassment. Her very skin was a canvas to her freakishness._

_Hands were running over her wings, roughly pulling art the feathers, peeling them back like a curtain._

_“Stay still, freak.”_

A new pain broke out. A pain on her wrist. This pain was different. While the others drowned her, this one offered her clarity.

A breath in. A breath out.

There was a glow on her wrist as well, a bright sigil looping around I her skin.

Another breath in. Another breath out.

She ran her fingers over the black ink. It was real.

Sweat beaded her brow and tears pooled in her eyes.

Another breath in. Another breath out.

As she breathed, the voices seemed to drift further away. The pain in her body began to ebb.

Through the jumble and the white noise, a clear voice cut through the air.

“Kaera. Kaera listen to me.” It was close by but she couldn’t see anyone aside from the silent crowd. “Listen to my voice.” Another breath came and went. “Good.” The voice said. “Just breathe.”

A few more breaths. With each huff, the darkness began to thin. The many pairs of eyes closed and blended in with the slowly dissipating blur. One pair of eyes stood out. Brilliantly gold with thick black slits.

“Just breathe.” The voice repeated. Her breath was steady this time. Her dizzying thoughts began to quiet and a face bloomed around the eyes, the sharp features twisted with concern. “Is it alright if I take your hands?” Crowley asked. Kaera took another breath and nodded. Warm hands took hers, the long fingers settled over her knuckles. “Do you think you can speak?”

“Y-yes.” She croaked.

“Good.” Crowley said. “Can you look around for me?”

“I…I don’t think I want to.”

“What you’re seeing isn’t real. It may feel real, but you’re not there anymore. You’re here in the park with me and Aziraphale.”

Another breath. She opened her eyes and looked around, taking in the sights around her. A little terrified gasp came from her. The real world seemed to be overlapping with her flashback. A snarling demon was standing on a park bench, a pair of prying, glowing eyes were hidden within the tree branches.

She flinched, scrunching her eyes shut again, a tremor breaking out over her body.

A gently squeeze tightened around her hands, her arms trembling. “It’s not real. You’re safe. You’re here with us.” With a little strength coming back to her, she squeezed back. “Yep. I’m real. I’m here with you.”

Kaera took a few more breaths and slowly opened her eyes.

“Tell me what you see.” Crowley instructed softly.

“P-pine trees.” Kaera began, her voice weak.

“Can you count how many you see for me?” Crowley asked.

Kaera glanced around herself, doing her best to tally them, but was only able to count the twelve directly behind Crowley. “Twelve.” She answered. “Twelve pine trees. And I see a c-concrete path. Cottages in the distance. The roofs a-are topped with burgundy shingles. And I see Aziraphale…he’s wringing his hands. And I see you in front of me.”

“Good. That’s really good.” The demon looked over his shoulder. “Could you miracle some water, Angel?” Aziraphale nodded and snapped his fingers. A water bottle appeared in his hands, which he uncapped and handed to Crowley. “Take a few drinks. Slowly.” Crowley instructed.

Kaera took the water and brought it to her lips. Her mouth was dry and her throat felt like a sheet of sand paper. The cool water further pulled her back and relieved the dryness on her tongue.

As she drank, Aziraphale knelt down next to Crowley on the grass, a little further back to not crowd Kaera.

She took a few more sips and let out another breath as the sting and the sigil faded from her wrist.

“Thanks.” She whispered.

“How do you feel, my dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“Alright, I think. Just a little worn out.”

“Do you think you can stand?”

She gave a weak nod as Aziraphale offered his hand, helping her to her feet. Her back felt a little heavy, but not nearly as bad as it had been before, only like she was wearing a backpack. And there was no pain. Kaera bit her lip.

“I want to look behind me. At my wings. But I’m scared I might flashback again.”

Aziraphale took Kaera’s left hand and Crowley took her right. Kaera inhaled deeply and turned her head. The exhale came out as an astonished gasp.

They were, in appearance, just like they had been in the aether or…in Hell. But now that they were here with her on earth, there was something different about their atmosphere. Though the fear was still present in her veins and her body was still trembling, her wings brought her a very small but very potent amount of comfort. Her pendant was also growing warmer the longer she looked at them, calming her.

“They don’t hurt.” She murmured.

“What was that dear?” Aziraphale asked.

Kaera looked back at her friends. “M-my back doesn’t hurt. I thought they…I-I thought…” The memories of Hell began to wash over her again, but a squeeze from her right hand brought her back before she was too far into the thick of it. Crowley gave her a knowing look as she did her best to control her breathing.

All at once, her body jerked and tightened. A rush of power coursed through her veins, through her entire body. Every cell in her was vibrating with electricity. Her breaths were hitched and her eyes when wide. Her limbs tensed and her muscles flexed, stretching and clicking. A thousand volts went through her mind, sending blurring, brilliant thoughts through her gray matter at a hundred miles a minute. Her entire body was buzzing.

Something was different. The world seemed a little brighter. No. It wasn’t the world. It was _her_. Her entire body was glowing with a strange light that was neither holy or unholy, but perfectly in the middle.

“W-what’s happening?” She asked nervously.

“It’s alright, my girl. Don’t be frightened. It’s just the power surge. It should only last a few more moments.” Aziraphale assured.

Strangely enough, she enjoyed this feeling. It was warm and full, not like the anxiety and emptiness and fear she’d mostly felt for months now. It was refreshing too, like the first warm breeze of spring. There was still fear, but she wasn’t drowning anymore. It was almost manageable. It wasn’t ideal but she reveled in it. On the road to recovery, she’d learned, you take what you can get.

An idea came to her as she turned back towards the soft gray wings behind her and slowly slipped her hands out of the grips of her friends. One of the wings quivered, the muscles in her back tensing and curling the wing closer to her body. The sudden movement and tensing of muscles caused a brief pang of fear to pass through her heart. She shivered but didn’t back down. Not at first at least. As she reached her fingers towards the feathers, the fear refused to leave her body and it was growing worse. She lowered her hands, her fingers curling in with frustration.

“I can’t do it.” She whispered, her voice trembling. “IcantdoitIcantIcantdoit.” They must think so little of her. She was weak and worthless and-

“It’s alright, love.” Aziraphale said. “There’s no time limit, no deadline. Take as much time as you need.” The angel took her hand again, patting it gently. “Besides, you’ve made such wonderful progress today. Summoning your wings is a huge step. You should be proud.” She gave him a weak smile, a little worn out.

“I think I’ve had enough for today.” She said. Aziraphale nodded.

Kaera closed her eyes, taking a few breaths. The energy and full feeling in her chest began to fade. The grip on her body loosened with the lowering of her head, letting the heaviness in her back spread to the rest of her body before fading out altogether. She lost her grip on the strong, familiar feeling, allowing it to fade between her fingers and out of her sight. She opened her eyes, the rest of the power coming down from the surge and settling into her body.

Her legs buckled slightly and both Crowley and Aziraphale took hold of her arms to keep her upright. "We should get you home." Crowley said, slipping his sunglasses back on. 

Her head was dizzy and her legs were weak and quivering, but amidst it all, under the weariness and ever-present fear, she _was_ proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Just because Kaera tries to quicken her own recovery on her mental journey doesn't mean you should too. Take your recovery at your own pace. If you feel you're ready to move forward, don't forget that there is no shame in reaching out for help and support (after all, Kaera wouldn't be where she is now without the help, support, and love of her Godfathers). You are loved and you are valid.  
> Hello, loves. I hope you enjoyed that chapter and I hope you've all had a nice week. I've had a bit of a stressful time, assignments and work have been piling up on me, but I've been managing. And I have my writing to keep me sane. Thanks as always to the wickedly talented and awesome [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all your help. If you all enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments always make me so very happy. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day!


	59. Upkeep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: PTSD and discussions of flashbacks and panic attacks, memories of physical and sexual assault

Kaera felt it necessary to try and summon her wings one day a week, both to practice until summoning became second nature (partially so she wouldn’t have to worry about summoning them by accident) and also to grow used to them and learning to ground herself and cope.

The first several times she summoned the, she would do so with either Aziraphale, Crowley, or both present. Every time she summoned them, she would suffer from a flashback or panic attack as well, though the severity varied. A few times, she was able to summon them alone. Though the flashback that came with it was debilitating, once she was able to ground herself, she felt the strange mix of comfort and warm pride, both from her pendant and, oddly enough, stemming form her wings. It started from her back and bloomed over her shoulders down into her chest and stomach. It exhausted her but she found herself smiling as she settled onto her back, looking up at the sky and breathing in the sweet smell of the garden. Her soft gray wings had wrapped around her and cradled her body, shielding her from the chilly late March breeze.

It had taken even longer for her to touch her wings. The first time she tried, she had Crowley with her as she ran her fingers over her primaries. Instantly, she was overcome with visions of the laughing crowd and the sensation of rough hands grabbing her wings and pulling on them, showing off her naked body. It had taken hours for her to stop shivering, even once the sigil had grounded her. But she was nothing if not determined.

The second time she tried touching her wings, Aziraphale had been tightly clasping her other hand. The feel of his skin, coupled with the sting of the sigil, had made it easier for her to stay grounded but she could only manage to run her fingers along the shape of her right wing before breaking into tears. She spent the rest of the afternoon crying in Aziraphale’s arms, with the angel whispering soft reassurances to her.

It was slow, but she didn’t stop and eventually, she had been able to touch her wings. It was never the same or nearly as casual as when her hands would clasp one another or when she would run her fingers through her hair. But it was more than she could do a year ago. And she was reminded every so often by her friends that she was making progress and any progress was good.

Crowley had also been gracious enough to demonstrate how to groom her wings properly and how to keep them healthy. It baffled her but Crowley cared more about the appearance of his wings than Aziraphale did, though when she put a bit more thought into it, she understood. It made sense that a demon would put more stock in their outward appearance, especially a demon as aesthetic and flashy as Crowley. Aziraphale didn’t put too much stock in how others saw him, he just wanted to be comfortable and sometimes his wings paid the price for his lack of vanity (though the angel did quite enjoy when Crowley would preen him…perhaps that’s why he kept them so untidy).

Kaera was well aware that she would _never_ be comfortable with anyone touching her wings. Not even Crowley or Aziraphale. Anyone’s hands but her own would just remind her of her ordeal in Hell and cause her undue stress. It annoyed her, but she knew it was necessary.

Funnily enough, as time went on and she gradually became more comfortable with her wings, she was able to manage the flashbacks and combat most of the panic attacks. There were some that were quite bad that would either have her sent home from work early or needing comfort form Crowley or Aziraphale, but a good portion of the time, she was able to bring herself back and be her own source of grounding and comfort. This brought something strange to Kaera. She came to enjoy and even have pride for her wings. When she would run her fingers through her feathers, there was an acute but still subtle sense of triumph. They were _her_ wings, a part of her. Hell had tried to take away her power over a piece of her body and they almost succeeded. But she hadn’t let them. Whenever she touched her wings, she was reminded of her own autonomy. For the first time in a long time, she simply found herself reveling in herself, in her own existence. She could breathe.

However, with this sense of pride and calm, there also came an unwelcome bit of suspicion. Too much had happened for her. Not to expect something awful just around the corner. She wanted to ignore it. She wanted more than anything to think that she was just being paranoid. But she’d existed on Earth for to long not to heed her sense of caution.

It happened on an afternoon in early April. Kaera was sitting in the backyard surrounded by fruit trees, grooming her wings. She had just began plucking out the overgrown down when a peculiar feeling crawled up her back.

Instantly, she vanished her wings and gathered the discarded feathers, looking as casual as possible as she could while on the inside, her heart was pounding and her stomach was twisting into knots.

She walked into the cottage, doing her best not to run, greeted Azirpahale, and deposited the shed feathers into the trash bin, setting one aside and placing it into a box on the fireplace mantle. She wasn’t sure why Aziraphale was so keen on collecting her, Crowley’s, and his own shed feathers but she didn’t question it. It was most likely due to how sentimental he could be, like parents keeping locks of hair from their children’s first haircuts, which she found rather sweet. But she couldn’t focus on that now. Her hands betrayed her, quivering as she placed the gray feather in with the black and white ones. Slowly, with a few beads of sweat dripping down her face, she escaped to her room, pulling out her sketchbook and did her best to keep her heart rate under control as she began to draw.

The sensation she felt in the garden was one she hadn’t felt in almost a week, but it was not at all unfamiliar.

The feeling of being watched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't upload this yesterday. It was move out day for my campus and I spent most of the day in the car. And sorry this is so short, but shit is gonna start rolling again next chapter. I hope you liked this though. Kaera needs a break from the chaos every so often. But she's not completely off the hook.  
> Anyway, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	60. What I am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Character death (kind of. It's not real, nor is it even permanent, but still heed the warning) violence and physical abuse, and self deprecating thoughts.

“Crowley!” Kaera called as she breezed through the door. “Lucille let me off early today!” She hung her jumper on the coatrack, opening her bag and pulling out a small bundle. “There was a farmer’s market downtown and they were selling-" Her voice caught in her throat as soon as she set foot in the living room. The sofa was overturned and the coffee table was smashed in half. Several of Crowley’s plants were upturned as well and there was a dent in the plaster on the wall. Kaera’s heart nearly halted as she took a closer look at the dent. There were traces of inky black blood.

A groan sounded form upstairs and Kaera dropped her parcels and raced to the second floor, following the trail of damaged property and bloody footsteps. The trail led down the hall and into her bedroom, where a figure lay on the floor, curled in on itself. A tuft of flaming red hair came into view.

“Crowley!” Kaera nearly shrieked, racing into the room and kneeling by the demon. “Oh no. No no no no no. Please be okay. Please, please.”

Another groan emerged from the demon, eliciting a sigh of relief from Kaera. At least he was still alive.

As gently as she could, she rolled Crowley onto his back and gasped. His shirt was torn open and a long, large gash traced down his chest to his stomach, gushing black blood. With another groan, he demon opened his eyes, looking up at Kaera.

“Crowley! What happened? Who did this?”

A gurgle and a spurt of blood came from Crowley’s mouth as he choked out a single word.

“Gabriel.”

Kaera’s entire body went cold. She knew the answer deep down but she was hoping to anyone who would listen that she was wrong.

“Is he still here?” She asked frantically. “Crowley, is he still here?!”

Another choked gurgle answered her. Gabriel could wait, Crowley took priority.

“Keep still and try to breathe.” She instructed. “I’m going to heal you.”

“Don’ bother.” Crowley grunted. “’S pointless.”

“Have a little faith in me.” Kaera said, trying to keep her tone light not to betray the panic underneath.

Crowley let out a noise that slightly resembled a snort. “Faith.” He huffed. “Where’s ‘zat ever got anyone?”

“D-don’t talk.” She stammered. “Save your strength.”

Her hands were quivering as she set them over the wound, letting out a breath as she reached for that overwhelming light and encompassing warmth deep inside her. A soft yellow glow encased her hands and embedded itself into the wound. The light reflected off the dark blood and the tears quickly forming in Kaera’s eyes. She held her hands over the wound for a minute straight, but when she moved it away, nothing had changed. She tried a second and third time with similar results. As her panic began to increase, her movements became more desperate and erratic. All the while she was muttering, “No no no no no no no…” over and over. No matter what she tried, the wound wouldn’t close.

“Stop.” Crowley groaned. “’S no use.”

“No, I-I can do it. Just…just let me…”

“Kaera,” Crowley’s pale face was stern, “you can’t do it. Stop trying.”

“I…I..” A sniffle escaped from her as she watched the light fade from Crowley’s eyes. “Don’t leave. Please.” She begged. A final breath was pushed from Crowley’s lungs and he went still.

A mournful wail filled the room as Kaera gripped Crowley’s limp hand, sobbing horribly.

She had failed. She had failed and now Crowley was dead because of her incompetence. It was true that he had only discorporated, but there was no way Hell would allow him another body. If anything, they’d likely throw him into the darkest pit and leave him there. She’d never see him again. Aziraphale would never see him again and it was her fault. She’d let him die. She’d let him die. He was dead and it was her fault!

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God!

“Why?!” She screamed, turning her eyes Heavenward. “Why did you let Gabriel kill him? Why couldn’t I heal him?” A sob rose in her chest and burst out with a broken gasp. “Why are you letting all this happen? Why did you allow me to be created? All I ever do is bring misery! Crowley’s dead and it’s my fault! I can’t stand not knowing anymore! I can’t stand existing like this! You move in mysterious ways but do you have to be so silent?!” She clutched Crowley’s hand, shaking and sobbing. “Please. Just make it stop.”

“Do you really think She’d listen to you?” A cold voice sounded. Kaera looked up and narrowed her eyes.

“Do you have any shame?” She said, rising to her feet and standing protectively over Crowley’s body. ”You murdered my friend and now you’re going to kick me while I’m down?”

Gabriel tutted as he stepped out from the corner and further into the room. “You really feel the need to mourn for a demon. Pathetic.” He spat. “He’s the enemy of Heaven, no great loss. At least to those worthy of Her grace.”

“If anyone isn’t worthy of Her grace, it’s you! You pompous, cruel, murderous-“

A harsh slap cut her off.

“How _dare_ you?” Gabriel barked. “I am one of Her archangels! One of the most powerful beings in all creation. Soldier and messenger to the Heavenly host! What are you? Nothing!”

The usual familiar criticisms leaked into her mind, screaming at her that she was wrong, that she was a freak, something unnatural that shouldn’t have even been spawned and…

No. She couldn’t let that thinking rule her anymore. She didn’t want to think that about herself.

But that’s what you are, whether you like it or not.

No. It’s not true. It’s not!

Memories of Aziraphale caring for her while she was ill or hugging her when she was afraid or depressed or Crowley joking with her and making her laugh or saving her from Hastur’s whispering wandered into her mind. Not just them. George distracting a legion of demons so she could escape, Lucille giving her a job and offering her rides home from work and letting her know she had someone to talk to if she needed it, all those people in the pub cheering for her while she sang. They wouldn’t do all that for someone who didn’t matter, would they?

A sting spread over her wrist and she glanced down as the sigil came into view. This wasn’t real. Just another trick.

A small but strong drop of confidence trickled into her veins and danced all through her body like a shower of sparks. A boldness came to her mind, a fierce retort on her tongue. There was fear. There was still so much fear but she could get through this.

She stood a little straighter as she looked Gabriel in the eyes, giving him a hardened expression. His lips turned up into a condescending sneer.

“You want to know what I am?” She said. “I’ll tell you what I am. I am unique. The only being of my kind. She made me and she threw away the mold.” She raised her head and stood a little straighter, keeping her eyes locked with the archangel, who’s face was now sporting an enraged expression before he went pale. There was a buzzing all around the room and a tugging sensation behind her. The strange light that surrounded her when she’d first surrounded her wings filled the room, but this time it felt different. There was a new kind of strength to her, filling her body and consuming her like a fire. She was glowing and radiant but there was something more that she couldn’t put her finger on. Her head felt heavy and full but at the same time light and breezy. Her entire body vibrating with power and there was a burning tingling just behind her eyes. It was beautiful and painful, and still weak, even though it was taking all her energy to make this…whatever it was happen it wasn’t at full peak. She was confused and happy and scared all at the same time, but when she looked at Gabriel, her rage returned. “I’m irreplaceable.” She said, her voice strange. Not bad, but different. Strong and heavy. “Can you say the same?”

The retort hung heavy in the now silent room. Both of them were daring the other to move. Finally, in a burst of Holy light, Gabriel was gone, retreating back to Heaven. But as he vanished, Kaera saw a brief flash of something. Something she’d never seen on an archangel’s face before.

Fear.

Then the room was still again. She glanced behind her. Crowley’s body was gone, not a drop of blood on the floor. A sigh of relief escaped her lungs as the glow faded from the room. The different sensations left her body, her eyes stopped burning, the tugging faded from her back, her head went back to feeling normal, although a bit fuzzy. Her limbs ached and felt heavy. Her whole body was exhausted but underneath it all was a sense of peace.

“Kaera?”

Standing in the door way was Crowley, dirt staining his fingers and the plant mister in his hand.

Kaera let out a tiny yelp of relief and rushed towards Crowley, throwing her arms around him. If she hadn’t been so tired she likely would have tackled him.

“You’re okay!” She cried.

“‘F course I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be?” The smirk on the demon’s face faltered when he saw the tear tracts on Kaera’s cheeks. “What happened? Are you alright?” He looked her up and down for any sign of injury.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little shaken.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

Kaera let out a shaky breath, doing her best to steady herself. “Gabriel. He made me think you were dying and I…” she brushed some of the tears away. “I couldn’t heal you. I tried but it didn’t work and then you…I thought I lost you.”

Crowley clenched his fists. “If that fucking bastard comes back here, I swear…” his threat faded out as he saw Kaera’s terrified expression. “Hey, hey ’s alright. C'mere.” He wrapped his arms around her, gently rubbing her shoulder. Comforting people wasn’t exactly Crowley’s strongest skill but he still cared about Kaera and didn’t like seeing her so distressed. Though it didn’t stop him from silently vowing to himself that if he ever saw Gabriel again, he’d kick the shit out of him, tie him to the back bumper of the Bentley, and go for a drive on the M25. But right now, Kaera needed him.

“I’m here.” He soothed. “I’m right here. I’m alright. You didn’t lose me.”

Kaera let out a few tired, shaky breaths. “I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of being constantly afraid of my mind. I’m sick of… _OW_!” Her hands went to her head.

“Kaera! What is it? Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah I think… _oof_!” A pulling pain had broken out over her head, staring from the back and working its way up towards the front. It lasted all of twenty seconds before fading away, leaving Kaera even more tired than she was before. “That was…odd.” She said.

Crowley was about to say something but a strange feeling broke over him. He sniffed the air and hummed, slightly confused.

“What is it?” Kaera asked.

“Something’s changed.” He pressed two fingers to Kaera’s temple and strange pressure worked its way through her head, though this was was slightly more familiar (she had felt something similar when Crowley had banished Hastur from her mind) and it wasn’t nearly as painful as the sensation she’d felt not even a minute earlier. “Gabriel is still in your head, but the block he left behind is gone. I mean the essence is still there but it’s weakened significantly. It’s like an empty shell, burned from the inside.”

“I…I think I might have done that.” Kaera said.

“Really?”Crowley gasped. “Holy shit, that’s incredible! How?”

“I don’t know. I just got really angry and then, I don’t know a whole mess of things came over me. And then well…I guess telling him off like that worked.”

“Wait you told off Gabriel?” Crowley asked.

Kaera flushed slightly, a tiny bit of pride working through her chest. “I guess I did.”

Crowley had a shocked look on his face for a moment before a smirk worked its way across his lips. “That’s my girl.” He said, clasping Kaera on the back. “Let’s go back downstairs and make some tea, you look exhausted.”

“Yeah, good idea.” Kaera said. Her own words flashed in her mind again as the two of them made their way down the stairs.

“I’m unique. I’m irreplaceable.”

She wasn’t sure, but she had a feeling she’d just placed the first stone of her foundation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Looks like Kaera's finally getting some confidence and Crowley and Aziraphale's love and support are finally starting to kick in and pay off.   
> I'm doing fairly well. Thanksgiving was yesterday so we have so many leftovers and last night I ate so much pie I thought I'd be sick and my brother and his girlfriend came to my parents house and we had dinner and played clue and Quiplash and watched Schitt's Creek and it was just a great night. Now I just have to focus on finishing my final projects and whatnot, and believe me I have a lot (one class has a final paper/project and an exam. What?!) But I've been working hard the past couple of days to finish them. I have confidence in myself (though I would not be averse to well wishes).  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter. If you did, kudos and comments always brighten my day. As always, thank you to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for all your help. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	61. A Deadly Alliance

Fear was a new feeling for the Archangel. As he disappeared, transferring himself back to Heaven, the unneeded heart in his corporation was pounding furiously, a horrible shivering was making its way through his veins. His hands wouldn’t stop trembling.

How dare she? How dare that brat, that abomination, claim that he was replaceable? That he was unimportant? How dare she have the gall to even insinuate that she was worth more than he was?

There was a sickening pit opening up in his stomach as he walked back to his office.

No. No!

This wasn’t happening! Was he doubting Her?

The abomination’s words kept pounding in his mind. Would She really be rid of him if She saw fit? Was he really replaceable?

First fear and now doubt? He needed to repent. He needed to fix this before he Fell.

That…thing needed to be reined in. She needed Heavenly influence, just the right push to fix that rebellious, heretical attitude.

…and he knew exactly how to do that.

* * * * *

Gabriel wrinkled his nose at the foul smell of sulfur and brimstone as the elevator descended further. He always hated going to Hell, even if it was just to deliver a message. Whenever he was able, he’d send a lesser ranking angel in his stead. He couldn’t stand to mingle with the filth rejected by Heaven. His body almost physically reacted at the thought of being in that cesspool of depravity and sin longer than he had to.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened, the stench growing worse. Gabriel walked out of the empty hallway into the main area of Hell. Every soul and demon turned their attention to him, shocked to see not only an angel but an Archangel in Hell.

Gabriel turned up his nose. “Out of my way.” He commanded. “I need to speak with Beelzebub.”

A murmur rippled through the crowd as well as some low chuckles. Was an angel really making demands to them? Some looked at Gabriel almost like he was a meal. Gabriel rolled his eyes and undid the fasten to the bag around his shoulder.

“You really don’t want to see what I have in this bag.” He warned. Some of the demons backed away, looks of fear in their beastly eyes, but most of them merely smirked and continued to approach like Gabriel had issued them a challenge. Gabriel reached into his bag and pulled out a large glass bottle, filled with a clear liquid. “I’m sure you all know what this is.”

All of them scampered away to the walls of the corridor sniveling like the pests they were. Gabriel smirked and walked over to a demon with blonde hair and silver marks all over their skin.

“Demon, I seem to have forgotten the way to Beelzebub’s office. Would you show me the way?” He punctuated the question with one of his famous smiles that would make anyone know he was the one in power and he didn't need an excuse to use that power. The kind of smile that put people in their place.

The demon nodded, not looking Gabriel in the eyes. Good. He didn’t want any demons getting the idea that they were important.

The blonde demon led Gabriel through the crowds as they pushed themselves against the wall, trying to get as far away from the Archangel as possible. Gabriel smiled as his footsteps sounded on the concrete floor. They didn’t echo like they did in Heaven, but the sound still reminded him who he was. These footsteps belonged to someone strong and righteous. The sound sent shivers through the crowd of demons.

Eventually, he and the demon stood outside the door to Beelzebub’s office. A well placed glare sent them scampering back down the hall.

Gabriel debated knocking, but decided against it. Demons of any rank didn’t deserve that kind of courtesy. He gripped the doorknob and walked inside.

“Beelzebub.” Gabriel greeted, doing his best to sound cordial while also letting the demon prince know exactly where they stood with him. They looked up from their paperwork and narrowed their eyes at him.

“What d’you want?” They snapped, setting down their quill.

Gabriel clicked his tongue. “Goodness, aren’t we a bit tetchy. Is it so wrong to want a visit?”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes and sat up, straightening their posture. The two wouldn’t let the other know it, but they were in a sort of competition with each other. A test of each others strengths, who could best intimidate, manipulate, who could give the greatest flex of power…who was superior. As the demon prince straightened their posture, they moved their first piece over the chessboard. “I’m very busy, so cut the shit, say what you need to and go.”

Gabriel pursed his lips and put his hands behind his back, his first piece was on the board. “Always straight to the point, that’s what I like about you Beelzebub.” A second piece was added. It would have been against the rules to set two pieces on the same turn, but both players thought the rules didn’t apply to them.

Beelzebub stood from their chair and approached Gabriel, staying a fair distance away from him, knowing better than to put their best pieces out too early in the game. “You’re always such a flatterer.” They said. A smug look came to Gabriel’s eyes. Had he already claimed his first piece? “That’s one of the things I always loathed about you.” No. Another piece on the board. “Now tell me what you want.”

“I’m sure you’re aware of a certain…creature living on earth. The hybrid Kaera?”

“Yes. Well aware.” Beelzebub casually shoved their hands in their pockets as they leaned against their desk. “We captured her easily and had her in custody for two weeks in our time.” They boasted, well aware Gabriel had yet to convince her to his side and that she had yet to even set foot in Heaven. They were pushing one of their pieces forward.

Gabriel offered them a smile. “Strong words from someone who let her escape.” He approached and gave the demon prince a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Easy mistake to make. Capturing someone isn’t the way to get them to your side. It requires tact. Diplomacy. You must ease them into it, make them want to join. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it.”

First blood had been claimed.

Beelzebub huffed, trying not to let their annoyance show. “What about her?”

“I believe you’re also aware what a stubborn and obstinate being she is?”

“Yes.”

“After all, she’s refused offers from both of us.”

“Get to the point.”

Gabriel clasped his hands in front of him, a weak example but still a show of his power. Another piece had been added. “I’ve noticed you’re no longer attempting to win her over.” Still another piece.

“Have I stopped? Or are you just not as observant as you think you are?” Another piece had been claimed.

“Well, why is that?” Gabriel asked, a glint in his eye.

“And why should I tell you?” While Gabriel believed in power in numbers, Beelzebub relied on the potency of their pieces rather than their quantity, choosing to hold them close until the need arose.

Gabriel chuckled and held up his hands. “Fair is fair. But Heaven is still vying, I should tell you.” An interesting move on Gabriel’s part. "Yet despite both our efforts, she still remains stubbornly neutral, under the care of those two traitors. Isn’t that a shame?” Beelzebub didn’t answer, not letting their face betray how confused they were feeling. They had been certain Gabriel would rather Kaera remain neutral than be an agent of Hell. Perhaps Gabriel was more shrewd than they gave him credit for. Though he didn’t know it, another piece was given to Gabriel.

“So what are you planning to do about it?” They asked.

“I was hoping you might give me some assistance with a little plan I’ve been cooking up.”

Beelzebub crossed their arms, pushing a piece to the center of the board, challenging the archangel. “And why should I do that?”

Gabriel set his own piece down. “You don’t want me to spoil the surprise do you?” One piece for Gabriel.

Beelzebub raised an eyebrow. “You want my help, you gotta convince me, I’m not one of your small minded minions.” One piece for the prince.

Gabriel put his hands behind his back again and began pacing, setting out another of his weaker pieces. “I’m continuing to try and convince her to my side but it’s unlikely she’ll accept.”

Beelzebub looked intently at the Archangel. “What d’you plan to do about it?” They asked casually. A very intense look came to Gabriel’s purple eyes that wouldn’t have been out of place on the faces of some of their demons. “I see.”

“If you still wish to try and convince her, do it soon.”

“I couldn’t really care less about that brat, do whatever you want.”

Both players thought the each collected one of their opponent’s pieces. Perhaps they both had. Perhaps neither.

“I still need help from you.” Gabriel said. This wasn’t a humble request.

“Tell me what you need and I’ll consider it.”

“I need a weapon that is infused both of Heaven and of Hell. I need assistants, supplies, and Hellfire. Because if the abomination refuses, as long as she still breathes and is not on one of our sides, she is a threat to both of us. To the status quo. She may not know it, but as a creature spawned by both Heaven and Hell, she is powerful and could easily destroy us both if she isn’t kept in check. It’s better for all of us that it never comes to that but she may need some…convincing. So what do you say?”

Beelzebub considered Gabriel’s words, hovering just so over their final piece on the board. How it had come to this, they weren’t sure. They had been performing their strange dance of power for quite a bit now. It could have been two minutes, it could have been two hours. Perhaps it had even begun the moment the two of them had opened their eyes and would only end when they both were pulled out of existence, but still they hovered over that one piece.

There was another piece on the board that neither of them had touched. It didn’t belong to either of them and they both were eager to see if someone claimed it or if it was swept from the board entirely.

Anyone who had been watching their game would have been holding their breath. One foolish move would have won the game for Gabriel and an equally clever move would bring victory to Beelzebub. The demon prince knew this, but still a smirk came over their lips, just as sly and cunning as the look in Gabriel’s eyes.

“I’ll do it.”

Gabriel smiled.

Checkmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUUUUUUUUN! Who knows what will come out of this? Who's to say but it ain't gonna be good for Kaera.  
> Hello all! How has life been going for you? I'm finally done with exams so I have a good chance to relax before winter break classes start up. I signed up for a songwriting class that I'm really excited about. I'm also getting my haircut later today so I can donate it (I think I have longer than a foot to be donate. Currently my hair sits at just above my thigh when I'm standing and I'm gonna cut it to just above my shoulder). And I'm super excited for Christmas. I always love the cozy feel around this time of year and I love knitting gifts for people. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed that chapter. If you did, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	62. Warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: PTSD, mentions of flashbacks and panic attacks, threats of bodily harm and attempts to injure, discussions of death

“Well done, Kaera. Well done.” Aziraphale praised. The past few weeks had seen her greatly improving her control and strength when it came to her wings. She would still suffer from anxiety attacks and flashbacks, but they were only on separate occasions now and she was slowly learning to manage them on their own. While they were still upsetting, they weren’t as debilitating as before.

Every other afternoon, the three of them took a brief detour on their afternoon walk around the village to stop in the park to continue Kaera’s training. Like a newborn bird, her wings started off weak and quivering, but the practice had made them stronger and Kaera found herself gradually getting a little more control over them. With any luck, she’d be able to start flying soon.

With a little swell of pride in her chest, Kaera tucked her wings back into the aether, stretching out a few of the dull aches in her back. The weren’t unfamiliar, but that didn’t mean they were welcome (at least it wasn’t as bad as how sore she’d been the first week of practice). She looked at her friends, a real smile on her lips for the first time in a long time.

“I’m about ready to head back, what d’you two say?”

“I’d say that’s a fine idea.” Aziraphale said, picking up his jacket and Kaera’s jumper. “I was thinking a nice beef curry for supper.” The angel mused as he handed the jumper off to Kaera.

“Sounds tasty,” Kaera answered as the three of them started off towards the edge of town.

It was funny, she’d never felt so at easy before. Not once in her life. She was by no means perfectly at peace but she was closer than she had ever been. It had been five weeks since she had last seen or heard anything from Gabriel and Hastur’s voice in her head had been silenced months ago. In other words, she had been completely mind trick free for over a month. She could finally feel herself starting to relax and for once, she wasn’t scared or nervous of how calm she was. She just let herself…be.

The weather was getting warmer and with it brought a liveliness and optimism to the area and everyone seemed to take note of it. As they walked back to the cottage, they passed children playing in the street and couples strolling and holding hands, elderly folk tossing breadcrumbs to the birds, heck even Crowley cracked a smile every so often.

Kaera let out a contented sigh.

“Something wrong?” Crowley asked.

“Nothing at all.” Kaera answered. “Just happy.”

Aziraphale put his arm around her in a sideways embrace. “Glad to hear it my dear.” Kaera gave him a smile.

When they got back to the cottage, Aziraphale started on dinner as Kaera settled herself on the sofa with her sketchbook open on her lap. Just as she was finishing the rough sketch, a knock sounded from the front door.

“Would you get that Kaera?” Aziraphale called.

“Sure.” Kaera answered back. A second, more aggressive knock followed and for some reason, Kaera suddenly began to feel very nervous. A familiar aura washed over her. A third knock sounded. “Coming.” She called. When she opened the door, she nearly screamed.

Standing in front of her were Beelzebub and Hastur.

Kaera stumbled backwards, gasping and knocking one of the smaller paintings off the wall.

“Kaera?” Crowley called from upstairs. “What is it? Who’s at the-“ his voice caught as he came down the stairs and saw ho was standing on the porch. Quick as he could, he rushed the rest of the way down the stairs and shoved Kaera behind him. “What the _fuck_ do you want?!”

“Crowley, there’s no need for such language.” Aziraphale scolded, joining the two in the front hallway. A pale anxious look came over his face when he saw what, or more appropriately _who_ , was causing all the commotion. All five beings were quiet for a good two minutes before Beelzebub cleared their throat.

“It’z rude to leave a guest waiting on the doorstep, y’know.” They chided.

“A courtesy usually saved for guests who are _wanted_.” Crowley snapped

Hastur clicked his tongue, a familiar sound that sent trembles all through Kaera’s body. “So quick to hostility.” He said smoothly. “You would think all your time spent up here would teach you some manners.”

“I’ll teach _you_ manners.” Crowley growled

Hastur smirked. “I’d love to see you try.”

“That’s rich coming from the demon who’s always hiding behind Beelzebub.”

“Why you-“

“That’s enough.” Aziraphale said sharply, giving the two a critical gaze as a parent would to a fussy child, before turning to Beelzebub. “Say what you need to and be on your way.”

“May we come in?” Beelzebub droned.

“No.” Crowley snapped. “Absolutely not.”

Kaera blinked, a popping noise in her ear, and they were no longer on the porch.

“Such generous hospitality.” Hastur’s voice came from a little ways behind her. She turned to see the two of them had appeared in the living room, sitting on the couch.

“Kaera,” Beelzebub beckoned, “come join uzz. There’s something we need to discuzz with you.”

Kaera swallowed nervously as she walked into the living room and sat down in the armchair, fighting every instinct to run away to her room and lock the door. If she just saw what they wanted, it was more likely that she would get out of this without any bloodshed. Aziraphale and Crowley followed behind her, flanking her on either side of the chair like the world’s most pathetic crime boss.

“We need to speak to her _alone_.” Hastur snarled.

“I’d prefer it if they stayed.” Kaera said, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice.

“Wot, you don’t trust us?” Hastur teased, smirking at her.

A bead of sweat rolled down Kaera’s neck as she watched his smirk grow into a grin. “Not particularly, no.”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes. “Really, Kaera. You’re too old to be needing a babysitter.”

“Don’t you dare talk to her like that.” Crowley threatened.

“If you’re not going to say what you came here for, then you can leave.” Kaera said, trying to put as much boldness as she could muster into it.

Beelzebub narrowed their eyes and slowly raised their hand to scratch their face, the gesture very similar to how they would raise their hand to slap her when she was still their prisoner. The movement brought up several unpleasant memories, causing her to flinch. Beelzebub smirked as they lowered their hand, satisfied with the knowledge that Kaera still feared them.

Crowley took a single step forward.

“Do that again, and you’ll regret it.”

Beelzebub shrugged, undeterred by the threat. “So you’re probably aware of Heaven’s plan to recruit you to their zide, correct?” The demon prince began. Kaera timidly nodded. “I hear you’ve refuzed Gabriel’z offer a few timez now.”

Kaera gulped. There was something she didn’t like in Beelzebub’s eyes. “Yes.” She said.

Beelzebub grinned. “I find that rather interezting.”

“I-I’m still not interested in your offer.” She said. She was still trying to be bold but all that emerged from her throat was a pathetic squeak.

Beelzebub chuckled. “That’z not why we’re here.” They straightened their posture, their expression suddenly becoming grim. “I wanted to give you a warning. Refuzing Gabriel anything is a very dangerous thing to do.” The wounds Kaera had gotten from her various hallucinations began to ache with phantom pain, despite the fact that they’d been healed for months now. She knew full well what came from refusing Gabriel. But she hadn’t heard anything from him in over a month now. She knew full well what came from refusing Gabriel. “He’z becoming impatient with you and if you continue to refuze, he might be forced to do something…nasty.”

“N-nasty?” Kaera stammered. Aziraphale rested a protective hand on Kaera’s shoulder.

Beelzebub sat back, resting their feet on the coffee table, causing Aziraphale to tense. “He came barging into Hell a little while ago saying he needed my assitanze. Just a few spare demonz and suppliez...” The suspicious glint was still in Beelzebub’s eyes. “…and some hellfire.”

“W-why did he need that?” Kaera asked, though she was sure she already knew the answer.”

“He said something about a weapon infused with both Heaven and Hell. Just as insurance but he also made himself very clear as to what might happen to you if you continue to be difficult.”

Kaera had to tense her whole body to keep from shivering. “What did he say after that?” She whispered.

“Dunno. Didn’t stick around to watch him making it.”

Kaera was quiet for a moment, looking at her interlocked hands. “Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to get me to accept his offer?”

“Not really. But we did want to warn you, make sure you kept an eye out for him.” They paused. “And we wanted to offer you asylum.” Their tone was saccharine, like they were trying to hide the sarcasm but was failing miserably.

“Asylum?” Kaera asked, raising an eyebrow.

“We care about your safety, Kaera.” Hastur said, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm as he reached a hand towards her.

Crowley grabbed his wrist with a firm grip. “Don’t. Touch. Her.” He growled. Hastur narrowed his eyes and pulled his hand back as Beelzebub gave him a disapproving look.

“I know how batshit Gabriel can be when it comez to getting hiz way for hiz side, so we wanted to offer you a safe place back in Hell.”

“You realize how oxymoronic that sentence is, right?” Crowley snapped.

“Why don’t you let Kaera make that decision for herself.” Hastur croaked.

“That’s what Beelzebub promised me the first time we met.” Kaera said. “And that did not go well for me at all. I have the scars on my back and the nightmares and flashbacks to prove it.” Somehow with Crowley and Aziraphale standing by her she, she was able to find a little bit of strength rather than becoming a whimpering mess. No, no she promised she wouldn’t be so hard on herself.

Beelzebub leaned forward, resting their arms on their knees and linking their fingers. “This time will be different.” They said, using that same lulling tone. “We’ve decided to give you a title and a dwelling in Hell. You’ll be left alone if you wish, or you could become more involved. We know you’re quite an intelligent girl and you could put your skills to good uze. If you wanted, we could even give you a troop of demonz to oversee. You won’t ever have to worry about Gabriel again.”

Her head began to grow heavy and that sickening floaty feeling broke all throughout her body. It sounded…nice…

No! She didn’t want this! She wouldn’t let this happen again!

She shook her head, biting her lip, before jumping to her feet.

“No!” She shouted. “I’m not falling for this again! I won’t be your prisoner. I won’t be your tool, your weapon, your puppet, your anything! You’re not going to break me!”

In one swift motion, Beelzebub was on their feet with their hand on Kaera’s throat.

“Strong wordz from someone who waz a weeping mezz-“

A hand shoved them away and pulled Kaera back. Crowley stood in front of Aziraphale as the angel pushed Kaera behind his back, his arm out in defense.

“This isn’t Hell.” Crowley snarled.”You have no authority here. And if you _dare_ put your hands on her again, I won’t hesitate to get the holy water.”

Aziraphale silently reached a hand into his coat. Kaera knew there was nothing there but Beelzebub and Hastur weren’t exactly in a position to call his bluff.

“I…I think it’s time for you to leave.” Kaera said quietly.

“Isn’t that fitting,” Hastur mocked, “the freak is only bold when she’s hiding behind other freaks.”

Kaera did her best to hide how much that comment stung but a tiny cringe still made its way across her face. “I said leave.” Kaera said, her voice closer to a growl.

Hastur was about to say something else but Beelzebub raised their hand, silencing him. “We were juzt on our way.” They said coldly. “But heed thizz. I offer you safety once and only once. Next time we meet, I won’t be so merzziful.” Kaera had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. Right, barging into her friends house, threatening her, using their hypnosis on her, and then trying to strangle her. How very merciful of them. “And I doubt the next time you see Gabriel will be all that pleazzant either.” They finally let the smirk cross over their face and Kaera’s blood went cold. That was the smirk of someone who had been holding a winning hand close to their chest, someone who knew which goblet was poisoned, who knew _exactly_ what was going on.

“What do you mean by that? What is he planning?”

The smirk grew, stretching until it was a full on grin. Beelzebub, prince of Hell, Lord of the Flies, was smiling. They did not smile. They were never happy. So on the off chance that hey did smile, something absolutely terrible was going to happen.

She only saw the smile fir a few seconds before they and Hastur were gone in the blink of an eye.

All three of them let out a heavy breath as Kaera sank back down into the armchair. Aziraphale went out to the kitchen as Crowley began angrily pacing and muttering to himself. Within five minutes, Aziraphale had returned with three mugs of tea. As soon as Crowley had his mug in his hands, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask, pouring some amber liquid into it.

“The nerve of them.” Aziraphale balked, giving Kaera her mug.

“They’re demons.” Crowley spat as he lowered himself onto the sofa. “Standard is kind of a foreign concept to them.”

Aziraphale sat on the sofa next to his partner, giving him a quick kiss on the temple before turning to Kaera.

“Are you alright, my dear?”

Kaera took a breath. “Mentally, or physically?”

“Either.”

She sighed. “Physically, my throat hurts a little and my back is a bit sore, but for the most part, I’m okay. Mentally,” she gave them a weak smile and sighed again, “today was going so well.”

“I’m just glad they’re gone.” Aziraphale said, taking a sip of his tea.

“You heard what Beelzebub said, didn’t you?” Kaera murmured. “Next time we meet won’t be so pleasant.”

“Well… perhaps you may not see them again…”

Crowley and Kaera both gave him a look. He was optimistic, Kaera would give him that. But they all knew it was a matter of time.

Kaera looked down at the mug in her hands studying her reflection in the clear, golden brown pool. Most of what they had said to her had been threats, but her mind kept reeling back to their warning and their offer. A quiver broke through her.

“Did I make the wrong choice?” She asked quietly. “Should I have accepted?”

“No.” Crowley said flatly. “It may have sounded like a good idea but Beelzebub is a master tempter. They could sell you a dead rat and make you think you got a good deal. Whenever they promise you anything, you can be certain it’s nothing but a twist of the truth.”

“I know that.” Kaera said. “I know I can’t believe anything they tell me. But I at least know what I’d be signing up for. And if I picked a side, maybe Gabriel would back off. Or I’d at least be hidden from him.”

“Not necessarily.” Aziraphale piped up. “For all we know, they could have been working together and that was a trap you just avoided.”

“Wouldn’t put it past him, bloody wanker.” Crowley mumbled.

Kaera went back to staring at her rippling reflection in the tea, a morose look on her face.

“Kaera?” Aziraphale asked softly.

“What is Gabriel planning?” She burst. Both looked taken aback by the sudden raise in her voice. “I thought I had his plan figured out. I thought he was patient enough to wait until I gave in. I thought we had a little more time to try and figure something out. Hell, for a second there, I thought that he might have given up. How many surprises is he going to pull on us?” Her voice was loud but Crowley and Aziraphale could hear just how tired it was. She was almost certain that if she was human, her hair would be gray by this point. Her arms trembled as she clutched her tea. “What is he going to use that weapon for?” She asked. “Is it really just insurance or does he have something else in mind?” From the way Beelzebub phrased it, they all knew it was most likely the latter.

“I don’t know, love. I don’t know.” Aziraphale said. All three of them let out a heavy sigh.

Something cold worked its way through Kaera’s body, like somebody had shoved and icicle down her throat and it as slowly melting all through her system, into her blood, through her heart and up to her brain.

She looked up at them, utter fear in her eyes. “I could be dead by next week.” She breathed.

Crowley’s eyes widened and Aziraphale went pale.

Something passed through the room in that moment. Something heavy and dense. Not a shadow, but the essence of one, plunging all of them into the dark of their own minds. They felt if they moved a single muscle, that delicate but still heavy sentence would become true.

Kaera was not a stranger to this feeling. Not completely at least. During those many years she believed she was human, she was aware that her life was something fragile that could be ended at any moment, that one wrong step could send her to her maker. That thought always frightened her but it never surprised her. Death was just another part of existence.

But when she learned that she wasn’t human, that she wouldn’t die, her world was tipped on its head. She wasn’t happy per se, but once the shock had worn off, she had begun to slowly get used to the idea that she wasn’t going to die. She was saddened at the thought that she would outlive the people she knew and would have to watch the world change and adapt without her, but she also knew she wouldn’t be the only one who would have that experience. And when she learned that she wouldn’t have to worry about eternity in Heaven or Hell after death, she was relieve.

Now her world had turned on its head again.

Gabriel had a weapon of both Heaven and Hell? One could injure her. Both could destroy her.

Her thoughts turned to Ligur, the demon Crowley had told her about who had been on the receiving end of a bucket of holy water. Where was he? Would she go to the same place? Was there even a place to go or would her existence just drift off into the air like scattered dandelion seeds?

Once again she was struck with that fear that any second could be her last. More now than ever. When she believed she was human, she didn’t have a hit on her head. She didn’t have to worry about demons following her around until she turned eighteen when the wards her parents put on her had worn off. Now she had an Archangel planning to possibly kill her. And though her body was resilient and stronger than a human body it still wouldn’t be able to stand up to a weapon of holy water and hellfire.

She looked back up at her friends, absolute fear on her face.

“What are we going to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I'm a day late. My bad. I never got the chance to type this up yesterday (the chapter was already written in a notebook but I needed to put it on my computer).  
> Things on my end are pretty good. I'm starting a winter class on Monday that's focused on songwriting which I'm really excited about and I'm generally feeling pretty happy. Some friends of mine and I (including my awesome beta [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) ) are putting together a D&D campaign and my session 0 was this afternoon and it was a lot of fun.  
> Anyway I hope you liked that chapter. Kaera's in a bit over her head isn't she? If you enjoyed it, kudos and comments are always appreciated and always make me feel loved. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	63. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mild PTSD/mentions of PTSD, and very toxic and backwards thinking

Beelzebub’s visit and warning weighed heavily on Kaera all throughout the next week. She would still engage as much as she usually did either with Crowley and Aziraphale or with her coworkers and customers, but if someone who knew Kaera well looked closely at her, they would be able to tell that there was something distressing going on in her mind. Her tendency to fidget had grown substantially since Beelzebub had barged in, any moment would find her either worrying at her fingers, aggressively twisting a strand of hair, or bouncing her leg at a rapid and almost concerning pace. It wasn’t just the usual restless state her body found itself in, nor was it solely nerves. Her mind was running wild at the possibilities that Gabriel had in store for her and it was working itself at such a feverish pace, her body had to go into overdrive just to keep up.

It was just as distressing for Crowley and Aziraphale. They had asked numerous times if there was anything they could do to help her calm down but the only thing that would settle her mind was answers.

She didn’t blame them though. It wasn’t their fault. If anything, she was a little tempted to try and leave again. They didn’t deserve this kind of shit in their lives, they’d just gotten through something rough less than a year ago and cut ties with their bosses, they didn’t need her dragging them back into the fray.

But with most things, she stayed quiet about everything going on in her mind and she figured she was doing a fairly decent job of hiding it. Then again, she was usually horrible at hiding what she really felt and Crowley and Aziraphale were both aware of this so they likely were just keeping mum to not make her uncomfortable.

It wasn’t that she was scared. Well that was a lie, of course she was scared, she was bloody terrified, but it mostly stemmed from restless uncertainty rather than genuine horror. That was what made Gabriel so dangerous, you never knew exactly what direction he was going to take. So once again she was stuck with a “wait and see” strategy, and everyone in the cottage knew just how well that worked out the first time.

The only relief Kaera got was when she slept. She still had the occasional nightmare of Hell but those were becoming less frequent as more time passed, so if she didn’t dream about Hell, she didn’t dream of anything period, which was nice. Just eight (if she could manage it) hours of total unconsciousness where she didn’t have to fear, worry, or think. It was great. Before she’d found Aziraphale and Crowley, she didn’t sleep at all. She didn’t need it so she didn’t do it. Now she had no idea how she survived without it.

Which is why she was so disappointed one night when she opened her eyes not to her bedroom but an unfamiliar gray area. Saying it was a room felt too constrictive but she definitely wasn’t outside. There was nothing but swirling mist and gray space all around her. This wasn’t Hell, but she was certain it was a dream (and the fact that she was so aware of it concerned her) so what was happening?

“I’ll make this brief.” A cold voice said. Damn it damn it damn it. Why?

Kaera turned and was faced with Gabriel, his posture straight and his hands behind his back. He meant business, so Kaera was certain this wouldn’t end well.

She raised her fists. “If you come any closer I’ll-”

Gabriel snapped his fingers, cutting her off. Her arms snapped to her sides and her legs stuck together, her entire body straight and rigid as a pencil. Her lips felt like they’d been glued together and no amount of mental focus or muscular flexing could get any part of her body to move.

“That’s better. This’ll be easier for both of us if you just keep your mouth shut until I’ve finished talking.” Gabriel said, though there was still a scowl on his face. “As I said, I’ll make this brief.” Kaera narrowed her eyes. “Normally, I consider myself a patient angel. I can grant people the time they need to see the light.” If she had full control of her body, Kaera would have scoffed. “I am flexible and willing to compromise on what people think they want or need before they realize I’m right. I have waited countless years in some cases just for one person to agree to my offer or even to meet me half way.”

 _For the love of all things holy and unholy, just get_ on _with it_. Kaera thought, fearing her head might explode with all the rubbish Gabriel was shoving into her ears.

“However,” he continued, “this little act of yours has gone on long enough. I’ve let you have your precious little game for over five weeks now and as long as you are still unassociated with either Heaven or Hell, you pose a threat, not just to us but to everyone. So I’m going to extend my offer to you one final time.” Gabriel snapped his fingers and Kaera’s limbs loosened. “Will you or will you not come with me and join the Heavenly Host?”

“Why is it so important to you that I give you a yes?” Kaera asked bitterly. “Why not just kidnap me and force me to do your bidding like Beelzebub tried to do?”

Gabriel looked down his nose at her. “Because Heaven has standards. Forcing someone into a position against their will is wrong. It’s not what the Almighty stands for. It’s just not the way things are done.”

“And coercing someone into saying yes isn’t the same as forcing them?”

“Obviously. A yes is a yes, is it not?” He answered. “If we’re the ones doing the right thing, then we should strive to bring everyone around us in, however some,” he gestured towards her, “require more time and convincing than others.”

Kaera thought she’d actually burst from the stupidity of it. “That’s the most backwards logic I’ve ever heard.”

“To you maybe, and I wouldn’t expect you to understand the logic of something holy, since only half of you is angelic. But in time you’ll come to understand.”

Kaera raised and eyebrow, something still weighing on her mind. “What would you say if I told you I’d decided to join Beelzebub?” She asked warily.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “That wasn’t the story they told me.”

“Hypothetically, what if I had?”

Gabriel huffed. “I’d tell you you made a very stupid decision and that your potential was being wasted but I’d leave you to your consequences.”

“So you prefer me being an agent of Hell to me just living my own damn life?”

“Obviously.” He said. “At least if you’re under Hell’s employ, someone can keep an eye on you and keep you in check.”

“Keep me in check?” Kaera asked. “What do you mean?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes again. “If you’re so clever, figure it out yourself. But neither of us are leaving until you give me an answer.”

Kaera took a few breaths to keep herself from getting too angry to even function properly. “I’m going to give you the exact same answer I’ve given you for weeks. The same answer I gave you from the beginning and the same answer I’ll give you every time you ask me this bloody question. My answer is no. I’m not going to be your tool or anything. I don’t care if you want to keep me under control or harness my powers, I don’t even care if you want just want to use me for my recipe for shepherd’s pie! I’m telling you no and that is what I’ll always tell you so the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can move on with our lives!”

Gabriel was silent as he listened to her rant, his hands still folded behind his back and he breathed heavily when she was finished, as if he were an overtired parent who had seen enough of his child’s tantrums.

“You’re certain this is what you want?” He asked casually.

“More than certain.” Kaera answered, narrowing her eyes again.

Gabriel sighed for a third time as he approached Kaera.

“I was afraid you would say that.” He said. “Well, I’ve enjoyed our little tryst, but playtime is over.” In one swift motion, he grabbed her by the neck. Even if it was just a dream, Kaera could still feel the pain and tightness in her throat. “The next time we meet won’t be under such friendly terms and I can assure you, things will get very ugly.” Kaera’s vision began to swim and she was growing dizzy. “I warned you.”

Before she could lose any more oxygen, her eyes snapped open and she was back in her bedroom, breathing heavily and trembling. Gabriel’s words wouldn’t stop echoing in her mind.

“Things will get very ugly.”

She was a hazard, a danger. Everyone around her was at risk of being in the blast zone when Gabriel made his next attack. He was likely still pissed at Crowley and Aziraphale (especially Aziraphale) for their part in the failed apocalypse and if they were seen around her, they’d be hurt or worse. She couldn’t let that happen.

As quietly as she could, Kaera scrambled out of bed and changed into a pair of jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt before she pulled her suitcase from under the bed, gathered her clothes from the wardrobe and shoved everything into the case before closing it and tugging on her jumper and shoes. This time she was at least a little prepared for running away and didn’t go scurrying out into the night with no shoes or coat.

A tremble worked its way through her body as the memory passed through her mind but she shoved it down with every other unimportant thing in the moment as she crept down the stairs. With a snap of her fingers, there was a note sitting on the coffee table.

_You’re not safe as long as I’m here._

_I’m sorry. Thank you for everything_

_Don’t come looking for me_

_-Kaera_

With a bit of a pain passing through her heart, Kaera picked up her suitcase and made her way out the door. That was that then.

A bit of an anxious twinge came from her chest, spreading out from her pendant.

“Don’t try to change my mind.” She hissed. The feeling persisted but there was also a touch of warmth coming to it, like someone kind was sitting next to her, asking her to talk to them. She sighed. “I can’t let them be hurt. I’ve already brought them too much trouble and I won’t let them be hurt anymore.” The feeling faded a little to a sad but still kind warmth. Kaera bit her lip and ignored the urge to run back inside as she walked down the path.

Maybe she could catch a bus to somewhere far away and secluded and rent a cottage in an unpopulated area. If worse did come to worse and Gabriel tracked her down again, at least no one would be hurt.

She looked around the garden, the flowers still blooming strong and beautiful even after recovering from the winter frost. Crowley was no doubt proud. She hadn’t even asked him how his flowers were doing since she’d returned from Hell. Jeez she was selfish, couldn’t even stop thinking of herself for five bloody minutes to ask Crowley how his plants were doing. She passed by the hydrangea bush on her way down the walk, thinking back to several months ago when she was barely conscious curled up under that bush. Aziraphale had comforted her while she was barely alive, assuring her that she would be okay and he wouldn’t harm her. He was always too kind to her, she didn’t deserve his care.

She let out a pained sigh as she gripped her suitcase and continued down the path to the road when a voice from behind stopped her.

“Kaera? What the hell are you doing?”

Kaera cringed as she turned around and found Crowley and Aziraphale, both still in their pajamas, looking at her. Aziraphale had her note in his hands and there was a look of fear and worry on his face. Crowley just looked confused.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“You need to stay away from me.” She warned. “You’re both in danger the longer I stay here. I need to keep away from you so you don’t get hurt.”

Aziraphale approached her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Do you actually want to leave? If you do, we’ll support you, but if you don’t, then you shouldn’t have to.” His face was sincere and his voice was kind. Damn it why did he always have to do this?! He was just making her feel worse!

She hung her head like a child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “No.” She admitted. “No I don’t want to leave. But I don’t have any other choice. You guys have been hurt and put at risk too many times just by being close to me. And I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you!”

Aziraphale listened as she went off, a sympathetic expression on his round face. “Why don’t you come back inside so we can talk about this? It’s rather awkward to have a conversation this heavy in the front yard. “

Kaera reluctantly nodded and picked up her suitcase, following the two of them back inside. If she were in her right mind, she would have said no and just buggered off before they could stop her. But she wanted to stay. Her stupid emotional brain wouldn’t think straight and she wanted to stay at the cottage where it was comforting and safe. But that was just the thing. It wasn’t safe anymore. At least it wasn’t for her. And it it wasn’t safe for her it wasn’t safe for her friends either so if she could try and protect them…but she was selfish. She wanted to keep feeling safe and loved for as long as she could.

The three of them silently walked into the living room, sitting down either on the couch or in one of the armchairs. It was quiet for a long time, none of them really knew what to say. Finally, Crowley cleared his throat and spoke.

“So Gabriel’s been bugging you again?” He asked.

Kaera nodded. “I just had a dream, well I don’t know if dream is the right word to use, more like he was communicating with me…while I was asleep…that makes no sense.” She sighed, running her hand through her hair. “Anyway, he said he’d give me one more chance to come around and accept either his offer or Beelzebub’s. Once again, I refused and…” she sighed, “he said that things would get ugly. Then he strangled me.”

Aziraphale brought a hand to his mouth, going a bit pale before he moved from his armchair to sit next to Kaera.

“So that’s why I need to stay away from you.” She said. “As long as I stay with you, you’re in danger. I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“Your concern for us is touching, but I assure you, we are capable of taking care of ourselves.” Aziraphale said.

“You can’t promise that.” Kaera argued. “Gabriel is powerful and he can wipe you two out in a heartbeat. He might not destroy you but he could easily discorporate you and then you’ll both be trapped. They’re not going to give you new bodies, I can tell you that much. It’s me that he wants and he doesn’t care who he has to plow through in order to get me. I don’t want to lose you two.” She put her head in her hands. “You two are the only close friends I’ve ever made in my life. I’d never forgive myself if either of you were hurt because of me.”

Aziraphale’s warm hand settled on her back, rubbing gentle circles into her jumper. “We are well aware of the danger, my dear. But that doesn’t mean we’re going to let you face this alone.” He said, his voice soft.

Kaera sat up, looking at the angel. “I don’t want to lose you.” She whispered, looking from him to Crowley. “Either of you. I…I can’t even think…fuck…” she couldn’t even finish the bloody sentence, she was so scared. Aziraphale pulled her into a gentle embrace as Crowley stood from his chair and sat down on the empty spot on the couch, patting her shoulder.

“You’re not going to lose us, love.” Aziraphale soothed.

“You can’t promise that.” Kaera whispered again.

“Perhaps not.” Aziraphale said. “But we can promise that we’re not going to let you go through this by yourself. Gabriel is a right git for what he’s put you through and if you think we’re going to stand by and let you suffer, you’re dead wrong.”

“We’re tougher than we look, kid.” Crowley said. Kaera gave them a weak smile, but it faded quickly. “Kaera, we’ve gone through six thousand years of human history. We fooled both Heaven and Hell multiple times. We’ve been through loads of shit and gotten through it. Hell, I could try and list all the times this idiot almost got himself killed if it hadn’t been for me.” Aziraphale shot Crowley a look and Kaera chuckled. “But we still got through it.”

“You forget that you’re both idiots.” Kaera said, a bit of her sarcastic edge coming back to her.

“First of all, watch it.” Crowley pretended to scold. “Second of all, don’t give Aziraphale that much credit, I’m the dumb one in this duo.” Kaera chuckled again.

“Darling, you forget yourself.” Aziraphale joked. “We’re two halves of a whole fool.” Kaera laughed a little stronger this time.

“Third of all,” Crowley went on, “yes we may be idiots, even put together, but that doesn’t mean we don’t know how to get out of a jam. We just may not find the smartest way out.” He put his hand on Kaera’s shoulder. “But we still find a way out. We’re here for you. We’ll help you through.”

Kaera sighed, still not believing them, but she figured it was better to be comforted by something you didn’t believe for just a little before letting reality back in.

She knew she wasn’t going to sleep again any time soon and Crowley and Aziraphale gladly stayed up the rest of the night with her playing cards and talking and drinking tea. She hoped that she was just being paranoid and that things were going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I hope you guys have had a good week. I started my winter term songwriting class this week and even though it's a really long class (three hours every weekday, no class on holidays, but that's expected since they're trying to cram a whole semester of work into two weeks) it's also a lot of fun. I wrote my first song this week and while it's not as polished as I'd like it to be, I'm still proud I did something  
> Anyway, I hope you liked that chapter. If you did, comments and kudos are so much appreciated. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	64. Flying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Discussions of PTSD, mild panic attack, and major character death

Kaera couldn’t help staring out the window that afternoon. She’d seated herself on the couch to finish one of her drawings, but her eyes kept moving towards the sky. Spring had now drifted into early summer, the gentle breezes of May warming the countryside, so the birds had long since returned from migration, and Kaera would often find herself watching them as they flew.

Aziraphale had noticed the girl gazing out at the birds as they lazily swooped or franticly flapped across the sky and the longing expression on her face for quite some time now. Even if Kaera wasn’t aware of the wistful expression she was sporting, he certainly was.

“Something on your mind, Kaera?” He asked as he sat down on the sofa next to her, a book tucked in his hands.

Kaera glanced at him and sighed. “Just like watching the birds. Dunno why. It’s a recent discovery. But there’s just something peaceful and calming about watching them freely fall from the sky and gracefully land on the ground. And when they’re up there they just look so…free. They don’t need to worry about anything. They can just fly and be themselves.”

Aziraphale sensed more than a little longing and even a bit of jealousy in her words as she said it. Everything had taken a toll on her and she was still keeping everything in. She had gotten much better at talking about when she was distressed or upset and was so much better about seeking support and comfort and he was so proud of the progress she’d made. But there would still be times when she would keep to herself, and this seemed to be one of those times. Aziraphale sadly twisted his ring, the carved wings sending a glint across his hand and an idea came to his mind.

“This Saturday is supposed to be quite a lovely day. What’s say we go for a fly?”

Kaera turned back to him. “Really? You think I’m ready?”

“You’ve been ready for nearly a month now.” Aziraphale answered. “Besides, it might get your mind off…things.”

Kaera’s face fell and she looked out the window again before looking back at Aziraphale. “Okay, let’s do it.”

* * * * *

It was barely dawn. The sun was just beginning to peek over the tree line. The day would be pleasantly warm later on, but as of right now, it was quite chilly. Even with her flannel, jumper, and jacket, Kaera was shivering slightly. And this was how it was on the ground. It was going to be much colder up in the air.

Kaera looked up at the sky. The discussion with Beelzebub and foreboding dream from Gabriel the week prior still weighed heavily on her mind. Every time she had an idle moment, her mind would wander to their warning and what they had planned for her. She had done her best to keep herself busy and distracted, but sometimes, they would creep in.

She sighed, shaking off her thoughts and she looked up into the clear blue sky, dotted with a few stray clouds.

“Are you sure I’m ready?” She asked.

“Is anyone ever ready for anything?” Crowley answered with his own question. Kaera rolled her eyes.

“What he means is the only way to really determine if you’re ready is to just dive in and give it a try.” Aziraphale said, summoning his wings, rolling his shoulders, and stretching his neck. “Besides, you aren’t alone. If you don’t think you can do it, just say so and we’ll help you back to the ground.”

Kaera nodded as Crowley summoned his own wings.

“Think you can take off on your own?”

“I think so.” She answered nervously.

Crowley smirked and flexed his wings, stretching them out and pushing them down, launching himself into the air. Aziraphale rolled his eyes.

“Always the showoff.” He said with a bit of a chuckle. The angel pushed his wings down as well and began to gracefully rise from the ground with each gentle flap. Kaera watched as they rose higher into the sky, circling each other in a graceful dance. Aziraphale reached out his hand and Crowley took hold of it, flying into Aziraphale and grabbing him by the waist, holding him protectively, lovingly. They were too far up for Kaera to hear anything, but she could see the laugh emerging from Aziraphale.

Crowley had his wings spread all the way out, letting the wind keep him aloft as he held his partner close. Aziraphale looked down to Kaera on the ground and waved to her, beckoning her up.

Kaera took a few breaths before summoning her wings, letting her mind settle and her heart slow as the panic threatened to grip her. She sunk to her knees and held one hand flat, letting the chilly breeze pass over her skin. Her other hand went to the ground, her fingers running over the damp, cool grass. A squirrel ran from tree to tree, the branches clacking against each other, which Kaera’s mind mistook for a demonic snarl. She flinched, closing her eyes tight as she took a few deep breaths. Slowly, she came back to the present and shakily rose to her feet, wiping the sweat from her forehead. She looked back up to the two winged beings in the sky. Both were looking down at her and she offered them a wave, letting them know she was fine.

She rolled her shoulders and took a running start. As she leapt into the air, she stretched out her wings and slammed them down. Her feet skimmed the ground as she slowly began to rise. The movements of her wings were erratic and clunky but she began to gradually go higher and higher, with the occasional stumble. She did her best to do the movements Aziraphale taught her, slow and graceful, but her nerves took over for a few moments, going back to quick and awkward, especially when she saw how high she was. A quick jolt passed through her body and her wings froze.

She fell for a few seconds before a hand gripped her wrist.

“Come now, there’s no need for that.” Aziraphale said. “We won’t let you fall.” Another hand took hold of her other wrist and the two began to beat their wings, pulling her further into the sky. “Flatten your wings!” Aziraphale called over the wing. Kaera obeyed and the air began to hold her up as well. Her body was light, floating just over the breeze. “We can stay like this if you’d like to. If you want to try flying on your own, just say so and we’ll let you go.” Kaera nodded.

The sun was warm on her back and face. The air was cold but not biting and unbearable like she’d expected. In fact, with the sun so close, it felt almost pleasant.

Her vision went white, puffs of vapor floating by her face. She looked to her left and right, Crowley and Aziraphale were still by her side bu the bits of fog and vapor partly hid them from view. Just as quick as it came, it ended, the cloud rolling by behind them, leaving Kaera’s clothes and face damp.

They flew higher and higher, leaving the earth far behind them. The in between of it all somehow made Kaera feel just as free as she thought the birds felt. She wasn’t trapped by the taboos of earth, she was too high to be in reach of Hell and too low to be accessed by Heaven (she knew that neither of them were in the metaphysical plane, they were somewhere other than earth but years of living among humans had given her the same mental image of Heaven and Hell as being above and below everything). She was flying far away and they’d have to catch her if they wanted her. The thought made a smirk spread across her face and the smirk quickly bloomed into a smile. This was her world, up here among the clouds, flying along with the breeze. She was free up here. Her wings gave an involuntary little twitch and quiver at the thought.

A bit of boldness came to her, sending a determined tightness through the muscles in her arms and back. She wanted to soar. She wanted to ride the wind on her own, let her wings carry her away.

“Let me go!” She called. Aziraphale looked to Crowley, making sure they’d both heard her request. The demon nodded and they let go of her wrists. She fell for a brief moment but with a quick beat of her wings, she was back on level with them. She looked between them. Aziraphale boded encouragingly and she gave her wings another might flap, rising a bit higher. With a twist of her shoulders, her wings narrowed and flattened, letting the wind carry her forward. She was still a little unsteady, but her wings were strong and the boldness was beginning to grow in her the more she flew.

Directly below her was another cloud. With a tentative hand, she reached down, letting her fingers skim along the cold fluff. The vapor followed the trail her hand carved for it, a thin silver tail flowed along with it, pulling from the thick cloud.

The breeze wove between her primaries and ruffled her hair, which had fallen from the loose tail she’d tied up and was whipping behind her life a dirty blonde waterfall.

She wanted to go higher, she wanted to dance in the sky. Her body angled upwards and she flew higher, bursting through another cloud. The sun felt so close it seemed like she could almost touch it. When she’d gone as high as she desired, she folded her wings into her body, falling backwards and into a headfirst dive. After a few seconds, she opened her wings, angling them out in a twist, sending her body down in a spinning corkscrew. Two figures flashed into her vision before going out of it again, she must have passed by Crowley and Aziraphale. After a few more seconds of falling, her wings burst out again, catching her before she gave them another might pulse, shooting her back upwards.

This was fantastic! It was the most free she’d ever felt in her life. She felt light, like she could float away on a sunbeam.

She looked over to see Crowley and Azirpahale flying in a way that looked halfway between a dance and a race. With another beat of her wings, she flew towards them.

It all came so naturally to her, it had been locked away in her for so long, but flying was a part of her, who she was. This was her nature.

Everything seemed so far away. All her troubles, her worries, the threats to her life, all of it was out of her mind. It was all back on the ground where she’d left it. Here, she was free.

She flew towards Crowley and Aziraphale, zipping past them and doing a quick spin, her right wing angled downward. With a quick twist, she was on her back, gliding upside down.

Something was bubbling inside her, a light airy feeling was working its way up her throat. It came bursting out in a loud, hearty laugh. It had seemed like ages since she’d laughed, since she felt genuinely happy. But up in the clouds, with just her and her friends, she felt like she could let go. She could just…be.

Crowley flew alongside her, a smirk on his lips as well.

“Calm down there, Icarus!” He called. “Don’t tire yourself out!”

“You’re no fun!” She called back.

Crowley rolled his eyes as he veered off back towards Aziraphale.

In truth, Kaera _was_ getting a little tired. She’d only been flying for perhaps twenty minutes, but she had to remind herself that even thought flying felt so natural, it was still new to her. She longed to stay up in the sky for a little longer, but she had to pace herself.

With a beat of her wings, she was back beside them.

“I’m going to land and take a breather.”

“What happened to ‘you’re no fun’?” Crowley teased.

“Shuttup.” She said with a smirk. “I should be back in about ten minutes.”

Aziraphale nodded and she pulled her wings inward, beginning her descent. The ground slowly came into view again and within no time, she was standing back on the ground. Her legs were shaking from the adrenaline, her back and wings were a little sore and heavy, and she was really thirsty, but she was happy.

She tucked her wings away, giving them a rest as she stretched her back and arms, letting the cracks and satisfying pops work their way through her body. She should have stretched before taking off, a note for next time.

A rustle sounded from behind her. Her ears perked and tuned. A familiar presence struck her system, one she hadn’t felt for a long time.

Before she could register what was going on or even dedicate any energy to being afraid, a horrible, blinding pain erupted in her stomach. A strong arm had wrapped around her shoulders and was pressing into her throat. She tried to scream or use some kind of miracle to send a message to Crowley or Aziraphale but the pain was dizzying and the arm was crushing her neck. The blade in her stomach twisted and the world began to grow fuzzy. Splotches of color danced across her vision and her knees buckled. There was a hum in her ears as she fell to the ground and she could feel every ounce of energy seeping from her.

She was dying.

No! No! NO!

It couldn’t end like this! She couldn’t let go!

She clung to life with everything she had left, holding to it until her knuckles were white and her fingers bled.

“That didn’t kill you?” A familiar voice said. “Shame. I tried to make it quick.” The smugness in the voice told her that whoever was talking was lying.

A hand gripped her shoulder and she was rolled onto her back. Far above her, Crowley and Aziraphale were still flying, circling each other and perfectly unaware of what was happening below them.

The knife was pulled from her stomach and she didn’t even have the energy to scream. The hum in her ears grew louder and she was so tired. So, so, so tired.

A coldness pressed against her neck before being quickly pulled away, a sharp pain and a rush of blood following. Spurts and gurgles burst from her mouth and she was forced to let go, the last drop of life slipping through her fingers. The last thing she saw before she died was a familiar smug look and sharp purple eyes. Then everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the end of the fic, ( no it's not I'd never do that to you). Sorry this is a day late, but of course yesterday was Christmas and I spent the whole day with my family. I had a very lovely Christmas and got so many books, including the first volume of _Sandman_ which I spent all day today reading, and my brother gave me a t-shirt with a picture of the flaming Bentley with the caption "Get in loser, we're averting the apocalypse" and his girlfriend gave me an "AZ Fell and Co. Unusual and Antique Books" tote bag. Perhaps the most appropriate gift was a bracelet that simply says "ineffable" from my parents. And then we ate dinner and played games all night.  
> Anyway, so yeah Kaera's dead. Sorry. It won't be permanent, don't worry. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. If you did, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for being my amazing beta. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	65. Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Physical abuse, PTSD, violent mutilation, mentions of death and violence, and blood

There was no pain. That’s how she could tell she was dead. No pain, no sensation of touch, no cold, no heat, no anything. She was just…there. It felt liked she was floating but grounded at the same time. Was this what it was like to not have a body?

She opened her eyes and all she saw was a gray abyss, swirling with mist. It wasn’t Heaven, Hell, or the Aether. She didn’t recognize the aura of this place at all, yet she was still sure she had seen it before, though she wasn’t sure where. Wait a moment, this was where she met with Gabriel in her dream a few days ago. Did that mean…bollocks.

“Nice of you to join me.” A bored voice sounded.

Kaera jolted to her feet and spun around. Gabriel stood before her, his hands behind his back and the usual condescending smirk on his face. Despite herself and despite the brave front she was trying to put on, Kaera could feel her knees trembling.

“Where am I? What have you done to me? What is this place?” She asked sharply, her arms raised in defense. Gabriel was wearing a different belt than he usually was and a long gray jacket that was covering something, but behind a flap of fabric, Kaera could see a gleaming bronze hilt.

Gabriel tutted as he began to pace around Kaera like a hyena. “Always so hostile. And so impatient.”  
Kaera wanted to tell him that she had plenty of reason to be hostile around him, but didn’t want to provoke him. Something seemed off. There was an aggression in his eyes hidden under the uppity gleam.

“Well, to answer your question,” he continued, “where in what we call the in between. It’s a place that only the highest ranking ethereal and occult forces have access to, and it was constructed on the off chance any of us needed to meet in a neutral area for any kind of negotiation or deals.” He scoffed. “I wonder if the traitors knew about this place, that they’d meet here for impure purposes.” Kaera clenched her fists but said nothing, not wanting to give way to the boiling rage in her chest when she was clearly at the disadvantage in a fight. “Only appropriate that you’re sent here when you discorporate.” Gabriel mocked. “This place belongs to neither Heaven or Hell. And you’re an abomination that doesn’t associate with either.”

Kaera was about to start yelling in rage when she stopped herself and took a breath. “Funny you say only the highest ranking can access this place. Last I checked, archangels were among the second lowest.” She was certain that Crowley would have been beyond proud to have heard that if he were present.

Gabriel was angry but still took the insult in stride. “There are capital A Archangels and regular archangels. The seven capital ones such as myself, Uriel, Michael and Sandalphon were moved up ranks but kept the name, overseeing other angels such as principalities, cherubs and regular archangels. However I don’t fault you for not knowing that. You would be ignorant to our ways with your upbringing and bloodline.”

Kaera smirked. “How kind of the Almighty to give you a higher ranking just for you. Though I’m pretty sure She only did it because you would have thrown a tantrum if you didn’t get any kind of authority.”

The angry spark in the Archangel’s eyes fanned into a flame but he continued pacing. Kaera knew provoking him was the stupidest thing she could do but if he was too angry to focus, he might get sloppy, which would give her the upper hand if he tried to attack.

“Yes, quite funny.” Gabriel said flatly. “You’re always so witty and quick. So obstinate, so content to keep being a stubborn, disobedient brat who just loves to keep me on the hook and keep me waiting.” A finger snapped and Kaera could suddenly feel sensation return to her only for a foot to come in contact with her back, sending her face first into the floor. An enormous ache ran all up her spine and her wrists where she’d landed on them. “Well perhaps I’ve run out of patience.”

Two hands firmly pulled her arms behind her back and began to tie them with a thick woven rope.

“What are you doing?” Kaera half yelped.

“You might want to keep still for me. I don’t want this to hurt.” Gabriel instructed as he pulled her feet together, tying them tightly as well. “Oh who am I kidding, it’ll hurt either way.” He chirped.

Kaera began to struggle, the ropes roughly rubbing at the marks from the shackles scarred into her wrists and ankles. Debilitating fear coursed through her and she continued to struggle until something sharp pressed into her back, stilling any further attempt at escaped.

“Now, now. None of that.” Gabriel said, the slight chipper lilt in his voice told Kaera that he was beginning to get very eager about what was coming next, which only made Kaera fear even more and her struggles started up again but the ropes simply wouldn’t budge. The sharp object pressed harder into her back, causing a small rip through her jacket and even into her jumper, pressing through to her shirt. “I said keep still, _freak_.” Gabriel snapped. The familiar phrase that repeated itself many times through her nightmares and flashbacks made her freeze, only the occasional tremor would come from her. “That’s better. Not so hard, was it?” Gabriel said, feigning affection or comfort. The sound of the false saccharine praise in his voice made Kaera want to vomit and she likely would have if she weren’t absolutely frozen in fear.

The tip of the sharp object slipped under her shirt and pulled upwards, tearing every bit of clothing on her back, the air and mist brushing against her skin.

“Why don’t you summon those wings of yours?” Gabriel said.

Kaera’s eyes widened and she began to thrash and struggle again, shouting wildly. “No! NO! Not that! Please anything but that!”

The tip of the sword pressed against her back and into her skin again, sending a burning sting all through her skin. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me.” Gabriel snapped. He pressed the sharp blade further into her back, breaking the skin and drawing blood causing a high pitched yelp to burst from Kaera. “Summon. Your. Wings.” Kaera whimpered again, still refusing to summon them. The blade pressed even harder than before, digging into her muscles. “Summon them now before I rip them out myself!”

With a cry of fear and a wince, Kaera’s soft gray wings burst forth. A harsh hand grabbed at the base of her wing while a heavy body straddled her legs, keeping her firmly in place. A sharp sting spring from up her left shoulder and the rustle of a hand going into a pocket briefly distracted her from the fear, then another sting followed. Was he going to pluck her one feather at a time? His hand gave her wing a painful squeeze.

“Heed this warning.” Gabriel snapped. “I don’t like to be kept waiting.”

The most intense pain Kaera had ever experienced in her life exploded on her back as something cold yet burning sawed through the delicate joint and tendon. The horrid sounds of flesh being torn and squelches of blood gushing from the wounds echoed all around the empty chamber only drowned by her loud, pained screams. The burning sting from earlier had graduated to a burning, raging fire and it was running all throughout her body. Her screams echoed, erupting from her throat until she was hoarse. By the time the blade lifted from the left part of her back and moved on to her right, her voice was nothing more than a pathetic, raspy screech.

“It’s useless to scream, you know.” Gabriel said as he worked. “There’s nobody here but us.”

A second burning pain burst over her back, causing more screams to come from her. Even when the sawing and slicing ceased, the pain continued, growing even worse as the wounds faced the open air. A weakness wormed its way through her body with a writhing sensation coming alive under her skin. The mark of a celestial injury. It was much less potent than it felt the first time and it wasn’t sapping her energy away, it must have been weakened by something. But it was still writhing and pulsing as gush after gush of blood burst from the wounds.Her screams weakened to cries, tears pouring down her cheeks.

 _Somebody,_ anybody _make the pain stop._

Gabriel lifted himself from her legs, no longer straddling her and the involuntary tremors that had been suppressed by his weight shook her body in full force and every little movement was utter agony. Even the sobs that caused her body to twitch would send waves of pain crashing over her.

Gabriel grabbed a fistful of Kaera’s hair and lifted her head to meet his eyes. There was blood on his hands and pants and shoes.

“You have a week to give me an answer.” He snapped. “Refuse me again, and I won’t hesitate to utterly destroy you, and next time I will not show mercy.”

The pain was so bad that her eyes began to go blurry and she could barely see the sneer on his lips. There was a tugging on her neck and the sound of something being broken and stepped on filled her ears, the clatter filling the air.

Not even bothering to untie her hands and feet, Gabriel snapped his fingers, sending Kaera hurtling back into her body.

“By the way,” Gabriel whispered, “enjoy your mortality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! We can finally tell this awful year to go fuck off. I hope you guys had a wonderful week and a safe New Years Eve, my parents and I watched both Guardians of the Galaxy movies and it was great.  
> Sooooo yeah, I'm awful, Gabriel's a dick, and Kaera doesn't have her wings anymore. Whomp whomp.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked that chapter, if you did, kudos and comments are always so very appreciated. Many thanks to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy)for being such an amazing person and beta. Go check out their stuff, it's awesome. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	66. Mortality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, mention of death and being destroyed, seriously depressive episode, depiction of a mental breakdown, and discussion of serious injuries.

Something was wrong. Kaera had been gone far longer than she said she’d be. What was more, and anxious prickle had broken out over Aziraphale’s skin, and Crowley could feel a burn on the back of his neck, which only happened when they recognized a hostile aura nearby.

The angel grabbed Crowley by the arm, fear on his face. “We need to go back. Something’s wrong, I feel it.”

“Me too.” Crowley breathed, already angling his wings down. The two descended as quickly as they could, watching as two figures came into view on the ground. Azirpahale’s eyes widened as he recognized them

“Gabriel!” Crowley roared, swooping down onto the Archangel, dashing in closer. The only thing he saw was a smirk before smacking into the ground, his target nowhere in sight.

The demon looked around, brushing the dirt and mud from his clothes and trying to ignore the ache in his head as his eyes fell on a figure curled up next to him.

“Kaera?”

He shifted himself onto his knees to get a better look and nearly screamed.

“Crowley! What happened?” Aziraphale shouted as his feet touched the dirt.

“T-that fucking bastard!” Crowley boomed, seething with rage.

“What? What did he-“ the question died out into a gasp of shock.

Kaera was curled in on herself tied like a caught animal, her wrists and ankles bound, a deep gash on her stomach, and a thick slit on her throat. She was covered in blood but the wounds were no longer bleeding. Here eyes were wide and blank, unblinking and unseeing, a shocked and terrified expression on her pale face.

“He killed her, Angel!” Crowley raged, his hands balling into fists. Aziraphale knelt onto the ground next to Kaera, a horrified and pained expression on his face as he brushed a damp lock of hair from her forehead. “Gabriel fucking murdered her!” Crowley continued on his angry ramble. “We were supposed to keep her safe! We promised we’d keep her safe and now she’s fucking dead! She’s fucking dead, Aziraphale! He fucking killed her and-”

A sharp gasp and a gurgle interrupted his rant and when they looked back down, Kaera had once again begun breathing, though it was short and labored. The wounds on her neck and stomach had closed a little, but had begin to bleed again. Her eyes were darting around wildly between the two figures looking down at her.

“Ghlgh…” She gurgled as she gasped in another raspy breath. “Back…ckl..don’t touch...” Whatever she was trying to say was lost in a slew of gurgles and coughs.

“Crowley, get us back to the cottage while I work on these wounds.” Aziraphale instructed quickly. Crowley snapped his fingers and in a flash, the three of them were on the sitting room floor, back in the cottage.

Kaera let out a few gasps of shock before groaning in pain.

“Breathe, darling, just breathe.” Aziraphale instructed as he worked. The angel was silent and stoic as he gently settle his hand against her neck and whispered a blessing, the wound closing under his fingers.

Crowley couldn’t help but watch his angel’s face while he healed, so calm and focused. He always was the better one in a crisis, unlike Crowley who always froze and couldn’t think.

“Crowley, untie her if you please.” Azirapahle said sternly, not taking his eyes off what he was doing.

The demon did his best to keep his hands from shaking as he worked at the ropes around her wrists and ankles. As he pulled at the knots, he got a glimpse of Kaera’s back and his eyes widened.

Her skin was torn to the bone! No, that wasn’t a bone. It was the remnant of a wing, the broken tendons and joints jutting from her skin, black marks covered her back and there were cuts all up and down her spine. The marks weren’t inactive, but they weren’t at full threat either. They were weak but still seeping away at Kaera’s essence, though at a much slower pace, moving perhaps a centimeter every five minutes rather than every minute. On her shoulder blades were two enormous, bleeding gashes, broken wing fragments sticking out here and there, but the actual wing bone itself was sliced clean.

That bastard. He didn’t, not even _he_ would sink that low.

“There we are,” Aziraphale soothed, “I’ll just need to take care of your back and then you’ll be in tip top-”

“Don’t touch my back!” Kaera gasped, starling both of them.

“Kaera what on earth-”

“Don’t…ngk, don’t touch it!” She repeated. “Beelzebub…nrfh…Beelzebub was right…he used the weapon. The one they warned us…about…holy water…HRK!… _and_ hellfire…” Each sentence was punctuated or interrupted by a groan of pain. “You…hnrgh… you could get hurt.”

“C’mon, let’s get her upstairs.” Crowley said, gently lifting Kaera by the arms and settling her on his back. Carrying her the normal way would just make it worse, not to mention he might accidentally touch the wound and the holy essence would hurt him too.

With what little strength she still had, Kaera clung to Crowley, wrapping her arms around his neck and quivering. Despite himself, he shifted his arm and patted her hand.

“You’ll be okay.” He whispered. “You’re gonna be okay.”

She responded with another tremble and clung even tighter to him.

Bless it he’d failed again! He said he’d protect her and she’d gotten killed and got her wings cut off within the same hour! He’d promised. He’d bloody promised!

He reached her room and gently settle her on her bed with her back facing up.

“How are we supposed to take care of this?” He said to Aziraphale as he followed Crowley through the doorway.

The angel looked at Kaera’s back. The marks may have been weak, but that didn’t mean they weren’t causing her pain.

A gasp burst from Kaera and a gush of blood spurted from the wounds. If they didn’t do something, she’d bleed out.

An idea came to Crowley. It was stupid and dangerous, but it was the only one he had.

“Get back, Angel. Stand _far_ away.”

Aziraphale warily backed out of the room and into the hallway, just outside the door. “Crowley, what are you doing?”

“Cauterizing the wound.” Crowley answered as he rolled up his sleeves before setting a hand on Kaera’s shoulder. “I’m going to have to use hellfire so it’ll hurt like a bitch, but it’ll stop the bleeding and it might cancel out the holiness from the sword. It’ll only be fore a second and then I’ll remove it-”

“You can’t be serious!” Aziraphale gaped. “You’ll have to use enough to light a torch to cauterize the whole thing, that much hellfire could kill her!”

“If you have any other ideas, I’d love to hear them.” Crowley barked.

“Rag…” Kaera croaked. “Get…get a rag.” Crowley snapped his fingers anda thick washcloth appeared in his hand, which he held out to Kaera. The girl turned her head and bit down on the rag before burying her face in the mattress. “Do it.” She said, her voice muffled.

Crowley took a breath a summoned a tongue of hellfire, giving kaera a quick, “Brace yourself,” before pressing the flame to the wound.

Muffled shrieks and cries of pain escaped from Kaera. The fire seemed almost drawn to the wound like a magnet, slipping through the breaks in her skin and into her bloodstream before clotting and leaving enormous scabs all over her back. The marks began to glow with a sick light and Kaera continued to scream, muffled by the rag and the mattress. Crowley banished the hellfire from his palms and flattened his hand over Kaera’s back. Slowly, the fire began to draw out of her skin in a thin tendril. It was feisty and stubborn and was pulling itself out slowly, trying to pull away from Crowley and back into Kaera’s body.

“No you fucking don’t.” Crowley growled, pulling more energy. “I am a demon, I am your master, I control you! You are under my control and you are going to get the fuck out of Kaera!” With a sharp burst and another shriek from Kaera, the hellfire seeped out from her skin and into Crowley’s waiting palm. The shriek died out and morphed into short hiccuping groans as the last of the fire disappeared into Crowley’s hand as he closed his fist around the tongue dissolved into smoke before disappearing. The marks went dull, completely inactive and the wounds had clotted.

Crowley wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked towards Aziraphale. “Your turn.” He said, utterly exhausted.

The angel rushed into the room, quickly checking if Crowley was okay before the demon told him to quit fussing over him and tend to Kaera, and summoned two chairs (one by Kaera’s bedside for himself and just by the door for Crowley in case he needed a quick getaway). He snapped his fingers again and a bowl of water appeared on the bedside table, which he quickly blessed. Kaera had nearly bitten through the rag, evident from the strains in the threads as Aziraphale removed it from her mouth and snapped it clean before dipping it into the water.

“They’re gone, aren’t they?” Kaera murmured.

“What do you mean?” Aziraphale asked as he pressed the rag to Kaera’s back.

“My wings. They’re not coming back are they?” Her voice was flat and had the rasp of someone who had been screaming for hours. Her face was blank, with tracks of dried tears on her cheeks, but there was a tiny glimmer of light still in her eyes. A small bit of that stupid hope that is in even the most stubborn of doubters that wants to believe that against all odds the universe might prove them wrong. Deep down she knew, but that wouldn’t stop that bit of light from glimmering until she got absolute confirmation. This would be painful.

Aziraphale stammered for a little, a bit unsure of what to say. Crowley stood and walked over to sit on the side of the bed, holy water be damned.

“No, kid.” He said. “They’re not coming back.” He wished he could have made it a bit gentler, but it seemed like Kaera was the kind of person who wanted directness when getting bad news and he wouldn’t patronize her by giving her sympathy that could be taken as pity.

Just like that, the small bit of light in her eyes dimmed to nothing. She stared off but she wasn’t looking at anything. Aziraphale was too focussed on cleaning and banishing the wounds and marks but Crowley saw. The same blank glare of someone who’d felt far too much pain and now couldn’t feel anything anymore. He’d seen it time and time again on the faces in Hell. It was a defense of sorts. Block out the world and all the pain around you because if you let even the smallest bit in, you fall apart. He never thought he’d see this in Kaera, at least he hoped he wouldn’t. Kaera had a bad habit of keeping everything inside until it all came bursting out, but now there was nothing on the inside either. She had ever resorted to blocking out the rest of the world.

“There we are.” Aziraphale said gently, banishing the bowl and water. “How does that feel?”

Kaera snapped her fingers, mending the tears in her shirt, jumper, and jacket, not even bothering to answer the question.

“He said something strange.” Kaera muttered.

“What was that, love?” Aziraphale asked.

Kaera flipped herself over and propped herself up on her elbows. “Gabriel. He said something strange before he sent me back. He said, ‘enjoy your mortality.”

The color drained from Aziraphale’s face. He knew what a de-winged angel meant, but the casualness of the statement disturbed him to no end.

“That doesn’t mean what I think it does, Angel, does it?” Crowley asked.

“Unfortunately it does.” Aziraphale breathed. “This doesn’t apply to demons, most chose to remove their wings when they were expelled, Crowley I believe you’re one of the outliers that chose to keep them. An angel’s wings is a vital part of their anatomy. It’s one of their marks of holiness, connection to the Almighty. Since She is the source of life for angels, our halos, our wings, and the fire in our celestial forms is part of what connects us to Her. To cut off an angel’s wings is to cut them off from their source of life.”

“Enough with the metaphors, please.” Kaera said wearily.

“That’s just it. An angel without their wings is vulnerable to death. A wound that grievous not only strains their corporations but their true forms and essences as well. It’s a fatally infernal wound. If an angel without their wings is killed, they are bound to Heaven. Their true form is too weak to possess another body and they are unable to return to earth or any of the other heavenly or infernal provinces. Our wings don’t just let us fly, they help bring us places even not in physical realms. They are what-“

“Enough with the lesson, Angel.” Crowley said.

“Well the point is, an angel without their wings is-“

“Mortal.” Kaera finished, her voice still flat and her face still blank. She looked back up to Aziraphale. “I don’t understand. If removing wings is a death sentence for angels, why do demons choose to break off their wings?”

“Because they’re no longer connected to the host so it doesn’t matter. They’re still sorta connected to God, but She’s not longer our life source.” Crowley said. “It’s like cutting off a pinky. Painful, but in some cases necessary and not life threatening.”

“But what about me?” Kaera said. “What happens if I’m discorporated again?”

Aziraphale stood from his chair, beginning to pace with a hand on his chin. “Half of you is angel.” He pondered aloud. “So it is possible that even if you were discorporated again, it would likely be possible to get you another body, granted that you were given ample time to heal.”

“But I didn’t go to Heaven or to Hell when I discorporated.” Kaera explained. “I went to this place that wasn’t really anywhere. Gabriel called it the in between. I won’t be able to get another body there.”

“Well that wouldn’t stop us from trying to get you-”

“Hold on a moment.” Aziraphale said, going even paler. “Gabriel told me about the in between. He said he was going there for a meeting with one of the princes of Hell. I did a bit of digging and it’s only available to the highest authority of angels, only starting a few levels below the Metatron. Anyone else of lower authority in Heaven or in Hell is barred entrance. But Kaera-“

“Is neither Heaven or Hell. She’s both.” Crowley finished.

“So if she dicsorporates again-“

“I’ll be bound there and never see either of you again.” Kaera said, curling in on herself and shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. Her face shifted, a slight raise to her eyebrows as her fingers closed around something soft. When she pulled it out, she went pale again, feeling as if she might vomit. In between her thumb and forefinger was a soft gray feather, covered in blood.

Not a single thought passed through her head, the only thing she could do was stare at the feather in her hand and tremble. Her pulse began growing louder and louder until it was a defining thump. The world around her faded to gray and the pain broke out over her back, sweat dripped down her back and she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe!

A gentle hand took the feather from her, snapping it out of existence and reaching out to pat Kaera on the shoulder.

“Breathe, darling.” Aziraphale soothed, rubbing circles into her shoulder. “Just breathe.”

She couldn’t breathe! She couldn’t breathe! Couldn’t he see that?!

“Come on, love. In,” Aziraphale took a deep breath in through his nose and urged her to do the same. She followed his instruction, though it was shaky and uncertain. “Hold it.” He was silent for seven seconds. “And out.” He exhaled deeply, watching as Kaera did the same. “Two more.” He said gently. They repeated the motion once again and then a third time. By the end of it, Kaera was a little dizzy and more than a little tired. But there was one more thing they needed to know.

“He gave me an ultimatum.” She murmured. Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged glances. “One week. I have one week to either accept his offer or Beelzebub’s. If I don’t…he’ll destroy me. Wipe me out of existence.”

A gasp began in the back of Aziraphale’s throat, muffled by his hands clasped over his mouth. Crowley’s jaw dropped before he stood and began angrily pacing, muttering furious promises under his breath though they were quiet, he was hoping Gabriel could hear them because he was more than ready to make good on every word. He may have been a demon but he could be perfectly honest when he wanted to be.

Kaera reached for her neck, hoping that running her fingers over the pendant and feeling the familiar comforting warmth would help brighten this absolutely hopeless situation but her fingers closed on nothing. Her neck was bare.

Her pendant was gone.

He’d stolen her pendant.

There was a rage coming to her chest and it was getting ready to burst. Whoever was in the blast zone would not be spared.

“You might want to leave the room.” She said, her voice was still but her teeth were gritted and her face was growing red.

“Kaera, are you-”

“Angel, we should really leave.” Crowley urged, taking Aziraphale by the arm and leading him out of the room. Kaera was alone.

Instantly, she jumped from the bed, picked up the lamp on the end table, and hurled it against the wall, watching as porcelain and glass littered the floor. The flower vase by her bed was next, smashing against the wall. Her hand became engulfed in flames and she drove her fist through the wall. The flames didn’t spread but the fire was still there, burning.

When she ran out of things to break, she conjured more, the simple acts taking all her energy out of her but she didn’t care. She needed to break something! Make everything around her as broken as she was!

Dishes, glasses, fragile chairs, porcelain pots and jars, bottles, even a few small clocks. Anything breakable, she made, took it in hand and threw it against the wall, the aftermath of her destruction littered around the room.

She needed to break something! She needed to quell the raging fire inside her chest, devouring all levelheadedness and peace. Any semblance of a happy life that she’d been so stupid to hope for was gone, tossed out the window and broken like the shards at her feet.

An enraged yell rose in her throat and filled the room as she drove her fist through the window, sending glass into the garden and shredding her knuckles, blood dripping down her wrist and arms.

So stupid! So so SO stupid! Rage. That’s all she would ever feel again, rage and miser and…and…

She sunk to the floor, energy absolutely gone. Her hands carded through her hair, gripping and scattering scarlet drops all throughout the dirty blonde locks like she was gripping the last shreds of her sanity only to have it slip through her fingers.

That was it. The last bit of control she had over her life. Her wings, her pendant, her sense of safety, all of it had been stolen.

“Kaera? May we come in please?” Aziraphale’s gentle voice sounded through the door.

“Fine.” Kaera said weakly.

Aziraphale slowly opened the door, letting himself and Crowley into the room. The angel looked around at the mess and leftover bits of Kaera’s rampage and a pain broke through his heart. Crowley snapped his fingers and set the room to rights as Aziraphale sat down on the floor next to Kaera. With a sad sigh, he gingerly took her bloodied hand and mended the deep cut as Crowley sat on the other side of her.

“I didn’t ask for any of this.” Kaera murmured.

“Kaera…”

“I never asked to be caught up in all this mess. I never asked to be forced into a role that someone else made for me. I never asked to be created!” Her voice was now raised to a tired scream. “Everyone around me keeps telling me that this is my purpose or my destiny! I just want to be left alone!” She would have been crying but her energy was gone, so the best she could do was sit on the floor, shaking and breathing heavily.

Aziraphale pulled her into the tightest hug he could manage but Kaera couldn’t even find the energy to hug him back, her arms just hung limply at her sides as she laid her forehead against his shoulder.

Both of her friends were sitting by her side, but she had never felt so alone in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo on the downside Kaera has lost something vital to her identity as well as might possibly be completely and utterly destroyed and went through one of the most traumatizing injuries an angel/half angel can go through. But on the plus side Crowley gave her a piggy-back ride.  
> I hope things are going well on your end. They're just lovely on mine. My brother and his girlfriend are coming over tomorrow and they're bringing their dog. I love my crazy little fur ball nephew.  
> Also in two days it'll be the one year anniversary of not only me uploading the first chapter of _Godfathers_ but also the first anniversary of me uploading anything to ao3. I might do a special upload or something.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that chapter. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated if you did. Thank you, thank you, thank you to TakeItEezy for being my awesome beta. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day


	67. Happy 1 year!

Hello everyone! No actual chapter content (sorry you'll have to be patient and wait until Friday) but I wanted to have a little mini celebration, because one year ago today, I uploaded chapter 1 of _Godfathers_. I'm so SO proud of how far this story has come and I'm so glad people are liking it and I'm proud of the work I've done. Thank you all so so so much for reading.


	68. A Numb Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of death, descriptions of previous injury, depressive episode

Kaera began taking her afternoon walks by herself. She began to do a lot of things by herself. She’d always been somewhat introverted but before losing her wings, she’d enjoy a few pleasant passing conversations with her coworkers to spice up her day as she typed up her report on whatever dog she’s walked. Now she couldn’t even find the energy to say hello. She did her work and went home, as automatic as a computer program.

Lucille had tried to talk to her and ask if she was okay, but all she could manage was, “I’m just going through a lot,” before returning to her paperwork. Honestly, Lucille could have told her she was fired and she wouldn’t have cared less.

Still, she somehow found the energy to take walks around the village, but she took them alone. She had far too much on her mind to have Crowley or Aziraphale with her. She needed to think and she needed to be alone. Maybe if her body was as worn out as her mind, she’d at least find a little peace, or maybe just be able to sleep…though that often brought the nightmares of what oblivion would be like so maybe it was best to stay awake.

It was obvious Crowley and Azirpahale noticed the change in her. Well that was an understatement, everyone had noticed a change in her. But Crowley and Aziraphale were the only ones who knew the reason behind the change. After all, she only had four days to either give her soul and her identity over to either Heaven or Hell or face utter extinction.

That was what was echoing in her mind on her walk on Monday afternoon. Gabriel was expecting an answer on Saturday and either choice seemed like the wrong one. She’d promise herself that she’d keep true to herself and her morals, but the thought of total destruction followed by oblivion scared her more than her memories of Hell.

She could try and hide. Maybe set up a life on Mars, or that system that Crowley was always telling about. Alpha Centauri, that was it.

No, Gabriel was clever. He’d find her. Or she’d spent the rest of her existence on the run, either cowering on some little planet in a far off galaxy for the rest of eternity or until Gabriel found her and destroyed her. And she’d be alone until that happened. She couldn’t risk Crowley and Aziraphale going into hiding with her. If she was found, it would spell disaster for them too.

She tried to come up with some kind of plan but the only thing her exhausted mind could think of was staying where she was. If she pushed herself even harder to think of something, she was going to break.

A heavy sigh escaped her and she plopped herself down on a nearby bench.

Not too far away, a family was playing. The older child was flying a kite with her father standing next to her and the younger was running away from her mother while laughing. It was so easy for them. They didn’t have to pretend like she did.

Humans didn’t know how easy they had it. Yeah some had it worse than others and some had it really bad, but at least they could decide on what they wanted to be. They were all on an even playing field. They started out as humans and decided where they wanted to go from there. A doctor, a singer, a CEO, a writer, a cheater, a murderer, a sinner, a saint. It was up to them. And they didn’t know how lucky they were to be a part of a crowd. Even with all their differences, they still had a major thing in common. They were all human.

She found it stupid that they chose to focus on what made them different. If they knew what it was like to be completely alone, the _only_ being of their kind, maybe they wouldn’t be so eager to group themselves.

Kaera knew nothing about that feeling. Even when she believed she was human, she knew she was different. And she never did fully believe it. She wanted to, but there was always that little voice in the furthest pit of her mind whispering that she knew the truth.

“Jealous?” A voice sounded to her left. When she looked, she saw Nathan, looking just as exhausted as the last time she saw him. At first, she didn’t know what he was talking about, but when she saw him glance at the family, still playing happily, she sighed.

“Yeah.” She said as he sat down on the bench next to her.

“Me too.” He said.

She’d forgotten. She may be the only creature like her in existence, but there were still other beings that knew about loneliness. She really was a stupid, narrow-minded fool wasn’t she? She sighed, doing her best to remember Aziraphale’s words and advice but was too tired to apply them.

Nathan gave her a quick once over.

“You look like hell.”

Kaera tensed. “Very poor choice of words.”

“Oh,” Nathan said. “Right. My bad.”

“I don’t really care anymore.” Kaera said. “Don’t have the energy to.”

Nathan glanced from her back to the family. “What happened?”

Kaera sighed. “I was attacked by the Archangel fucking Gabriel if you can believe that.” She deadpanned.

Nathan shrugged. “If you hadn’t proven otherwise to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind.” He sighed. “I’m sorry hat happened to you.”

“It wasn’t just the attack. He took…” Kaera cringed. Nathan had his own problems to deal with, he didn’t need hers. Besides, she wasn’t exactly sure she wanted to disclose something so personal. “…something really important from me and now I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.”

“That’s all?” Nathan said. “Well, if I were you, I’d fly right back up to Heaven and…” he stopped when he saw the cringe come over Kaera’s face at the mention of flying. “Oh God.” Nathan breathed. “He didn’t…did he?” Kaera nodded. “So your…”

Kaera nodded again. “Sliced them right off my back.” Her voice was flat and her expression was numb but she was sure the anger, sadness, and horror going on in her mind was clear in her eyes.

Funny, she used to get annoyed when her emotions were too plain and obvious, now she just wished she had any, at least any that made sense.

“So yeah. I’m not doing that great right now.”

“Yeah.” Nathan said, looking out towards the playing family again. “Funny, I used to go out to the park near my house and watch families play. I’d pretend it was my family out there. That everything was fine and that I had a family who loved me and I didn’t have to worry about anything.”

A chuckle escaped Kaera.

“And just what the fuck are you laughing at?” Nathan snapped.

“The irony of it all.” Kaera said. “I’d pretend the same thing.” She sighed. “My parents died before I could really know them, so I would come out to the park near the orphanage and sat on one of the park benches for hours and watch all the families play and pretend that it was me they were loving and that I was normal. Sometimes I would even go to the park when it was raining. I would sit on the bench while getting soaked to the skin. I’d close my eyes and pretend that I had a home to go to, with a hot meal, soft blankets, and warm hugs waiting for me.”

Those were always the days she would pretend the hardest. She would silently beg for just a few more minutes of daylight. Just a few more minutes of pretending. If it got dark, she’d have to go back to the orphanage and face the reality of being a freak. If she stayed at the park a little while longer, she could stay in that beautiful dream.

Just a little longer.

Just a few more minutes.

Please.

Just let me stay here. Just a little longer.

Kaera opened her eyes and looked back over at Nathan. She could tell from the look in his eyes that while he didn’t exactly know what she was talking about, he did understand. The difference between the two of them was that Nathan had tried to move forward and make something of his life while all she could do was feel sorry for herself.

No. Stop it. Enough of that. We don’t need that kind of thinking.

“How’d you do it?” She asked. Nathan looked at her with a puzzled expression. “How’d you manage to move on?”

“I haven’t.” Nathan said, looking back out to the field. The family had packed up the kite and were now heading home, leaving the large grassy field empty. “I’m still reeling. Still raging. Still waking up screaming in the middle of the night from the nightmares. I’ve just gotten good at hiding it. Just by looking at me, all you would think was that I was tired.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a flash. The strong smell of alcohol wafted through the air as he flipped the cap and held the flask out to Kaera. On any other occasion, she would have refused, but this wasn’t any other occasion.

“Fuck it.” She mumbled as she took the flag and tossed back a long sip. Nathan let out a dry laugh at the face Kaera made as she swallowed the burning liquid down.

“I guess that’s all it boils down to. Just being tired.” Nathan said as he took a sip for himself.

Lord knows how exhausted Kaera was, just physically. She was tired of being chased, of being forced to make choices she never wanted to make, just…tired in general.

Nathan handed the flask back to her and she took another swig. The alcohol was beginning to make her feel a little floaty. Nathan obviously noticed and let out a chuckle.

“You’re a total lightweight, aren’t you?”

“You could say that.” She muttered.

“I know that look, you know.” Nathan said. “I can see you’re blocking everything out, your face is numb, but I can see the rage in your eyes. And the despair.” Kaera sighed and took another sip before handing the flask back to Nathan, wiping her mouth on her sleeve.

“You’re not gonna lecture me on ‘not keeping everything locked up inside’ are you? I get enough of that from Aziraphale.” She sighed. “He means well. I know he only wants the best for me, but sometimes it just gets grating.”

Nathan let out a quick breath through his nose, which might have been a laugh. “Nah. I’ve been there. You feel like shit either way.”

Kaera let out a quick chuckle.

She was likely going to die in four days, her wings were gone, her connection to her parents had been stolen and she didn’t have the energy to even pretend to care. But on the bright side, at least she could admit she felt like absolute shit.

Nathan put the flask back in his pocket and stood up. “I should probably head home.”

“Yeah, me too.” Kaera said, wobbling slightly as she stood up. Nathan outright laughed.

“I can walk you back if you like.” He offered.

Kaera smirked. “Such a gentleman.” She teased.

“Alright, have fun walking home by yourself.” Nathan mocked.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.” Kaera said.

She was by no means feeling better but she at least didn’t feel quite so alone. The ideal of being an outcast in the company out outcasts was still strong in her mind, but a second layer had been added to that; not just an outcast of people, but one that life had abandoned, stepped on, ground into dust. The world was full of outcast like that, the key was finding each other.

The overcast sky was gradually beginning to darken, but the world still stayed illuminated with that ghostly glow, that very slowly faded as they walked.

The wobble in Kaera’s legs didn’t go away, but she wasn’t stumbling to falling down or slurring. Still, she was grateful for the company.

Soon enough, they reached the cottage as soon as Kaera opened the door. Aziraphale ran to greet them, rather surprised to see Nathan.

“Just wanted to make sure she got home safely.” Nathan said. Aziraphale looked at Kaera, recognizing the very, very slight look of inebriation.

“That was very kind of you.” Aziraphale said.

Nathan gave a flippant wave of his hand. “’S nothing really.”

“We were just about to sit down for some supper, why don’t you join us?”

“Oh, erm, no. I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing, my dear boy.” Aziraphale assured. “We’d be happy to have you.”

“Yeah, Aziraphale always makes too much anyway.” Kaera said, emboldened by the alcohol.

“Perhaps you should sober up.” Aziraphale said, using his bastard voice.

“Aw, you’re no fun.” Kaera sat as she sat down at the table. Was she imagining things, or did Crowley look proud?

Nathan and Aziraphale sat down at the table as Crowley poured some wine for the three of them (Kaera stuck with water. She was already a little tipsy, one glass of wine would have her falling out of her chair). It was a very interesting meal. The food was wonderful as always, but the atmosphere was different. If there was such a thing as relaxed tension, it hung in the dining room that evening. Everyone was on edge due to the death threat (with the exception of Nathan who got the general idea but didn’t know how deep it went).

Yet even with the tension and looming choice and danger, she was able to talk and even, dare she say, have a decent evening. It was faint and weak, but she was even able to laugh.

Her mind went back to her thoughts form earlier. All four of them were outcasts, beings that had been abandoned and shunned, beaten and bruised, and devalued. But they still had each other.

Tomorrow would bring back the numbness and confusion and being utterly lost on what to do, but tonight, she could at least try to forget.

It may not have been much, but it was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Kaera's been through a lot but at least she still has her found family.  
> Hello all! I hope things are going well for you! I'm going back to school on Sunday so I'm going to be spending most of tomorrow packing. Woohoo -_-  
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Kudos and comments are always very much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	69. A Denied Request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Discussions of mutilation, torture, and grievous bodily harm, mentions of abuse, depictions of violence, and mentions of death

_Ring. Ring. Ring_

_Click._

We’re sorry, the number you are trying to reach is not in service at this time. Please leave a message and try your call again later.

“You know Aziraphale, the whole point of an answering machine is to not have the operator telling me to hang up. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’ll be home late tonight. Tom had to call in sick so I volunteered to take his final shift. Funny, you’d think I wouldn’t even want to bother with work considering…y’know. Guess it gives me something to do…maybe I’m just trying to trick myself into thinking that everything’s normal. Erm, sorry about that. Dunno where that came from. Anyway, Lucille will be giving me a ride home again, so I’ll see you when I get home.”

 _Click_.

* * * * *

Aziraphale never made it to the bookshop. Crowley dropped both him and Kaera off at the corner, she’d given him a hug goodbye, he’d wished her a good day and then they’d gone their separate ways. On a normal day, he’d head east towards the bookshop, but that morning, as soon as Kaera was out of sight, he turned and headed to the northern side of London, towards a building he hadn’t been in for almost a year and one he’d rather hoped to avoid. But enough was enough.

He could take someone threatening him or trying to push him around. But as soon as someone he cared about was hurt, he had to take action.

He had done almost nothing when Kaera had come back from Hell, aside from doing his best to tend to her pains, both physical and emotional. He’d been stuck in that frustrating spot where he wanted to do something but didn’t know what he could do. Hell was not his former place, he had even less authority than Crowley. What was he supposed to do? March down to Hell? What would he even do when he got there? Make them apologize? That wasn’t just foolish, it was practically suicidal.

Then Gabriel had to go and get his condescending smirking self involved. The first time Kaera had suffered from a hallucination, when Gabriel had made her believe that he and Crowley had said such horrid things to her, Aziraphale had debated summoning Gabriel, trapping him in the summoning circle, and leaving him there until he discorporated. It rather frightened him that he jumped to such a violent idea so quickly but he was so indescribably angry. After he’d calmed down a bit, he resolved himself to continuing to support Kaera through whatever she experienced and comfort her without resorting to anything that might put her or Crowley or himself in danger.

But Gabriel had taken things too far.

Kaera had done nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yet Gabriel had discorporated her, humiliated her, and subjected her to one of the cruelest and most painful things an angel (or half angel) could ever experience, physically and emotionally. Kaera might have been keeping quiet but he could tell. Even though he and Crowley healed her, an occasional cringe or wince would give her away. She was still in pain and would continue to be for perhaps the rest of her existence…however long that would be.

Both the mutilation and the threat of utter annihilation were weighing heavily on her. She moved through the cottage like a ghost, her eyes and face blank and she did everything automatically. There was nothing organic or random about her now. She was on autopilot. Gone was the vibrance and passion and rage that he knew. The armor she had built for herself was thick that she was blocking out the rest of the world.

The impromptu visit from Nathan three days ago had been a hopeful exception, but the following morning she’d returned to the numbness. They were all trying to pretend that the deadline and looming decision weren’t real or tried to fool themselves into believing that they would think of something, but anyone who knew Kaera could take one look at her and see the complete lack of hope in her eyes.

In the car that morning, she’d started silently crying. No sound, no quivering or whimpering, just tears slipping from her eyes. Aziraphale had asked if she was okay and she’d responded with, “I’m not sure.”

“My dear, you’re crying.”

She had then touched her cheek and an almost surprised look came over her face.

“Oh. So I am.” She’d responded before going quiet again,

Aziraphale had seen enough. He should have done this a long time ago but he had been too scared and his cowardice had only opened the way for Kaera to be caused more pain. He had to take action. Heaven and Hell had stolen her joy, her smile, her sadness, her anger, her safety, her sanity, her wings, her life, everything and left nothing behind but a numb shell. He couldn’t bear to watch her fall apart like this. This nonsense ended now.

The once familiar building looks large and intimidating in front of him, the gleaming H&H sign left a rather sour taste in his mouth but he still walked forward through the door and into the front hallway, the watery reflective floor rippling out under his light brown shoes. It used to be a feeling of warmth or at least neutrality under his feet when walking across the floor, but now his feet were cold, utterly frozen. A shiver broke through him as he continued forward up the escalator.

It was chillier than he remembered and he found his shivers growing worse as he reached the top and approached the large gold and white door in front of him.

He hesitated as he reached for he handle, a fearful second guessing taking root in his mind. It would be easy to just forget this, walk back down the escalator and put it to the back of his mind. But tomorrow was the deadline for Gabriel’s threat, it was now or never. Even if there was no threat to her life, Kaera had still suffered long enough and he’d be damned if he didn’t do something to fix it.

The door was silent as he opened it but he felt that practically everyone in Heaven had heard it and he felt like there were eyes watching him. He did his best to ignore the sensation and began towards his destination.

It all felt uncannily familiar to him, he’d walked this particular path so many times and the feelings of self loathing and doubt began to creep back into him and each footstep against the hard floor would raise echoes that would fade out into angry whispered voices.

“Lose the gut.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Pathetic excuse for an angel!”

A shaky breath escaped him and he did his best to banish those thoughts from his mind, but the voices still whispered to him.

The pristine white halls were mostly abandoned, which was just as unnerving. Though Heaven was very large and spread out, usually there would there would be at least a few other angels milling about and going on with their business, but the halls were utterly empty, which made it so much more unnerving.

There wasn’t even an angel sitting at the front desk.

Now he was thoroughly shaken. But he had a task to do.

The sign on Gabriel’s office door had been recently polished and it almost made Aziraphale laugh. Gabriel was so obsessed with his image. It didn’t matter that he was a cruel being who was ready to destroy anything that didn’t fit his ideal vision. He claimed it was in the name of the Almighty, but Aziraphale knew better. It was to protect his own pride. He may have convinced everyone around him differently, perhaps he’d even convinced himself but it was all a matter of pride for him. But it didn’t matter to Gabriel, just so long as his image was as glowing and pristine as the sign on his door.

Aziraphale took a breath to steady himself before lifting his fist to the door and knocking.

“Come in.” He heard Gabriel’s voice from the other side of the door.

His hand shook as he turned the handle and opened the door, but he did his best to keep himself in control. Gabriel was looking down at a report on his desk, scanning for any detail out of place.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale said, breaking the silence, “I have something I simply must discuss with you.”

Gabriel looked up from his work and an annoyed grin came over his face.

“Aziraphale,” he chirped, though there was a bitterness under the chipper lilt. “What a…pleasant surprise.”

“Gabriel, I’ll cut right to the point.” Aziraphale said, keeping his voice as neutral and calm as possible, not wanting to give Gabriel any excuse to harm him.

A twitch passed over Gabriel’s features and he sat back slightly in his chair.

“I must ask you to cease your harassment against Kaera. It is cruel and unneeded and it is causing her a great deal of pain.”

Gabriel let out a long breath through his nose, pursing his lips. “Cruel, Aziraphale?” Gabriel asked, using that same patronizing tone. “How is it cruel to try and get her to realize her place and choose where she stands?”

“W-well,” Aziraphale stammered, “forcing her into the position by torturing her mind, making her suffering hallucinations, and permanently mutilating her corporation is hardly necessary.”

“Have you considered perhaps if she wasn’t being so stubborn and simply made her choice, I would indeed cease my actions?” Gabriel asked, rising from his chair.

“Ah, yes, p-perhaps, but you seem to be under the impression that her suffering is her own fault. That’s hardly fair to her.”

Gabriel shrugged. “I can’t help it if she’s being difficult.” His nonchalance almost made Aziraphale sick.

“Gabriel, you are causing her to suffer. It baffles me that you can’t see that.”

“Oh no, I see that she’s suffering. But it’s a necessary means for a necessary end.”

Aziraphale had to take a few breaths to keep from snapping. “With all due respect, what you’re doing is not persuading Kaera to one side or another, you’re causing her undue misery.”

“Aziraphale, I wouldn’t expect you to understand tact and persuasion, but eventually she will give in. She has no choice.”

“Do you think she’ll be loyal to Heaven, to either side really, if you force her to be?”

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. “You’re not exactly in a position to lecture me on loyalty, Aziraphale.” The Archangel clasped his hands together. “Besides, what I’m doing is a mercy towards her.”

“Mercy?!” Aziraphale nearly shouted.

“Yes.” Gabriel said, approaching Azirpahale and clasping a hand on his shoulder. “You see, she shouldn’t have been spawned in the first place. But Heaven is giving her the chance to become more than her demon blood could allow her to be.” He let go of Azirpahale’s shoulder and turned around, staring out the window with his hands behind his back. “However, if she chooses to continue denying what she could be and live as a reckless, untamed heathen, then Heaven can’t ignore it.”

“She’s done nothing wrong.” Aziraphale argued.

“Her very existence is a wrongdoing.”

Aziraphale’s hands balled into fists. “Gabriel I must say this isn’t very angelic behavior.”

Gabriel looked over his shoulder, his smile was long gone and there was rage in is eyes. “What did you just say?”

 _That_ was a warning. A firm reminder that if he dared repeat himself, he’d regret it. If circumstances had been as they were before, Aziraphale would have backed down, fearful for what Gabriel could do to him. But things weren’t as they’d been before. Heaven had promised to leave him alone, but they’d broken their promise. He had someone he needed to protect and he couldn’t afford to back down.

“Do you think Mother would approve of you being so unendingly cruel to one of her creations?”

Gabriel spun around and slammed his fist into Aziraphale’s stomach. The principality wheezed and hunched into himself only to be knocked to the floor by Gabriel’s elbow.

“I am doing Her work. That _thing_ doesn’t belong in our Mother’s glorious creation. She deserves every cruelty that’s been given to her. I’m righting the wrong that was committed from her birth.” He narrowed his eyes. “And the fact that you can’t see that is concerning to me.”

Gabriel sent a wordless call out through Heaven and in less than a minute, two lower ranking angels were waiting at his door.

“It seems our wayward principality has forgotten his place. Forgotten what it means to truly be an angel.” He gestured to the crumpled being on the floor and the angels firmly grabbed Aziraphale by the arms. “Perhaps we should remind him.”

* * * * *

A frantic knock came to the door. Crowley wasn’t expecting any visitors or deliveries. So as soon as the demon heard someone knocking at the door, he instantly became suspicious.

Something was definitely off. The knock sounded again, quick and panicked. Crowley grabbed his plant mister. It wasn’t even filled with anything but regular water but it still made him feel a little more secure.

He opened the door and almost jumped out of his skin.

“Crowley,” Beelzebub greeted. Their voice was different than their usually bored drone. Were…were they worried?

Crowley gripped the mister and pointed it at Beelzebub. “Get off my property.” He snarled. “ _Now_.”

“D’you want your angel to die?” Beelzebub warned.

A sharp jolt of panic burst through Crowley and his angry demeanor dropped for a moment before coming back twofold. “What did you do to him? Where is he?!”

“I haven’t done anything with him. He decided to waltz up to Heaven and give Gabriel an earful.”

“What?” Crowley breathed. He had tried to talk to Gabriel? That could have only ended with disaster. “Where is he? Is he alright?”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes, disgusted by his outward signs of caring. “He’z still up in Heaven from what I gather. Az for if he’z okay, that remainz to be seen.”

“Why do you even care?” Crowley asked, eyeing his former boss warily.

“Heaven and Hell made an agreement to leave to two alone and Gabriel broke that agreement. Demonz may be deceitful bastardz but we also take our deals and our friend print seriously. I’ve struck an agreement with Gabriel but I need you there.”

“Why?” Crowley asked.

“Because we need neutral ground. Gabriel obviously doezn’t value hiz agreementz so I…” they bit their lip, frustrated with what they had to say. “…need you there in caze things go wrong.”

“Why not just let me go get him back? Why bother with all this red tape?”

“Because that’z juzt how I am.” Beelzebub growled.

Crowley narrowed his eyes, looking carefully at the demon prince. Something caught his gaze.

One thing about Beelzebub was that they were a very good liar. But like most liars, they had a very small detail about their mannerisms that gave them away. Few people noticed that tiny detail but Crowley had known Beelzebub since before they fell. He knew them. And he knew that whenever they lied, the lines at the corner of their eyes and mouth deepened ever so slightly.

And they were deepening now.

“I don’t believe you.”

Beelzebub sighed, annoyed but not at all surprised. “That’s what I thought you’d say.” They looked past him, over his left shoulder. “Plan B.”

A sharp pain erupted on the back of Crowley’s head and he fell to the floor. His ears rang but he could hear a brief snippet of a conversation.

“I told you he wouldn’t go for it.” Hastur said.

“Sue me for trying to have a bit of tact.” Beelzebub huffed.

The pain in Crowley’s head became overwhelming and he succumbed.

* * * * *

Kaera stepped out of the car, closing the door behind her.

“See you Monday, Kaera!” Lucille called. Kaera looked over her shoulder and gave her boss a tired smile. Somewhere in her chest was a feeling of appreciation for Lucille but it was buried under a thick layer of numbness and exhaustion.

She didn’t have the heart to tell Lucille that it was very likely that she wouldn’t see Lucille on Monday. Tomorrow morning was an absolute mystery, she’d either be a drone of Heaven or a puddle of goo on the floor. She should have been more terrified and she honestly was, but she’d shot through so many levels of fear that she’d reached a kind of twisted Nirvana.

She sighed. She needed a hug. Like really needed a hug. It wouldn’t fix anything but she just wanted to hug someone and forget about life for two seconds.

Her legs ached as she walked up the front path to the cottage. Doing the most basic things took so much energy and she hated it. Part of her just wanted this to end so the horrible waiting and feeling of nothingness would go away. But most of her was subconsciously trying to stretch out the days to even the quickest second so she could further delay the choice she had to make.

She sighed again, pushing that thought once again out of her mind, though she knew it was futile, since it was only going to be back in less than five minutes.

She opened the door to the cottage and immediately knew something was wrong. There was an eerie emptiness to the house. Despite her almost year of living with Crowley and Aziraphale, she’d noticed that even when nobody was home, there was at least the atmosphere of someone being there, that someone would be returning soon and that the people in the cottage were loved.

Now it felt empty.

What was more, there was a different atmosphere. Something much more sinister.

Something on the coffee table caught her eye. Two feathers were arranged in an “X”. One was black and one was white and they were sitting on top of a folded sheet of cream colored paper, Kaera moved the feathers and unfolded the paper. The words written in a dark golden ink made her blood run cold.

_Terms have changed._

_Choose Heaven or Choose Hell. Give me an answer before sunup or they both die._

_-Gabriel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry I didn't upload anything last week. I was feeling really under the weather and this week just kinda got away from me. Anyway, so it seems the bois are in a bit of a bind. What's gonna happen?  
> I don't know how it is where you guys are but on my end it is FUCKING COLD! They're calling for a monster snowstorm tonight which I'm part excited for, part a little nervous about because I need to pick up my meds tomorrow and Idk if the shuttle will be running because the roads will be too bad. But fingers crossed. Anyway I hope you all had a good few weeks and didn't miss me too much. If you enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments are so very appreciated. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day


	70. Not for me to Decide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of death/destruction, references to past violence

As soon as Kaera read the note, her mind kicked into overdrive, an enormous burst of adrenaline and fear shot through her body.

He’d kidnapped them. He’d taken the two most precious people in her entire life and unless she gave herself up, they were going to die.

The decision now seemed so much more real. She’d been trying to deny it or ignore it as much as possible but now it wasn’t just a choice that affected her. And it terrified her. She was so scared. She didn’t eat to make this decision, she didn’t want’t to play Gabriel’s game, because either way she was going to lose. But now there were two new pieces on the board and she had to protect her friends. She had to give Gabriel his answer and if she denied him, he’d kill Crowley and Aziraphale as well, so she would have to accept. She didn’t want to but she had no choice.

Maybe if she could get to them…

Yes! She could go to Heaven and try and sneak Aziraphale and Crowley out, make sure they were safe before giving Gabriel his answer. She would make her choice as soon as they were no longer being used as bargaining tools.

She grabbed the keys to the Bentley and raced outside, unlocking the car and jamming the key into the ignition. Instead of turning on and going into drive, the car just made a dull, “rrrrr” and stayed dormant. Kaera glanced at the dials behind the wheel and noticed the needly on the gas was pointing at “E”. Kaera groaned. Crowley never bothered filling up the tank, he just used a miracle to get the car going.

“Dammit, Crowley!” Kaera shouted.

She was about to use a miracle of her own when the sound of a car horn distracted her. A beat up looking silver car had just pulled into the driveway.

“Kaera!” A familiar voice shouted as someone leaned out the driver side window.

“Nathan?” Kaera asked, peering through the polished glass on the windshield. Nathan honked the horn again as Kaera snapped her fingers, sending the Bentley keys back into the little ceramic bowl on the kitchen table and stumbled out onto the driveway, rushing up to Nathan’s car.

“What in the world are you doing here?”

“I’ll explain on the way. Get in!”

“Wha-“

“Just get in!” The urgency in his voice was halfway to abject terror. It likely wasn’t the smartest idea, but she had no other options to get to London without using a miracle and she still wasn’t very solid with transferring herself long distances. It took a lot of concentration and stamina so even if she did make it to London, she’d be drained. And if this trip up to Heaven didn’t go according to plan, she’d need all her energy.

She hadn’t even buckled her seatbelt before Nathan slammed the gas and sped off down the street, the tires screaming against the pavement. Though his body was tense and straining, using all his strength to keep his foot pressed against the pedal and gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, his face was stoic. Still. Almost relaxed and neutral.

“Nathan? Is everything alright?” Kaera asked.

Nathan hardly moved, other than to turn the wheel and change lanes, but there was a change to his expression. A minuscule twitch starting from the corner of his eye.

“I saw my dad last night.” He said flatly.

“Oh.” Kaera answered back. “Are you alright?”

“I dunno.” He said. “It was weird. But he didn’t contact me to make waves. He said you’d need help today. That I’d need to take you to ‘H and H’ industries.”

“That’s exactly where I need to go! Gabriel took Crowley and Aziraphale and if I don’t give him an answer, they’ll get hurt.”

“Answer?”

Kaera sighed and told him about why Heaven and Hell had been chasing her, what she was, the ultimatum Gabriel had given her, everything. When she was done explaining, Nathan awkwardly whistled. “That’s a really heavy choice.” Out of habit, Kaera reached for her neck before remembering her pendant was gone. The sinking feeling returned to her chest. Nathan glanced away from the road for a brief moment, studying her face before looking back in front of him. “You doing alright?”

“I’ve been better.” Kaera said with a sigh. “Maybe if I wasn’t so irresponsible, they wouldn’t have gotten hurt but I…” she sighed again, “never mind. You don’t need my problems.”

“True. I’ve got my own to deal with, but if you’ve got something to say, I’ll listen.”

Kaera sighed. “I don’t want to make this choice.” She admitted.

Nathan shrugged. “That’s hardly irresponsible. Be a slave to Heaven, be a slave to Hell, or die? That’s the shittiest of choices.”

“It’s not just that. There’s another layer to this choice. Gabriel would rather I choose Heaven but I don’t think he’d object if I chose Hell. In his eyes, anything is better than me continuing to go unaccounted for. Besides, if I choose Hell, he just has another excuse to wipe out the abomination.” She clenched her fists. “But the thing is I don’t want to make that choice either. I know I’ll have to eventually. Apparently everyone says it’s my destiny or something to choose, but I don’t want to.” She sighed again. “I don’t want my friends to get hurt but I still want to hold off making this choice as long as possible.” She ran her hand through her hair.

“I mean if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want to make those choices either.” Kaera shot Nathan a tired glare. “Hey I’m just saying it like it is.”

“I know I could just end this now by just calling to Gabriel and letting him know I’ve made my choice.” She said, looking at her interlocked hands. “I wouldn’t have to worry about sneaking into Heaven and getting my friends out. All this would be over if I would just buck up and say yes or no, choose Heaven or Hell. But part of me is still holding out hope that I can have it both ways. It’s childish to think it but I still hope that I can save them and keep my freedom as well. Childish and downright selfish.”

“It’s selfish to not want to choose between submitting to slavery or dying?” Nathan asked as he merged off the M25 toward London.

“If there are other lives on the line, yes.” Kaera argued.

“I don’t think Crowley and Aziraphale would want you to die. I think they want the same thing. For all three of you to be safe.”

“But that’s not an option.” Kaera said, putting her face in her hand.

“If I know anything about them, and you as well, following the rules to the letter doesn’t always have to be the way things are done. Also, I don’t think they blame you for this. It’s not your fault Gabriel’s being an asshole.”

“But it’s my fault that they got caught in the crossfire.”

Nathan swerved, narrowly missing a car that had stopped in the middle of the road.

“For fuck’s sake, the light was green, dipshit!” He yelled. He huffed before addressing Kaera again. “Maybe. But you’re at least going to do something about it right?”

“yeah.” Kaera answered, not really sure where he was going.

“So you’re still trying to take some kind of responsibility, which I can respect. The world is a messy fucking place and you can either blame yourself for getting caught up in the mess or admit that you deserve better.”

Nathan pulled up to the curb outside of an enormous glass building that seemed to stretch up to the sky. A sign with the logo “H&H Industries” hung over the front doorway.

“This is it.” Kaera said, unclipping her seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Wait.” Nathan stopped her, reaching into the backseat. “My dad said you’d need this. Apparently it’s cold as fuck up there, also it might help you blend in.”

He passed her a white knitted jumper with gold buttons down the front. “Thank you, Nathan.” Kaera said softly as she pulled on the jumper and buttoned it up. “For everything.”

Nathan gave a smirk as she hopped out of the passenger seat and onto the sidewalk.

“Hey, Kaera?” Nathan called. She looked back at him, there was a conflicted look on his face and there was something unreadable in his eyes when he looked back up at her. “Tell my dad I say hi.” He thought for a minute. “Also tell him that he’s an asshole.”

A little smirk came over Kaera’s face. “I will.”

Nathan met her with a smirk of his own. “Now go save your fathers.”

A few nerves passed into her system. She'd been thinking it in the back of her mind for a while, but she intended it to stay there. She didn't want anyone finding out that she thought of Crowley and Aziraphale as...as her fathers. It was embarrassing, and she figured they'd be embarrassed or offended too “They’re not my-“

Nathan interrupted her with a laugh. “Who are you kidding? You belong in their lives. And they belong in yours.” He gave her another smirk before driving off again.

Kaera turned and looked up towards the looming building. There was a nervous thump to her heart as she approached, but there was something else as well. Not excitement, there was too much fear. The situation was too dire to be considered exciting. But she couldn’t deny the twinge in her stomach.

Her fathers. She was going to save her fathers. Her family.

She took a breath and stepped into the rotating door to the large glass building, her pulse thumping in her ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this week's chapter is a bit shorter but that's because things are about to kick into high gear. Sort of a calm before the storm sort of thing. Hold on to ya butts 'cause it's about to get real.  
> Anyway, things on my end have been reeeaaaaally busy and stress has been running high. I've been doing my best to manage but sometimes things get overwhelming. Honestly, writing is keeping me sane at this point. I hope things are going well for you guys though.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as always, a massive thank you to TakeItEezy for being a fantastic beta. If you enjoyed the chapter, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day.


	71. A Familiar Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Discussions of torture and mutilation, references and mentions of past trauma

The lobby of the building was unlike any she’d seen. There were two sets of escalators, the one on the right had both the up and down ones working, the one on the left was only moving down, the one that would have been going up was still. The one moving downward on the let seemed a bit more spectral than solid until she saw its reflection on the floor. For some reason, the reflection was more solid in appearance, is if she could touch and step onto it.

The floor itself looked like it was made of black water but the reflection was clear and picturesque, and when she looked down, her quivering image stared back at her, just as lifelike and real as if she’d been cloned.

As she stepped onto the watery floor, a pressure and pulling sensation passed up her legs. It wasn’t enough to pull her down completely but it was enough to be noticed and every step sent out massive ripples all over the floor. Each step was a challenge, but soon enough, she made it to the upward escalator and the pressure disappeared and her steps became light again.

She raced up the escalator, finding that even though it only appeared to be about twenty steps or so, it felt much longer and she was quite breathless when she reached the top.

In front of her was an enormous set of white doors with a bursting glow leaking from the crack in the center. Waiting in front of the doors, pacing with his hands behind his back, was a man. He was dressed in all white and his feet were bare. When Kaera approached, he turned to face her, a smile creeping out from under his curly gray beard.

“George!” Kaera cried, rushing forward. George let out a jovial laugh as she threw her arms around him.

“It’s good to see you again, lass.” He said. “Or, well, half see you.” Another deflecting joke? She looked up at his face and gasped. One of his eyes was shut, the lids limp and flat.

“They took your eye?” She asked weakly.

George nodded, a saddened expression coming to his face. “Apparently, saying the Lord’s Prayer in Hell is a big ol’ no no. But I don’t really have to worry about Hell’s rules anymore.” He said, gesturing to his clean white clothes and the weak but still very heavenly glow exuding from him.

A wide but still disbelieving smile came to Kaera’s face. “How?” She asked. “I didn’t think that was possible.”

George beamed. “Apparently, someone put in a good word for me and asked that I be forgiven.” He hugged Kaera again. “Thanks for that, lass.” He pulled away suddenly, urgency on his face. “But we don’t have time for all this soppy reunion stuff. Your friend Aziraphale is being held in the third prison wing.” The tone of his voice and the look on his face suggested that the third wing wasn’t a very pleasant place.

“What about Crowley?” Kaera asked.

“Crowley? Who’s Crowley?”

“My other friend. Aziraphale’s boyfriend. Demon with red hair.”

“Demon you say?” George asked. “If he’s in Heaven, I can’t sense him.”

“That’s not good.” Kaera murmured. She had to get them both out before sunup and going to both Heaven and Hell meant that she had to dedicate more time to find them and time was something she didn’t have a lot of.

She shook her head and snapped her fingers. Instantly, her appearance changed. Her shoulder blade length hair began to fold in on itself, becoming a light, chestnut brown and twisting into a tight bun. Her red eyes changed to a soft, pastel blue. A smattering of golden freckles splashed across her cheeks and nose. She snapped her fingers again, this time the miracle took a lot more focus, but it was necessary to mask her essence. If she stepped through those doors and anyone got a whiff of demon, the whole plan would go up in smoke. As soon as she had a decent disguise, she looked at Nathan and nodded. He gave her a nod in return, opened the doors, and waved her inside.

Nathan had been right, it was cold in Heaven. Even with the thick woolen jumper, she was shivering and she had to stop herself from looking over her shoulders. The wife, white halls were practically empty but there were a few angels passing by every so often and she couldn’t be sure, but she felt watched. Maybe they could smell her demon blood. The miracle may have worked but it could have also been faulty, she couldn’t be sure.

A subtle tap came over her hand and she looked at George.

“Be confident. Act like you’re the one leading me.” She took a shaky breath. “You can do this.”

She nodded wordlessly and stuck out her nose, doing her best to imitate the uppity air that angels seemed to hold (going off Gabriel’s attitude and Aziraphale’s descriptions). It was a good thing that there weren’t too many angels nearby because even if they couldn’t smell her demon blood, they could likely sense her fear. She was trying her best to appear confident but she knew her fear was plainly in her eyes. She was almost grateful when they turned and walked into the prison wing. Almost. If anything, the fearseemed to increase. Tenfold. Heaven for the most part was empty, but the prison block was _empty_. Not a sound, not a soul, not a movement. There weren’t even any doors. It was just a long hallway. There weren’t any prisoners in sight but the feeling of anguish and loneliness permeated the air. And the feeling of being watched increased as well. In the rest of Heaven, while there was no guarantee that you were watched all the time, it was a guarantee that you could be watched at _any_ time and that was unnerving enough on its own. But in the prison block, that feeling was so much…more. More constant, more suffocating, more everything. And the gaze was stifling. It judged everything, saw everything you did, tore you down to the bare bones and searched inside the deepest crevices of your ind where not even you go and turned them inside out. Showed them to you and smeared them across your face. And it let you know everything that was wrong with you. What you could be. The potential you were wasting.

They were doing it to her. Judging. Meticulously excavating.

Eyes on her, always watching. Looking at what a disgusting waste she was. They could see past her lies.

No. No. No. No.

“Y’alright there, lass?” George asked.

“They’re watching.” She murmured. “They’re always watching. I…I can’t…”

“Hey, focus on me.” George took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “C’mon, take a breath. You’re no help to Aziraphale in this state.” Kaera obliged, looking into his kind brown eye and took a few breaths, grounding herself as best she could. “This place has that affect on people. You get used to it after a while.” Kaera took a few more breaths before looking around.

“Where’s Aziraphale? D’you know?”

“Sorry, I don’t.” George answered. “I’m just a soul. You’re going to need to find him. Think you can do that?” Kaera nodded, closing her eyes.

The second she closed her eyes and got a hold of her angelic sense, she was completely overwhelmed by the other presences nearby and the voices in her mind that she needed to let it go again. That one moment was almost as overwhelming as all her memories of Hell. There were so many broken and desperate pleas, fragments of thoughts and yawning voids of what used to be. It was horrifying! She looked around at the blank walls, knowing now that somewhere behind them were prisoners of Heaven. Whether they were captured demons, souls who had gotten too annoying or angels who’d stepped out of line was unknown, but they were still there.Waiting. Slowly slipping away. The white walls were almost an insult to the horrible secrets behind them.

“Everything alright?” George asked.

“Yeah.” Kaera breathed. “Yeah, just wasn’t expecting it.” She took another breath and closed her eyes once more. The flood of voices broke through her mind and it once again shook her to the absolute core of her being. Not because of the surprise, but because of the familiarity. The sounds and thoughts of those broken minds were eerily similar to what she would think and feel during that horrible first month when she was still recovering from Hell and the trauma that came with it.

An awful ache broke through her chest as she listened to the echoing thoughts and the ache worsened when she realized that she could do nothing to help them.

She pushed the ache down as she began to sift through the voices and auras and scents looking for the one she knew. In those early days of her learning to control her powers, she found herself needing to dig to find her angelic essence. Listening for Aziraphale felt similar, like she was searching for something just out of reach.

A quiet, nervous voice broke through the crowd and she focused in on it before it could fall through her fingers.

“Mercy. Please…so quiet…too quiet…please…Crowley…Kaera…please…”

She took a deep inhale through her nose and the scent of old books and earl grey tea stood out against the sharp, sterile clean smell of Heaven.

“That way.” She said, pointing to the furthest end of the hallway. The two broke into a run. As they reached the end of the hall, a stairwell opened up to the left, the connection leading her towards Aziraphale was beginning to strengthen, causing a tight, pulling sensation in her chest, which only grew tighter as she led George down the stairs. Some of the other voices slipped away from her mind but some of them remained and almost overpowered Aziraphale’s. The anxiety grew worse as well. Hardly anything had changed. This block looked identical to the one upstairs, but the atmosphere was even more suffocating. It took everything just to keep her focus on Aziraphale’s aura.

“Not in this block either.” She informed. “Come on.”

She and George ran down to the end of the hallway and down another staircase and then a third. With each hall, there were fewer and fewer voices until they got to the fifth floor down in the wing, where only one voice remained.

“Aziraphale.” Kaera breathed a sigh of relief as she let her disguise melt away.

There was still a problem. There were no doors. Just wall. She took another breath and held firm to the tether running from her mind and let it pull her without opening her eyes and kept her ears and mind tuned. Slowly, she began walking down the hallway, listening to the distressed voice and frantic breaths. As she listened, there seemed to be something else in the back of her mind, something that was very strong and it felt almost like a guide. No, not just a guide. Something…more…

She took a step and Aziraphale’s voice was as loud as it had been. She took another step and it became quiet again. She took a step back and opened her eyes, the white walls stretching on either side of her. It was a narrow hall and she could put either hand on them without having to stretch her arms. The wall under her left hand was lukewarm and it felt solid. There was no feeling or aura coming from it. Under the right hand, it was cold. Freezing even. And there was a horrid feeling of distress that consumed the entire right side of her body.

She shivered. “He’s in there.”

George stepped up beside her. “You sure?”

“Positive.” She looked back at her friend. “You think you can open the door?”

George rolled up his sleeves. “I can try.” He set his left hand in the middle of the wall, knitting his bushy brows together. As soon as his hand connected with the wall, a glow formed on the plaster. It began to snake out in all directions, shooting out like a star beam. The pathways began to branch out for about half a foot but then they stopped and turned back. George grunted, squeezing his good eye shut. The glow under his hand strengthened, shooting back out in all directions and branching again. They continued on outward before stopping abruptly and turning on a harsh angle. Slowly, the outline of a door formed. There was a click and the glowing lines disappeared, but the door stayed in place.

George lowered his hand and leaned against the wall, breathing heavily.

“Are you alright?” Kaera asked.

“Just fine. Gotta catch my breath is all.”

“I’ll go in and get Aziraphale. Keep watch for me?” She asked. George nodded and she opened the door.

If she thought the rest of Heaven was cold, then she didn’t even know how to describe the room she stepped into. It was as if warmth had never been invented, as if it had been outlawed. It was the kind of cold that seemed past your skin and got into your very being.

It was bright too. Even when she blinked, the brightness persisted. It was inescapable.

The room itself was small, but there was no indication that there were any walls and it seemed to go on forever. What was more, the sensation that she was being watched had disappeared, which was jarring after being almost suffocated by it. This was really a place where you were left alone with your own thoughts. But considering how thoughts themselves weren’t private in Heaven and were policed rigorously, that could be a very dangerous thing.

A brief glimpse of movement caught Kaera’s eye. Somebody was crouching against the wall with their hands pressed over their ears. Somebody with white hair and a cream colored coat.

“Aziraphale!” Kaera almost squealed with relief. Aziraphale cowered further, his blue eyes wide with terror and his hands pressed themselves harder against his ears. The relief in Kaera’s chest disappeared and was only left with a sickening worry.

“Aziraphale?” She said gently, kneeling down in front of him. He kept his eyes on her, deciphering her every move. She held out her hand and Aziraphale pushed himself away, moving his hands to cling to the sleeves of his jacket and further pressing his back into the wall.

“Aziraphale, it’s me.” Kaera said, making sure to keep her voice soft and free of the fear she was feeling. “Please, please you know me.” Aziraphale shivered. “Come on, you have to remember me. Here, give me your hands.”

The angel held his hands in front of himself, trembling horribly as if he were fearing what would happen if he disobeyed. Kaera took his hands in hers.

“They’re so cold.” She murmured, rubbing some warmth back into them. A puzzled look came over Aziraphale’s face as he took in the feel of her hands, confused. As if nobody had held his hand in his entire life. He looked back up at her face. There was still fear in her eyes but there was a very tiny glimmer of hope and realization. “Yes, that’s it. I’m here. I’m real.” Her voice was just a bit too eager and he trembled again.

Kaera took a breath, thinking about what might break through his walls. They didn’t have a lot of time, someone likely already knew they were there. In fact, she’d bet her last pence that they…wait. Pence. Tuppence!

She gave Aziraphale’s hand a soft squeeze and began to sing.

“ _Feed the birds, tuppence a bag._

_Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag._

_Feed the birds, that’s what she cries._

_While overhead, her birds fill the skies_.”

Aziraphale lifted a trembling hand.

“That’s it.” Kaera said, before continuing to sing.

“ _All around the cathedral, the saints and apostles_

_Look down as she sells her wares._

_Although you can’t see it, you know they are smiling._ ”

“ _Each t-time someone shows t-that he cares_.” Aziraphale finished, touching a cold hand to Kaera’s cheek. “It’s r-really you, my girl?” He asked, his voice timid and raspy.

“Yeah, that’s right. It’s me.”

The angel pulled her close into a trembling embrace, as if she’d been gone for a hundred years.

“I’m so sorry.” She murmured. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have dragged you and Crowley into this.”

Aziraphale didn’t say anything but gently ran a hand up and down her back, offering her the best reassurance he could that he wasn’t angry. He was still shaking and Kaera wondered if the hug had been too overwhelming. She wasn’t too well versed in methods of torture but it was likely that someone could easily be pushed over the edge into sensory overload after going a long time without any of their senses being used.

“We’re going to get you out of here.” She said softly, helping the angel to his feet and leading him over to the door.

“We?” Aziraphale asked. Kaera stepped out into the hallway but Aziraphale stopped, a light tug pulling at Kaera’s hand.

“It’s alright.” She said, nodding towards George, who stepped into the doorway. “This is George. He’s the one I told you about. The one who helped me escape from Hell.”

“And you were forgiven?” Aziraphale asked, glad to hear it, but also a little shocked.

George smiled. “Only because someone put in a good word for me.”

“Kaera, did-”

“We can talk about this later. We’ve got to get out of here before someone notices.”

“They may already have.” George said, nervously looking over his shoulder.

Kaera snapped her fingers, bringing back her disguise. “All the more reason to get out as quickly as possible.” She looked at Aziraphale. “Do you have enough strength to disguise yourself?”

“I don’t think so.”

Kaera thought for a moment before she snapped her fingers. A length of rope appeared in her hands. “Okay, we’ll just have to work with what we have.” A nervous look came over Aziraphale’s face. “I can think of something else it-“

“No. No it’s alright.” He held his hands out in front of him. “Just…just don’t tie it too tight, please.” Kaera nodded as she loosely tied the rope around his wrists and put on hand on her shoulder like she was arresting him.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello luvs! Sorry I wasn't able to upload a chapter last week, time rather got away from me and since I'm a creature of habit and routine, uploading twice in one week on a whim sometimes makes me anxious. But either way, it's here now. So Kaera found Aziraphale, but how will they get out?  
> I hope you enjoyed that chapter, thank you so much to [TakeItEezy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy) for being my wonderful beta and amazing best friend. If you all enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments are always appreciated and fuel my writing. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day.


	72. Return to the Snake Pit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: PTSD, derogatory language, swearing, and threats/references to violence

The trek back through Heaven was even more nerve wracking. The eyes on them seemed to only grow in intensity. There also felt like there was an underlying threat that although whatever it was watching them wasn’t doing anything, that could change at any moment.

Kaera couldn’t deny her anxiety or hide her trembling this time. If another angel saw them and wondered what she was doing with their prisoner, she’d have to give an explanation and she was a terrible liar.

Aziraphale let out a breath and whispered, “You’re doing just fine. We’re almost there.”

The three of them left the prison wing and made their way back to the main entrance. They were so close. Just down another hall and-

“You there. Hold it.”

Fuck.

Kaera turned and found a very grumpy looking angel staring at her

“What are you doing with the prisoner?”

Kaera gulped, telling herself not to panic as she reached for an excuse.

“Gabriel wanted to see him. He’s considering giving him a longer punishment, but wants to get some information out of him first.” George explained. For extra measure, Aziraphale kept his eyes trained on the ground and his arms trembled. She knew it was a farce but Kaera still wanted to comfort him and let him know that it’d be okay.

The other angel’s gaze moved from Aziraphale to George. “What are you doing with him?” He pointed at the gray-bearded man.

_Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic-_

“I’m interning for them.” George said.

“Interning?” The grumpy angel repeated.

“Yeah, the Almighty issued that I had to serve one of the lower ranking angels as a sort of penance.” George said.

“That’s right.” Kaera added, doing her best to sound sure and confident. She gave George a look. “And I thought I told you not to speak out of turn.”

“Apologies.” George said, looking at the ground.

The grumpy angel huffed. “Get where you need to go and be quick about it.” He said before continuing on his way.

The group breathed a collected sigh of relief as soon as he was out of sight. “That was too close.” George breathed.

“Quick thinking.” Kaera complimented. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

They continued down the hall, still on edge until they came to the grand set of double doors.

“You think you can go the rest of the way by yourselves? I’m not allowed to leave.” George explained.

“You’ve already done plenty to help us.” Kaera said as she slipped the rope off Aziraphale’s wrists. “Won’t you get in trouble though?”

“Perhaps.” George said with a shrug. “But I think the Almighty is sort of a fan of you and your family, lass.” Kaera tensed and looked at Aziraphale, not sure how he’d react to being referred to as her family, but he didn’t make any outward change. “So even if they get mad, I don’t think She will.”

Kaera warmly embraced her friend. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Don’t mention it lass.” George said back, giving her shoulder a squeeze.

Kaera stepped away and Aziraphale embraced George as well. “Take care of yourself.” He said.

“You too.”

Aziraphale let go of George and pulled open the door.

“Oh,” Kaera said, looking back at George, “Nathan says hello.” A look of surprise came over his face before it was replaced with a light, easy smile. “He also says you’re an asshole.” To her surprise, George laughed.

“Can’t say I don’t deserve that.” His smile was still easy, genuine. Kaera was glad to see him finally at peace. That was the last she saw before the door closed behind her.

The two quickly rushed down the escalator (Kaera’s ears popped on the way down) and they didn’t breathe another sigh of relief until they were back on the ground level.

“Okay, I can miracle you back to the cottage or I can call Nathan to give you a ride, preferably the latter because I want to preserve my miracles. Either way, don’t leave the house until I come back with Crowley.”

“No, I’m going with you.”

“Are you nuts?” Kaera shrieked. “You can’t walk into Hell! You’d be a sheep in a wolf den, they’d be on you in seconds!”

“And they wouldn’t for you?” Aziraphale retorted.

“Point taken, but you just spent who knows how long undergoing psychological torture, you can’t just throw yourself into another dangerous situation like that, your mind will snap!”

“I don’t care.” Aziraphale protested. “I love Crowley and I want to personally make sure he’s safe. You as well. I refuse to let you go down there alone again.” Kaera opened her mouth to protest but Aziraphale cut her off. “I saw what a toll it took on you and I refuse to let you go through that again.”

Kaera took a breath, frustrated and panicked, but also touched. He was willing to walk into Hell, the most dangerous place for an angel (the most dangerous place period) for Crowley…and for her. He didn’t want her to experience Hell by herself again. He wanted her to have support.

She looked back up at the angel, a stubborn look on his face. There was no changing his mind.

“Okay fine.” She huffed. “I don’t think you’re strong enough to disguise yourself and I’m beginning to run low on stamina. On top of that, I might need to disguise myself again. But I can mask your angelic essence to demons, and cloak you from their eyes. That would take less effort and keep you hidden.” The angel nodded as she held out her hand and taking his. The miracle seeped out of her, taking more than just a little extra effort, but it seemed to work. Aziraphale became almost a blur next to her. She could still see him, but only if she really focussed and strained her eyes. Perfect.

“Okay.” Kaera said, looking towards the other escalator. “Let’s go.”

The two took a few steps and a sinking feeling crept up Kaera’s body and it only grew the closer she got. It almost felt like her body was turning in on itself and hanging upside down. The feeling seeped away as she stepped onto the escalator, but when she looked up, she saw her reflection staring back at her.

Still holding each other’s hand, Kaera and Aziraphale rushed dow the escalator and then to an elevator door with a single button. Kaera’s hand shook as she pressed it and the two stepped inside. As the elevator descended, a sick feeling burst in her stomach. The sensation, even though the elevator was going at a relatively normal pace, reminded her of descending into Hell for the first time, when she’d been kidnapped. Her wrist ached at the thought of Beelzebub’s hand digging into her skin and her body burning as it fell. Her face was blank, stoic. On the inside, however, a burst of emotion that she hadn’t felt in a few months broke through her chest, along with a slew of memories that she’d worked so hard to push to the back of her mind. A warm hand set itself on her shoulder, causing her to relax, even if it was marginal.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened to the hall with the 13 elevators. Oddly enough, she felt slightly more comfortable stepping into Hell proper, just as long as she was off that stupid elevator.

Perhaps her distress was a bit more apparent than she’d hoped. As they stepped out, she let out a breath, shaky and unsure.

“Are you alright?” Aziraphale asked.

If things had been different, she would have said she was fine. But the adrenaline was running far too high for her to keep up any kind of facade. “No.” She said.

Aziraphale stepped a bit closer and pulled her into an embrace, sorrowful that she had to come back to the sight of some of her worst trauma but proud of her for finding the strength to go back and even prouder that she openly admitted to not being okay.

Kaera gave him a squeeze back. “Okay, I’ll try and find Crowley.” She closed her eyes and took a breath focussing her sight and senses on looking for the familiar aura. Instantly, she was hit in the face with intense feelings of hatred and fear. This time she was prepared and she began sifting through the pain and anger and bitterness, trying to find Crowley. Sarcastic, joking, protective, a little sensitive, anxious, loyal…there was nothing. Not a feeling, not a whiff of his aura. There was too much in the way. Even with Crowley’s distinct personality, he also felt immense amounts of fear and she could only suspect he was in a lot of pain. The rest of Hell would easily take all that pain and fear and drown everything else out. Maybe if her senses for warmth and positivity were a little stronger she’d be able to find him.

“I…I can’t sense him. I’m sorry.” She admitted, lowing her eyes.

“Don’t worry.” Aziraphale said. “Leave this to me.” He closed his eyes and took a breath. For a brief moment the air around him changed. It was pleasantly warm and peaceful. It only lasted until Aziraphale opened his eyes not even two seconds later but that loving warmth still comforted her. It remained, and it reminded her of the warmth from her pendant.

Out of habit, she reached for her neck once again. The emptiness returned when her fingers closed around nothing.

Aziraphale opened her eyes and looked back at her, a look of sadness and empathy on his face. She shook her head. Not now. This wasn’t important right now.

“Have you got his aura?” Kaera asked.

“Yes, it’s just down a few hallways to the right.”

Kaera took the lead, guiding Aziraphale through the maze of dead ends until they got to the main hallway. There were luckily plenty of little nooks and piles of junk or pipes or equipment to hide behind but the sudden bursts out into the open to suddenly being hidden again while hoping no one had seen them while hoping no one had seen them was so overwhelming that she thought her heart would stop. Aziraphale told her which direction to go and she would look out to see if anyone was watching before whispering to him to run. They passed through one hallway that seemed like a prison hallway. There were long, dirty chambers stuffed with prisoners. As soon as they saw Kaera, they began shouting all manner of horrible things.

“You! Traitor! Traitorous bitch!”

“Fuck you, Heaven whore!”

“Abomination! Freak of nature!”

Kaera scrunched her eyes, clenching her fists. Aziraphale’s hand settled on her shoulder. He said nothing but the comfort he offered was still appreciated.

Finally they reached the end of the hallway and found a locked door tucked away in a corner.

“He’s in here.” Aziraphale said.

“Are you sure?” Kaera asked.

“Positively. Agnes can sense love and the only love in this entire place is coming from behind this door.”

Kaera put her hand in the center of the dirty metal. Being a weak and terrified aura on the other side. He was definitely in there. Her eyes fell over a large keyhole. She tried to miracle it open, but something stopped her. Nothing she tried worked.

“I’m afraid we’ll need the key.” Aziraphale sighed.

Kaera wracked her brain trying to think of who would. What would Hell do once they got their hands on Crowley? They’d likely leave him under the watch of someone who absolutely despised him. They’d leave him with…

“Hastur.” Kaera mumbled and swore to herself.

“What?” Aziraphale looked shocked and extremely confused.

“Hastur must have the key. I know where his office is, but I’ll need to sneak in and get it.” She looked back at the angel. “Stay here, and for the love of G-“ She stopped herself before she could say something stupid. “Please stay quiet and stay out of sight.”

He pulled her into a quick hug. “Be careful, my girl.” He whispered.

“I will” She promised before she raced off down the hall.

Hell was just as cramped as it was the last time she’d been down there. The air was still heavy and thick with the smell of toxins. Kaera pressed herself against the wall as soon as she was out of sight of the other prisoners and snapped her fingers, performing a quick demonic act to change the color, length and texture of her hair, alter her eye color and clothing, and add a few freckles and scars to her face just in case she ran into someone who might recognize her. She took a breath and wove herself into the crowd. The halls were stuffed with souls and demons, packed shoulder to shoulder and Kaera would have felt claustrophobic if she hadn’t been hopped up on anxiety and adrenaline. She kept her head down, imitating the walk of a typical demon and hoping no one recognized her scent. If she was remembering correctly, Hastur’s office was just down one of the right branch hallways. She just needed-

“Oi, you.” An annoyed voice called. A firm hand grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back. Kaera looked behind her and her heart nearly stopped. Standing behind her, looking really pissed off, was Beelzebub.

 _Don’t panic_. She thought as the images of them dragging her down the hall, standing over her with a red hot poker, yelling at her while inflicting all kinds of illnesses emerged in her mind. _Don’t panic, don’t panic. Just be ready to run._

Beelzebub looked her up and down. Even though she was in Hell and far away from God as you could possible get, she silently prayed that they didn’t recognize her. They made a face. Kaera tensed.

“Who the fuck are you?” They asked.

Thank goodness. Kaera thought.

“My name is Nadia.” She said, making sure to disguise her voice as well, making it slightly deeper and speaking with an Irish accent, the only accent she could accurately pull off.

“You a demon or a soul?” They droned.

“I was a soul but I recently got promoted.”

They narrowed their eyes. “What’s your azzzzzzignment?”

Kaera began to panic. She hadn’t thought of anything to say if she got caught. The only thinking ahead she’d done came with the assumption that she made it to Hastur’s office…wait a second…of course!

“I’ve been told to report to Duke Hastur for my assignment.” She said flatly.

Beelzebub looked her over again and for a second Kaera thought her cover had been blown, but they merely gave her a shove and said, “Hurry up and get where you need to go. It’zzz rude to keep someone waiting.” There was something in their tone that Kaera didn’t like but she was too relieved to dwell on it for too long as she continued down the hall.

That was too close. Her heart was still pounding from the sheer terror of it all but it also told her something important. She might have been able to BS her way out of one encounter but if she was going to steal something from out under Hastur’s nose, she would need to be clever.

She took a right turn into the hallway, her mind starting to go a little fuzzy. She’d never used so many miracles in a single day before and she was starting to waver. That and the sting on her wrist from the sigil had started to get bad. It was keeping her grounded but it was also beginning to drive her nuts. But she was determined to get Crowley and Aziraphale home safely so nothing was going to stop her. A plan quickly began to form in her mind.

Hastur was sitting in his officer, sifting through paperwork when Kaera walked in.

“Who’re you?” Hastur croaked.

“Nadia. I’m new, was just promoted this morning.” She said glumly, deepening her voice again.

“What d’you want?” Hastur sneered.

“Don’t hafta bee so rude.” She quipped.

Hastur stood from his desk. “You’re awfully insolent for someone who was only recently promoted.” He said darkly.

Kaera shrugged, trying to look collected and hoping her baggy pants would hide the tremble in her knees.

“I thought you would like to be a little more polite to one of Lord Beelzebub’s messengers.” She said casually. Hastur went pale.

“Messenger? What’s the message?” He asked nervously.

“They just wanted me to find you and tell you that they were looking for you. They didn’t look too happy.” If it were possible, Hastur went even paler. “You might want to get going, you know they don’t like to be kept waiting.” Hastur nodded, trying to choke out a response before he scampered out the door.

Kaera sighed with relief and began looking through the mess on Hastur’s desk. He was even more disorganized than she thought. She scattered papers every which way and looked through every drawer but didn’t find the keys. Where in the world could he be keeping them? Her eyes widened and she groaned. Of course he would want to keep them with him, how could she be so stupid?

“You!” A gruff voice sounded behind her. She spun around and was faced with a very annoyed Hastur. “Beelzebub didn’t need to see me. They didn’t send any messages. What are you playing at here?”

Kaera smiled nervously. “No harm in a simple prank.” She squeaked. Hastur stomped over to her and grabbed a tuft of her shirt. A shot of fear burst through her as the hand gripped the fabric and she had to force back her reflexes to keep herself from punching him. Images of her clothes being torn from her skin flashed in her mind.

“You listen here, you little shit.” He growled. “That kind of rubbish doesn’t fly in Hell.”

Something jagged and made of metal pressed into her hip. She risked a glance down and saw a key ring in Hastur’s jacket pocket. Another plan formed in her mind, this one even stupider than before. In a blink, she’d raised her foot and kicked Hastur in the shin as hard as she could. Hastur cried out in pain and fell to the floor, clutching his leg.

“So terribly sorry.” She said sarcastically. “My reflexes took over, don’t like being grabbed. Here let me help you up.”

She took hold of Hastur’s arm and carefully slipped her other hand into his pocket. Her fingers closed around the metal ring.

“Get your hands off me, you stupid bitch!” Hastur bellowed, shoving her away. The keyring slipped out and she shoved them into her back pocket. “Get out of my sight. If I catch you n here again, I’ll have your skin flayed from your bones.” Kaera scrambled form the office as fast as she could, hoping he wouldn’t make good on that threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're almost all together again, but they're still gonna have to get out of Hell if they want to get home safely.   
> So the power went out around campus, which is why I'm posting this near midnight. Well that and the fact that I'm assistant stage manager for the play and didn't have too much time to type this up this evening. Anyway, how has life been going for you all?  
> Thank you so so much to href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy" rel="nofollow">TakeItEezy for all your help. I hope you all reading enjoyed this chapter. If you did, kudos and comments always make me so happy and fuel my writing. Thank you all so much for reading and have a lovely day.


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